2am and she calls me

My divorce was finalized on Sept 6th 2016. What a weird thing to say...

I took the news really well, I expected to feel something but I didn't... The papers however, I felt something when I held them the first time... They're so final... I remember holding my marriage certificate the first time and running my finger over the raised seal of the state of WA... Feelin hopeful and full of electric... I did the same thing with these papers but instead I felt failure and heartbreak...

My marriage ended... No matter how many times I say it or read it or type it or think it it never sounds right it never feels right...

I have a man who loves me in ways Josh never even got close to... In ways Josh COULDNT possible love me... And yet even as he lays asleep next to me, my back pressed tightly to his side, I feel lost... Sometimes at night while he's sleeping I grab onto him or lay my head on his chest just to hear his heart beat and feel him naturally wrap his arms around me... To ground me, to pull me back to earth...

I covered my "T" tattoo last week... It was both freeing and heartbreaking to see it go... I replaced it with a mermaid for my grandpa... It felt right... The idea came to me at the last second and I'm so glad it did!

I can hear Billy softly snoring next to me, it's soothing and the steadiness is slowly putting me to sleep... In 61 days this beautiful man will be my husband... I know it seems fast but I know it's right...

I've made this leap of faith before but this time it's different this time I have a partner not just a man who needs me...

I know the mistakes I made last time and how not to make them again...

I know what I want and who I want to be and how not to fall into Billy's shadow... How to keep myself while I slowly merge with him... How to stay 2 halves of a whole that overlap in all the right places ❤️

Reality

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was running away to marry the boy who's green eyes took my breath away... Who's smile stopped my heart... Who's presence calmed my soul...

8 years doesn't sound like that long but for me it's like an eternity... I don't even know that girl I was anymore... 21 year old me would never have believed me if I told her what her life would become...

I miss her she was young and hopeful... She was steady, she was sure... Now she's dead... The boy with the green eyes killed her... He took away her trusting nature, he took away her ability to blindly love... He shattered her soul... He broke her. He murdered her...

But now here I am on the other side... I'm wearing a diamond ring with 2 of the most beautiful blue sapphires I've ever seen on each side... A pure loving man gave me it... He picked me... with all my broken pieces, a woman who will always be just a little bit in love with a ghost with green eyes... This man, his amazing caring loving man, is slowly but surely bringing me back to life...

I'll never be who I was before the green eyed boy stole my soul but as I sit here I feel sure, more sure then I've been about anything in a long long time. The green eyed boy might have killed me but the blue eyed man is quickly breathing life back into me...

I said yes to the blue eyed man in May, its August now. Saying yes was the best word I ever said. He went out of his way to make the day I said yes perfect, everything I ever dreamed of and more... Down on 1 knee at Disney World. He took me to my happy place to make me happier then I've ever been... He took me to my happy place, the only place that was never touched by Josh's injuries and illness to bring me back to life.

A letter to my ex-husband's new girlfriend

To the new woman in his life...

I hated you at first. I hated you before I ever met you. I judged you by your hair and the fact that you were okay with dating a man who was still married. I hated that you were on coming into my home while I still lived there. I hated that you didn't have the balls to meet me. I found you to be class-less. I thought you were only with him for money and sex. I judged you and I complained about you and I hated you. I hated how he respected you in ways he never respected me, how he was protective of you like you were somehow worth more then I was. I hated how he treated you the way I always wished he would treat me. How he would talk about you the way I used to pray he'd talk about me.

I was wrong.

I finally met you the other day, after a year of Josh and I being separated and almost a year of you being together. I expected the worst. I expected you to be horrible. I told my fiance this was going to be awful. That you were a sex crazed money hungry bitch.

I was wrong. There I said it again, I. Was. Wrong.

You were kind. You were interested in his care, you were concerned with his well being. You listened to the nurse as she spoke about his needs and you asked questions. You had a plan in place for his care. He was thriving. The house was clean, he was bathed and properly clothed.

Then I saw you look at him and my fears all vanished.

You really love him. You aren't money hungry or a whore. You love him... and from the way you look at him you love him as much as I do. As much as I always will because we didn't divorce in bad blood, we didn't divorce due to lack of love we divorced because we grew apart... I still want the best for him and I can truly say you are what is best for him.

So thank you for loving him... thank you for letting me know I can fully walk away and know he'll be loved and cared for.

Thank you for being the person I prayed for for him. Thank you for giving me peace.

~His ex-wife

Different Life

So I got bored the other day at work and read this whole blog start to finish and from where I stand today it's like reading about someone else's life... It's like a bad dream... I can't figure out how I lived like that all these years... I can't figure out how I survived all that... 

I never want to go back to feeling like that.

I can't lie I miss Josh... But not the Josh I talk about in this blog, the Josh I married... I miss the way his eyes would light up when he laughed, I miss his jokes, I miss his smile, I miss the smell of his skin, I miss the way he'd sip juice boxes and the way he'd make me laugh til I peed myself... I miss the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with...

I love my fiancé and I truly am happy with him but that doesn't stop the hurt I feel...

Airborne Love Notes

It feels so good to be honest here... To be able to write again, to not be living in the shadows.

For so long I lived hidden. I hid his injuries, I hid his diagnosis, I his his infidelity, I hid our problems. I don't want to hide anymore.

I turned 28 this past week... So strange to think this time 7 years ago I was 21... I was young and full of life, planning my life with a man who I believed was my forever... And now here I am again in the same situation.

I can't promise that the boy is my forever, I'm older now, wiser... I know what I want and I'm not willing to settle but I know I'm happy.

While we are so similar in so many ways were also very different and only time will tell if those differences are too great... I won't over look those things again like I did will Josh...

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him... I do, every day... But I don't miss the man he is, I miss the man he was... The man only I'm mourning... It's an odd feeling to mourn someone who's standing in front of you... 

180

I haven't written much over the last year... Basically because I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth...

My marriage isn't perfect, my life isn't perfect... It's not even storm clouds it's a class 5 hurricane... A perfect storm. 

Josh and I are separated and while that hurts in ways I can never fully express to anyone it's like I can finally breathe.

I've been seeing someone for a bit and I see now what a real relationship is. It's love, partnership, friendship... It's normal...

He kisses away my fears, holds me close and makes me feel safe... I can sleep in his arms and relax fully against his chest without fear of an outburst...

He makes me laugh and smile and I feel alive with him.

He's not Josh and I don't expect him to be but he's everything I never knew I wanted... It's like a breath of fresh air... Like I've been under water and he's my first breath of oxygen... 

I never imagined my marriage would truly end but as I lay in bed next to this amazing loving caring supportive man I realize the end is only the beginning...

In the coming months my life will change again. The boy and I will be moving to California. I know it's the right move and I don't feel afraid like I expected to.

I feel excitement. It's like there's electric all around me and everything I touch shocks me. I'm shocked every time he touches me. I'm shocked by how gentle he is, how genuine, I'm shocked by his love and compassion... I'm shocked by the amount of support he gives me... How he can quiet all my fears with 1 kiss and how he can take away all my stress by pulling me in close.

I believe this is the start to my happily ever after. 

Leaving.

I wrote this months ago and never posted it...

In the last post I lied... I lied because it's what I wanted to believe, it's what I wished to be true... But in reality things are worse then ever...

He's uncontrollable... Violent, hateful, angry, nasty... A monster... 

I can't do this anymore... I can't live like this anymore and it would be wrong of anyone be it a doctor, a family member or a friend to expect me to! 

I shouldn't be truly fearful for my safety in my own home anytime he gets a little pissed... 

It's been SEVEN years since the original injury... SEVEN!!!! You'd think at some point in those 7 years some friggin dr would have found SOMETHING that works to control this monster!

I don't want this for me or the dogs or cat anymore... We all deserve better... We all deserve to feel safe and loved.

I did all I can for him, this is the end of the line.