Friday, December 4, 2015

Airborne Love Notes

It feels so good to be honest here... To be able to write again, to not be living in the shadows.

For so long I lived hidden. I hid his injuries, I hid his diagnosis, I his his infidelity, I hid our problems. I don't want to hide anymore.

I turned 28 this past week... So strange to think this time 7 years ago I was 21... I was young and full of life, planning my life with a man who I believed was my forever... And now here I am again in the same situation.

I can't promise that the boy is my forever, I'm older now, wiser... I know what I want and I'm not willing to settle but I know I'm happy.

While we are so similar in so many ways were also very different and only time will tell if those differences are too great... I won't over look those things again like I did will Josh...

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him... I do, every day... But I don't miss the man he is, I miss the man he was... The man only I'm mourning... It's an odd feeling to mourn someone who's standing in front of you... 


I haven't written much over the last year... Basically because I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth...

My marriage isn't perfect, my life isn't perfect... It's not even storm clouds it's a class 5 hurricane... A perfect storm. 

Josh and I are separated and while that hurts in ways I can never fully express to anyone it's like I can finally breathe.

I've been seeing someone for a bit and I see now what a real relationship is. It's love, partnership, friendship... It's normal...

He kisses away my fears, holds me close and makes me feel safe... I can sleep in his arms and relax fully against his chest without fear of an outburst...

He makes me laugh and smile and I feel alive with him.

He's not Josh and I don't expect him to be but he's everything I never knew I wanted... It's like a breath of fresh air... Like I've been under water and he's my first breath of oxygen... 

I never imagined my marriage would truly end but as I lay in bed next to this amazing loving caring supportive man I realize the end is only the beginning...

In the coming months my life will change again. The boy and I will be moving to California. I know it's the right move and I don't feel afraid like I expected to.

I feel excitement. It's like there's electric all around me and everything I touch shocks me. I'm shocked every time he touches me. I'm shocked by how gentle he is, how genuine, I'm shocked by his love and compassion... I'm shocked by the amount of support he gives me... How he can quiet all my fears with 1 kiss and how he can take away all my stress by pulling me in close.

I believe this is the start to my happily ever after. 

Wednesday, July 8, 2015


I wrote this months ago and never posted it...

In the last post I lied... I lied because it's what I wanted to believe, it's what I wished to be true... But in reality things are worse then ever...

He's uncontrollable... Violent, hateful, angry, nasty... A monster... 

I can't do this anymore... I can't live like this anymore and it would be wrong of anyone be it a doctor, a family member or a friend to expect me to! 

I shouldn't be truly fearful for my safety in my own home anytime he gets a little pissed... 

It's been SEVEN years since the original injury... SEVEN!!!! You'd think at some point in those 7 years some friggin dr would have found SOMETHING that works to control this monster!

I don't want this for me or the dogs or cat anymore... We all deserve better... We all deserve to feel safe and loved.

I did all I can for him, this is the end of the line.

Friday, April 3, 2015

The Sun is out again

2015. It's only April but already it's been the most life changing year of my life.

Josh has been retired a year, Ellen has been home for a year... My life is stable, my marriage solid, my family whole.

I'm finally coming into my own.. Granted about 7 years later then it should have happens but regardless Im happy. Im finally making up for lost time, finally doing the things I wanted and experiencing the world in the ways I should have in my early 20s.

Josh knows I gave up everything when he was injured and it means the world to me that he fully supports me taking it all back.

I'm back in school, traveling again, have a job I adore... Everything I had when we got married, everything I had at 21 that I thought I had lost forever is back only this time we're not poor college students were adults able to do adult things, afford adult things.

The future is finally bright again... We finally have a future again not just a dark clouded life... I can finally see the sun again.