The dark

Lately it seems the dark is a huge topic for me... I wish I could enjoy it again... I wish I wasn't so scared of it :/ I used to love it and now sitting here surrounded by it is enough to make me crazy... My mind wonders and I don't like where it goes... I wanna think about how in 3 days well be on a plane to Disney but instead it goes to dark places... To last year...

When we get to Disney I set it up that well have almost a full day in FL before we have to do anything so I am packing Josh's ps3 and the laptop so he can play and I can write in the hotel

I'm excited about the hotel were staying at... I've stayed there many times before and the beds are like dreams... I love the way it's like sleeping on a cloud and the blankets are so soft and warm its like being wrapped in one hehe

We're only gonna be there for 4 nights but we have a lot planned for those nights!

Thursday we're traveling and then relaxing, Friday at 7pm is the concert (Rise Against... Josh is so excited!!), Sat at 9am we are meeting my cousin at Epcot for a full day of Disney fun,, Sunday we are going golfing in the morning and then at 7pm we have Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party! And then Monday we head back home ;(

It'll be a fun filled jam packed weekend but I'm excited we really need to get away and as crazy as this sounds I sleep better at hotels there aren't any memories there which makes things a lot easier for me... I don't feel like the past is watching me...

Honestly if we didn't own this house I'd have already asked Josh if we could move... I really thought about selling our nearly brand new living room set because I think of the bad night every time I look at it but that's retarded I can't go getting rid of our $2000 living room set... We got it the day everything hit the fans...

Last night I had the oddest dream and I wish I could explain it in a way that would make any sense to anyone who's reading this but I can't :/ the basics of it was that I joined the Red Cross and was sent to Iraq on a relief mission and saw all the things Josh always talks about but it makes no sense because Josh has never been to Iraq he went to Afghanistan on both deployments?? I dunno... Ill have to google it all tomorrow and see if it means something :/

Well ok Josh is sleeping now so I'm gonna turn How I met your Mother back on so I can sleep too... Night all!!

All holidays

Today is an important day for us... For the first time in our marriage we have officially spent every holiday for a full year together... It feels weird :/ I wonder how long it's going to take for the concept of seeing him every day and sleeping with him every night will seem normal...

I mean it still blows my mind that he's never deploying again... It's very freeing to me I don't feel like I have to spend every day with him, I feel freer to travel and visit friends and spend time apart because I know he's not going anywhere its a good feeling :)

Night

I hate night... I used to love it I used to love the dark I used to love the quiet but now it's my enemy... As I lay here, sleep meds in I wanna just go to sleep but I can't I have to turn on the TV low... Just loud enough that I can hear it... Just loud enough that it blocks it my thoughts...

I used to love nighttime and I hope sometime soon I will again...

This time last year...

One year ago today I was sitting in a hotel in Petersburg VA... They only had the king suite left so there my ass was sitting in this huge room which had to have been bigger then our first apartment all alone eating a salad at the desk with the TV on because the silence was enough to make me want to vomit (I guess that's when my whole sleeping with the TV on thing started...)

I had just visited my husband in the psych ward of all places and while I was so glad I got to see him and he was ok and our marriage was totally fine and everything I had been told was a lie I was so emotionally drained and all I could think about was how tired I was, how lonely I was and how I could wait for the night to end so I could be with him again...

Poplar Springs was so good to both of us... When I finally made it there it was well past visiting hours and they still let me in and had dinner waiting for me it was so kind of them and I instantly felt like I could trust them and knew Josh was being taken care of.

I'm just so glad this day is over and as much as I love my birthday I really think its always going to be scarred by the memories of what happened last year... Sad but true...