Saturday, April 27, 2013

Writing part B day 1 part 1

Discribe a moment of small but significant change:

I was sitting in an orthopedic surgeon's office with my ankle up on the table. My parents were sitting in chairs near by, there was dead silence. The dr walked in and didn't say a word at first he just put my x-ray onto the light box, turned it on and looked at me. He didn't need to say anything his eyes gave it away, I hope he doesn't play poker.

"Sherie, I'm so sorry but this is your 4th fracture of the same bone in 3 years that shouldn't be happening. After a bone breaks there should be a calcium deposit what prevents the bone from breaking again, clearly that isn't happening for you. I know your a swimmer and I know your training for the nationals team but I'm so sorry you can't compete anymore."

I laughed. I was 15 and he was telling me everything I had trained for since I was 5 was going to be taken away because of an ankle fracture... A fracture that I had been swimming though and just "dealing with" a fracture that I numbed with pain meds and the mind set that if I didn't think about it while swimming it wouldn't hurt I'd just deal with the swelling later. He was nuts if he thought I was going to stop... mom and dad wouldnt do that to me... I looked to them like "ok! Now is when you speak up and say sorry we need a second opinion" but they avoided my eyes... They had already talked to the dr. They knew this before I was ever brought to his office. Their minds were made up.

I fought back years refusing the cry in front of this man who was taking my whole life from me I wouldn't give him that power...

"Swimming is low impact! This makes no sense! There's no reason you should wan me to stop doing something that is good for me!" I said though gritted teeth afraid if I opened my mouth to speak, all that would come out would be sobs

"But it's not good for you" he began "every time you dive, every time you get on the block and put all your body weight on the your medatarcles to start a race, every time you flip turn you cause damage, small fractures to form, tendons to tear, and as each happen you prevent the old ones from healing if you don't stop swimming soon you won't be able to walk"

At 15 this made no sense to me. Why wasn't I allowed to make this choice... I'd pick swimming over walking! But the choice was not mine... The choice was already made... In that 20 mins appt I went from training for the nationals swim team to a girl on crutches with an ankle brace who wasn't allow to walk barefoot anymore... I had fought though the prior injuries but I realized this time things had gone too far... It was over.

Family bonding <3

My fur babies are getting along great I'm so glad they are quickly becoming best friends :)

How lucky did we get that we brought a 1 year old cat home and he bonded with a 4 year old dog who's used to being an only child?! Both my babies are currently sound asleep at the end of the bed and as soon as Greys is over I'm gonna join them :) feeling VERY blessed right now :)

Friday, April 26, 2013

Greetings from my little purple space ship

So I'm back in NYC (YAY!) I was really seriously debating if I wanted to come back and all my thoughts kept going to if I don't ill never forgive myself so I did and boy am I glad!

I've had an exciting few days honestly... I'm sure many of you remember me talking about "Nikki" the woman who was my best friend... Well I called her the other night... Not having her in my life was making me sick and it was like nothing ever happened we just picked back up :) I don't know if well ever be that close again but I know I have my friend back and that's huge to me...

So far in NYC nothing too big has happened... I already took my sleep meds because I have to be up dressed and downstairs before 8am (um EW!!) they have really cool body wash here though one is called "get up" and the other is "get down" as you can guess one wakes you up and one puts you to sleep... The sleep one most def works! I'm hoping the wake up does too hehe well find out in the morning!

I walked around for a bit with some of my WWP girlfriends now I'm relaxing in my hotel room reading and waiting for Glenna to get here...

I'm not sure what I wanna work on tomorrow... Part of me wants to work on the book but another part of me wants to work on something totally outside of his illness just something creative :/

I dunno...

Ill be updating tomorrow as I go though so you'll know as soon as I do!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

I guess I'm a heartless bitch :/

The women at Ft Myer act like I'm satan.

I've been with Josh almost 7 years, married almost 5 years... I've changed, Josh has changed, our marriage has changed...

When he went on his first TDY of our marriage, which was K9 school in March of 2009, I clung to him like white on rice for 72 hours leading up to him leaving... Like psycho clingy nut job status! I wouldn't let him outta my sight, took about 500 pictures like there was a chance that I'd forget what he looks like or that he may not come back from big scary San Antonio TX... Or like I wasn't gonna be down there with him in like 2 weeks...

When he left I cried like a little bitch... Full blown pity party... One of my best friends (who will remain nameless for her protection lol) ended up slipping sleeping meds into my soda so Id shut up and sleep LOL

That was 4 years and a deployment ago (we were not married when he deployed the first time)

Tomorrow I am going away for 4 days to NYC... Am I up his ass? Nope! I'm currently sitting in our car in front of a bar where he is doing stand up comedy... I went in, saw him perform, now I'm in the car listening to music while he enjoys time with his friends... No stress, no tears, no photo gallery just I love you Ill miss you Feed the animals don't forget to clean Jameson's litter box see you Monday :)

Cool, calm, normal!

I've realized in the past 5 years for this to work we have to be 2 separate people who work together not 2 people who are attached at the hip and unable to think for themselves!

If there was 1 thing I wish I could teach the new wives I meet its that just because I don't say it all the time doesn't mean I don't love Josh and miss him I've just realized all the years in the world won't bring him back TRUST ME I tried!

You have to have your own life and be able to function on your own in this type of situation you can't depend on your husband for everything because sooner or later he isn't going to be there to fall back on!

I'm not a heartless bitch, I'm not an unloving wife, I'm just realistic :/

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Countdown is ON!

So my friend Stephaine had a pretty awesome idea... Her, my friend Rachel from Ft Lewis (she was K9 with Josh) and myself are going to Disney for a week in 1 month... YAYNESS!

One month from today I'll be at the Happiest Place On Earth with the girls :)

We're gonna be staying at Shades of Green on property so that we don't have to worry about driving once we get there :)

I'm looking forward to drinks in Epcot, pictures at the Magic Kingdom, water slides at Typhoon Lagoon, dancing AT&T night at Downtown Disney, and massages at the hotel's spa!

All with ladies who love Disney as much as me! I've never gone on a girls only trip so I'm crazy excited about it!!

Ready, Set, Don't Go

So today I was forced to take a very big step and realized I was in no way, shape or form prepared for it... So Josh has an eye infection from his contacts so he isn't allowed to drive (tech, I shouldn't be either being that my foot is broken but whatever at least I can see lol) so I took Josh to the dr today on Ft Myer... Rader Clinic... The place where my whole nightmare began...

It was awful. I mean nothing "really" happened but I was on edge the whole time... Chewing my nails, tapping my foot, wouldn't let Josh out of my sight for even a second... I was ready to puke and felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest... It was a nightmare!

I'm by no means even remotely close to being ok with Ft Myer, the events of 2011, or the medical care provided at that hell hole of a clinic...

Guess I'm not as far past everything as I thought I was :/ I really thought maybe I'd be ok but nope...

It's not so much anger any more as it is fear... I'm scared to death of ending up like we were... I'm scared to death of having to go though that again I just don't have the energy in me to do it again...I'm not strong enough...

And more then fear, it's embarrassment... These people think I'm an awful person, they think I abuse my husband and scream and throw fits for no reason none of them see how he was behaving... No one sees why I was like that...

Im gonna try something right now... It's 2:51am and I'm gonna attempt to finish writing this, write 1 more quick post a d then go to sleep... I wanna see if I can pull myself outta this funk I'm in... I'm right on the edge of a panic attack and I'm not gonna let it happen! I am stronger then this, I'm in control, Josh is sound asleep Laying next to me, Guinness and Jameson are at our feet... Our family is whole and safe and together and happy...

Monday, April 8, 2013

Hairline fracture

So it happened again... I knew it was just a matter of time but I didn't think it would be so soon :/

My foot broke again...

It's a hairline fracture in the same place it always is ugh ;( the difference this time is normally when it breaks its because my ankle rolls but this time I jammed it... That scares me...

I can't help but be scared I feel like there has to be something wrong with my foot there's no way it's normal to have a bone that breaks this easily :/

I have to make an appt with my ortho surgeon to see if he has any ideas because I'm totally fed up with this shit I can't live like this! I've broken it so many times that it doesn't even "feel" broke anymore I mean it hurts but it's not unbearable I am still wearing shoes and walking and driving and going to the gym...

I dunno I'm looking down at my foot right now and the color of my toes is scaring me they're VERY swollen and black and blue... I dunno maybe Dr Cooper will have an idea or something we can do to protect this bone from future breaks...

I'm gonna head to bed now its been a long night

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Please spread the word!

This is the story of how my friend's daughter died... please i beg of each and every one of you share it with everyone to know to hopefully protect other families and children from this happening again!! This virus originated as genital herpes. When the infected woman (not my friend, her sister in law) decided to give birth to her daughter at home with an uneducated midwife she chose to give her daughter the herpes simplex virus. To most it's not life threatening but affects the child for their entire life. What mother would ever choose that?? Well this one did twice!! She, the child mentioned above and her father came to visit. During an outbreak it IS transferable through saliva, her daughter was swapping pacifiers with my friends daughter. Within 24 hours of showing up she had symptoms. If she had disclaimed the possibility of the virus we could have saved her. Instead we ran test after test, as she sat in our home researching whether or not it was her virus. She is a coward.
My friends daughter contracted viral encephalytis. It was caused as a direct result of being exposed to the Herpes virus. She was almost 4 months old. She was born healthy and was the most beautiful happy baby. She began having seizures and was taken to the emergency room at Madigan Hospital on Fort Lewis. Her parents were asked if she had been exposed to the virus because of a spot on her cheek of course they said no because neither of them had it and they had no idea the sister in law or her baby did. had they known this the hospital could have treated their beautiful daughter and saved her! She was transferred to Mary Bridge Children's Hospital in Tacoma where she was diagnosed and treated for 30 days to control the seizures and fight the virus. She fought. But the devastating illness destroyed her brain. When the baby was released from the hospital she only had 5% brain function left... Just enough to eat, drink, swallow and breathe. This little girl was PERFECT she was loved and beautiful and when I think of what an angel looks like her face is what comes to mind... At the request of my friend I beg of you to TRUST NOONE not your family, not your friends, not even other children don't let your kids share bottle or pacifiers don't share anything that goes in their mouth... Had this sister in law spoken up this little girl would be alive today... I personally think there is a special place in hell for people who let children suffer and die!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Butterfly effect

So I'm watching this lifetime movie about a teenage girl who's dating this total ass but is convinced she loves him just like all teens are... Totally blind to what is really going on convinced they are in love blah blah blah and I started thinking about what I was like as a teen... About the choices I made and the men I dated and the risks I took...

My whole life could be different right now had simple little things been different... I wonder how I ended up on the path I did... I'm glad I did because I adore my husband and love my life but I wonder how... I was far from the best at making logical choices in HS haha I acted on impulse, I thought with my heart not my head...

I hope one day when I have a daughter I can tell her about what I went though and keep her from having to go though the same heartaches... There is no pain quite like a broken heart and no love quite like your first... But I learned one very important thing all the heartache and tears were just preparing me to find Josh... I mean it has to rain for their to be a rainbow right?