Sunday, September 30, 2012

What if?

So I'm watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy and in this eppie Meredith is dreaming about how her life would be had her mother married Richard and she was raised in a loving home and it got me thinking... What if...

What if I hadn't asked for help? What if I hadn't told anyone Josh was sick?

Would we be happier? Would I be healthier? Would he be happier? Would he be healthier? Would he even be alive?

Would he have really killed himself? Would he have just healed on his own?
Would he have divorced me?
Would he be deployed right now?

What would we be like? Would he still be K9? Would we have stilled PCSed or would we be happy at Lewis?

What if he hasn't re-enlisted the first time? Or the second?

What if we would have gotten married in April of 2008 like we were supposed to?

He says that everything happens for a reason... If we woulda gotten married in April of 08 instead of December, I woulda ended up pregnant on our wedding night (that was the plan back then) I would have been too pregnant to fly back to Jersey when Grandpa died and I would have never seen him alive again...

Had we gotten married in April, we'd more then likely be divorced because he wanted to drink and party and get it all outta his system but I wasn't legal yet so it woulda lead to fights...

What if I hadn't pushed for him to get pcs orders? Would we still be living in WA?

What would I be like?

Would I be happy?

What if none of this ever happened?

Nighttime...

I hate nighttime... I never seem to be able to sleep... And when I'm sitting up all alone is when my mind wonders as it is now...

I start remembering what happened and get all crazy...

I'm sitting in the living room wide awake watching crappy TV that I'm really not paying attention to and thinking about last year and this year and the retreat...

I'm really worried about the retreat... It's right in the middle of "the nightmare time" and it's right in the middle of when r&r was...

It's weird when you think about it... R&r was amazing and some of the happiest days of my life but last year the same days were some of the worst of my life...

I wonder what this year is going to bring? I'm trying so hard to create new memories to over write the bad ones but I can't... I don't know what to do to get past this... If you have any ideas hit me with them!

We're trying to do Halloween themed stuff... Watch a scary movie every day... Josh is trying so hard to make up for last year and he's so amazing and I can't get past it I can't forget I can't move on and I want to so badly... I want things to be how they were in July of last year... So happy, nothing but hopes of the future and love...

When he was in the hospital and I realized everything I had been told was a lie I thought we would be ok... I though that as soon as he came home all the bad would disappear like it did after the deployment but it hasn't... The stress has been replaced by anger and fear...

He's doing so good... And I feel like I'm dragging him down...

I just want to forget all the bad... I'm thinking about telling him I wanna renew our vows... I wanna do it again almost like a new beginning... Just us at the on posh chapel... I think I'm gonna talk to Josh about doing it...

Yeah, I'm gonna talk to Josh and the therapist about it on Tuesday... I think this is a huge step in starting over... Maybe we can do it on "THE DAY"?

Does that sound nuts? Renewing our vows on the day that tore my life apart?

Friday, September 28, 2012

Empty

I haven't felt right in days... I don't know it it's the pain meds or the vaccines or the fact that my sleep has been so messed up but I have felt so empty these past few days...

I feel like something bad is coming the last time I felt like this was the days leading up to the deployment...

Lately I've been scared to death that he's going to deploy again which I know is so stupid but I can't help it...

Josh is worried about me going on the Wounded Warrior Retreat... He says he's worried I'm gonna freak out but honestly if there's anywhere that's a good place to be when you freak out its a wounded warrior retreat lol I'm hoping the other women will be able to help me process some of what happened and I'm hoping some of them understand how I've been feeling lately...

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

War of the day

So I had therapy today... And Josh and I got into a WAR like a screaming yelling war in this therapist's office...

It started out normal and then we started talking about October and a war broke out ugh

But this fight was different... as quickly as it started, it ended... Any other time we got into a fight like this we woulda been war-ing the rest of the day but as soon as therapy ended we got up, walked out, and went to dinner like nothing ever happened... it was amazing!

I can seriously get used to this! If we can get all our fighting out in that room maybe things will just keep getting better...

I wanna write more but I feel like utter crap ugh :( I had to get 3 vaccines as part of the infertility stuff so my arms hurt and I have a fever and a head ache :( Off to bed (I hope I can sleep tonight)

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Damage

Josh and I have been fighting a lot less... we've been able to talk stuff over lately without ending in a screaming match or me crying and him freaking out... Its good and bad... Its good because it means he's getting better but for me its bad because I'm starting to realize how sick I really am...

We both know I am sick because he is sick but I'm starting to question how damaged I was before he got sick, before we got married, before he deployed, before we met... How much of my damage was already there and is just coming out now because of all that happened?

I know grandpa has a lot to do with it... a WHOLE lot... more then I like to admit outloud... and I know boyfriends in the past also have a lot to do with it but how much? And would any of this ever surfaced if it wasn't for what the Army did to us? Would I be this paranoid if those things never happened?

Its 2:43am and I'm wide awake.... I'm talking to some friends on facebook and they're talking about their husbands being deployed... For a moment I panicked and realized I hadn't heard the "YAHOOOOO" of my yahoo messenger alerting me that Josh has logged on in a very long time... it took me a good 30 seconds to calm myself down and realize that was because he was laying next to me snoring... Sometimes when he goes to work I throw myself into a panic convinced he's deployed again... Its downright psychotic...

Sometimes I work myself into a panic when I think about him deploying again before I stop and realize he's never going to deploy again we were laughing the other night because he said he needed his phone and I was like why? I'm the only person who calls you and I'm right here anyone else who needs us knows my number and he was like "What if they need me? You never know we might invade Iran tonight" (Joking ofcourse) and I looked at him dead ass serious and was like "If they're calling you to deploy because we invaded Iran we have MUCH bigger problems then a deployment or a missed phone call" and he was laughing his ass off at this point and goes "Um yeah it means everyone else is dead!" LOL :D

Its good that we're getting to a point where we can joke about some of it but I think I'm gonna talk to the therapist tomorrow about "Before Josh" I mean we have gone over and over and over what happened last year 100 times 100 ways and the reality is nothing is going to change it I'm scarred for life and it is what it is but maybe if I can work though some of the "before" issues the "after" wont seem so bad?

Comments?

Hi everyone I notice I have over 500 views but no comments? Do you like what you see? Do you have questions? Thoughts? Something ahhaha?

I'm so sick of it!

I am so sick of people faking PTSD and trying to use it as a way to get money from the VA or as a way to get out of doing something they don't want to do (Be it the field, deployment, PCS, TDY whatever)

Faking PTSD is what gives it a bad wrap. Its what makes people think EVERYONE is faking when they're not. Its what makes people like Josh not seek help until they are at the brink of self destruction because all they have ever seen is people lying about it. Faking PTSD takes appointments away from soldiers who truly need them, it takes slots away from the men and women who truly need the help... There are times where Josh has to wait 4-6 weeks for Psych appts people people who are faking issues are taking them up!!


I am so sick of people using their wife or kids as an excuse why they can't do things they don't want to do, See above.

I don't care if your wife is depressed, you think I wasn't depressed while Josh was gone? You think I didn't cry myself to sleep? You think it didn't suck for me? You think it doesn't suck for EVERYONE?! Go to hell. Your wife is no more important then anyone else's! And I think it is horrid that the Army feeds into the bullshit if a wife wants to try to off herself because her husband is deployed they should take her kids from her and lock her in a loony bin til he gets home AT THE END OF HIS TOUR.

Oh your kid is sad? Sucks for your kid! Tell the mother to take care of it! I read an article earlier in the week about a woman who killed her child because she was "Depressed" and people were outraged and acted like it was somehow the military's fault that this woman couldn't care for her baby and acted like they should have brought her husband home or not deployed him at all UM NO she should have gone back to her parents or told someone she couldn't care for her baby and if someone knew she was abusing said child they shoulda called CPS I find it VERY hard to believe noone knew this baby was being starved to death in an on base home those walls are thin as hell and I bet dollars to donuts that child was SCREAMING 24/7!!

I know a woman who recently tried to get her husband out of going to Korea claiming their child had ADD... And my answer was SO?!

If you want to remain on active duty status why should you be paid to do a job your not doing? Why should we give you a slot that could be given to a deploy-able soldier? Why should another soldier have to carry your weight?

Josh is at a point where he knows he can't do it anymore so he's taking the MEB so that a healthy soldier can take his spot... He gets no special treatment and he is the one whos injured! I am so sick of these soldiers who just go to formation then can go home and take care of their families its insane if the mother is healthy and the child isn't actively dying why can't the mother do it?

I'm so sick of people acting like they should be treated special like their wife is special like their kids are special: NO! We're all equal get over yourself!!

As you can see I'm pretty pissed tonight and I can't seem to fall asleep which is making me even madder I have to be up in 3 hours to go to Georgetown for a post op on my ankle which is a total waste of time because I already took out my own damn stitches so all he's gonna do is say "oh look its healed nicely" and send me home grrrr

I also have therapy tomorrow which I'm not looking forward to at all I'm sick of taking about what happened and noone doing anything about it I'm sick of telling everyone how I feel and just being left to feel that way...

It must be nice to be able to destroy someone's whole life and just walk away from it with no repercussions at all I know I wish I could walk around making stuff up and suddenly every word I say becomes truth...

Monday, September 24, 2012

Dangerously close...

So its Sept 24th... we are officially stepping into the "Danger Zone" for me... This time last year cracks were starting to show in our once water tight lies... By this time next month, our world was collapsed... I don't like reliving these events...

I've been trying to keep myself busy and my mind on other thing (Lately I've been watching any and all scary movies I can find because it forces me to focus on what might be hiding in the dark under my bed more then the fact that at any time Josh could relapse at any time...)

Right now its 8:45pm he came home with quite a headache so he went right to bed and I'm laying in the living room watching House...

I hardly ever sleep anymore... my sleep meds don't work... I'm hoping my doctor can do something about it on Wed when I go see my therapist...

So next weekend Josh has a 4 day weekend and we have some pretty awesome plans... Starting on Friday we're going to Terror Behind the Walls in Philly then on Sat we're going down to Williamsburg VA to visit a good friend whos visiting from WA and on Sunday we're going to Busch Gardens :D Should be a nice distraction!

Disney 2.0

So I finally figured out how to upload pictures from my phone so here are some candids from our Disney trip! Followed by my thoughts on rides and how to see everything :)

Round and Round

So its 3am and I should be asleep... Should be are the key words as I'm very clearly wide awake writing this LOL

Josh was PISSED tonight... I was supposed to have 2 appointments in the morning at Bethesda, One for a 3 hour Glucose test and one for an internal ultrasound (Both related to our infertility issues) the bloodwork was at 8 and the ultrasound was at 10:20 then he has an appt there at 2pm for Physical Medicine (Non Surgical Ortho) WELL He called his SGT to let him know about the appts and the dude is all "Ok see you at formation at 5:45am" WTF?!!?!? He expected Josh to drag me to Ft Myer at friggin 5:45am (Meaning we'd have to leave our house before 5am) just so he could check Josh's name off on a clip board and release him 5 seconds later so we'd have to sit in the car from 6-8am and I wouldn't be allowed to eat or drink oh and not to mention the fact that I'm at a SUPER high risk for blood clots because of my ankle... Uh Fuck that.

When Josh finally realized this dude really expected that, he kinda lost his shit and I can't blame him! I asked him why he had to go in like what it was going to do for the SGT and he was like "NOTHING it does NOTHING this is the kinda shit they pull when they can't do anything else"

And he's right! They're hoping we get so stressed out from all the round and round bullshit that we drop the profile quit the MEB and just let them chapter him out well there in for a rude awakening: THIS FAMILY DOESN'T QUIT! WE WILL NOT GIVE IN!!!!

I can't safely sit in the car and then in the hospital that long so I changed my appointments to be on Wed after my Ortho Surgeon appt so hah fuck them I win

He's going to go into formation, do whatever the fuck they need him to do (Which no joke is just stand there and look pretty but damn he's good at that heehh) and then come home and get me at noon so we can drive back to Bethesda together and go to his appt

This is going to be a long doctor appointment filled will honestly

I have the post op for my ankle on Wed and right after that I have to go for the blood work then I have an appt with my PCM to get the Chicken Pox vaccine (Yes I'm 24 and I've never had Chicken Pox LOL) and the flu shot so I should be nice and sick by the end of the week and then I have my therapist which I'm pretty excited about

On Thursday I have an appointment with a nutritionist (Part of the infertility stuff) and Friday I have the last of my "cycle" blood draws (YAY!)

The cool thing is after tomorrow, Josh will get his P3 from Physical Medicine and the MEB can official begin which means we only have 6-9 months left in the army... WOW. This time next year there is a real possibility that we could be normal people living normal lives... or as close to normal as we can get hehe :D

For a while there I was really worried about money and how things would work once we lost what we are used to living on but I've gotten to a point where I just don't care!! We'll make it work his health is more important then money and the best thing for his health is to be as far from Ft Myer and the army as I can possibly get him!

I'm gonna turn on some how I met your mother reruns and try to fall asleep... long day tomorrow and Bethesda is not a place to go when your tired!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

My life on Wisteria Lane

Today a friend posted a face book status about Desperate Housewives, how she has started watching the show and how it makes her wonder whats really going on in her friends homes and it got me thinking... I was a desperate housewife... For years I suffered in silence, doing everything I could to keep Josh's illness a secret just like the women on the show...

For those of you who don't want it, the show isn't what you think its not about lonely housewives its about secrets and lies and murder and the fact that you never "really" know whats going on in your neighbors home, even when that neighbor is your best friend... and its true.

When Josh was at his worst noone knew. Not my friends, not my family, not our neighbors, not the military. Noone. We lived a double life on the outside to anyone who looked at us we were happy as could be... We were the happy newlyweds with the tiny apartment and mismatched furniture who were just getting started and didn't need anything but eachother, we were the happy couple who moved into the nice house with the beautiful backyard on post, didn't really talk to our neighbors caused no problems and kept to ourselves,We were a nice normal couple who just bought the beautiful house in a quiet town in VA...

But on the inside, it was a whole other story... Our lives were quietly falling apart behind the walls of our home... It took everything we had to keep up appearances outside so once we got home it all fell apart 

When we first got to Ft Myer I did everything I could to keep what was going on in our home a secret and I was DAMN good at it... I made up excuses for why we couldn't go out, I kept the windows covered so noone could look in and see him curled up in the middle of our living room having a panic attack, I kept the TV just loud enough that noone could hear us fighting... As much as I hate to admit this lying because easy and natural for me and for a while there I got so good at lying that I was even fooling myself..

During the PCS I truly believed my lies but as soon as we got into our home and started living a normal life again with the daily stress of work and keeping the house up and school work I realized how bad I was fooling myself and how desperate I was to believe that my life could one day be normal... But it wasn't and it isn't... and I'm not sure it ever will be...

I don't live on Wisteria Lane anymore... Just like the women in the show sooner or later my secret was bound to get too big to keep and it did... This time last year my friends were shocked and horrified to find out Josh had been hospitalized because of a suicide attempt... As crazy as this sounds even after he was hospitalized I tried SO hard to keep it a secret I honestly tried even harder to keep it a secret for fear he would be judged... But it was too much and I broke down and told my best friend and all she kept saying back to me was why didn't you tell me you didn't have to do this alone but I couldn't I couldn't tell anyone and I'll never be able to explain why...

Everyone has secrets, Everyone lies, Don't judge your neighbors or friends too harshly for the choices they make because you never know whats really going on in their homes... I know my friends sure didn't... 

Saturday, September 22, 2012

The Psychic Visit

Something happened to me a few years ago that I can't seem to get off my mind lately...

As I've said before, I have a psychic that I go to all the time but this is the story of the first time I went to her... this is what she told me...

It was on the boardwalk in Point Pleasant NJ, August of 2009... Josh and I had just had our big wedding and at this point he didn't have any deployment orders yet.

I had seen her office before many times but never went in for some reason on this day I wanted to... I took off my wedding rings and handed them to Josh then pulled my hair into a pony tale and by the time I was done I look maybe 18 or 19 most deff not like a 21 year old married woman...

I went in and sat down I chose a full life tarot reading at this visit and she began... She had me cut the cards into 3 piles then cut them again and then one more time but this time she told me to think of a question I had but not say the question out loud... the question was a little odd but I wanted to know if he was my true soul mate I knew what I felt but I wanted to know if the universe saw it the same way I did...

She put the cards into their spots and then began turning them over one by one... As soon as she turned over the first card she said "Your married... He does something dangerous for a living... and I see a partner by his side but I don't get the sense that its a human partner" (Josh was a K9 MP at the time) then she turned the next card and said "He's going to deploy in early spring" and thats when her behavior changed she looked me in the eye and said "Can he get out of it?" and I said no and tears welled up in her eyes... Normally your not supposed to ask questions but I said "Is he going to be killed" (I assumed worst cast because she looked like she was trying not to cry) and she said "No. I see death all around him but he will come home... alive" she was careful in the way she said alive though and I said "So he's going to be injured" and she said yes and I said how bad and she said not all wounds are visible...

She told me he would be sent on a 12 month tour but she saw him coming home at month 7 and his partner wasn't with him (I spent 7 months convinced his dog was going to die and I remember clear as day when he came home on R&R as I stood at the bottom of the stairs watching him walk down them to me thinking "OMG its month 7 and hes coming home without his dog! SHES NOT GONNA DIE!) then she told me how he would come home and be hospitalized but he would be ok and be would be diagnosed with PTSD

She said she saw us having 3 children (All psychics I've been to as well as Josh and His mom have gone all said 3 kids for us)

When he was hospitalized I hate to admit this but the only time I left the house when I was in NJ was to go to my psychic... She knew he was in the hospital before I even said anything and told me everything I needed to hear... she's amazing and I love her

I plan to go again next time I'm home... I think I'm ready to ask the hard questions... and I wanna know what those last words between me and grandpa were...

Josh has gone to see her as well (On a diff day and I wasn't with him) and he said as soon as he walked in she said "I met your wife the other day hows your dog" before he even sat down and was able to give him details about his deployments that noone besides me, him and the people who were there knew... he told him he needs to unload some of his baggage before he can heal... But that he would heal and that our lives would go on...


The Tightrope

I always feel like I'm walking a tight rope before two massive sky scrapers and I'm trying so hard to balance so I don't fall... Sometimes theres a safety net, others theres not... but I'm always walking it...

People say I'm a controlling wife because I guard him... I control what movies are shown in my home, I blocked the military channel on Comcast, I watch closely when he's playing video games for any sign of distress, I time our trips to stores perfectly to avoid crowds, I ask for our check to be brought with our food and boxes as soon as we sit down when we go out to eat and always ask for the table closest to the exit so I can get him out quick if needed, We don't go to clubs because the loud music upsets him and make sure to go to quiet hole in the wall bars if we're going to have a drink to avoid people bumping into him...

I do these things not to be controlling but to keep some sort of peace in his life and in our marriage... These things control the symptoms they don't control him and if any of them go wrong, I fall off the tightrope and its days when things go wrong that I have no safety net...

I try so hard to protect him and it breaks my heart when people mistaken my love for him for something abusive... sometimes I feel like we live in a world that would rather see something wrong with a family then see what I'm doing as a positive move to protect him...

If it were my child we were talking about and my child were autistic and hated the color red, would I be a bad mother if I kept red things out of my home? NO! I'd be searching for peace! 

I just want him to find peace... I just don't want to fall off the tightrope... or atleast give me an umbrella to cushion the fall...  

Blurred Lines

So Josh and I got into quite a discussion  today... Where does his PTSD end and mine pick up? What part of this story is his, what is mine and what is ours? What trauma is his to own and what is mine? Most importantly What do I need to come to terms with and what does he?

Some parts of the story are easy... Clearly the original trauma is all his I would never try to take that from him I will never understand what he went though in a million years and I've given up trying to I've stopped saying I understand because I don't and I've stopped saying its ok because its not and I've stopped saying go back to sleep it'll be better in the morning because it won't.

Clearly the secondary trauma is mine. I need to own it and I find myself saying more and more often "You just don't get it!" and until this convo tonight I really didn't think he did but for the first time I was able to say more then "You just don't get it" I explained what he didn't get... He didn't get that I am as scarred as he is and while his monsters are so very real they are also on the other side of the world for the most part... My monsters are miles away, They control my life, they control his life... they hold our fate in their hands they can take him from me at any moment... They totally abused their power and they destroyed me as a person... they killed a huge part of who I was that day... They took someone who was once so strong, and turned her into a fearful blob of uselessness... They did it without caring without thinking twice it didn't effect them so who cares who they hurt...

Then theres my other monster... the one who started all this... my monster sleeps beside me at night... I am so madly in love with my monster and at the same time I'm just MAD at him...

 I'm mad that he allowed himself to get that sick, I'm mad he allowed it to spin out of control, I'm mad he didn't listen to me when I told him to get help in the first place, I'm mad that he turned on me even though I know now that he was in no state to be making decisions and didn't mean what he said I can't help but be MAD I'm mad he didn't fight harder for me, I'm mad he assumed I would be ok, I'm mad he trusted them when they said I left him and didn't know me well enough to know I'd never leave, I'm mad he turned to them for help... I'm mad for so many reasons...

I need to find a way to forgive him and I just don't know how...

My anger is mine to hold... But I need to find a way to let it go... I need to turn it into something positive and I just don't know how... If I keep holding onto it I'm going to end up as sick as he is and I can't allow that to happen...

I think something that will help me is to hear him admit out loud that he did these things that he caused these events to happen to me that he stood by and watched my life be torn into tiny pieces and did nothing buy try to protect himself... He claims he couldn't protect me because he could barely hold himself together which makes no sense to me... I'd protect him before myself any day of the week I've proven this I would take a bullet for him I would throw myself in front of a bus before I'd let it touch him but his actions that day made me seriously question his love for me and his devotion to our marriage.

I'm deff going to bring this up at our next counseling session and hopefully I can hear the thing I need to hear... I don't want him to be coached though I want it to come from his heart... He's told me a thousand times since it happened how sorry he was and how he didn't mean it and how he would never do it again but for me its like, You did it once whats to stop you from doing it again?

Then theres the parts we share... the stress that has been put on our marriage because of all this... the issues with infertility that are caused by his medications and the questions those bring up... What is more important to us? His health currently or a baby? Should he just stop taking the medications, get me pregnant then go back on them? Is it worth the risk? Is having a baby even a good idea for us? Would we be good parents? Can we be good parents with all that we have going on right now?

No. No we can't... Wow... I'm reading this right now and feeling what I feel and honestly until I let go of this anger and fear I don't think its safe for me to carry a child let alone have a newborn I'd have to care for... I've never leave my house... I think I just made a major life decision...



We've come a long way in the past year... I mean this time last year we were living in a hotel in the middle of the PCS waiting for the closing on our house... I knew things were getting bad but if you woulda told me on this very day last year what was coming my way I don't think I would have believed you... Or I would have ran back to mommy and daddy and hid in the laundry closet like I did when I was 5 and scared of something (Don't ask I was convinced this closet was my cave LOL)

Sometimes I still wish I could crawl into that closet with pillows, blankets and teddy bears around me, turn on my flash light pull the door shut and feel safe and at peace (Seriously thank GOD noone ever "stopped by" when I was doing this they woulda called CPS so fast my mom's head woulda spun lol)


Maybe by this time next year the lines won't be so blurry...

Friday, September 21, 2012

Me outside PTSD

Lately in therapy I've been working to find who I am outside of the wife of a wounded soldier... My therapist said Josh's illness has over taken both of our lives and honestly, it has! So I'm gonna make this blog all about *ME* and who I am... and I'm gonna use a lot of pictures because I think that would be more fun haha!


I believe in magic



Peter Pan and Sleeping Beauty are my fave Disney Movies

I'm a certified Red Cross Lifeguard






I love to read :D 






 Born and Raised Jersey Girl <3


I'm a Scorpio and I totally believe in it

I love to swim and was competitive so many years

I love the Original Twilight Zone 

My Favorite Ride EVER 

I believe in Tarot cards and psychics and honestly, I consult my psychic any time I feel unbalanced 



Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I hate 9/20.

I hate September 20th. Not just a little bit, a lot. a WHOLEEEEEEEEEE lot. I can't believe its been 4 years... Its been 4 years since I hugged him, since I talked to him, since I made the biggest mistake of my life...

4 years ago today my grandpa died... and I didn't say goodbye... I knew he was having surgery and I didn't say goodbye...

It was Sept 2rd... I knew he was having surgery the next day... he came over to my parents (and at the time) my house for dinner and I can still see him sitting there laughing I can hear it... He had me download a funny ring tone on his phone for when grandma called him... He never got to use it...

I went upstairs half way though dinner, Josh called me and at this point he was still pretty bad into his drinking and didn't talk to me (or anyone really) much... My mom came into my room and told me grandpa was leaving and that I should say goodbye because he was having surgery in the morning... I think I yelled bye and told my mom I'd see him the next day... I wouldn't. If you've read this from the start you know what happened next... Grandpa died... I can't remember what his last words to me were... I really wanna go to a psychic today I wanna know what the last thing I said to him was so badly... It makes me crazy... for weeks after it happened I sat and tried to remember and I couldn't and I still can't and here I am 4 years later and I'm still going nuts over it...


Broken hearts and nightmares

I realize I haven't gone into enough detail of what caused Josh's PTSD and how the army treated us when we asked for help...

Josh's PTSD stems from his first deployment and his second did nothing to help it... The further into treatment we're getting the more I'm finding out about his second tour and I'm finding its as traumatizing as the first... I don't want to go into too much detail of what happened on here for many reasons...

-OPSEC
-I'm not sure what the Army told the family of the Soldier who was KIA
-Its not my story to tell

The trauma on his first tour is his... his to remember, his to own, his to deal with, and if and when he wants to tell his story, he will...

All you need to know is my husband witnessed the death of a fellow American Soldier and was actively engaged with the enemy on more then one occasion

His symptoms started while he was in country still... He wasn't sleeping, was angry and his behaviors changed... friends of ours who were with him said he changed the day the death occurred...

When he got home he started drinking... a LOT... a WHOLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE lot... He blew through $25k in 6 months (I'm sure it was fun I once spent $3000 in Target in one day and it was a BLAST) sadly he put a stripper though college and killed a nice chunk of his liver during his $25k bender where as I just furnished an apartment haha

It was odd, as quickly as he started drinking, he stopped... and he hasn't started again... it only lasted about 6 months and that was 4 years ago...

After he got into K9 things changed quickly... It was hard to tell what was a symptom and what was just stress from being completely over worked

The months between finishing K9 school and him leaving for his second tour went quickly and are horribly fuzzy for me, he doesn't even remember them

We had 1 big fight that I remember... it changed me and it changed our marriage forever... I don't think I'll ever forget it... It was a few day before Christmas of 2009 and Josh was on CQ... I was pissed (as I was quite a bit back then) We got into a war at the Kennels and Kevin walked in... I didn't know Kevin yet at this point, I just knew he was the new Kennel Master at the time and Josh was not happy at all that he walked in on his screaming match we were having... Kevin pulled me into his office and what he said changed me... It changed the way I saw K9 and saw Josh's health...

He handed me a calendar and said "Your husband deploys in 90 days." and I was like "uh no he is leaving in April" and thats when he pointed to the calendar and said "I know. Your husband leaves in 90 days. If your fighting like this now with him in the US how are you going to hold your marriage together when he deployed?" He then took the time to explain to me what Josh's dog did, something noone had taken the time to do up to that point...

Thanks Kevin, you saved my marriage that day and I doubt you knew it...

While deployed the second time his symptoms got worse...

Nightmares, mood swings, panic attacks...

and then he came home and shit just hit the fans...

I'll add more to this tomorrow... Theres a handsome man standing in front of me asking me to cuddle before he goes to sleep :D



Disney Tips for PTSD (And military) Families



All the info I have is for the Walt Disney World resort in Orlando FL I have been there about 22 times and am kinda obsessed :D I've never been to the Disney Land resort so I don't feel I can give any info on it

The 2012-2013 Military Disney Deals for 2012-2013 came out the other day and its a 4 day hopper pass for $158 per person or a 4 day hopper+Water parks for $183 These prices are up from their last year discounts but are still about 50% off and now with the added discounts at their on property hotels most deff can't be beat!


Real quick before I forget! There are black out dates of the Military tickets here they are:
23 December 2012 - 2 January 2013 (No theme Park Use)
15 – 17 February 2013 (No theme Park Use)
25 March – 5 April 2013 (No theme Park Use)
4 July 2013 (No theme Park Use)
Ok next is Hotels... you have 3 options on this 1. is to stay on Disney Property, 2. is a hotel off property and 3. is a condo off property... Because of the size of your family I'm gonna recommend option #3 it gives you guys the most space but honestly option #2 is without a doubt the cheapest... I'll give you the figures on all 3 and you guys can pick what is best for your family grin
Option #1, On Property:
Up until about 2 weeks ago I would say don't even think about it but when Disney released their 2012-2013 deals, they changed up 1 thing, they are now giving discounts at resorts other then Shades of Green...
40% off Deluxe Resorts
35% off Moderates and Fort Wilderness Cabins
30% off Value Resorts including Art of Animation
Disney World Room Blockout dates:
22 – 24 November 2012
23-31 December 2012
25 March - 4 April 2013
The Deluxe resorts start at $265 a night going up to $3730 a night (I would LOVE to know what could possibly make a hotel worth that much ahahh) At the discount they start at $159
The Moderate/Fort Wilderness start at $159 ($104 Discounted), the cabins (Which is what I would recommend for your family if your going to pick on property due to how many they sleep) start at $285 a night ( $186 a night at the discount)
The value resorts start at $84 a night ($59 a night discounted) which really isn't that bad the Value resorts are VERY family friendly
I have personally stayed in all of these resorts and Fort Wilderness was my fave it gives you the feeling of camping but your in a hotel room and maid service comes daily (My kinda camping!)
The up sides to staying on property: You don't have to drive anywhere, just park your car and use the Disney transportation system, you save $14 a day in parking
The down side: Your stuck on Disney property and stuck eating at their restaurants which while amazing are VERY expensive! When we were there, just a normal lunch cost $20 a person... Dinner was $26 a person for no joke a plate of pasta...
Option #2 is an off property hotel:
This is a good option if you guys are ok all squeezing together like my family was when I was growing up grin $29.99 a night in that area will get you a decent hotel room (Red roof inn, Howard Johnson, Econo Lodge, Travel lodge kinda thing... nothing spectacular but its a room, its cheap and its clean)
Upside: you can get away from the Disney craziness, Food is affordable, you can go to other parks (Seaworld, Universal Studios)
Downside: $14 a day to park which honestly with the new discounts at the Value Resorts puts you at almost the same cost nightly
Option #3: a Condo
This is my personal fave! AFVclub.com offers hundreds of condos to military families at HUGE discountshttp://www.afvclub.com/search_resorts/search_results&swdate=12/2012&mlid=175 Thats a link to the Disney area condos grin
$369 for a week ($50 off that if you book online! it breaks down to about $52 a night before the discount) gets you a condo that can sleep 6, with a full kitchen, dining room, living room, and multi bedrooms! There are many to look at, and pick which is best for you!
I've stayed with them before and the rooms are beautiful, the service is great and they have a wonderful cancel policy if things change
Upside: You can cook in your room saving TONS of money on food... We ate breakfast in the room and then would start the crock pot before we left in the morning and go back to the condo at Dinner time to eat! Even if you only ate breakfast in the room and did the crock pot once your looking at hundreds in savings, then all the same perks as the off property hotel grin
Downside: same as above, and there is no room service at condos
Honestly, due to the new discounts at on property resorts I'd really take a look at them grin


Now for the PTSD part of this...

 Josh and I have gone three together since he was diagnosed with PTSD... Once as just a couple in June of 2011, and more recently in July of 2012 with my parents and brothers and once in December of 2012 for the Christmas events... Josh did SHOCKINGLY well on all trips (I was dumbfounded... I'm not gonna lie I was expecting quite a few breakdowns and only had one!)


All times we went we went for more then 7 days... That time line worked well for us because it gave him MAJOR down time and we were able to take our time and see everything rather then feeling rushed to go to the park everyday and stay from 9am-midnight which is stressful for a healthy family let alone one with the added stresses caused by PTSD.

Disney is VERY accommodating to their guest so as soon as you get to the park go to Customer Service (I recommend the one at the Magic Kingdom its right inside the park gates on mainstreet USA at Town Hall) and explain to them your situation they gave our family a pass to skip lines by going in though the exit, this really helped in the sense that he wasn't standing in line for hours surrounded by tons of people feeling like he can't get out... it also helped that he was able to walk away quickly if the stress got to be too much (We only had to walk out of 2 rides thankfully but knowing we could at any time was a huge help for him!) They will ask you how long your planning to stay in the area (Up to 14 days) and how many people are in your party (Up to 6) and give you a pass for that long... This goes without saying but don't take advantage of their kindness If the line is less then 15 minutes long, wait in it like everyone else... We mainly used our pass for major attractions that had fast pass access and could stress him out quickly.

**** update: Disney has recently changed their policies on guest assistance passes due to the overwhelming amount of abuse to their system which breaks my heart. I haven't been down there since the change to know personally how they will handle a situation like ours with such a cut and dry veteran disability with documents and what not but I know according to their website, it's now only for wheelchairs or those with service dogs.

Another big thing a lot of people don't know is they are currently doing parades more then once on Main Street USA at night... Josh DID NOT like these parades at all (Honestly neither did I people are rude and only care about "THEIR CHILD" and don't care how they effect anyone else as long as their kid has the best view) The street is crowded and its the only way in or out of the Magic Kingdom... Unless you know the secret :D

All the stores on Main Street USA are connected on the inside so you can walk from the gates of the Magic Kingdom all the way to the entry of Tomorrowland though stores... These stores are also pretty sound proof so if your soldier has a hard time with fireworks or crowds its a great place to run and hide... I had to pull Josh into the stores on more then one occasion and it worked great for us!
We also found that if after each ride he took time to sit down, have a soda or a snack and smoke he was able to better handle it.

We also found that taking the trip "Slow" helped. We were careful not to spend too much time in the parks and didn't rush from attraction to attraction. 



Below is an example of our most recent trip:

June 30- Drove to FL leaving VA at Midnight and arriving at about 1pm... We checked into a hotel and went to sleep
July 1- Woke up early and was at MGM when the park opened, we went on 4 rides and then left the park completely going to Chili's for a quiet lunch. We then returned to Animal Kingdom where we stayed for about 4 hours and then went back to our condo. We went out to Dinner with my family before returning to the Magic Kingdom for about 2 hours... We found this was a little much for Josh and it ended in quite a fight so we agreed we would not be returning to the Magic Kingdom at night (The Parades and people were just too much for him)

July 2- We slept in til about 10am and then went to Typhoon Lagoon from about 5pm, We went back to the condo, showered, changed and went to Downtown Disney for a very short amount of time just to walk around... Nice, quiet day :D

July 3- We went to EPCOT in the morning (Josh had quite an episode and we had to leave quickly... we spent about 3 hours driving in circles around the Disney property while he calmed down) we then went back to EPCOT for a short time (Like I think we went on one ride) before leaving and going over to MGM to meet up with my family... They went to see Fantasmic! (My fave Disney show we'll talk about about that in a bit!) and Josh and I walked around, I went on a few rides... He didn't feel right the rest of the night so we just walked around quietly and wanted to get home before the rush (which we did) I got very lucky this was the only meltdown of this trip and he woke up the next morning totally ok!

July 4- We went to Universal Studios (My mom had tickets left over from a prior trip) We didn't stay long at all the weather was REALLY crappy and personally I just don't like Universal LOL We went back to the room and relaxed for the night and avoided fireworks at all costs

July 5- Another calm day... woke up late, relaxed, went to Downtown Disney to "Disney Quest" and then to a concert (I surprised Josh with tickets to see one of his favorite bands) I was SHOCKED by how well he handled the concert being how loud and crowded it was

July 6- This was BY FAR the most go-go-go day we had... I have a think for pictures and on this day my goal was to get ALL my pictures done! We started at the Magic Kingdom and I believe the only ride we went on there was Splash Mountain (Like I said, I like pictures haha I wanted one picture of the whole family and I got it!) we then went over to Epcot and walked around all the countries in the World Showcase stopping to take pictures at each one and eat in Morocco (Highly recommend it! The food was amazing!!!!) We then walked to the almost exit of the park, down by the Spaceship Earth Ball and watched the fireworks... Far enough away they were quieter but close enough we could see them it worked really well

July 7- Another quiet day... Just at Typhoon Lagoon a little while then home and relaxing... We laughed and drank in the hot tub... He seemed calm and happy

July 8- Our last day at Disney (Boo!!) We went to the Magic Kingdom at around 1pm and then over to MGM to finish off our trip We had a wonderful dinner at the 50s Cafe... a wonderful end to a wonderful trip!

Notice how we took days off between big park days...  We found the days off helped him and leaving the park completely to eat helped as well 

Next thing we'll talk about is the shows:

I *HIGHLY* recommend the Fantasmic! Firework show at MGM its amazing!! When we went, we made sure to sit in the last row of seating at the top of the arena where we coulda gotten out quickly if we needed to, we also made sure to leave right before the end of the show to beat the rush of people (That arena seats THOUSANDS and its like a stampede when it lets out)

Magic Kingdom has the Electric Parade which if you have kids is a must see but you have to do it carefully the crowds are overwhelming I recommend watching from the steps of Town Hall very close to the exit to the park and Town Hall is sound Proof and normally rather empty so its somewhere to hide out if needed... Right after the Electric Parade is the Wishes firework show right over the Castle, you can see it from same spot on the steps and again be able to go inside if needed

Epcot has Illuminations: Reflections of Earth  The best place to watch this show from is "France" in the world showcase but the crowds there are massive so I recommend watching from right outside of "The Land" or down by the Space Ship Earth ball... yes your view will be impaired but there are FAR less people and you can get out quick if needed 

I don't believe Animal Kingdom has fireworks (Correct me if I'm wrong)

Please leave any questions for me (or Josh) in the comments section and we'll be quick to answer! 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Maybe I over reacted... At first.

It started like any other fight. It was Oct 26th... I was looking forward to Halloween, to thanksgiving, to our first holiday together since Christmas of 2008...

Josh had promised me that he would have All holidays off that year... He swore it.. Then he called and his whole story changed... He was put on CQ because we were the only family without kids and "someone had to do it" I lost my shit. Looking back, I went a little over board with how upset I was but think about how you would feel?

My husband had just completed his second tour of Afghanistan and noone in this unit besides him have ever deployed and here they were putting HIM on cq just because we didn't have kids! How unfair is that?! I'd love to have children if they woulda stopped deploying him long enough we would have kids but while these guys were shamming it up at Ft Myer having back to back babies my husband was serving his country in a war zone!

So that's what started the fight... I wanted him off so we could spend thanksgiving with my family... By the time this story ends he was off on thanksgiving but we weren't with my family and our lives would never be the same...

That fight, a fight that I thought was just like any other wasn't for him... He went to work the next day and checked himself into a psych unit.. He claims now that he did it to hurt me thinking they would hold him for 24-72 hours and it would be just a little thing to scare me... (it worked) but it got super serious and way outta control VERY quickly...

The doctors were lying to us telling me one thing, him something else and playing us against each other it was sick...

They decided to transfer him to a 28 day program in PA called Roxbury I was against this from the moment I looked at their website it was for drug and alcohol treatment and Josh had neither of those issues!

The doctors wouldn't listen and as soon as they heard me say No they did the worst thing ever

I had medical POA at the time and they couldn't convince Josh to take it from me so they took it from me. They convinced his chain of command I was a danger to him and had an MPO put on me that overrode my medical POA it was the worst week of my life

To not know where he was and not be able to talk to him and not know if he was ok was terrifying and it only made him sicker he refused all treatments during that week at the new hospital he was transferred to

They wasted a week of his treatment for no reason

I was proud that he wouldn't talk to anyone til he talked to me...

We've spent almost a year trying to fix the damage those doctors and his unit did to him, me, and our marriage

They had no right to hurt us the way they did and I refuse to let them win.

From the iPhone of Sherie Tucker :)

I've always wanted to start a post like that hahaha! I just downloaded the blogger app which will make updates a million times easier :)

My next post which will be up tomorrow will be much different then most it's gonna be the low down on Disney World and how a military fame on a budget CAN do it and how a family with a soldier with PTSD can do it and enjoy it and be safe :) I'm so excited to share this next post!!!

Random 2012 :D

I'm starting to get very excited for our random 2012 trip...

Every year of our marriage Josh and I go on a "random" trip...We just get in the car and drive!

2008- SeaTac Washington
2009- Burnie, TX
2010- Redding, Cali
2011- Fargo, North Dakota

We've been talking about our random 2012 for a while and don't like that it has been pushed off to the end of the year but oh well atleast its getting done :D

We're going the first weekend of October and I think we're gonna drive South-West we've done all of the north and all of the south already and we did North-west while driving from WA here so yeah I think we're gonna go South West but who knows :D

GETTING EXCITED!

I'll add pictures to this as the trip gets going :D

I Do... Take 2

Someone ask me about our "big" wedding so I figured if I was gonna type up the whole story I might as well make a blog outta it :D Here it goes:

We got married for real on December 29,2008 It was perfect and looking back I wish I wouldn't have had a big wedding I wish we woulda just kept this as our wedding... Only close friends were there and there was no drama... Just love :D and I looked *HOT*










That was our first wedding... thats the wedding we celebrate... but our "Big Wedding" the take 2 wedding was a nightmare... Everything that coulda gone wrong, went wrong.


I wanted a child free wedding and being that I was the bride I don't see any reason why it would be so hard to just give me that 1 simple thing I wanted... Can't get a babysitter? Sorry thats a YOU problem

But ofcourse my effing family couldn't give me that ONE FRIGGIN THING I wanted...

I have a VERY strained relationship with my mom's family... I adore my grandmother and I'm REALLY close to her but anything past her is very difficult...

My aunt brought her 2 kids and both of them are monsters... the one was 16 at the time and just a bitch she's so into herself its sick She had the nerve to request the song "Just a Dream" by Carrie Underwood (I just loaded the song into the next blog if you don't know it)

Her other kid, was 10 at the time and threw a fit in my reception... and instead of taking the kid out, they just let her scream WTF?!

It was NOT a child friendly reception and I don't understand why people think its ok to bring their kids to places they are clearly not wanted... I was very careful to address the invite to "Mr and Mrs" not "The ____ Family" or "Mr and Mrs ____ and family"

Then the next issue we had was I wanted pictures of this beautiful staircase at the reception venue (The stairs were one of the big reasons I picked the venue) but the people who were at the upstairs wedding kept walking down the stairs not caring that I was trying to take my pictures... I know it sounds whiny but they had their chance to get their pictures its like be respectful you got your photos let me have mine!

My pictures came out awful I was SO disappointed with them

Josh and I fought almost the whole day and yeah it was a nightmare...

It was the biggest waste of $25K EVER!!!





Josh and I are talking about having a do over wedding... just us... far far away from here where noone can mess it up... 

Monday, September 17, 2012

Honest

The theme for today is a little drug induced honesty... All drugged up with noone where to go and noone to talk to I figured why not?

I just finished watching the season (Possibly series final) of Army Wives... I've seen every episode and used to truly love the show... I used to be able to totally relate to it but this season its kinda sucked if you ask me...

The eppie ended with 1st Brigade deploying (again)... Deployment is a funny thing... something that unless you've been there will never understand you can run your mouth all you want about how your an Army (Military) wife and all separations are hard and blah blah blah all you want but deployments are different... Personally I don't feel your truly a military wife (Or truly a soldier for that matter) til you've done one.

My husband has done 2 and I can honestly say I am so thankful thats all he will ever do... I don't ever want to have to live like that again...

The time leading up to the deployment was worse then the true deployment for me... I went kinda crazy... I remember about 3 days before he left I went and took a long bath and when the water finally got cold, I got out, walked into the living room wearing only a towel and screamed "CANT YOU JUST GO ALREADY?! Just go and  get this started so it can end!"

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who compare the field (Basic/AIT/any school/any TDY) to a deployment... I don't care how long your husband is gone for, if its not a deployment, you don't understand. Its a different kind of pain its something that unless you've been there you can't explain or understand... Its more then just missing him... its an empty sunken feeling...

When he left the second time I remember driving back home and thinking to myself "How is everyone else's life just going on" I saw people walking on the sidewalks, playing with their kids in the yard, going about their day and it made no sense to me how their lives were just going and mine was frozen in place...

It makes me NUTS that some guys get to sham out their whole careers and never go while others have to go every other year its just not fair... I don't think you should be allowed VA benefits if you've never deployed... Wow I'm being a lot more honest right now lol I haven't been this open about my feelings before...

People who fake PTSD and claim they have it when they don't are the reason people like my husband, and my friends husbands who are truly sick can't get treatment... Its sick.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Attics and basements

What is it about Attics and basements that scare us so much? Almost all horror movies involve one of those at some point... Personally I'm crazy about horror movies... I love the shivers down my spine feeling, if a movie scares me so much I have to wake Josh up at 2am to talk to the bathroom with me I call it a success! It's all fun and games if you ask me... We all know there's no monster under the bed and nothing in the dark is going to hurt you... It's the thrill of the unknown... Of what you can't see that could hurt you...

But what do you do when the nightmares aren't fake but memories? What do you do when the monsters aren't just make up and graphic design but real? What happens when you can't wake up?

I know my monsters aren't real, I know its all fun and games no one is gonna get hurt... But Josh's monsters are real... His don't go away when the movie ends or when the lights come on or when halloween ends...

People think I'm lazy because I sleep all day... What they don't know is that I am up all night...

I sit up and watch Josh sleep... Sometimes I play online, sometimes I watch reruns of favorite shows, Sometimes I clean the bedroom, lately I've been writing and coloring a lot... But all night I sit and watch him... I don't dare close my eyes til his alarm has gone off at 4:15am and I have him safely off to work... Even then sometimes sleep won't come for me...

Most mornings I sit up til he calls or texts me that he has made it to work only then do I curl up and sleep...

People don't know that... all they see is some crazy chick who sleeps all damn day and never seems to get anything done...

I have to stay up.. I have to watch him to make sure he's ok... Sometimes he wakes up screaming, other times his whole body moves like he's fighting someone I can't see, still other times he sweats so bad the bed is dripping wet and I have to wake him up to change the sheets... I sit by his sit and rub his back with a cool wash cloth... Strip him down to just boxers and turn the fan up as high as it will go... Whisper in his ear that everything is ok...

I long to say to him "Its ok sweetheart its just a nightmare" or "Go back to sleep my love it wasn't real" But I can't. His nightmares ARE real. His nightmares happened... His monsters are real people... His fears aren't made up or paranoia...

How do I protect him from his own memories?

Then theres my memories... the ones that I try so hard to lock away...

I'm not scared of ghosts or monsters or the dark... I'm scared of doctors and the army and Josh not picking up his phone

I'm scared of history repeating itself and I don't know how to get past that fear...