Monday, October 29, 2012

No urge

I don't want to write... I don't want to do anything... Right now I just want to cry but I don't know why... I just want it all to stop... I just want the stress and anger gone... I keep thinking "I just want to go home" but I look around and I'm in my own house but this doesn't feel like home...

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Midnight Lunesta rambles :D

I have had an amazing trip I know I see in my last posts that I didn't but I have I just hope that next time some people stay far far away from me ahha Wow I was really hoping to write a lot more but I'm like half asleep already BOO!! I'm going to save this tonight and let the laptop charge so I can write while on the plane Talk then!

Writing retreat day 2 part 2

Day 2 part 2

The Writers Market~~Book about how to publish a book

Exercise #2 you’re going out for errands, Describe Sightsmell sound touch taste

I was walking away from the hospital it was like 1000lb hadbeen lifted off me He was safe and alive and he loved me and nothing bad wasgoing to happen. I slid into the truck, the seats were freezing against myexposed arms what was I thinking wearing a short sleeve shirt this time of yearand I quickly pulled the door shut and put the key into the ignition it waslike I couldn’t get the heat on fast enough. I put my head back against therest and took a few deep breathes so relieved that I was able to see him,smiling to myself as I looked down at the paper in my hand. It was withoutquestion the oddest birthday card I had ever received saying simply “Happy 24thBirthday!! I love you more then the Army! Please go to Walmart and get me thefollowing” What a very “Josh” note I love you I need Get me. Even on mybirthday after all I had been though somehow It still goes back to him. Onlychild syndrome never goes away and just gets worse with age I guess! Finallythe car was warmed up enough that I could leave and I flipped on the GPSsearching for the nearest walmart in and was shocked to find that there was one1.1 miles away I looked around and couldn’t fathom where a walmart would justsprout up in the middle of the forest that surrounded the parking lot I wassitting in, but then again who would expect a psychiatric hospital to be there?The sound of TomTom yelling at me blared loud though the speakers and I jumped,startled by how the sound broke the silence. As I drove the steering wheelburned my hands it was so cold it felt like I was being stabbed and I cursedmyself for forgetting my gloves in Jersey. I could still taste the cupcake hisnurse had given me. He told her that I would be visiting on my birthday and hefelt bad he couldn’t go out to get me a cake or gift so she brought me acupcake and broke all the rules by allowing a lit candle on the ward. I wasglad he was at the hospital he was at they were helping him and I felt  sure that they would take care of him. Forthe first time in a long time it didn’t kill me to drive away from him I knewhe was safe. I got to walmart and started to wander around I had a few hours tokill before bed and his list wasn’t that long, I ended up picking him up a fewother nick nakes and some snacks I knew he would love but had forgotten to listand again was hit with the irony that here I was shopping for gifts for him onmy birthday! The store had just put out its Christmas displays and I was overcome by the smells of Christmas…. Gingerbread, sugar cookie, pine trees… and ittook everything I had not to cry… The Christmas before I had been alone, he wasin Afghanistan and this Christmas he was in a Psych ward… Fan Freakin’ Tasic… Iquickly wiped away my tears and grabbed a small pre lit tree and smiled as Irealized regardless of where we were it would still be better than last yearbecause we’d be together. Far from perfect, Far from Normal, But mostdefinitely Better.

I’m getting annoyed again everything is going back to kidsand the same woman who they were paying all the attention to yesterday… Shealways seems to get the most time and its really annoying she just talks aboutthe same thing over and over and over 45 mins and we leave for dinner then Ibelieve we have free time… I wonder what dinner is going to be tonight lastnight it was amazing we went to Southern Hospitality

Assignment #3
Subject: New Mother
Setting: Wedding
Time: After a flight
Challenge: Something embarrassing has just happened
Jenna walked into the reception with red circles around hereyes it was clear she had been crying and beneath the red was black. She hadn’tslept in days and now she was fighting with her husband because he wouldn’ttake the baby long enough for her to get dressed.  The result was spit up all over the front ofher dress, it took her an extra 30 mins to clean up the mess and get out thedoor to the wedding now he was standing next to her but honestly she wanted himnowhere near her. As she walked in she noticed people were staring at her andshe couldn’t figure out why she looked in the mirror and she looked ok… Didn’tshe? Finally her sister walked up to her and said “Um did you look down beforeyou left the house” and Jenna replied “no why? Should I have?” “Um yeah” hersister said looking at her like she was nuts “Unless you planned to wear acocktail dress with fuzzy blue slippers! Jenna stood in shock and couldn’tbelieve what she had done in her sleep deprived state. Her husband came overlooking to redeem himself and offered to run down the street and get her a pairof flip flops it worked.

Writing retreat Day 2 Part 1

Day 2 part 1

I don’t like silence. I used to love it. There was a timenot long ago when I would happily sit in a room all alone with a good book andnot a sound to be heard, where I would seek out the quietest place I could findand lock myself away there, now it scares me. My monsters live in the silence, they take over anytime the TV goes offor the music stops or during any break in conversation.  I feel like I’m reliving what happened everytimeI’m alone, I used to love to sleep in the dark but now I have to have the TV onor the silence makes it so no sleep can come. I go out of my way to avoid it and sadly I think this is how my life isgoing to be for a while.

I knew something was wrong as soon as I woke up. I felt itand I knew that something awful was about to happen. He had texted me at about7:30am to tell me he was going to a doctor appointment and now here I was at1pm and hadn’t heard anything else, That wasn’t like him.

I can’t do this.

I can’t write that story just those 3 simple lines almostput me into a panic attack! I had to walk out of the room and take a breathoutside… I want Josh… I don’t like that I can’t get ahold of him right now Idon’t like that hes playing around on FB but can’t text me or call me back

He just called and we fought as normal We get stressed and fight

Hes at work but I need him… I always feel like hes alwayswith them when I need him… I need him!

I feel like I can’t sit here and listen to this woman whineeven more today Josh is really sick my life is really falling apart I’m just sosick of it I’m so sick of being stuck in this room with this woman complaininglike her bullshit matters THE KID WAS NEVER A MARINE!

Lets try again. I have to do this. I have to get past thisand if I don’t do it now I never will.

Driving back to the hospital the first time

I have to get home. I kept saying that over and over andover to myself. It was snowing but I had to get home I had no choice I had tobe there and I couldn’t move fast enough the truck wouldn’t move fast enough. Guinnesswas sitting on the passenger seat, looking at me as if asking if I knew what Iwas doing. I didn’t. I was on auto pilot I just had to get home. Josh hadcalled not long before telling me he needed me and he was sorry and begging meto come home I was in the car 20 minutes later. My feet were soaked and so coldI could barely feel them even with the heat on full blast. It had taken meabout 15 minutes just to get the snow off the truck enough to get moving andthe only shoes I had brought were cloth flats that were iced over from the snowI was standing in moments earlier. I kept hearing his voice telling me heneeded me and that drove me forward. My knuckles were white gripping thesteering wheel eyes set straight ahead I had to get there but I had to do itsafely for myself and for Guinness. I tried to get on to Rt 27 to get onto theturnpike and there was a cop t the road they had shut down Rt 27 due to thesnow and black ice he took me to go around and get on the turnpike Via Rt 1 andthe parkway. FUCK that’s going to add atleast an hour to my trip, an hour Ididn’t have to waste.

I kept driving… music on to block out my thoughts and keepme awake. I’ve been awake for days I can’t fall asleep I can’t breathe I can’trelax I need him.  I have to gethome.  He calls me and we talk calmlyabout how I’m driving back and the weather is awful and I’m scared.  I’ve never driven in snow like this but Idon’t have a choice I have no choices I have to get home. 

Finally I saw an end in sight as I got out of New Jersey Isaw the snow was beginning to slow and turn to rain Rain I could handle I candrive in rain no issue Rain doesn’t scare me We had just moved from WashingtonState where it rained every day I was thankful for the rain it felt cleansing.

I was so tired by the time I got home that I couldn’t figureout where my house went and it took me about 5 mins of driving up and down thestreet to realize I had turn down the wrong road.

But I made it. The 4 hour drive took me 9 hours and for thefirst time in 3 days I crawled into bed and was able to sleep because I knew in12 hours I’d be with him. I had to see him and see for myself that he was ok.

Writing exercise #1

Picture a snapshot from your childhood. Write down all thedetails you can write down everything you can what were you like

I was 15 and we were on vacation in Las Vegas. I didn’t wantto be there even then I didn’t see the point of bringing children to Vegas itwasn’t like we could do anything! My brothers Jimmy (12) and Robby (5), myparents and my grandparents. On this day we drove about 30 minutes north of thecity into Red Rock Canyon.  This was thefirst time I had ever seen mountains like that, the first time I had ever beenon the west coast and even though I didn’t know it at the time the closest Icame as a child to meeting my future husband. We later found out Josh wasstaying with his mom at the same hotel my family was staying at that week.  As we drove to the canyon I couldn’t get overhow beautiful it was and how annoyed I was that my cell phone wasn’t gettingservice preventing me from calling my best friend Travis I was used to talkingto him all day every day so not being able to was rather stressful for me.  I was wearing blue jeans and a black and pinkshirt that said Drama Queen all over it in sparkly words. I thought I lookedcool but looking back I feel the shirt made me look much younger then my trueage.  My hair was short, I had just cut15 inches off to donate to locks of love so my normally long flowing hair wascut into a short bob. My brothers were laughing next to me and my parents askedus to all pose together under a rock to get a picture for that years Christmascard. I had to hold Robby tight to make him stay still long enough to snap thephoto. I can hear my grandpa talking to me as he took the picture and lookingback its funny that he was the one to take this photo because years later thiswould be the picture that was placed beside him in his coffin. That was thelast vacation we took with my grandparents as a family and that day is the lastvideo I have of my grandfather on film. Anytime I see this picture I think ofhim and how much fun we had and how later that day he bought me the mostbeautiful blue turquoise earring that I wore in memory of him on my weddingday. 

Writing retreat Day 1 Homework

Our homework was to get VERY detailed about one story, I wanted to write about the hospital but I knew I would get very emotional and I was writing this late at night sooooo I chose Homecoming instead which clearly was a much happier time for us... a time before either of us knew how bad things were going to get... I miss that time...

I stayed up all night waiting for the call and long into the day.  I knew he was leaving Kuwait at 9pm his time but had no idea where he was stopping or for how long, all I knew was that some time in the next few hours my phone would ring and it wouldn’t show a 011 number or just a simple number 4 it would play “Irresistible” and <3 Josh <3 with a picture of him would show up on the screen. In a matter of a few hours he would be in the US and not long after that standing in front of me.

By the time he called I had been up for 36 hours and waiting by the phone like a psycho.  It was one of the most exciting moments of my life; I had waited 15 long months for that call. I was so excited I almost didn’t pick it up in time! When I finally calmed down enough to answer all I could do was squeal like a 5 year old into the phone and scream “WELCOME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He was not pleased with that hehe :D

Once I got all the squeaking out of my system he explained to me he still had to contact the Air Force to set up a flight from McGuirehe  AFB NJ back to Ft Lewis WA and we weren’t sure if he was going to fly into McChord AFB or into Sea Tac air port just yet.

Just our luck, he landed 15 mins after the Air Force left for a 4 day weekend for Easter so he was stuck in NJ for 4 days but it was ok I knew then that when that weekend ended he would be home and I really wanted to believe that he was safe and our lives would just pick up, I still believe that on some level even then I knew that wasn’t going to be the case.

He called me early in the morning on Monday and told me that he was able to get a flight and would be landing in SeaTac at 6pm then said the 4 most beautiful words any military wife could ever wish to hear “Baby I’m coming home” when we got off the phone I danced around the bedroom in slippers singing “MY HUSBANDS COMING HOME” into a hair brush.
I found out I was going to ride to the airport with his unit to pick him up and was told to be at the Kennels at 4pm ready to go, I was there at 3:30 jumping up and down.

We stopped at Taco Bell on the way to the airport, Josh said he wouldn’t speak to me unless I had a taco when he got off the plane.  We also stopped at the grocery store and I picked up one of those pre cooked Prime Rib steaks, Before he left I swore to his dog that if she got him home safe I’d greet her at the airport with Prime Rib she held up her end of the deal so I held up mine.

Finally we made it to SeaTac and the airport was kind enough to let me go though to the gate to meet him as soon as he got off the flight I stood by the gate shaking this was the moment I had waited 15 months for it was all leading up to this.  I had this whole image of Homecoming in my mind and saw myself running to him and jumping into his arms and holding him tight… What I forgot about in that vision was the 60lb Lab who he was bringing with him and who got very upset when I ran at him.  She ran between us and instead of hugging him I went face first into his chest as she tripped me!

As he caught me I looked up and saw he was really there that I was really touching him and for the first time in 15 months I was able to breathe

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Writing retreat Day 1 Part 2

(After lunch, Day 1 part 2)

**Read Deep Survival
Writing exercise:
Imagine yourself looking out the living room window of yourhouse describe everything you see, in about 15 mins a 2nd character walks into the room describe himor her they looke you in the eye  andsays something

I was sitting in the living room on the couch drinking a cupof tea wrapped up in a blanket. Normally I have music on or am watching TV buttoday it was quiet  and I was looking outthe window. I was watching as the leaves that not but a few days ago were greennow change to orange and yellows and fall to the ground slowly each time thewind blew. I watched as the kids across the street played in their front yardyelling loudly and laughing at each other I wondered what they were playing andwhat they were pretending to be.  Ithought to myself “We really need to get a land scaper” as I looked at the oncealive flower beds now full of dead plants and weeds I’ll make a call about thattomorrow I thought but today I just want to sip my tea.

After a while Josh walked into the room, he had just gottenback from getting his hair cut like he did every Sunday and I was struck by how“Soldier-ish” he looked. His hair cut into the mandatory High skin fade,wearing the black and white argial sweater I bought for him last year for ourChristmas pictures, pictures that were never taken.  I hate that sweater.  He has hazel eyes and today I was happy tosee they were green which meant he was in a good mood and he was smiling as hewaved a cell phone excitedly in my face “LOOK!!!!!” he yelled like a 5 year oldon Christmas morning “RISE AGAINST IS PLAYING A SHOW!! THEY NEVER PLAYANYWHERE!!” Wow. That was much more animated then I expected to say the leastand it snapped me out of my day dream about the leaves and back into the realworld I had to squeeze my eyes shut for a second to be able to focus on himproperly “Um Ok… Where are they playing” I asked calmly scared to death he wasgoing to tell me in like Germany or something wild “DISNEY WORLD! At DowntownDisney!!” was his answer, well that I could work with! He went on to explainthat it was on Nov 30th and that he wanted to take me to see thelights at the Magic Kingdom to make up for how awful last Christmas was hewanted so badly to give me back the Christmas I had missed last year That I personally still feel he took from me Hetook my hand smiling and said “Lets go! Just book the tickets! Lets just GO!”and I did :D

I’m not gonna lie being in this group is seriously pissingme off…. I’m so tired and I just want to go to sleep so badly but I know wehave hours of writing and activities ahead of us (Its currently 2:30pm and theysaid we’ll be going til about 8:30) I think I’m gonna chug a 5hour energy andhope for the best ahha

 OMG it tastes awfulAHHHH Its supposed to be pink lemonade and its so not GAG!!! Ahhh I’m trying toswallow enough water to get the taste outta my mouth and its not working
I’m so excited to turn this into a book I can already see mybook in my head I can see the cover I can see people buying it and I want it! Iwant the book to be real I want it in my hends instead of in my head

***Contact publishing companies

JESUS These women are still talking about their fucking kidsSHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just talk about the illness and the injuries I don’twant to hear about kids!!!!!!

I’m missing Josh a lot right now I can feel him next to mebut I know he’s know it’s the weirdest thing being away from him makes me feellike he’s deployed again I saw him last night on Facetime before we went to bedand it was so strange to see him laying on our couch in our living room and notin a shack in Afghanistan… I had to do a double take and to make sure he wasreally there and I wasn’t seeing things

***Go into details about the drive to poplar springs, thedrive back to Belvoir and how Josh looked and how I felt seeing him atBelvoir,  Roxbury and Poplar Springs

“Bird by bird” go into details don’t go past what ishappening at this very moment

I’m so sick of hearing about these effing kids!!! This womanhas not talked about anything but her kids which makes me wonder what kind of awife she is as awful as that sounds it makes me wonder if shes neglecting herspouse because she’s so obsessed with her fucking kids

I wanna talk about the soldiers and the deployment and theinjuries not fucking kids!!!!

Assignment #2 Write about someone trying to persuade someoneto do something wrong ONLY duologue
Wow this is much MUCH harder for me!

Person 1:  We shouldgo to Waverly Hills Sanitarium tonight and walk around
Person 2: Uh isn’t that breaking and entering?
 Person 1: Yeah butwhos ever gonna know?
Person 2: The Police if we get caught?
Person 1: Who cares?
Person 2: Um me.. I’d really like to avoid jail tonight!
Person 1: Come on it ‘ll be SO cool I went last week andwalked around and it looked like they just got up and walked out one day no oneis anywhere around we’ll park down by the burger king and walk up so no onewill notice we are there its totally abandoned
Person 2: What  elseis there?
Person 1: The psych medical records are still in the filesand you can sit and read them! The IVs are still next to the beds and it lookslike it was just hooked up to someone this morning but theres dust everywhereand that’s all there is to tell you no one is there anymore its like a timewarp you have to see it!
Person 2: Fine! Ok Lets go just don’t get us arrested!

I want to start writing right now I want to just startwriting about what happened but I’m afraid to do it right this second because Idon’t think I could stop and I’m honestly afraid I’ll have a full blownbreakdown but I have so much I want to say and I’m so scared I’m going toforget it

Write about being afraid of the dark how I used to love thedark but now its when the voices are so loud and I second guess everythingthat’s going on so I have to sleep with the TV on to block out the voices toquiet them to make it so I can get any sleep at all

 OMFG I don’t want tohear this retard complain about her fucking daughter anymore THE GIRL WAS HURTIN FUCKING BASIC NOT WAR!!!!
Going through an MEB is nothinglike going to war! Nothing like being injured in combat
She went to congress to complain that this girls VApaperwork hadn’t gone though? WTF???

She’s sitting here sobbing like this is some kinda traumaticevent and its just so stupid to me I can’t stand her acting like the world isending because of something this stupid She’s all “I was afraid she’d killherself” blah blah blah SHUT UP ITS BASIC! Your not special your kid isn’tspecial!!

Shes all I didn’t feel like she was safe SHE WAS IN BASIChow was she not safe?!

Now shes bitching that they didn’t pay for her hotel andflight UM NOT THEIR JOB! That’s  theUSMC’s problem!

I feel like I have to get out of here I’m not sure I cankeep my mouth shut much longer

I can’t handle people acting like all injuries are createdequal I feel like this woman just wanted a free vacation because regardless ofwhat anyone says her daughter is NOT a wounded warrior shes just a woundedperson

Theres nothing about her that makes her a soldier or aMarine or whatever according to the USMC standards she WAS NEVER a USMCpersonally I don’t think recruits should be allowed in WWP

Josh just called me and I had to walk out of the seminarHe’s freaking out about the MEB and how if he can’t get this paperwork printedwe’ll have to start the whole process again and I am like big deal worse thingshave happened and whats the worst that can happen?  They have to pay us more LOL I don’t care howlong this shit takes!
He’s earned it he’s earned every extra cent he’s earnedeverything unlike this woman’s daughter who is just sucking off the system

I feel like I have barely gotten to talk about today aboutmy story or what happened to us because the 2 women keep talking about theirfucking kids!I want more time with the mentors and I want to learn I don’t wantto hear another word about this kids OMFG!

I wish people would either talk about their husbandsdeployments or I could just go back to the room

I’m sure I’m written the same thing 500 times but I’m typinginst             ead of saying it outloudor screaming at the top of my lungs

This woman doesn’t know anger she doesn’t know pain shedoesn’t know how bad it can get!

I wish I could go and pull someone to the side and justburst into tears and tell what I really feel how I am so sick of hearing thisand how its making everything 10 times harder for me to hear someone complainabout something so stupid when I’m going though something so hard

Homework: Work on something youwant to work on I want to write the details I wrote above I want the drive toBelvoir written and how I felt seeing Josh for the first time 

Writing Retreat Day 1 Part 1

This is just a post of the notes I took while listening to other people talk and what not during the first part of day 1 of the writing retreat up to this point we just met our mentors and did introductions and then split into our groups  

I'm realizing I’m a terrible person… I feel like I’m so intomy own life that I can’t sit here and pretend I care about anyone else or theirdrama… I have enough of my own… I don’t want to hear about your kids I have tolisten to people blab about their kids 24/7 I didn’t travel to NY to hear evenMORE about friggin kids!! If you wanna talk to me tell me about your husbandtell me about how your dealing with his injury SHUT UP ABOUT THE KIDS!!! *THEYDON”T MATTER(* Also don’t tell me about how your husband was hurt at basic orAIT sorry but I can’t relate to that I don’t think it counts and I think itsfucked up that your going to sit and try to compare that to what I’m goingthough

Not that it’s a Im better then you issue its just m yhusbandhas a legit combat injury he didn’t just fall down and go boom He didn’t gethurt in a way that could happen in everyday life HE WAS TRAMATIZED He was hurthe was hospitalized for months  I don’tsee how you can even compare the 2 things I don’t see how you can sit and say “Blahblah blah My so and so is a “wounded warrior” well where did the serve? Ohbasic training Um NO they’re not a wounded warrior their not even a soldier!They’re a recrurt STFU and go talk to someone who got hurt in HS on a sportsteam not a group of people whos husbands have been blow up and shot up andruined!

I AM SO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT KIDS Jesus CHRIST get your ownfucking identity!!! Have a life outside of your kids! Be an adult talk aboutadult issues!!

I like not having to worry about kids I like being able todo what I want when I want how I want I like being able to just plan vacationsand just GO! I like that in May I was able to just up and fly to Lori’s becauseI wanted to I like that next month we just booked our trip to Disney for nextmonth (We did end up keeping the Disney trip, we Cali trip for Feb ahha)
This woman is comparing her daughter being injured at BasicTraining WTF NO! Its not the same!!!!!!

Its taking everything I have to sit here and keep a straightface and not let her see how pissed off I am.. I’m insulted honestly Shesacting like her daughter should have been treated differently because she wasinjured But how can you treat one diff then one whos going right back a recruitis a recruit STFU and be thankful she was in the states!

OMFG NOW SHES TRYING TO SAY HER DAUGHTER HAS PTSD*STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*  Jesus I’mtrying so hard to bite my tongue but this is driving me insane Not only did thegirl get hurt at fucking basic she was over weight and couldn’t pass PT

This is like the worst group for me… I don’t wanna besitting here I’m not sure I can be nice all day and all night and all daytomorrow

I wanna be with other combat vet wives People who truly understandnot this horseshit! If  I wanted to talkto people who have never deployed and never been though a deployment I wouldastayed at Ft Myer!!

** Write about small pieces each day… go though each day ofthe event one by one or even break it down by the moment… Like “I was thinkingthis as I was driving” or “This is how the phone call happened”**

I think I’m going to talk to the WWP people and ask if I canhave diff group tomorrow  Ireally can’ttalk to these people I can’t relate to them
My life is falling apart I don’t have the energy to pretendI give a fuck about this woman’s bullshit

I don’t want to be here I don’t want to be here I don’t wantto be here I don’t want to be here I don’t want to be here

I am trying SO hard to stay calm and its not working myblood is boiling and my heart is racing and I’m PISSED and I’m sick ofpretending that this girl is having problems and she won’t stfu shes like blahblah blah an injury is an injury UM NO

My life is ruined Josh’s life is ruined our marriage wastorn into pieces

All these girls are like I wanna leave my husband WTF?!?!?!? Even at our worst I knew I would*NEVER EVER EVER EVER* leave Josh

I would die for him

I have put my own life aside and I have no issue doing iteveryday til I die he is #1 he comes first his life comes before mine

The next girl has started talking I like her I talked to herquite a bit yesterday she has an accent and it makes me want to listen and payattention I know her husband was injured over seas and it makes me feel better tolisten to her because she understands and I can relate to her

I’m next after her and I don’t know how I feel about saying whathappened to me outloud I havenit told anyone except close friends and Josh… Iwrite everyday about it but writing about it and saying it are so different Idon’t know how I’m even going to start telling what happened How do I say itwithout people thinking I’m crazy or that the doctors were right?

I’m so tired and honestly I just want to go back to my hoteland go back to sleep

I don’t want to eat dinner I don’t want to socialize I justwant to write  I didn’t come here to talkI came here to write and write and write

This is so emotionally draining and I’m just so over welmed

How much should I tell? Should I be honest and tell the*WHOLE* story? The one girl admitted to heroin use so atleast I won’t be theworst HAHA!!

I’m distracting myself by chewing on walnuts HAHA

I’m hoping to get all this published I want to help someonebut I’m afraid my thoughts and options are too blunt 

Friday, October 19, 2012


I feel like I'm going to explode emotionally its just too much... I feel like some of these ladies are super nice and super supportive and want to learn but others just seem to want free stuff and a free vacation and more money from the VA...

I miss Josh and being away from him this time of year is so hard I wanna write so much and I wanna tell you everything I'm feeling but its like its too much Its too much to process too much to think too much to express any of this...

I feel like my chest is full and I just wanna curl up and cry

I'm gonna hop in the shower and then go to sleep so I'm ready in 12 hours to get up and spend all day writing...

I'll be sure to post what I write and pictures tomorrow :D

The hotel is amazing it looks like a space ship I can't even explain how cool it is!!

But ok its time for me to get in the shower more tomorrow NIGHT!

Thursday, October 18, 2012


Tomorrow morning I'm off to NYC for the Wounded Warrior Project Writing Retreat... I was really excited about going until yesterday... I saw the status of another woman who's also attending the retreat it was about how excited she is to see Ground Zero.

I never thought I'd see the words "excited" and "Ground Zero" in the same sentence. It looked wrong they don't belong together, the 2 have nothing in common.

It made me mad, madder then I've been in a long time... It insulted me on a level I can't even explain...

I was there I saw it I watched it happen I felt the ground shake as they fell I saw the black sky above I sat in my 9th grade classroom and sobbed I remember running to the office and calling my dad and begging him not to go to work...

How can anyone be "excited" to see that?!

I don't know how I'm gonna get though this weekend... I was looking forward to it but I'm not anymore... The closer its getting to leaving the more stressed and scared I am... I don't wanna leave Josh... Next Friday is THE day and I just don't even like him going to work let alone be away for 4 days but I have to :/

He's doing better and I know he'll be ok without me but I'm still fearful I still make him call me every morning when he gets to work, I still freak out if I can't get ahold of him for even 5 mins...

It's getting better but it's still hard and now I'm thinking about what life on the outside is going to be like and it's even more stressful...

Will he be able to hold down a job? Will I be able to handle the hours he has to work? Will he even be able to get a job with a medical discharge? How long do we have left with the army? Is he going to get retired or discharged? So many unanswered questions and all are so stressful to me...

I'm really starting to think I made the wrong choice. I'm really starting to believe that I fucked our whole lives up... I should have just kept my mouth shut...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Change of plans :D

Plans change daily around here HAHA Josh and I sat down and really talked about the Disney trip today and we agreed its outta control $2000 before plane tickets (Which were another $450) to go to a park and do the things we JUST did less then 6 months ago and a year before that...Thats a LOT of money to do stuff we've already done and some damn lights haahha

SO I went on Southwest,com and changed our tickets!!

We are now flying into Las Vegas, staying for 5 days and in that time visiting his grandparents (they live very close to the strip) and driving out to Fort Irwin to visit some good friends :D Then we're flying to San Jose CA to go to the Winchester Mystery House and drive around Cali for 5 days! I'm so excited!! Winchester Mystery House is on my bucket list! I'm honestly more excited about this then Disney!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Small pieces

Today I saw a small piece of Josh return a part of him I love a part of him I've missed so much... his spontaneous nature :D

He came into the bedroom this morning all excited, more animated then I've seen him in a long time holding his iphone waving it in my face. Once I got him to hold still long enough for me to focus on the screen I realized it was ticketmaster and that Josh's favorite band, Rise Against, is playing at the House of Blues in Orlando Fl at Downtown Disney.

Thats when he said it he said "Lets go! We haven't done the Random 2012 yet LETS GO!" so I quickly agreed and started looking for plane tickets then he kept talking and what he said made me so happy I cried he said "baby, we're not just going to the concert I wanna take you to see the Lights at Disney make this a full Disney trip I know I can't fix your memories of last year but I hope with this I can help you build new ones to replace those"

How sweet is that!?

Really does love me :D

So there you have it friends We're going back to Disney! I've been googling the magic kingdom lights and I'm just is awe I can't wait to see this in person its going to be the perfect start to Holiday Season <3

So far I have set up the hotel, We'll be staying at the All Star Music resort on Disney property,  plane tickets, park tickets and food :D We chose to go with Disney's meal plan on this trip, we've never done that before but theres a first time for everything! I'll keep you posted on how it goes but I booked for 5 big sit down dinner: I picked MGM's 50s Cafe for night 1,Regoan Road at DownTown Disney for day 2,  Morocco  in Epcot for night 3, Germany in Epcot for night 4, and England at Epcot for day 5 but I think some of that is going to need to chance due to park times :D

The concert is on day 2 of our little trip :D

So there you have it my excitement for the day! This is the perfect Birthday/Christmas/Anni gift for us :D Its something for each of us I get my lights and rides, Josh gets his concert and food and we both get to take back our holiday season, rebuild this time of year in our lives and work on being 1 step closer to closure and healing and form some amazing new memories!

Now everyone please join me while I pray that his leave gets approved after I just spent $1500 on this trip HAHA!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

My Strange Addiction

So I'm watching this TLC show and I can't help but say I belong on it haha!

I'm addicted to my cell phone if its dead I freak out if I can't have it I have a borderline melt down...

It became my lifeline during the deployment so it only makes sense it's still attached to me :/

I dunno I'll add more to this tomorrow I'm falling asleep sitting up

265 Days

Josh's MEB officially started today they said it should be 265 days from now but to expect 450 days... Wow... Scary to think in about a year well be outta the army... I'm just praying he gets retirement...

In about a year were gonna be normal people... Well be able to go where we want when we want, he can wear his hair how he wants...

I know it seems like nothing but its everything to us...

I'm just praying that the MEB sees that he's doing good now because of the meds :/

Sunday, October 7, 2012

My husband has finally come home

It's been almost a year since world came crashing down... It's been almost 5 years since the first he came home, almost 2 since the second time he came home and for the first time I feel like I'm really living with my husband again.

He is finally here with me again... I can see it in his eyes, he's looking at me not replaying scenes from Afghanistan on the wall behind me... He doesn't look like he can see though me anymore... He kisses me and smiles and laughs and loves.

He goes out of his way to make me feel safe and supported and loved. He has become the man I fell in love with again and I've never been so happy.

He's so healthy right now that part of me wants to say lets call off the MEB or say let's try life without the meds but I know those things aren't options as quickly as he came home he can leave again it could happen in the blink of an eye, it could happen in the plan of 1 missed pill...

He's better but he's not if that makes any sense... It's all smoke and fog and anti depressants but ill take it... For the time being, he's home and the man I married and I plan to enjoy every moment with him to the fullest we have a lot of lost time to make up for <3

New beginnings

I haven't written in a few days :/ nothing exciting has happened and I haven't felt that hot... Just a nice quiet weekend in bed with my love :)

We were supposed to go to Williamsburg this weekend to visit one of my good friends but Josh felt like crap on Friday and Sat and asked me if we could cancel so of course I said yes...

One exciting thing did happen this week though... I got back in touch with a woman who 4 years ago was my best friend... My sister... The girl I could tell anything to... She signed my marriage license as our witness... And we got into a huge fight that here I am 3 years later and I can't for the life of me tell you what the fight was about I have no idea at all... And it breaks my heart that we lost 3 years over a fight that was clearly so petty that I can't remember what it was about!

I think everyone has a friend like that... Someone who at one point was their best friend and now they're just a person they used to know... I have one other friend like that... I tried to fix things with her right after Josh got sick last year and it just didn't work... I thought we had worked though everything and she told me to call her the next day and I tried to and she never answered her phone and never called back... She was the maid of honor at the I do Take 2 wedding... She was my best friend and I'm never gonna see her again...

I'm glad that I'm making up with Kristen it feels good and it's almost like we are just picking up where we left off...

New beginnings are a great thing

Monday, October 1, 2012


Every day I post here about all the things that are wrong in my life but today is going to be different. Today I'm gonna write about how lucky I am.

I am so blessed.

The other day a news story came out that we had hit 2000 Military deaths in Afghanistan... My husband wasn't one of them.

Josh is alive which is something that those 2000 wives can not say and that breaks my heart...

Yes he came home emotionally and mentally broken but physically he came home whole and safe... For that I thank God every day... I donate blood every chance I get at Walter Reed so that the soldiers who weren't as lucky as Josh have the blood they need to heal.

He loves me... He is my soul mate and he loves me and I am married to him and I'm so thankful he's mine...

He loves me for who I am, he wants me for me and doesn't want me to be anyone I'm not... He gives me the freedom to be myself and has helped me grow...

He doesn't tell me what I can or can't do, he never tells me I can't have something, he homes me when I'm sick and kisses my forehead when I cry and holds my hand when I'm in pain...

He's my other half and I love him as much as he loves me.

We are so lucky and so blessed and so thankful...

I have a beautiful basset hound who I love to the moon and back... She's perfect...

I have a beautiful home that we own.. A home that we can stay in for years, forever if we so choose, a home we can raise a family in... For the first time we have a home that we don't have to leave in 6 months or a year... It's ours.

I have a family that loves me and stands by me though anything... A family who has forgiven my mistakes and love me in spite of them.

I'm gonna close this post up with the lyrics to a song called "Who I am" by Jessica Andrews it kinda sums this all up...

"I am Rose Mary's granddaughter the spitting image of my father and when the day is done my mama's still my biggest fan... Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy but I've got friends who love me and know exactly where I stand its all a part of me and that's who I am"