Airborne Love Notes

It feels so good to be honest here... To be able to write again, to not be living in the shadows.

For so long I lived hidden. I hid his injuries, I hid his diagnosis, I his his infidelity, I hid our problems. I don't want to hide anymore.

I turned 28 this past week... So strange to think this time 7 years ago I was 21... I was young and full of life, planning my life with a man who I believed was my forever... And now here I am again in the same situation.

I can't promise that the boy is my forever, I'm older now, wiser... I know what I want and I'm not willing to settle but I know I'm happy.

While we are so similar in so many ways were also very different and only time will tell if those differences are too great... I won't over look those things again like I did will Josh...

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him... I do, every day... But I don't miss the man he is, I miss the man he was... The man only I'm mourning... It's an odd feeling to mourn someone who's standing in front of you... 

180

I haven't written much over the last year... Basically because I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth...

My marriage isn't perfect, my life isn't perfect... It's not even storm clouds it's a class 5 hurricane... A perfect storm. 

Josh and I are separated and while that hurts in ways I can never fully express to anyone it's like I can finally breathe.

I've been seeing someone for a bit and I see now what a real relationship is. It's love, partnership, friendship... It's normal...

He kisses away my fears, holds me close and makes me feel safe... I can sleep in his arms and relax fully against his chest without fear of an outburst...

He makes me laugh and smile and I feel alive with him.

He's not Josh and I don't expect him to be but he's everything I never knew I wanted... It's like a breath of fresh air... Like I've been under water and he's my first breath of oxygen... 

I never imagined my marriage would truly end but as I lay in bed next to this amazing loving caring supportive man I realize the end is only the beginning...

In the coming months my life will change again. The boy and I will be moving to California. I know it's the right move and I don't feel afraid like I expected to.

I feel excitement. It's like there's electric all around me and everything I touch shocks me. I'm shocked every time he touches me. I'm shocked by how gentle he is, how genuine, I'm shocked by his love and compassion... I'm shocked by the amount of support he gives me... How he can quiet all my fears with 1 kiss and how he can take away all my stress by pulling me in close.

I believe this is the start to my happily ever after. 

Leaving.

I wrote this months ago and never posted it...

In the last post I lied... I lied because it's what I wanted to believe, it's what I wished to be true... But in reality things are worse then ever...

He's uncontrollable... Violent, hateful, angry, nasty... A monster... 

I can't do this anymore... I can't live like this anymore and it would be wrong of anyone be it a doctor, a family member or a friend to expect me to! 

I shouldn't be truly fearful for my safety in my own home anytime he gets a little pissed... 

It's been SEVEN years since the original injury... SEVEN!!!! You'd think at some point in those 7 years some friggin dr would have found SOMETHING that works to control this monster!

I don't want this for me or the dogs or cat anymore... We all deserve better... We all deserve to feel safe and loved.

I did all I can for him, this is the end of the line.

The Sun is out again

2015. It's only April but already it's been the most life changing year of my life.

Josh has been retired a year, Ellen has been home for a year... My life is stable, my marriage solid, my family whole.

I'm finally coming into my own.. Granted about 7 years later then it should have happens but regardless Im happy. Im finally making up for lost time, finally doing the things I wanted and experiencing the world in the ways I should have in my early 20s.

Josh knows I gave up everything when he was injured and it means the world to me that he fully supports me taking it all back.

I'm back in school, traveling again, have a job I adore... Everything I had when we got married, everything I had at 21 that I thought I had lost forever is back only this time we're not poor college students were adults able to do adult things, afford adult things.

The future is finally bright again... We finally have a future again not just a dark clouded life... I can finally see the sun again. 

Nearly a year

So it's been almost a year since Josh retired... Crazy to think so much has changed... Our marriage is more stable then it's been in years... He's by no means healthy or cured but we've come to accept the "new normal" and the daily stress that comes with it... 

Ellen coming home changed our lives in ways I never thought possible... Her love, her support, her just being here.. It's brought back parts of Josh I never once thought Id see again <3

I promise to start writing more again... Honestly, I stop writing when things aren't horrible because I'm fearful I'll jinx myself...

It's been a while

It's been months since I written and so much has happened and changed... Josh retired, began new treatment at the VA, oh ELLEN CAME HOME, ya know nothing big I just fought SecArmy with the help of Congress and won :)

We went to KY for random 2014 in Feb while we waited for Ellen to come home... And in Oct were going to Disneyfor a week with Joshs mom and my grandma (can't wait!)

But the big shocker in the past few days is Josh booked a surprise weekend trip in Jan for us... 2 nights at Animal Kingdom Lodge with a Arusha view room for our Anni! Even got us a dining plan! I have no idea how were ever gonna eat that much food haha he got us the deluxe dining plan... For each meal we EACH get an appi, entree and dessert! That's a ton of food hahaaha but more on our Anni adventure later!

But things have been far from magical :/ we've had some serious issues in our marriage, issues that I'm not sure we can get past but I really am not ready to talk about them publicly... Esp since I know my blog is followed by news companies who followed Ellen's homecoming...

 

Josh had a seizure on June 28th... It was the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life... He has no memory of it but I sure do... I didn't sleep for weeks after it happened and I still have a hard time...

We have however started sleeping in seperate rooms... Not for bad reasons but because Ellen sleeps with him now LOL she's cuddled with him right now...

I'm gonna start writing more... I have a few topics already in mind... Lately the only thing I can think about is what would have happened had we never left Ft Lewis... What would our lives be like now?? I'm also going to make a post about Ellen's homecoming and his current treatments :)

Retired!!

I can't really write much right now I'm having a super bad ankle day so I took so pain meds and now I'm all lalalalal hahha but as of 5pm today Josh is officially medically retired and I couldn't be prouder of him <3

Oh also our kitchen exploded lmao the Plummer was here and while he was here  the pipes burst and the garbage disposal fell off and the dish washer took a shit so we bought a new Dish washer (so pretty!!! Praying it fits in the "hole") and the home Warranty are replacing the garbage disposal and fixing everything else (yay for the HW! This would been over $1300 and I paid $600 for a year of this coverage!!!!!)

Alrighty I'm going to bed I'll write more this week... So weird to think I'm aretired veterans wife and Josh is a vet not a soldier anymore :)