Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Taking the long way

So it's been a while since I've written here... Lately the things I've been thinking and feeling are just not appropriate to post publicly (then the courts can throw around words like "premeditated" haha just kidding :) so I've been writing in my paper diary like a 15 year old girl ;)

I'm started to get excited about the book because I can publish all the things I can't write here without fear of jail time

Things have been good... I went on my first girls only trip a few weeks ago and it went great for the most part... Expect for my ankle...

I fell on the last day of the trip and rolled my GOOD ankle ugh! I have an appt with Dr Cooper (the surgeon) next Tues because all the ligaments are torn and he needs to sew them back together... Also because the cyst that was in my right ankle is back so YAY for more ankle surgery!

Things with Josh got a little wild this past weekend, but I'm not shocked at all it was Memorial Day Weekend so I kinda saw it coming and was prepared... Memorial Day is the only 4 day weekend the Army gives that I have zero expectations for... I don't even waste my time planning shit anymore because I know it won't happen haha no random rides to Bass pro shop with Guinness, no surprise trips to visit family in Jersey, no crazy sex all weekend nope... Just pouting, crying, and Fred.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate Fred?

This last weekend was a nightmare... Not only was it Memorial Day Weekend, oh no... He also forgot his meds... Which as you can imagine was just the recipe for the best weekend ever... NOT!

Friday we went to my PCM appt to get the MRI referral he was already pissy... He pouted and after eating lunch we came home and he went to sleep Til about 8pm when I forced him to get up and against my better judgement dropped him off at the VFW hoping being around other vets would snap him outta his funk (it did for that night but that coulda just been the whiskey talking!)

On Sat we went to our friends Joe and Danielle's for a small BBQ... We didn't stay long, he was crabby I was in pain and I had dinner reservations with Wounded Warrior Wives at 7... I don't think I'm gonna go to those dinners anymore they just make me angry... It drives me up the walls to see the "system" working for everyone but us...

On Sunday I honestly can't remember what we did (lol) which tells me we more then likely slept in then spent the day in bed watching tv with the fur babies...

And finally on Monday we spent the whole day avoiding what holiday it was and Josh finally got to working on the lawn mower I was really proud of him... He looked up how to fix it on YouTube and did it! We also went and walked around Lowes for a while and found the backsplash were going to buy for the kitchen on Friday... I'm REALLY excited about that!!

So that is the "good" of our weekend the bad was that he was off his meds which means every so often he'd have a full blown breakdown over something as simple as going to throw something into the garbage and missing the can...

I hate when he misses his meds because I know how out of control it makes him feel and it kills me to see him in that kind of emotional pain and know there is nothing I can do but at the same time it helps me because when he's medicated and functioning normally I begin to second guess myself... I start to wonder if things were as bad as I thought they were or if I was just over reacting, I question if I made the right choice or if I jumped the gun... When he skips his meds for 3+ days I see the person he was before his hospitalization again and I realize I wasn't over reacting at all...

A huge difference now though is that I refuse to engage him when he's unmediated... I won't fight back, I don't expect anything out of him, I don't get shocked when he says he's going to do something then doesn't... I just tell him to come talk to me when he's back in control... I also try to keep him in the house as much as possible when he's off his meds noone else should have to deal with him in a state that I refuse to deal with him in ya know?

Well it's 6:30am and I should really get to sleep finally haha I'm gonna write a bit later about our plans for the kitchen this weekend and about my surgery plans :)

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Nothing good ever happens after 2am

I've been dying to make that a blog title for weeks haha it's one of my fave quotes from How I met your mother and FINALLY it's 2am and I'm calm and happy enough to use it YAY!

So I got back from the NY writing retreat last Monday and I haven't really had a lot to say... I had a lot of blog ideas but I just haven't been in the mood to write :/ not sure why I haven't been in a "bad" mood just blah-ish if that makes any sense at all

Some blogs I plan to write in the coming days/weeks are:

1. Who I am and what I've lost to his illness

2. What I miss about the "before" time

3. How I'm adjusting to the "new normal"

And I dunno I have a whole list written in my note book but I'm way too lazy to get up and find it hahaha

Things have been really good between Josh and I... No fighting at all and we're finally able to talk about serious issues that 6 months or a year ago had we sat down and tried to talk about we woulda ended up at each others throats... We talked about the future, our marriage and if kids are in the cards for us...

We decided to go ahead with the infertility testing I had to change the dates because the tests are set up around my cycle and last month it didn't work out :/ they're now tested for May 22nd well see! Fingers crossed that it all works out this time...

We also decided we don't want to go any further then the tests right now... We decided we just want to know if anything is wrong, if nothing is wrong then we can take our time and do the things we want to do before strapping ourselves down with kids...

Don't get me wrong I want a child but I also want to see Europe and take another wild spur of the moment Jamaica trip and I wanna finish my degree... So many things that having a kid will make very hard if not impossible...

Speaking of my degree Josh and I are going to sign up for classes as soon as I get back from FL next week PRETTY EXCITED!!!

Alrighty I'm gonna head to bed... Lots to do to get ready for the trip tomorrow... Night!!