Hello Seattle <3

I'm so happy here.

As soon as I landed it all came back to me and I remembered why I love it here...

I rented a car and drove down I5 and it was like I never left everything was how I remembered it and I didn't even need the GPS hehe

I stopped to pick up dinner at the Tacoma mall before heading to Roxie's house on post...

I feel like Josh is deployed again its weird to be here without him but that feeling reminds me of how strong I was, how I lived without him for 15 months twice so there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to enjoy this week

Today Josh was in a meeting a work for almost the whole day and didn't answer his phone Til about 5:30 his time and I didn't stress at all it was really like I was back in deployment mode like I knew he was fine and he would call when he could I like feeling like this I like being carefree and just spending time with the ladies I love most

My friends make me stronger, this base makes me stronger, this city makes me stronger

I don't feel the overwhelming panic here that I feel in VA... I told Josh and he jokingly got pissed and was all "fuck you I'm gonna give you shit for the rest of your life about us moving"

He has a point... It was my choice...

I didn't just ask to move, I demanded it.

I chose to move, I chose the easy coast, I chose VA, I chose Ft Myer and I think that's one thing I am thankful for I can't blame anyone else for this but myself... I did it all thinking it was in our best interest but I was so wrong...

I missed my family, I missed being with Josh, I missed the sun and I let those emotions cloud how much I loved it here how much I loved the people here... They became my family... They will always be my family

I love the friendships I have here the kind where you can go years without seeing someone and its like no time has passed at all... When I got to Roxie's last night I walked in and jumped in her bed to watch TV just like I used to like it was any other day... I don't feel like a guest here I feel like I belong and it's a great feeling.

I remember when I first landed in WA back in 2008 I had never been here before but as soon as my feet touched the ground I knew I belonged here I knew this was meant to be my home...

Josh was saying if I really miss it that much he can look into schools here, we can sell our house with the money from the lawsuit and buy something out here (maybe in DuPont or Graham) I'm not sure if I wanna go that far yet... Because sooner or later Roxie and Susan are going to move (both their husbands are getting out this year and neither plan to stay in the area)

It's something to think about ya know? It's an option where I didn't think we had any before

My head feels clearer then it has it a long time and the longer I'm here the more I'm feeling like my old self

I'm so glad Josh pushed me to do this, pushed me to step outside my comfort zone and take this trip... He seriously may have saved my sanity...

It's sooooo good to be home

Frozen toes

So I'm on the second flight about a hour from Seattle... Out the window is pitch blackness and its really cold in here

Thank God I listened to Josh and wore shoes instead of flip flops my feet are freezing

So I watched Greys and this new show called 1600 Penn (it sucked don't waste your time haah) a show from the 90s called Salute Your Shorts and then put on American Horror Story: Asylum

I used to love shows and movies about psych wards... Crazy people fascinate me... I like to hear their stories, hear what they believe how they justify their actions... The ways the human mind can go wrong used to intrigue me but not anymore it bothered me deeply it's not enjoyable anymore

I look at these people and see myself and Josh I see our story I see how badly life can get out of control it's scary... I see how someone from the outside can pass a judgement and then suddenly that becomes the truth because they said so

They judge and pass judgements about a 3 hour movie after seeing 5 minutes of it they have no idea of the back story of what brought the story to the present of what happened to cause such effects

All the people at Belvoir saw was me trying to protect Josh they didn't see the years of pain they didn't see the lies or the hiding they didn't see the fear they had no idea what he had done to bring us to the point we were at

I used to love crazy people... Not anymore... Not since I became one of them...

In air

So I'm sitting on the first plane, about an hour from St Louis where I have a 3 hour layover (ummm fuck!!) this flight went pretty quick I took sleep meds and motion sickness meds as soon as I got on and just woke up

I stayed up really late the last few nights to try and get myself onto WA time so I am not as jetlagged when I get there so I was pretty tired and ready for a nap when I got to the airport

Josh had told me to take the sleep meds when I got on the 2nd flight (the one into SeaTac) but I decided against it because I'm renting a car when I get there and I don't wanna risk being tired

I'm really excited about the next few days with my friends I miss them so much but I keep reminding myself it's not going to be what I remember people change, bases change, and most of all people pcs

In my memory all the people I love are still there but in reality they're not...

I have made Fort Lewis into this almost fantasy place in my head where my heart lives where everyone I love is where I learned about who I am, found love and true friendships I've built it up so much in my head since we moved that I'm almost scared that going back is going to ruin my memories

I will always love that little house in Evergreen that I had, 2 blocks from Roxie, about a mile from Lori, at the bottom of the hill from Alicia...

But they're not there anymore and neither am I... New families have moved into those homes and I hope they love them as much as I did...

I remember Josh waking me up early in the morning with a call from Afghanistan and I would be too happy to fall back to sleep so I would go to the Donut shop on Bridgeport Ave and get breakfast for Alicia and I then go eat with her... Sitting at her breakfast bar while she baked... Laughing and sharing our joy and our fears...

I remember Josh being on Mids or CQ or in the early days of the deployment or hell any random Tues! Lori would call and say she's picking me up an We'd go to EQ in Tacoma... Lori is my best friend the closest thing to a sister I could ever ask for she is my true other half and an amazing woman... When Josh left for K9 school, leaving me alone in WA for the first time I called Lori and asked her if she wanted to do something... She said no she was busy and hung up quickly the next thing I knew there was a knock at the door she was already there with wine and Ben and Jerry's... That was the night she became my best friend... We had a sleep over at her house that night drinking wine Til we passed out laughing Til the sun came up

I remember having an awful day everything going wrong and knowing I could run to Roxie... Her back door was always open and her freezer was always stocked with tequila... I spent many days and nights with her drinking margaritas and laughing she was my friend true friend I've known her longer then I've known Josh the fact that I happened to marry a soldier who was stationed at Ft Lewis was fate saying she was meant to be in my life :)

But now Alicia is in OR and Lori is in WI... I'm staying with Roxie when I get to WA but she's no longer in the big house in Discovery Village...

Plane is landing, time to turn off the phone hehe :)

Kick in the teeth

So I was watching this special on Netflix and found out that there are over 7,000 active duty service members who are HIV positive ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

After watching this I started goggling and found that its true! If a soldier (or whatever branch) tests positive, they are not kicked out just moved to a non-deployable job/duty station and noone is allowed to know except the persons dr and CO because it falls under the ADA...

My question is: why the FUCK would they be willing to do this for someone with an illness that they CAUSES THEMSELVES but won't do this for my husband who is a combat wounded soldier?! Why can they just be put as non deployable but Josh can't? Josh isn't a serious health risk to everyone around him he is a decorated combat vet but is treated like shit

Why is that under ADA but PTSD isn't?! Why is it ok for everyone to know about Josh? For NCOs to go around talking about his health issues and treatment options? Why the fuck should someone with HIV have privacy but Josh shouldn't?

I'm really sick of the fucking bullshit the military pulls and this is like the last straw for me... By allowing these fucks to stay active duty they are putting so many people at risk everyday!

I'm like REALLY pissed about this! But on the bright side, I'm not freakin out about the flight anymore HAHAHAHA

Fear of Flying

So it's 10:08pm on Sunday night and I'm freaking out.

I'm trying to keep my breathing level, trying to stay calm so as to not let Josh know how I'm ready to explode on the inside...

Were laying in bed watching Homeland (it's my new guilty pleasure I can't get enough of it!!)

But yeah I'm freaking out about going to WA...

I have no idea why I'm freaking out it makes ZERO sense at all! I've been waiting for this for months counting down the days Til I can see my friends again Til I can be back in the place that I feel safe the city I Love

But here I lay anyway inches from a panic attack because I'm scared of leaving Guinness home lol

I told Josh a few hours ago how I feel and he told me to take some deep breathes that everything is gonna be ok and I want to believe him

I know I'm doing the right thing by going I need to be with my real friends for a few days I need to be away front this place to clear my head

I wonder sometimes if Josh and I should take the settlement from the car accident law suit, fix up the house and sell the fucker... Sell it and just move somewhere totally new where all the memories of what has happened are gone...

If things go really well in WA I think that's what we may do...

The hotel

It's like a space ship! Pictures don't do it justice!!!

Hotel Yotel in NYC this is where I spent my writing retreat with Wounded Warrior Project and where ill be going back to in April :)

100!

So I made it! 100 posts since I started this blog!

It's amazing how far I've come since I started this... When I started I was so angry I could barely think straight... I was stressed, scared, heartbroken...

I could barely say what happened to me out loud let alone handle sitting and writing it down... I couldn't even stomach to look at his psych records...

Just seeing the green folder that houses them would send me into orbit...

But in the past few days I've been able to tell so much more, I can say it out loud now without panic, and tomorrow my goal is to sit down and read Te Belvoir Records without having a panic attack.

I need to do it I have to get past it and the only way to do that is to read it and write it and say it until it doesn't hurt anymore Til I don't want to scream and cry anymore

I know what's in those records is untrue I know his dr lied... It's been a year if Josh was making that up he would have told me by now he wouldn't let me stress like this for no reason

Tomorrow I'm gonna take one final look back and then that's it the past will be just that the past and we will only look forward to our new lives without the army