Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Dear *AWDIWH* fans

Hi ladies and thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read this...

I know how scary the situation some of you are in is, I don't say this as someone who read a book or a dr or someone who is just trying to make you feel better I say this as someone who sat where you're sitting as someone who not all that long ago was doing just what your doing...

My husband deployed twice to Afghanistan in support of OEF. Both times a MP, once a regular MP and once a K9 MP. Neither time was he on a FOB.

I don't like to go into Joshs story on here because it isn't my story to tell. Also, there are parts of it due to OPSEC and respect for the wives of those who were KIA on the deployments that just doesn't need to be made public at all.

The first deployment was from Jan 07-April 08 That one was bad... But the second, April 10-May 11 was horrific. Things were on edge before he left the second time and the second deployment just sealed our fate.

Cliffnotes: Shit hit the fans in Oct of 2011, he was hospitalized on a 51/50 after I called 911, he ended up staying in patient for 3 full months. He now is in therapy 3 times a week, on a whole list of meds and still isn't the man I married, still isn't the man I kissed goodbye at the airport... When we fight and I bring that up he reminds me that man is dead now... It feels like a knife going straight through my heart...

Josh is being medically retired, we were given his ratings a few weeks ago and this week are expecting his orders to clear and begin terminal leave.

I want each and every one of you to know I am here for you!!! I am currently working to make Life After Homecoming a charity... I want to have a 24 hour hotline not for the soldiers and not ran by the military... A hotline that a wife can call at 3am when her husband just had a flash back and she knows she can't tell her friends (or atleast I know I felt I couldn't) and wants to talk to someone who understand but what's to be sure it won't end up in their records or in the hands on the chain of command.

Message me day or night, If you need to talk I am available here or I will gladly give you my number to call or text... 

I write this to release what I've been holding inside for many years. I am VERY aware the grammar and punctuation is awful, many times when I write we've had an exceptionally bad day and I'm writing this from the blogger app on my iPhone in bed crying so I'm very sorry for that... I thought about going back and editing it but I don't want to take away from the true emotion.

Thank you for reading and I hope to talk soon

-Sher



Thursday, November 14, 2013

The real me


Thank you to a random Facebook game. Thank you for forcing me to remember things about myself I had forgotten 

1. 13 is my favorite number and I think it's lucky

2. Moving to WA was the scariest thing I've ever done and without question the best I have never once doubted what I did 

3. While Ill always be a Jersey Girl when I talk about "home" I'm talking about WA 

4. I can't sleep without "How I met your mother" on... It drives Josh insane 

5. The first time I ever stayed in a hotel by myself was after Josh was injured 

6. I never drank til I turned 21

7. I have ever card I've ever been given 

8. Seeing or hearing someone chew on an ice pop makes me want to scream I'm getting goosebumps thinking about it

9. Peter Pan is without question my fave Disney movie... and even after all the times I've been to Disney World I still get excited EVERYTIME I see the sign... I love it not for what it is but for what it brings out in me when I'm there it brings me back to a simpler time 

10. I HATE vomit! My own, other peoples, the dogs, hearing it, smelling it, seeing it, knowing it was done GAH yuck

11. I like my dogs and cat more then anyone 

12. I've broken my right foot 8 times and had 2 major surgeries to fix it

13. No matter where I live I've never gone a summer without going to Wildwood NJ

14. I hated Ellen when I first met her, referred to her as "the homewrecker" for the first year Josh had her then she saved his life the first time and I've loved her ever since so much so that I'm fighting the Army to adopt her

15. I believe in ghosts 110% and I'm sure I've seen them before
16. For my 16th birthday my then boyfriend paid to have an Oompa Loompa deliver me candy to my front door because I always joked that I wanted one because who doesn't want a chocolate making slave?!?

17. I'm kinda sorta obsessed with Kate Middleton and all the royals really

18. When we booked our Jamaica vacation post deployment we were there in under 24 hours on booking it

19. I watch Grey's Anatomy because it reminds me of home

20. One of the most awe-inspiring moments of my life was the first time I saw Mt Rainer on a clear day... I have yet to see anything as naturally beautiful

21. I went to church (roman catholic) every Sunday til I was 21 and wanted to marry Josh. The church refused to marry us so I left the church and found one that accepted our lifestyle (military) to marry us 

22. Since being married Josh and I have been to 27 states and 1 country together by the end of 2014 our goal is to add 3 more countries and at least 5 states!

23. My childhood dog, Ranger, will always have a huge piece of my heart and I believe he will greet me in heaven when I die

24. I spent my whole life wanting true friends and the army has blessed me with the best a girl could ever ask for  the issues is I still don't have friends I now have family all over the world

25. I'm am frequently stressed out about things I did or said that I feel guilty for from years ago

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

2 long years now...

There's this Dixie Chicks song it's called Taking the Long Way... It fits how I feel right now... "It's been 2 long years now since the top of the world came crashing down but I'm getting it back on the road now I'm takin the Long way"

That's how I feel... In a week and a half it will be 2 long painful years since our lives were shattered... 

But for the first time in 2 years I think I'm ok... I believe I'm ok... I know I'm ok. 

Josh is doing as well as could be expected... He finally got his ratings... 70% DOD, 80% VA... Which are good... They're medically retirement... BUT once his Sleep Apnia and TBI are added we will more then likely get 90% if not 100%...

We have about a week and a half to 2 weeks til his orders for Medical Retirement will be cut and delivered then from that point 90 days and he's a civilian. We still have 60 days of Terminal leave... I'm really looking forward to those 60 days... 2 months for us to find our new normal... Were gonna travel, relax, party and most importantly were gonna beregistering for college again... I'm so excited to go back to college and I'm so excited for Josh to go for the first fondant finally experience all he missed out on whole serving over seas...


I'm not even going to comment on the shutdown in this post it doesn't matter til tomorrow and I need to learn to deal with stuff tomorrow not at 2:45am ;)

So I'm gonna go watch Homeland and then ill update more tomorrow night all!!    

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The "before" time

Can I even remember my life "before"?

I was 19 when Josh was injured... When we got married at 21 shit hadn't hit the fans yet but it was most def brewing... I saw parts of it... I saw it starting... But I'd lie to myself... But that's not what this is about... This is about before...

Before Homecoming, Before the attack, before Sgt Harris was killed, before Josh deployed...

What was I like back then? Who was I? I don't remember who I was before our lives collapsed...  I'm sitting here really thinking hard and I'm drawing a blank... Wow this is scary...

I was in college full time and working two jobs while Josh was deployed the first time... Almost never home, almost never asleep... I would sleep on the floor next to the computer with the cell phone and speakers next to my head so if he called or logged on I'd wake up... We used to joke that my "tent" was nicer then his (I put a sleeping bag on the floor lol

I was in college for psychology... Pretty ironic eh? I was taking sociology, history of the middle easy, ceramics, and forensic science in the semester I was in when he came home from the first deployment...

I was working as a lifeguard at the YMCA and teaching swim lessons at a private club called "American Woman" 

I miss that version of myself... I miss being busy all the time, not having the time to sit down or to eat a gallon of ice cream and if I happened to find the time Id work it off in an hour the next day...

I feel like I was well on my way to being someone and then he got hurt and both of our lives changed forever...

I switched to online classes, I quit my jobs and moved to WA and took on my life full time as his care giver...

I wanna go back to real school... I miss being in a class room and interacting with "normal" people my own age...

I just recently signed up for college again ;) I need to go sign up for the classes :)

I used to like sneaking out of college class, driving my car to the shore with the windows down and the music turned up... Sun glasses on <3 

I used to love shopping alone to get surprise gifts for my family and being so proud I had worked and was able to buy these gifts on my own...

I used to love to swim... I'd have a bad day and after work dive in and do a 500 and it would totally clear my head... I can feel the water moving over my face right now just thinking about it...

I miss that version of myself...

Sometimes I wonder who Id be or what Id be like right now if Josh hadn't gotten hurt and on really bad days I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't married Josh at all...

I know I need to regain parts of who I was... I've lost every part of it all I am is a paranoid freak who baby sits her over grown man child of a husband :/ 

My goals are to go apply for at least 1 class, go over to the Y and sign up to use their pool again, and start reading again!

I wanna get that done before the end of the week!

Monday, June 17, 2013

Pink fuzzy pillows

So it's 12:30am... I'm laying on my wonderful new pillow :) it's pink and fuzzy and everything I love haha Josh surprised me with it the other day for while I'm recovering from surgery... One of the big issues I had after the last surgery was finding enough pillows around the house to keep my ankle elevated above my heart to keep the swelling down AND keep my head and neck positioned in a way that wasn't horridly uncomfortable so he got me this pillow! It's one of those ones you can lean up against and it helps you sit up :) very happy with it!!
 
So here I sit with my fuzzy pink pillow and  I'm again reminded that Josh isn't healthy... He's not cured... He'll never be cured... The symptoms may lesson and the mood swings may slow but he will never be the man he was before deployment...

He missed his meds this weekend and it was a sad reminder that I wasn't crazy... He was like a ticking time bomb all weekend... Totally unpredictable :/ I'm just glad we've gotten to a point where atleast we can sorta control it all... We can see the shit coming and can attempt to reign it in... Normally it doesn't work but atleast we don't fight as much as before... I see him getting funky and just walk away... We don't scream and yell and throw things anymore... I'm not sure if that's good or bad...

I don't have any fight left in me... I just lock myself in our bedroom and watch DVR til he pulls his head outta his ass... I uses to feel like I had to save him, like if I hold him tight enough, kiss him long enough, love him strong enough hell get better but I see now that isn't an option... It's not truth... It won't work.

This is the one time where love just isn't enough because if it was he'd be safe as healthy and whole... He wouldn't be suffering like he is... 

When he skips his meds, his nightmares are far worse then any other time... Right now I have him sleeping on my chest I'm typing with one hand and rubbing his head with the other... He's already woken up twice tonight scream and crying but I don't think he really "woke up" and thankfully he won't remember any of this in the morning... But I will...

He almost never remembers his "bad days" or "bad nights" and I just let that be.. No reason for him to remember what I remember...

I spoke to this therapist last week about how I feel he needs to feel more "needed" at work... I mean think about it he has more combat experience then anyone in that company and they have him sitting at a computer twiddling his thumbs instead of sharing that knowledge with other soldiers... She agreed with me and promised to speak with the commander... She kept her promise and tomorrow when they do land nav Josh is going to be teaching parts of it... I'm excited for him but then again I wish it was any other day... He's having such a bad night sleep wise I can see it either making him happy as hell or being the straw that breaks him for the whole week...

Fingers crossed that it ends well... I seriously don't have it in me to fight this week...

I seriously need to work on some real story telling blogs... More explaining the before time if I keep talking about it, it won't hurt as bad ya know?

That's my goal for tomorrow :) but til then I'm gonna close my eyes and cuddle with the love of my life <3

Thursday, June 13, 2013

2am and she calls me...

It's 2:45am... I haven't written in a while... Not that I haven't wanted to I just haven't known what to say... I have been reading a lot about the stages of grief:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining 
Depression
Acceptance

What stage am I at? It's been a year and a half and most of the time I'm ok now... I'm far more ok then I thought I'd ever be again but I'm by no means the person I was before... 

Living with someone with severe PTSD changes you... You take on their symptoms, their fears become your fears, their doubts become yours...

Just because I'm not scared of IEDs in the street or convinced the 7-11 guy is Taliban doesn't mean I'm not just as scarred as he is now... I'm scared that he is going to vanish... Any time he doesn't answer his phone or is late coming home I convince myself they took him again... Sometimes I'm so scared I can't breathe or see straight...

It's been happening more frequently lately... I'm noticing a pattern... When he misses his meds he gets wild and when he gets wild, I get paranoid... 

I don't like it.

I made a therapy appt for the 17th... I think a big part of what's going on is its been long enough now is that I'm starting to remember more and more...

The other day I had to go to Belvoir to pick up my MRI CD for Dr Cooper... My chest tightened as soon as I walked into the building... I hate that hospital so much... It was so weird I could see myself there that day... I could see myself standing there... Alone, scared, heartbroken, just plain broken... I could remember looking out of the office in the the general lobby and I kept expecting to see Josh walk in or see him sitting somewhere... The common sense side of me knew that wasn't going to happen but the totally illogical part of me still expected... Like I was going to wake up and it was all a dream... The only other time I've felt like that was after my first car accident when I was 17... I kept looking at the car and thinking "No way this isn't real... This can't be real... This didn't just happen"

I couldn't form full sentences, I couldn't think I could barely breathe... 

That day broke me worse the both times he deployed, more then watching him leave after r&r... More then anything else ever did... It changed me... 

That's all I can think about lately and I really need to stop... 

So it's now 3:15am... Do I keep writing? Haha why not!

So last weekend was a freakin nightmare... I shoulda saw it coming but I felt like being "nice" someone PLEASE remind me the next time I feel like being nice... DON'T!

The shit show started on Tues... You know your gonna have a shitty weekend when it's TUESDAY and the shit has already started haha

So Josh called me on Tues around noon and was like "I need a huge favor" oh fantastic "can Marissa stay with us for a few days?" Little back story I *hate* Marissa not just a little either lol she makes me crazy! She was a friend of his at Ft Lewis before we got married, she lost her legs in Iraq, and for ONCE she is the perfect example of a bad thing happening to a bad person. She is a very very bad person.

But Josh had me stuck he had told her "let me ask Sher" then called me... Which basically put me in the if I say no I'm the ass position so of course I said yes...

I expected her to come on Friday because her event in the city was on Sat... Oh no no no that bitch showed up 6 hours later.Fuck.

She has this habit of playing Josh and I against each other and making us fight and We can fight enough on our own we don't need her help!

So I put up with her nasty comments, bitchy behavior and condescending tone of voice til Friday. On Friday I lost my shit.

I had told her weeks earlier that we had the Army Birthday Ball on Friday at 6... Long story short at 7:30 we were still waiting for her to get ready because she's a selfish self centered cunt who thinks and cares about noone and nothing besides herself! 

The straw that broke the camel's back for me was that after making us an hour and a half late HER DRESS DIDN'T FIT not just a little tight oh no no no Im talking not even effing close like she hasn't tried this thing on in months!

I know it sounds petty but add that to all the shit she had done all month and I was DONE so I told her to get her shit and get the fuck outta my house... I had to call the cops to get that psycho bitch to leave! Who in their right mind locks themselves in someone else's bedroom?! She really believed the cop was going to take her side LOL I was like hey nut job! I OWN this house YOU were asked to leave they're gonna make ya! 

God I hate stupid.

Oh! In other news I'm having my left ankle surgery on July 11th :/ 1 month from now ill be casted up to my knee YAY! Not! 

But alright I better at least try to sleep ill write more soon :) night!


Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Taking the long way

So it's been a while since I've written here... Lately the things I've been thinking and feeling are just not appropriate to post publicly (then the courts can throw around words like "premeditated" haha just kidding :) so I've been writing in my paper diary like a 15 year old girl ;)

I'm started to get excited about the book because I can publish all the things I can't write here without fear of jail time

Things have been good... I went on my first girls only trip a few weeks ago and it went great for the most part... Expect for my ankle...

I fell on the last day of the trip and rolled my GOOD ankle ugh! I have an appt with Dr Cooper (the surgeon) next Tues because all the ligaments are torn and he needs to sew them back together... Also because the cyst that was in my right ankle is back so YAY for more ankle surgery!

Things with Josh got a little wild this past weekend, but I'm not shocked at all it was Memorial Day Weekend so I kinda saw it coming and was prepared... Memorial Day is the only 4 day weekend the Army gives that I have zero expectations for... I don't even waste my time planning shit anymore because I know it won't happen haha no random rides to Bass pro shop with Guinness, no surprise trips to visit family in Jersey, no crazy sex all weekend nope... Just pouting, crying, and Fred.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate Fred?

This last weekend was a nightmare... Not only was it Memorial Day Weekend, oh no... He also forgot his meds... Which as you can imagine was just the recipe for the best weekend ever... NOT!

Friday we went to my PCM appt to get the MRI referral he was already pissy... He pouted and after eating lunch we came home and he went to sleep Til about 8pm when I forced him to get up and against my better judgement dropped him off at the VFW hoping being around other vets would snap him outta his funk (it did for that night but that coulda just been the whiskey talking!)

On Sat we went to our friends Joe and Danielle's for a small BBQ... We didn't stay long, he was crabby I was in pain and I had dinner reservations with Wounded Warrior Wives at 7... I don't think I'm gonna go to those dinners anymore they just make me angry... It drives me up the walls to see the "system" working for everyone but us...

On Sunday I honestly can't remember what we did (lol) which tells me we more then likely slept in then spent the day in bed watching tv with the fur babies...

And finally on Monday we spent the whole day avoiding what holiday it was and Josh finally got to working on the lawn mower I was really proud of him... He looked up how to fix it on YouTube and did it! We also went and walked around Lowes for a while and found the backsplash were going to buy for the kitchen on Friday... I'm REALLY excited about that!!

So that is the "good" of our weekend the bad was that he was off his meds which means every so often he'd have a full blown breakdown over something as simple as going to throw something into the garbage and missing the can...

I hate when he misses his meds because I know how out of control it makes him feel and it kills me to see him in that kind of emotional pain and know there is nothing I can do but at the same time it helps me because when he's medicated and functioning normally I begin to second guess myself... I start to wonder if things were as bad as I thought they were or if I was just over reacting, I question if I made the right choice or if I jumped the gun... When he skips his meds for 3+ days I see the person he was before his hospitalization again and I realize I wasn't over reacting at all...

A huge difference now though is that I refuse to engage him when he's unmediated... I won't fight back, I don't expect anything out of him, I don't get shocked when he says he's going to do something then doesn't... I just tell him to come talk to me when he's back in control... I also try to keep him in the house as much as possible when he's off his meds noone else should have to deal with him in a state that I refuse to deal with him in ya know?

Well it's 6:30am and I should really get to sleep finally haha I'm gonna write a bit later about our plans for the kitchen this weekend and about my surgery plans :)

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Nothing good ever happens after 2am

I've been dying to make that a blog title for weeks haha it's one of my fave quotes from How I met your mother and FINALLY it's 2am and I'm calm and happy enough to use it YAY!

So I got back from the NY writing retreat last Monday and I haven't really had a lot to say... I had a lot of blog ideas but I just haven't been in the mood to write :/ not sure why I haven't been in a "bad" mood just blah-ish if that makes any sense at all

Some blogs I plan to write in the coming days/weeks are:

1. Who I am and what I've lost to his illness

2. What I miss about the "before" time

3. How I'm adjusting to the "new normal"

And I dunno I have a whole list written in my note book but I'm way too lazy to get up and find it hahaha

Things have been really good between Josh and I... No fighting at all and we're finally able to talk about serious issues that 6 months or a year ago had we sat down and tried to talk about we woulda ended up at each others throats... We talked about the future, our marriage and if kids are in the cards for us...

We decided to go ahead with the infertility testing I had to change the dates because the tests are set up around my cycle and last month it didn't work out :/ they're now tested for May 22nd well see! Fingers crossed that it all works out this time...

We also decided we don't want to go any further then the tests right now... We decided we just want to know if anything is wrong, if nothing is wrong then we can take our time and do the things we want to do before strapping ourselves down with kids...

Don't get me wrong I want a child but I also want to see Europe and take another wild spur of the moment Jamaica trip and I wanna finish my degree... So many things that having a kid will make very hard if not impossible...

Speaking of my degree Josh and I are going to sign up for classes as soon as I get back from FL next week PRETTY EXCITED!!!

Alrighty I'm gonna head to bed... Lots to do to get ready for the trip tomorrow... Night!!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Writing part B day 1 part 1

Discribe a moment of small but significant change:

I was sitting in an orthopedic surgeon's office with my ankle up on the table. My parents were sitting in chairs near by, there was dead silence. The dr walked in and didn't say a word at first he just put my x-ray onto the light box, turned it on and looked at me. He didn't need to say anything his eyes gave it away, I hope he doesn't play poker.

"Sherie, I'm so sorry but this is your 4th fracture of the same bone in 3 years that shouldn't be happening. After a bone breaks there should be a calcium deposit what prevents the bone from breaking again, clearly that isn't happening for you. I know your a swimmer and I know your training for the nationals team but I'm so sorry you can't compete anymore."

I laughed. I was 15 and he was telling me everything I had trained for since I was 5 was going to be taken away because of an ankle fracture... A fracture that I had been swimming though and just "dealing with" a fracture that I numbed with pain meds and the mind set that if I didn't think about it while swimming it wouldn't hurt I'd just deal with the swelling later. He was nuts if he thought I was going to stop... mom and dad wouldnt do that to me... I looked to them like "ok! Now is when you speak up and say sorry we need a second opinion" but they avoided my eyes... They had already talked to the dr. They knew this before I was ever brought to his office. Their minds were made up.

I fought back years refusing the cry in front of this man who was taking my whole life from me I wouldn't give him that power...

"Swimming is low impact! This makes no sense! There's no reason you should wan me to stop doing something that is good for me!" I said though gritted teeth afraid if I opened my mouth to speak, all that would come out would be sobs

"But it's not good for you" he began "every time you dive, every time you get on the block and put all your body weight on the your medatarcles to start a race, every time you flip turn you cause damage, small fractures to form, tendons to tear, and as each happen you prevent the old ones from healing if you don't stop swimming soon you won't be able to walk"

At 15 this made no sense to me. Why wasn't I allowed to make this choice... I'd pick swimming over walking! But the choice was not mine... The choice was already made... In that 20 mins appt I went from training for the nationals swim team to a girl on crutches with an ankle brace who wasn't allow to walk barefoot anymore... I had fought though the prior injuries but I realized this time things had gone too far... It was over.

Family bonding <3

My fur babies are getting along great I'm so glad they are quickly becoming best friends :)

How lucky did we get that we brought a 1 year old cat home and he bonded with a 4 year old dog who's used to being an only child?! Both my babies are currently sound asleep at the end of the bed and as soon as Greys is over I'm gonna join them :) feeling VERY blessed right now :)















Friday, April 26, 2013

Greetings from my little purple space ship

So I'm back in NYC (YAY!) I was really seriously debating if I wanted to come back and all my thoughts kept going to if I don't ill never forgive myself so I did and boy am I glad!

I've had an exciting few days honestly... I'm sure many of you remember me talking about "Nikki" the woman who was my best friend... Well I called her the other night... Not having her in my life was making me sick and it was like nothing ever happened we just picked back up :) I don't know if well ever be that close again but I know I have my friend back and that's huge to me...

So far in NYC nothing too big has happened... I already took my sleep meds because I have to be up dressed and downstairs before 8am (um EW!!) they have really cool body wash here though one is called "get up" and the other is "get down" as you can guess one wakes you up and one puts you to sleep... The sleep one most def works! I'm hoping the wake up does too hehe well find out in the morning!

I walked around for a bit with some of my WWP girlfriends now I'm relaxing in my hotel room reading and waiting for Glenna to get here...

I'm not sure what I wanna work on tomorrow... Part of me wants to work on the book but another part of me wants to work on something totally outside of his illness just something creative :/

I dunno...

Ill be updating tomorrow as I go though so you'll know as soon as I do!

















Thursday, April 25, 2013

I guess I'm a heartless bitch :/

The women at Ft Myer act like I'm satan.

I've been with Josh almost 7 years, married almost 5 years... I've changed, Josh has changed, our marriage has changed...

When he went on his first TDY of our marriage, which was K9 school in March of 2009, I clung to him like white on rice for 72 hours leading up to him leaving... Like psycho clingy nut job status! I wouldn't let him outta my sight, took about 500 pictures like there was a chance that I'd forget what he looks like or that he may not come back from big scary San Antonio TX... Or like I wasn't gonna be down there with him in like 2 weeks...

When he left I cried like a little bitch... Full blown pity party... One of my best friends (who will remain nameless for her protection lol) ended up slipping sleeping meds into my soda so Id shut up and sleep LOL

That was 4 years and a deployment ago (we were not married when he deployed the first time)

Tomorrow I am going away for 4 days to NYC... Am I up his ass? Nope! I'm currently sitting in our car in front of a bar where he is doing stand up comedy... I went in, saw him perform, now I'm in the car listening to music while he enjoys time with his friends... No stress, no tears, no photo gallery just I love you Ill miss you Feed the animals don't forget to clean Jameson's litter box see you Monday :)

Cool, calm, normal!

I've realized in the past 5 years for this to work we have to be 2 separate people who work together not 2 people who are attached at the hip and unable to think for themselves!

If there was 1 thing I wish I could teach the new wives I meet its that just because I don't say it all the time doesn't mean I don't love Josh and miss him I've just realized all the years in the world won't bring him back TRUST ME I tried!

You have to have your own life and be able to function on your own in this type of situation you can't depend on your husband for everything because sooner or later he isn't going to be there to fall back on!

I'm not a heartless bitch, I'm not an unloving wife, I'm just realistic :/

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Countdown is ON!

So my friend Stephaine had a pretty awesome idea... Her, my friend Rachel from Ft Lewis (she was K9 with Josh) and myself are going to Disney for a week in 1 month... YAYNESS!

One month from today I'll be at the Happiest Place On Earth with the girls :)

We're gonna be staying at Shades of Green on property so that we don't have to worry about driving once we get there :)

I'm looking forward to drinks in Epcot, pictures at the Magic Kingdom, water slides at Typhoon Lagoon, dancing AT&T night at Downtown Disney, and massages at the hotel's spa!

All with ladies who love Disney as much as me! I've never gone on a girls only trip so I'm crazy excited about it!!

Ready, Set, Don't Go

So today I was forced to take a very big step and realized I was in no way, shape or form prepared for it... So Josh has an eye infection from his contacts so he isn't allowed to drive (tech, I shouldn't be either being that my foot is broken but whatever at least I can see lol) so I took Josh to the dr today on Ft Myer... Rader Clinic... The place where my whole nightmare began...

It was awful. I mean nothing "really" happened but I was on edge the whole time... Chewing my nails, tapping my foot, wouldn't let Josh out of my sight for even a second... I was ready to puke and felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest... It was a nightmare!

I'm by no means even remotely close to being ok with Ft Myer, the events of 2011, or the medical care provided at that hell hole of a clinic...

Guess I'm not as far past everything as I thought I was :/ I really thought maybe I'd be ok but nope...

It's not so much anger any more as it is fear... I'm scared to death of ending up like we were... I'm scared to death of having to go though that again I just don't have the energy in me to do it again...I'm not strong enough...

And more then fear, it's embarrassment... These people think I'm an awful person, they think I abuse my husband and scream and throw fits for no reason none of them see how he was behaving... No one sees why I was like that...

Im gonna try something right now... It's 2:51am and I'm gonna attempt to finish writing this, write 1 more quick post a d then go to sleep... I wanna see if I can pull myself outta this funk I'm in... I'm right on the edge of a panic attack and I'm not gonna let it happen! I am stronger then this, I'm in control, Josh is sound asleep Laying next to me, Guinness and Jameson are at our feet... Our family is whole and safe and together and happy...

Monday, April 8, 2013

Hairline fracture

So it happened again... I knew it was just a matter of time but I didn't think it would be so soon :/

My foot broke again...

It's a hairline fracture in the same place it always is ugh ;( the difference this time is normally when it breaks its because my ankle rolls but this time I jammed it... That scares me...

I can't help but be scared I feel like there has to be something wrong with my foot there's no way it's normal to have a bone that breaks this easily :/

I have to make an appt with my ortho surgeon to see if he has any ideas because I'm totally fed up with this shit I can't live like this! I've broken it so many times that it doesn't even "feel" broke anymore I mean it hurts but it's not unbearable I am still wearing shoes and walking and driving and going to the gym...

I dunno I'm looking down at my foot right now and the color of my toes is scaring me they're VERY swollen and black and blue... I dunno maybe Dr Cooper will have an idea or something we can do to protect this bone from future breaks...

I'm gonna head to bed now its been a long night

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Please spread the word!


This is the story of how my friend's daughter died... please i beg of each and every one of you share it with everyone to know to hopefully protect other families and children from this happening again!! This virus originated as genital herpes. When the infected woman (not my friend, her sister in law) decided to give birth to her daughter at home with an uneducated midwife she chose to give her daughter the herpes simplex virus. To most it's not life threatening but affects the child for their entire life. What mother would ever choose that?? Well this one did twice!! She, the child mentioned above and her father came to visit. During an outbreak it IS transferable through saliva, her daughter was swapping pacifiers with my friends daughter. Within 24 hours of showing up she had symptoms. If she had disclaimed the possibility of the virus we could have saved her. Instead we ran test after test, as she sat in our home researching whether or not it was her virus. She is a coward.
My friends daughter contracted viral encephalytis. It was caused as a direct result of being exposed to the Herpes virus. She was almost 4 months old. She was born healthy and was the most beautiful happy baby. She began having seizures and was taken to the emergency room at Madigan Hospital on Fort Lewis. Her parents were asked if she had been exposed to the virus because of a spot on her cheek of course they said no because neither of them had it and they had no idea the sister in law or her baby did. had they known this the hospital could have treated their beautiful daughter and saved her! She was transferred to Mary Bridge Children's Hospital in Tacoma where she was diagnosed and treated for 30 days to control the seizures and fight the virus. She fought. But the devastating illness destroyed her brain. When the baby was released from the hospital she only had 5% brain function left... Just enough to eat, drink, swallow and breathe. This little girl was PERFECT she was loved and beautiful and when I think of what an angel looks like her face is what comes to mind... At the request of my friend I beg of you to TRUST NOONE not your family, not your friends, not even other children don't let your kids share bottle or pacifiers don't share anything that goes in their mouth... Had this sister in law spoken up this little girl would be alive today... I personally think there is a special place in hell for people who let children suffer and die!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Butterfly effect

So I'm watching this lifetime movie about a teenage girl who's dating this total ass but is convinced she loves him just like all teens are... Totally blind to what is really going on convinced they are in love blah blah blah and I started thinking about what I was like as a teen... About the choices I made and the men I dated and the risks I took...

My whole life could be different right now had simple little things been different... I wonder how I ended up on the path I did... I'm glad I did because I adore my husband and love my life but I wonder how... I was far from the best at making logical choices in HS haha I acted on impulse, I thought with my heart not my head...

I hope one day when I have a daughter I can tell her about what I went though and keep her from having to go though the same heartaches... There is no pain quite like a broken heart and no love quite like your first... But I learned one very important thing all the heartache and tears were just preparing me to find Josh... I mean it has to rain for their to be a rainbow right?

Monday, March 25, 2013

My furbabies :)

Guinness and Jameson are getting along great! They're really becoming sister and brother :) Today we took them both to the vet Guinness had to get her staples out and Jameson had to have a well-kitten appt... I was expecting to be in and out real fast but wow poor kitten is DEFF not well ;(

He had ear mites and they had to give him a shot (they weren't sure if he had had a distemper shot so they gave him another to be sure) and then the vet said she thought he has Luxating Patella which is a problem with his knee and she wants to do surgery WHAT?! He has no issues at all I dunno If I wanna put him under if I don't have to ya know? I'm gonna make a second opinion appt tomorrow and see what a diff vet says :/

This weekend was great we took Guinness down to Bass Pro Shop and Sonic on Sat for a little "Guinness Day out" hehe she had an awesome time and so did we :)

Here are some pictures of my babies from the past week :)













Friday, March 22, 2013

Should I change?

So I think it's pretty common knowledge I'm a psych major... Have my AS working on my BS I'm just a few credits short of it but I don't think I want it anymore...

It doesn't draw me in like it used to... Where I used to happily go to every class, reading all the way though the book on the first day of class loving the idea of how far the human mind can stretch... Lets sum it up crazy people excite me haha I can't help it! I wanna understand what makes someone snap, what makes people see things and hear things... Or at least I used to

I hate it now... I can't watch movies about mental illness anymore, psych hospital films upset me, books about the mentally ill put me into a border line panic attack... How can I keep this major if I can't even control my own reaction to reading it??

I mean part of me wants to stay in it so I can become a psychologist and help other families who are in the same position we are/were in but what if I end up doing this to another family? What if I end up hurting another family as we were hurt? What if I jump to conclusions and ruin someone's life? There's no going back once the call has been made there's no backtracking no take backs no do overs once your in the system your in it for life and noone can get you out

So what should I do? Stay or change?

Thursday, March 21, 2013

To think I thanked her

This is gonna be more of a rant then anything else...

I thanked that woman... I told her how kindhearted she was, how helpful she was, how glad I was she was treating my husband...

I did everything she said... I lied to Josh for her... I told him to listen and do as he was told... I told him that he would be released and able to go back to work if he did what she said...

I answered all her questions, told her anything she wanted to know... I sang like a little bird...

And she used me. She lied to me. She made me believe she was on my side and threw me under the bus as soon as I was no longer useful to her...

"She" is his dr at Ft Belvoir. She is the worst woman I have ever met in my life. I have no respect for her and honestly believe there is a special place in hell for assholes like her...

She used my love for Josh against me, she used our marriage and trust again Josh... She played us against each other to get what she wanted... She is a monster!

And the part that makes me the sickest is I thanked her... How could she act like that?!

I really don't think it's fair how CPS and Family Advocey works I mean the drs see things and just assume they know what's going on then makes calls and start processes before they know the facts then suddenly what they say becomes the truth regardless of what is really going on... Everyone believes the dr over the random family...

They pass judgement and rip lives apart without listening or hell sometime without even giving the family a chance to explain they just think they know what they're talking about... But they have no idea...

How many times do you think things like this has happened to other families? Where drs just decide they know what is going on and act on said thought when they are totally wrong... They tore my family apart so I know they've done it to others... They cause problems that follow people for the rest of their lives that cause mental scars that will never heal...

Drs shouldn't be allowed to just call CPS or FA without hard core proof like SEEING the abuse not just guessing... There are a million ways a child could get a bruise or break many bones over the course of years there's many reasons why someone would have a scratch or a black eye...

Not everything is abuse... I wish I could show her what she has done to my live... What she has done to me... I wish I could go back and not thank her but curse her and tell her I pray one day someone rips her life apart the way she ripped my apart...

False security

Since I was able to write that last post so calmly I figured I'd press my luck and try for another...

This story takes place after he was sent to Roxbury in PA before the MPO I knew Roxbury was the wrong place and noone would listen to me...

He left for PA at 5am I drove to Belvoir to kiss him goodbye he was in good spirits and we were doing great as a couple he told me how much he loves me and talk me to meet him in PA at 7pm for visiting hours... I went home after kissing him goodbye and somehow was able to sleep... At about noon I packed Guinness and a suitcase into the car and headed to PA... Guinny and I spent the night at Best Western it was her first time staying in a hotel... The room had 2 queen beds I slept in one and Guinny too the other she seemed to like having her own room

I went to see Josh at 7pm and they were so nice about everything they had already realized by this point he was not in the right treatment facility and were preparing to send him back to VA the following morning they were nice enough to allow us to visit privately in a room... Josh played me a song on the guitar and kissed me and told me how much I meant to him...

I went back to the hotel and believed that everything was finally under control Josh promised me we would go home the next day and everything would go back to normal it would be as if it never happened... For the first time in weeks I was able to breath when I got back to the hotel I ordered dinner and was able to eat a full meal for the first time in who knows how long...


I went to bed that night hopeful, thankful, full of joy and ready to move past all the stuff that had happened... Little did I know the next day was going to be without question the worst day of my life... It was going to make the day he deployed look like a joke... I didn't think anything could possibly hurt as badly as watching him board that plane but trust me I found something worse on that Thursday... The next day was the day his coc ruined our lives it was the day they broke the final piece of me it was the day they took my husband away

Late night memories

It's 1am... Guinness is sleeping at my feet, Jameson on the futon in the green room, Josh by my side... I'm watching TV, Strong Medicine reruns still... I'm on the final season and surprisingly calm right now so I figured I might as well try to pump out some memories I have from when Josh was sick memories I have but most of the time can't even process leg alone talk or write about but now that I'm planning on going to the WWP retreat I really need to get this writing started so that it's ready for the book...

I knew. I knew from the moment I woke up that day that something was very very wrong I knew deep in my chest, in the pit of my stomach that Josh was in the hospital and when I got the phone call that confirmed my fears I lost it... I called my mother in law screaming I couldn't form a full sentence I couldn't think straight I couldn't process what was going on I couldn't move all I could do was scream...

I called a taxi and went over to Belvoir and sat in the waiting room for hours then I went home and I remember laying in bed and shaking... Sleep meds didn't help, holding Guinness didn't help, seeing or smelling any of Josh's things made it worse if that was at all possible

Guinness knew I was upset she tried so hard to comfort me... She pulled the blanket over me with her teeth and tried to lick my cheek... I was in such shock I couldn't even cry... I just laid there with my eyes wide open and looking straight ahead... I didn't get a wink of sleep that night I called the hospital every hour to check on Josh and all they would tell me was that he was stable it was the most stressful night of my life...

I would lay there and go to pick up my phone to call him then remember he wouldn't answer I would go to roll over to talk to him and he wasn't there I would go to call for him to let Guinness out then remember he wasn't here... And each time it was like being shot in the chest again... I wished I could just die so the pain could stop...

Wow I can't believe I just typed all that I can't believe I'm still calm, still breathing, still watching TV without crying... I can feel Josh next to me his leg is touching my thigh I can feel the heat from his body and its calming to me I touch his back and kiss his cheek and know he's there and everything is right in the world, I'm ok, he's ok, our family is ok...

Ready to Fly

So these past few months I'm been debating if I wanna go on the New York Writing Retreat with Wounded Warrior Project... The last one was fun but it seemed that for every good thing I had 3 bad things :/

I met some great women, but I also met some awful system abusing assholes...

I enjoyed learning from the mentors but I couldn't stand listening to some of the women read their work and complain about shit that is so petty I wanted to hit them...

I decided though that I'm gonna go and enjoy the ladies I met and loved and learn all I can from the mentors its kinda once in a lifetime thing to get to learn from some of the most well known writers in the entertainment world...

I can't let other people control me and I need to learn to control my panic and stress... I'm gonna bring my panic meds and hope for the best

I'm also going to be more honest with the WWP staff about my issues and stressors and explain I may just want to be alone after dinner...

I'm kinda worried about it but I have to relax... I have to accept that people suck and I can't change them but I can learn who I don't want to be one day...

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Nothing to report

Nothing exciting has happened around here lately just been catching up on TV and relaxing with the hubby hehe

On Saturday night we went to the Gala for Cancer Research at our VFW it was kinda sorta awesome heeh

I won 2 free nights in Savanna GA and 2 free rights in Orlando Fl all from The Hampton Inn! Very exciting! We're planning to take a nice little drive down there and just relax and take it easy Josh wants to go hunting in GA so I asked him if we could do that in GA and go to Sea World in FL and he agreed :) we're doing Disney in the fall so I don't wanna end up going 5 times in 24 months haha

Josh also won a prize too! He's far more excited about his then mine hehe he won't 150 free drinks at our VFW!


Then on Sunday we took a random ride down to Bass Pro Shop about 2 hours away it was a lot of fun we made a whole day of it stopping at Sonic for slushes and lunch then walked around the store for a while normally not my idea of a good time but Josh loves it so it made me happy to see him happy :) we were looking at stuff he'd need for his hunting trip in GA and while there we found out dogs are welcome in Bass Pro Shop so next weekend well be taking Guinness down there :)

This weekend we already have plans!

On Saturday I'm having a bunch of girl friends over for a Pure Romance Party to celebrate a good friend getting married I'm pretty excited were gonna play a game where we all bring a pair of (new) panties in the Brides size I'm going tomorrow to buy the sluttiest pair I can find hahahahaha

Then on Sunday there is a gun show at our VFW that Josh has been looking forward to so after breakfast well be headed over there to hopefully find a new shot gun for the hunting trip :)

We're also planning a trip to Dublin Ireland and to New Orleans for later in the year we talked about it and we might as well travel as much as we can before we have kids

Oh yeah about kids!

We have agreed (with the help of my dr) that I should finish losing weight and get my ankle totally fixed before adding a pregnancy into the mix... I'm 0.9lb from my first weight watchers goal and about 40lb from totally 100% happy I've lost 15 so far :)

Alrighty I gotta run ill try to update more often :)





Jameson, meet the world :)

So today was a big day in the Tucker house! Josh surprised me with a 1 year old kitten! His name is Jameson Ireland Tucker and I kinda sorta love him hehehe

I've been begging Josh for months for a kitten and we haven't found the right one til now :) we wanted a larger breed, older, adoptable cat who is friendly and social and boy did we find our perfect little guy!

He is just perfect he purrs in his sleep, cuddles, loves to be pet, is playful and funny, and meows at me if I meow at him!

It's gonna take a few days to get Guinness and Jameson to be best friends but it'll happen :)

World, meet Jameson!









Sunday, March 17, 2013

Graduated

So do I get a party for graduating therapy?

Since Josh got really bad I've been going to therapy at least once a week... Sometimes as many as 3 times a week depending on how bad Josh was but lately I've been doing a lot better and everyone including my therapist is taking notice

The last few times I've gone to therapy I've really had nothing to talk about Its kinda weird to say this but I don't care as much anymore

I mean I care I DEFF care but I can't let what happened last year over power my life I can't let them win

When you break it down, I won. I have my husband and he's doing a lot better... Fuck them. They can't ruin my marriage I won't allow it!

So on Friday I went and the therapist basically told me I was doing a lot better and she didn't see a need for me to go as often anymore she said once a month should be good and that I have basically graduated therapy she still has to see me once a month because of my meds but other then that I'm 100 times better :)

I'm glad that I'm doing better but I can't help but fear when the other shoe is gonna drop...

I'm scared about the MEB :/ some people get 100% and others get 20% both having the same symptoms... What if Josh only gets 20%? How long is this gonna end up taking? One of the SGTs in Josh's unit has been waiting on his PEB since Oct... But I have a friend who's husband moved though it all super fast...

I wish I knew a date I wish I could plan ahead this whole waiting thing is making me nuts I don't like not knowing which pay check will be our last, how much I need saved to be sure our mortgage payment can be made while we wait for the VA pay to kick in, when he should apply for college to be sure he gets in...

There's so much to plan and none of it can happen til we have a percent and a date and honestly part of me doesn't want to get either thing because it means this is all really over...

I dunno...

Friday, March 15, 2013

Amazed

So it's 3:40am I'm sitting up watching reruns of "Strong Medicine" it's a show that was on Lifetime in the early 2000s that I used to watch with my mom, I ordered season 1 off amazon about a week ago and then tried to order season 2 and found it isn't on DVD BUT I got lucky! All 6 seasons are on YouTube so I'm enjoying a trip down memory lane :)

It's amazing what 25mg of adderll can do to a girl! Normally if I'm up at 3:45am I'm tweaking out, paranoid, thinking about everything that could go wrong but instead I'm laying here smiling and thinking about how blessed I am

My husband is amazing... Even though he's sick he works so hard to keep it under control

He said this weekend he's going to work on a quilt with me because I've been trying to find interest in things he likes :)

I feel like a HS freak giggling about a crush haha

That's one thing I don't like about my meds I feel like I can't write as well I can't use words like I'd like I have zero memory :/

SHIT speaking of zero memory I have to go to the dr at 11am! Guess I gotta get to bed! More later!!

Friday, March 8, 2013

Awful to admit

I can't believe I'm writing this... I feel like the worst person in the world admitting this but I have to... I have to be totally honest here because if I'm not, where can I be totally honest?

Sometimes I wish Josh had a physical injury that people can see when they look at him...

People look at him and see a healthy 6'5 man they see the medicated side of him and they hear us say what is going on and then they say things like

"It's not THAT bad is it?"

"At least he still has all his limbs"

"Just think at least he's healthy and whole"

And I stand there dumbfounded...

YES it's that bad... Yeah he has his arms and legs too bad he lost his brain... And are you fucking stupid he's not healthy!!!

People have made PTSD into a joke they fake it so much, abuse the system so much, lie so much that everyone thinks its fake and made up and bullshit...

It's ruining our lives...

If he had a physical injury so many things would have been different... Noone could tell me I caused his problems, no one could say he's faking, no one could say we're exaggerating because you could look at him and clearly see the injury with your eyes... There would be no speculation, it wouldn't be at the thoughts of the doctors... It would be black and white. No gray... I had the color gray...

It's easy to see how lost limbs effect someone's life, no one can fight that it's cut and dry the process is simple and the same across the board but mental injuries are different how do I explain how hard it is to be living with a stranger? How do I express what it's like to not know the man who's laying in bed next to you...

Never knowing which side of him your gonna get never knowing who's gonna wake up never knowing if it will be a good day or bad day...

Sometimes he changes in seconds... He's totally fine and then BAM he's an ass...

So today I'm gonna take a stand against this... When he comes up stairs in a few mins (he's down stairs playing with Guinness hehe) I'm gonna call my friend Trevor and have him 3 way his friend Allan and the 4 of us are going to come up with a plan to ensure Josh gets the treatment he needs and the rating he deserves I refuse to be thrown under the bus again, pushed aside anymore, treated like a second rate citizen ever again and if that means we have to be the whistle blowers against Ft Belvoir Hospital, Radar Clinic and the Old Guard then fine! So be it!

If they have done these things to us then it means they've done these things to other people and I refuse to let it happen to anyone else...

I have a feeling things are gonna get wild around here soon... Part of me is worried about what they are gonna do to fight back when we go at them with all we have I know how they work they're most def gonna fight back but I won't be scared anymore!!!

I will NOT let them scare me anymore I will NOT let them hurt my family again. I will NOT let them hurt another family.

I'm preparing to go to war... Just because you can't see his injuries doesn't mean they aren't there and I'm about to bring his injuries into light!

Monday, March 4, 2013

"Do you believe in Miracles?!"

So it's 2:09am and for the first time in a LONG time I'm not awake due to fear or panic or insomnia I'm wide awake watching TV and smiling like a nut!

I was flipping though the channels after I finished reading my daily Kate Middleton gossip (yeah yeah yeah I know but I can't get enough of the Royal drama haha) and I was pleasantly surprised to find one of my favorite movies was on, Miracle!

I know it's a weird movie to be my face but I have a reason and I can't help but smile when I think about it, it brings me back to a very different point in my life, a point where I still whole heartily believed in magic and well Miracles ;)

I was a Junior in High School when the movie came out, my dad took Jimmy (my brother) and I to see it (Mom stayed home with the baby) the movie is based on the true story of the 1980 Olympic Hockey team, The Miracle on Ice as it came to be known. The movie was fantastic and the fact that my dad could tell me about the day it happened brought it to life for me he told me he had tickets to the game but him and his friends decided to go to Atlantic City instead because they were convinced that the US wasn't just going to lose but be humiliated by the Soviet team... Boy were they wrong and boy were they pissed haha

They ended up missing one of the most amazing hockey games ever played and one of sports most important moments!

My first week of Senior year I was told about our Senior Paper assignment it had to be 25+ pages on an event in history with an interview from someone who either was involved in or witnessed the event... Lots of people chose 9/11 because of where we lived, the start of the war on terror or the day JFK was killed but not me! I chose the 1980 Olympic hockey Team's amazing win... Needless to say my teachers thought I was nuts.

After I handed in my idea, my English teacher asked to see me and wanted to be sure I knew what I was doing she informed me she wouldn't force me to change my topic but if I didn't get an interview she would be forced to fail me and she couldn't see any way I could possibly get the needed interview. I wasn't worried I already knew how I was gonna do it my dad had handed me the keys to that kingdom the year before and didn't even know it!

At the end of the movie they show each team member as the real person, the actor who played him in the movie and a little blurb about what they are doing now... Most of them went on to be coaches or team owners but not Bill Baker... Bill Baker was my golden ticket!

The film said he went on to become an Oral Surgeon in his home state of MO! Take that info with any knowledge of Google and you have yourself an office phone number! I called and left a message with his front desk staff explaining my project and requesting a call back. I got it that night!

My dad came into my room holding his hand over the phone and said "um there's a Dr Bill Baker on the phone for you is this for real" smiling so wide I was shaking I jumped took the phone and asked him a few questions about his time on the team.

He was VERY nice! Told me how when they were presented their gold metals that was the last time they were all in 1 place together... he said all the quotes in the movie were really things Brooks (Their coach) did and said "The name on the front of your jersey is far more important then the name on the back!" "Red line back blue line back far red line back far blue line back... AGAIN!" that work put became known as suicides...

I told him how my fave part of the movie was when Brooks was trying to get them to say they play for the USA not their College teams and he said that really happened and that was the moment they bonded as a team.

Before we got off the phone he asked me for my address which I quickly gave him.

A few days later a fed ex package came with autographed cards, pucks, a jersey and a letter thanking me for taking interest in history!

My teacher was in utter shock! She called my parents twice to be sure this was real and as you can guess I got an A on my term paper :)

How many girls can say they interviewed a Sports Legend for their senior paper... That's what I thought hehe :)

5 years

So this year will be our 5th wedding anni :)

I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of Annis but it's HUGE for us!

It's a sign that we made it though, we have survived together against the odds... Noone thought we'd make it, hell for a while there we didn't think we'd make it :/

But now things are different we have figured out how to work together how to be a couple AND an individual and I love it :)

So this blog will be updated many times over the next few months as I plan our anni party :) the first wedding was pure perfection, baked ziti and cake with the people we love most, the people who totally supported our choice to be married even if they were placing bets under the table about when we would get divorced haahah I do take 2 was for me and it was a hot mess :/

This party is for Josh :) BBQ, beer, shorts and flip flops in our beautiful massive back yard :) why have a 1/4th acre yard if your not gonna have parties in it?!?

But we said I can hang lights and fancy table clothes and of course Baked Ziti will be served as it has been on every one of our Annis :)

Not gonna lie, I'm pretty effing excited!!!

Friday, February 22, 2013

Well I don't believe in Canada

Sooo if I just make blanket statements such as "I don't believe in Canada" does that mean that Canada is not real?

We were at the VFW tonight and I was already pissed from the moment I walked in, I had left Josh there at about 9 and came home to read and relax then headed back at about 12:30 to get him... When I walked in some old woman (like older then my mom) was hanging all over him and when I walked over I just stood there and looked at her for a few moments and she was like "who are you" and I glared at Josh and then she was like "oh you must be the wife" and quickly introduced herself Josh said it just looked really bad and I believe him because I then watched this woman drunkenly do the same thing to everyone in the bar man and woman alike haha

So we move from the bar to a table and this fucking former Navy guy starts running his mouth about how he "doesn't believe" in PTSD WTF?! How can you not believe in something like that?! I don't believe in Candy Canes or puppies I guess they're not real!

I shocked both myself and Josh with how well I handled the situation... I very calmly told the ass that the night was now over and we'd be leaving and just left... No fight, no screaming, no bitch fit... So unlike me hahaha

I didn't feel any need to lose my shit today which is something that never happens I'm normally the first to look for a fight the first to flip out and speak my mind but like this just didn't feel like it was worth it

He is clearly a fucking moron and you can't fix stupid... I guess I'm finally learning to "pick my battles"

I gotta hand it to Josh though he took my side, and then asked if I was ok and told me how much he loves me and how I'm the most important person in his life and he couldn't live without me :) he kinda sorta made my whole day hehehe

Alrighty time for me to cuddle up with my amazing hubby! :)

Yahoooooooo

I can still hear the sound in my head and it gives me a feeling I can't explain to you I wish I could... It was the sound that my computer made when Josh logged on line during the deployment.

I had it set loud enough that no matter where I was in the house I could hear it, in the Evergreen house it was very easy, I had no carpet so it would echo haha

My heart is leaping and I'm smiling right now just thinking about it I can see hear it haha

It would wake me up in the middle of the night and I would always be hopeful... Hopefully that I would get the side of him that loved me, the side of him that missed me and made me laugh... that was rare but Every night I hoped for it

Every once in a while I think about that sound and miss it so deeply I miss the excitement of hearing it when I least expected it, when I needed it the most, when it was all I was waiting for

It brings me back to a different time in my life it's funny how a sound can bring back feelings and smells I think of it and can see myself in my bed at the Evergreen house... The room is dark because its the middle of the night and spotless because I was living alone and had nothing but time to clean... There was no carpet in that house so the sound would echo... Josh's side of the bed would always be tucked tight and the bed spread and pillow never disturbed it was like my own personal reminder everyday that I was alone and things were not how they should be...

The sheet thing is something I started as a child, my mom would always tuck me into bed super tight so it would feel like the sheets were hugging me as I grew older it became the only way I could sleep as a teen I would wake up in the middle of the night to re-tuck the sheets around myself... I stopped this when Josh and I got married because he would hold me at night (also because he hates tucked sheets) but as soon as he deployed I started again, come to think of it when he was hospitalized I did it too...

But enough about sheets haha

I always used to sleep very heavy and do again now that he's been stateside for some time but while he was gone a pin drop could have woken me and the Yahooooo of my laptop always did... I didn't care what time it was that was always a welcomed wake up call

When we would have a good talk I would fall right back to sleep with a smile of my face dreaming of homecoming, but when he would be in a mood I would be a head case sometimes I would cry so hard I'd throw up, others I would have to take sleep meds or drink a few cocktails to fall back to sleep, others I would sit up watching Netflix waiting for him to log back in hours and hours later because no sleep would come to me meds or not Til I knew he hadn't gone though with his threats of self harm

It's a sound I miss but also a sound I'm glad ill never have to sit around and wait for again

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Truth VS Facebook

I remember the first time I admitted to someone things weren't great between Josh and I...

It was Christmas Day during his second deployment and he was being an ass. Like a full blown monster...

He had gone to bed at like 5pm his time and that was the end of that so I went with my family over to my aunt's house for dinner when I got there my cousin asked me what was wrong because I was super distant and just avoiding everyone and I just slipped my guts I told her everything that was going on how scared I was how I was really thinking about leaving him how I didn't know if I could do it anymore the words poured from my mouth and I could stop them I had never spoken that truthfully or freely about what was going on to anyone and as I rambled all I could think was "stop talking stop talking stop talking!!!!!!" But I couldn't.

And then she said the famous line that after his melt down I heard daily "But you look like your so happy on Facebook"

Yeah no shit.

I wish my life was even half as wonderful and careful as it appears on Facebook... I can edit my marriage down to a few cute pictures, a loving quote, and bullshit smilies and noone knows any better...

I was living in WA state, 2800 miles from my family, it was so easy to pretend it was stupid how the hell could they know that while I was posting "Dinner with my super hubby!" I meant I was dropping it off at the kennels and then leaving seconds later because if we spent more then 5 minutes in the same room while awake we'd fight? How could they know that "yay! Girls night!" Wasn't a fun night with my girlfriends but a desperate distraction because Josh was working nights again and I was afraid to be in our apartment alone at night? How could they know that when he would post "love you" on my wall it was his attempt at apologizing for screaming at me for hours about things I knew nothing about

They had no idea.

They didn't know the hours I spent alone, the days I spent wishing I had made a different choice wishing I could go home and pick up my life where it left off

Facebook makes lying so easy, it's telling the truth that's hard.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Late night drives

When I lived in WA, the middle of the night was my fave time of day... Josh was normally deployed or working the road or on CQ so he was never home at night and as you've noticed I have a habit of sleeping during the day (lol)

My friends (Roxie and Lori) were thankfully also night owls and I was always running around with them somewhere in the middle of the night be it a random 2am trip to wander Walmart, pie and salad (haha Roxie fuck Denny's for buying out our diner!!!) at midnight, apple at at 11pm at The Rock, 3am "get in the car" basically kidnapped trips to the casino, random sex store trips where Wed laugh at the toys we were always out at night and it was so peaceful to me it no traffic just me and my friends

That's one of the things I miss most and tonight for the first time since I moved To VA I felt it again my good friend Cole called me and said she wanted to go out for a drive and I was like "LET'S GO!!!" And she came and got me and we just drove around for almost 3 hours it was wonderful!!!

Josh and I are so lucky to have Cole in our lives she is the only person here who has accepted us as we are, has accepted that Josh's health issue can cause massive problems but she doesn't judge us or use it against us or anything and I love her for that!

I love that I can trust her to go out with Josh and know she would keep him calm if something happened

I love that she doesn't laugh at me for my social issues that she doesn't judge of expect or anything

I'm so glad I have her and now that I know she does middle of the night drives, I have a feeling well be doing it a LOT more :)

I'm hoping if we start doing this, ill be a step closer to who I used to be

I've accepted the Washington version of me is gone, she will never totally come back there's no way to go back and pretend I haven't been though all I've been though with Josh last year

But I'm hoping that slowly pieces of that girl will come back... I felt her today and I miss her so much it felt so good :)

Thank you Cole for being a fantastic friend and a wonderful person WE LOVE YOU :)

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I wish...

I wish I had the problems the wives at Ft Myer have...

I wish my biggest problem was what day the ball would be or what time my husband was getting home

I wish I thought the worst thing in the world was CQ or a few days in the field

I wish I didn't know the pain of watching your husband board a plane for the Middle East, kissing him good bye and not knowing if you'd ever see him alive again

I wish I could just smile and act like everything is perfect

I wish everything was perfect

I wish for one second I could switch places with some of these women let them see how awful things could really be what it feels like to lay in bed at night alone AGAIN sobbing because you can't remember what he smells like or what it felt like to touch him

I wish I never had to spend months convincing myself that my husband was real and I didn't just make him up

I wish I didn't miss years with Josh, miss days with him we can never get back

I wish he was healthy

I wish we never came here

I wish I would have kept my big mouth shut and kept pretending

I wish these women could see how lucky they are and understand how heartbreaking what we have been though is

I wish we weren't being forced to give up everything we know

I wish we could go back to Ft Lewis

I wish we could go back in time

I wish I wish I wish...

Monday, February 18, 2013

Now and Then

I can't help but stop and think about how far I've come in the past 10 years... If 10 years ago you told me I've be married to a combat vet and we'd own our house I would laugh...

This isn't how I saw my life... Sometimes I wonder what I saw for my life...

A huge part of me never thought I'd leave New Jersey... I had a boyfriend when I was in HS (All though HS it was very serious and honestly as much as I don't like to admit this, 10 years ago if you woulda asked me who I saw myself with it would have been him but it ended very VERY quickly when I met Josh... I had no doubt in my mind the day I met Josh that I was going to marry him and I broke up with Matt that very night but thats another story for another blog) and one of our big fights was that I wasn't ok with not living in NJ... That alone should show you how much I love Josh I not only left NJ but moved as far across the US as possible without crossing an ocean

I still have an issue with being far from Jersey but I'm dealing with it... I'm realizing home is where my husband is <3

That Ex I was talking about above, I just found out he got married and I didn't feel jealous or upset or anything except happy! I sent him an email and congratulated him and his new wife I'm truly happy for him and so glad he has found happiness and I hope they are as happy as Josh and I are :D

10 years ago I never saw myself married to a soldier... Honestly, I was completely against the war... Don't get me wrong, I wasn't against the military it's not like they woke up in the morning and were like "I think we should go invade a middle eastern country!" They did as they were told but I didn't believe in the war in Iraq...

10 years ago I was a totally different person and honestly at times I miss her... But during my time visiting WA I found pieces of her again and that makes me so happy




How far is too far?

So I haven't really talked about this topic much but I might as well do it now, I mean it's a huge part of what we have going on here...

Josh and I have been seriously talking about starting a family these past few months we both know we want children it's just as issue of is now the "right time" I mean we're 25, we are both pretty selfish and self involved... He likes to go hang at the VFW I like I stay up all night and sleep all day, we both like to take random trips where we just throw Guinness and the car and go and then there's all the issues of his health and the MEB and how that's going to effect our future... So basically were stuck :/

We know we're going to need help getting pregnant it's not something that's just going to happen for us like it does for most... Because of the side effects of his meds were going to have to carefully plan it all out and may need medications or possibly IUI or IVF... And that's where things get blurred for me...

How far is too far?

Do we want a child bad enough to have him skip his meds for a few days when I'm ovulating? What if that's not enough? Do I want to take medications that could cause multiplies? Do I want to give myself shot after shot of hormones which may or may not work or again could cause multiplies? Ethically am I ok with "playing God" with IVF? What do we do with the "left overs", what if I end up pregnant with 4, 5 or 6? Do we believe in selective abortion? Do we risk my health to attempt to carry them all and end up with a bunch of babies in the nicu who may or may not survive and if they do could have lasting health issues?

Do we want a child that badly?

And further more, do we want said child now?

I see all my friends getting pregnant and having children and part of me wants that too I spend time with their kids and sometimes want my own but other times I can't Stand them!

I know it's different when they are yours because you raise them how you want they listen to you but am I ready to give up my life as I know it for someone else?

Tomorrow we have a therapy appt and I think I'm gonna bring this topic up and see if the dr has any books she can recommend on the ethical side of this... I mean there's no right or wrong answer there it's all gonna come down to what we believe :/

So... How far is too far?

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Filter OFF!

So I'm sitting at the movies, alone, (I love going to movies alone and Josh hates scary movies so it works out great haah!) I'm waiting for MaMa to start but have 20 mins so I figured I'd write a bit about something that's really been bothering me lately...

It's NOT always PTSD! Not everyone who goes to war gets PTSD, no everyone who has nightmares has PTSD, not every soldier who comes home a little different has PTSD. If a dr has not diagnosed it then the person doesn't have it! Your NOT a dr!

Not every child who doesn't listen has "something medically wrong" with it... Some parents just don't parents, some kids are just bad! I find it shockingly hard to believe that as many kids "have problems" as parents claim it's like add of autism is like the new way to excuse your child's horrible behavior in public...

Not everyone has something wrong with them some people are just assholes some kids just don't listen some parents suck some men are faking to take advantage of the system some women just want to have a excuse to why her kid is screaming like monster in public

Here's something I have never told anyone I was diagnosed with Asburgers syndrome when I was 15. From 2nd grade on my mom took me to doctors searching for a "reason" for my behavior and every doctor has his or her own reason... Add, ADHD, odd, OCD, bi-polar, depression nos, mood disorder nos you name if I was diagnosed with it the final diagnosis being Asburgers when I was 15.

I have a lot of the symptoms but I don't fit into the "box" totally persay but as someone who has the diagnosis I can tell you it's no excuse for being an as in public!

My parents never let me run wild, they never let me scream and cry and melt down in public... If I had an "issue" they took me out of the store or where ever we were in seconds flat and either got me under control then went back or took me home because its noone else's problem that your kid is an ass!

My parents didn't expect special treatment or pity because I was a demon child HELL NO! They didn't let me get away with shit because I was "special" they forced me to become a functioning member of society! They didn't make excuses for me or try to play the EFMP card... My dad didn't stay home from work to "control" me my mom just handled it!

I was a VERY hard child ill be the first to admit that I was emotional, loud, pissy, and could be set off if you looked at me funny (after Josh got sick I went back emotionally to that age and behavior and Josh shut it down right fast!) my parents knew how to keep me in line and they did it... If you can't control your child KEEP THEM HOME noone else wants to hear your brat screaming I don't give a shit what you "say" is "wrong" with them it's no excuse! If I can control myself, if my parents can control me, then they can control themselves and their parents can control them!

I'm just so sick of hearing people talk about how their kids have problems... If your kids are all fucked up, STOP HAVING KIDS! If you can't keep your kids in control: KEEP THEM HOME!

Ok I'm done ranting my movie is gonna start I will write more about my medical issues later