The "before" time

Can I even remember my life "before"?

I was 19 when Josh was injured... When we got married at 21 shit hadn't hit the fans yet but it was most def brewing... I saw parts of it... I saw it starting... But I'd lie to myself... But that's not what this is about... This is about before...

Before Homecoming, Before the attack, before Sgt Harris was killed, before Josh deployed...

What was I like back then? Who was I? I don't remember who I was before our lives collapsed...  I'm sitting here really thinking hard and I'm drawing a blank... Wow this is scary...

I was in college full time and working two jobs while Josh was deployed the first time... Almost never home, almost never asleep... I would sleep on the floor next to the computer with the cell phone and speakers next to my head so if he called or logged on I'd wake up... We used to joke that my "tent" was nicer then his (I put a sleeping bag on the floor lol

I was in college for psychology... Pretty ironic eh? I was taking sociology, history of the middle easy, ceramics, and forensic science in the semester I was in when he came home from the first deployment...

I was working as a lifeguard at the YMCA and teaching swim lessons at a private club called "American Woman" 

I miss that version of myself... I miss being busy all the time, not having the time to sit down or to eat a gallon of ice cream and if I happened to find the time Id work it off in an hour the next day...

I feel like I was well on my way to being someone and then he got hurt and both of our lives changed forever...

I switched to online classes, I quit my jobs and moved to WA and took on my life full time as his care giver...

I wanna go back to real school... I miss being in a class room and interacting with "normal" people my own age...

I just recently signed up for college again ;) I need to go sign up for the classes :)

I used to like sneaking out of college class, driving my car to the shore with the windows down and the music turned up... Sun glasses on <3 

I used to love shopping alone to get surprise gifts for my family and being so proud I had worked and was able to buy these gifts on my own...

I used to love to swim... I'd have a bad day and after work dive in and do a 500 and it would totally clear my head... I can feel the water moving over my face right now just thinking about it...

I miss that version of myself...

Sometimes I wonder who Id be or what Id be like right now if Josh hadn't gotten hurt and on really bad days I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't married Josh at all...

I know I need to regain parts of who I was... I've lost every part of it all I am is a paranoid freak who baby sits her over grown man child of a husband :/ 

My goals are to go apply for at least 1 class, go over to the Y and sign up to use their pool again, and start reading again!

I wanna get that done before the end of the week!

Pink fuzzy pillows

So it's 12:30am... I'm laying on my wonderful new pillow :) it's pink and fuzzy and everything I love haha Josh surprised me with it the other day for while I'm recovering from surgery... One of the big issues I had after the last surgery was finding enough pillows around the house to keep my ankle elevated above my heart to keep the swelling down AND keep my head and neck positioned in a way that wasn't horridly uncomfortable so he got me this pillow! It's one of those ones you can lean up against and it helps you sit up :) very happy with it!!

 

So here I sit with my fuzzy pink pillow and  I'm again reminded that Josh isn't healthy... He's not cured... He'll never be cured... The symptoms may lesson and the mood swings may slow but he will never be the man he was before deployment...

He missed his meds this weekend and it was a sad reminder that I wasn't crazy... He was like a ticking time bomb all weekend... Totally unpredictable :/ I'm just glad we've gotten to a point where atleast we can sorta control it all... We can see the shit coming and can attempt to reign it in... Normally it doesn't work but atleast we don't fight as much as before... I see him getting funky and just walk away... We don't scream and yell and throw things anymore... I'm not sure if that's good or bad...

I don't have any fight left in me... I just lock myself in our bedroom and watch DVR til he pulls his head outta his ass... I uses to feel like I had to save him, like if I hold him tight enough, kiss him long enough, love him strong enough hell get better but I see now that isn't an option... It's not truth... It won't work.

This is the one time where love just isn't enough because if it was he'd be safe as healthy and whole... He wouldn't be suffering like he is... 

When he skips his meds, his nightmares are far worse then any other time... Right now I have him sleeping on my chest I'm typing with one hand and rubbing his head with the other... He's already woken up twice tonight scream and crying but I don't think he really "woke up" and thankfully he won't remember any of this in the morning... But I will...

He almost never remembers his "bad days" or "bad nights" and I just let that be.. No reason for him to remember what I remember...

I spoke to this therapist last week about how I feel he needs to feel more "needed" at work... I mean think about it he has more combat experience then anyone in that company and they have him sitting at a computer twiddling his thumbs instead of sharing that knowledge with other soldiers... She agreed with me and promised to speak with the commander... She kept her promise and tomorrow when they do land nav Josh is going to be teaching parts of it... I'm excited for him but then again I wish it was any other day... He's having such a bad night sleep wise I can see it either making him happy as hell or being the straw that breaks him for the whole week...

Fingers crossed that it ends well... I seriously don't have it in me to fight this week...

I seriously need to work on some real story telling blogs... More explaining the before time if I keep talking about it, it won't hurt as bad ya know?

That's my goal for tomorrow :) but til then I'm gonna close my eyes and cuddle with the love of my life <3

2am and she calls me...

It's 2:45am... I haven't written in a while... Not that I haven't wanted to I just haven't known what to say... I have been reading a lot about the stages of grief:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining 

Depression

Acceptance

What stage am I at? It's been a year and a half and most of the time I'm ok now... I'm far more ok then I thought I'd ever be again but I'm by no means the person I was before... 

Living with someone with severe PTSD changes you... You take on their symptoms, their fears become your fears, their doubts become yours...

Just because I'm not scared of IEDs in the street or convinced the 7-11 guy is Taliban doesn't mean I'm not just as scarred as he is now... I'm scared that he is going to vanish... Any time he doesn't answer his phone or is late coming home I convince myself they took him again... Sometimes I'm so scared I can't breathe or see straight...

It's been happening more frequently lately... I'm noticing a pattern... When he misses his meds he gets wild and when he gets wild, I get paranoid... 

I don't like it.

I made a therapy appt for the 17th... I think a big part of what's going on is its been long enough now is that I'm starting to remember more and more...

The other day I had to go to Belvoir to pick up my MRI CD for Dr Cooper... My chest tightened as soon as I walked into the building... I hate that hospital so much... It was so weird I could see myself there that day... I could see myself standing there... Alone, scared, heartbroken, just plain broken... I could remember looking out of the office in the the general lobby and I kept expecting to see Josh walk in or see him sitting somewhere... The common sense side of me knew that wasn't going to happen but the totally illogical part of me still expected... Like I was going to wake up and it was all a dream... The only other time I've felt like that was after my first car accident when I was 17... I kept looking at the car and thinking "No way this isn't real... This can't be real... This didn't just happen"

I couldn't form full sentences, I couldn't think I could barely breathe... 

That day broke me worse the both times he deployed, more then watching him leave after r&r... More then anything else ever did... It changed me... 

That's all I can think about lately and I really need to stop... 

So it's now 3:15am... Do I keep writing? Haha why not!

So last weekend was a freakin nightmare... I shoulda saw it coming but I felt like being "nice" someone PLEASE remind me the next time I feel like being nice... DON'T!

The shit show started on Tues... You know your gonna have a shitty weekend when it's TUESDAY and the shit has already started haha

So Josh called me on Tues around noon and was like "I need a huge favor" oh fantastic "can Marissa stay with us for a few days?" Little back story I *hate* Marissa not just a little either lol she makes me crazy! She was a friend of his at Ft Lewis before we got married, she lost her legs in Iraq, and for ONCE she is the perfect example of a bad thing happening to a bad person. She is a very very bad person.

But Josh had me stuck he had told her "let me ask Sher" then called me... Which basically put me in the if I say no I'm the ass position so of course I said yes...

I expected her to come on Friday because her event in the city was on Sat... Oh no no no that bitch showed up 6 hours later.Fuck.

She has this habit of playing Josh and I against each other and making us fight and We can fight enough on our own we don't need her help!

So I put up with her nasty comments, bitchy behavior and condescending tone of voice til Friday. On Friday I lost my shit.

I had told her weeks earlier that we had the Army Birthday Ball on Friday at 6... Long story short at 7:30 we were still waiting for her to get ready because she's a selfish self centered cunt who thinks and cares about noone and nothing besides herself! 

The straw that broke the camel's back for me was that after making us an hour and a half late HER DRESS DIDN'T FIT not just a little tight oh no no no Im talking not even effing close like she hasn't tried this thing on in months!

I know it sounds petty but add that to all the shit she had done all month and I was DONE so I told her to get her shit and get the fuck outta my house... I had to call the cops to get that psycho bitch to leave! Who in their right mind locks themselves in someone else's bedroom?! She really believed the cop was going to take her side LOL I was like hey nut job! I OWN this house YOU were asked to leave they're gonna make ya! 

God I hate stupid.

Oh! In other news I'm having my left ankle surgery on July 11th :/ 1 month from now ill be casted up to my knee YAY! Not! 

But alright I better at least try to sleep ill write more soon :) night!