Triggers

The weirdest things trigger my anxiety :/ I was just scrolling though FB and saw a post about a homeless man and his dog and the thought of that poor puppy, or any puppy, going hungry made me sick and got me thinking about Guinness and how Id give anything for her and then my mind goes right back to the MEB...

I know that no matter how bad it gets Guinness, as well as Josh and I will be taken care of worst case even if we did lose the house as a result of the MEB we can go back to NJ my parents would never turn is away but I can't help but worry...

I wish I knew what was going to happen I wish I knew when he would be getting out and what our rating will be so I can plan our future...

The not knowing is the most stressful part...

Right now were in the car headed up to NJ for Christmas so I better stop typing before I can car sick :/

Sisters

I always wanted a sister ever since I was a little girl but sadly I have 2 younger brothers and ended up marrying an only child so all hope for a sister was lost... Or so I thought.

When I got married I had no idea about friendship, I had no idea how strong of a bond could be formed and how quickly it could happen.

When Josh deployed, I learned what true friendship was... I don't care what anyone says the women you go though deployment with are the best friends you will ever have

Those are the women who hugged me while I watched Josh board a plane... Who held my hand as I walked out of the airport not sure if I'd ever see him again, who's lap I laid on while waiting for a call when he was medivaced to BAF, who's shoulder I cried on, who I called in the middle of the night just to hear someone tell me everything would be ok...

And all those things they did for me I e done for them... For all the things I say bad about the army this is one thing I can thank them for... Thank you for giving me the best friends a girl could ever ask for... The it's never to late I'm on my way don't worry your never alone kinda friendships

I always wanted a sister... and thats when I realized I had one.

Dear MEB board...

So today I spent my day writing a letter to the MEB board explaining how Josh's injury has effected our lives... How weird a letter of 5 or 6 lines took me all day... I couldn't figure out the words to use, how do you express in words how much something hurts, how lonely you are, how scared you are, how scarred you are, how broken you are...

How do you show them who he was is not who they returned to me... The man who left is not the man who came home...

The only way I can explain it in words is this song by Reba McEnryre... The song is called "She can't save him" th song is about a drunk but it kinda fits PTSD too... Ill post the song a little later...

I won't be posting the letter... Not til the MEB is complete and due to the fact that we are now talking to JAG about his Narsum I can no longer talk about the MEB on here or give any more details about his injury for the time being... Only about me :/

I'm going to keep writing in my personal diary as we go though this process and as soon as our attorney gives me the go ahead ill post it all

I worry about the MEB I worry about what is going to do to our lives if hell be able to work if he can be a cop like he wants...

I hope so...

Criminal minds

Lets be clear up front: Criminal Minds is *not* bed time TV for paranoid ladies who live in NoVa lol

I just went around the house and made sure every window is closed set the alarm and locked the dog in the room with me (Josh is sleeping in our room and I chose to go in the spare room because I'm sick and coughing and snoring so rather then keep us both us I'm in the other room)

And yet my dumb ass can't just turn off the show grrr

Sometimes I wish I could just turn off the paranoia...

The big thing going on for us right now is the MEB is about to go to the PEB... I'm in the process of writing a letter to the PEB explaining how Josh's Injury has effected our lives :/

After the paperwork goes to the PEB we have about 90 days left in the Army which seems so unreal...

I really wonder what our life is gonna be like... I'm most scared of our mortgage... I hope and pray we get enough of a rating to make it til the post 911 GI bill bah kicks in

Ok I'm off to bed for tonight ill write more tomorrow :)

Disney Trip (At Home)

So we went to Disney and it was utterly amazing. It was the best weekend we've had in a long long time!

We got there on Thursday night and ate dinner at Uno's Pizza... I expected to get there and get the car and get to the hotel much faster then we did... We didn't end up getting there until about 10pm and were so tired... Our hotel had a sleep number bed and OMG it was amazing it was like sleeping on a cloud...

On Friday morning we got up and picked up our tickets for the park and the concert and then went back to the hotel, Josh went to a store to buy an Ipad while I took a nap and when he got back we went swimming... it was so cool to go swimming outside in Dec haha Then we got showered and changed and headed to Downtown Disney... We ate dinner at House of Blues then walked around for a bit until the concert started It was a really good show and it was amazing to see Josh acting like his old self.. I was shocked by how well he handed the crowd, it was a sold out show and honestly it was so crowded that I even had quite a bit of trouble dealing with it... I was able to get him an autographed poster and it was the first time in a LONG time I've seen his eyes light up like that

We got back to the hotel at around 1am and went right to sleep... and were up early the next morning to go to the parks...

We went to Epcot and Hollywood Studios on Sat... We were there from about 10:30am-8:30pm and were SHOT by the time we got home! We spent most of the day with my cousins (Great time!) then hopped over to Hollywood Studios to see the Osborne Family Lights and they were utterly unreal like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen there were thousands and thousands and thousands of lights on ever surface

On Sunday we slept in and relaxed around the resort, swam for a bit, ate a quiet dinner at the Buffet at Shades of Green before heading over to Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party at the Magic Kingdom... It was a great night we were there from 7-11pm and there were like zero lines... we got on every ride, got some pretty great pictures taken for our Christmas cards, met the Princesses (LOL!) and watched the Holiday "Wishes" Fireworks show over the castle

On Monday we were supposed to go home but neither of us wanted to hehe So we changed our hotel reservations and our flights and stayed at Shades of Green another night just relaxing at the resort... swimming, walking around the grounds, spending time together... it was perfect <3

At night on Monday right before we went to bed I sat on the balcony of our room and watched the fireworks at the Magic Kingdom... I wanted Josh to watch with me but he said he couldn't handle it and asked me to shut the sliding door if I was going to watch so I did...

It was a fantastic trip and we agreed that we're gonna try to do something like this every 3-6 months a small get away just the 2 of us :D

The next one we are planning is to Cali for the Winchester Mystery House hehe

That was the good part of the week the bad part is I'm sick now (BOOOO) So I'm gonna go back to sleep :(

I'll add pictures to this later! Night All!

Disney Trip (Written On the plane there)

Disney 2012-Take 2

So as many of you know by now I’m kind of a Disney addict! No, that’s an understatement hehe I would live on Main St USA if given the option! As I write this I am sitting on a Southwest flight headed straight for the happiest place on earth and its taking everything I have to control myself excitement!

The plan for this trip is as follows:

Land in Orlando International Airport at 6pm, pick up rental car, drive to hotel

We plan to lay low tonight, relax at the resort maybe go to dinner at the Orlando Ale House (A fave restaurant of mine) but more then likely we’re gonna end up ordering pizza and chilling in the hot tub I’d also like to get a few chapters of Life After Homecoming the book written I find it easier to write when I’m at a hotel, Esp when I’m at a hotel alone so I may send Josh out for a while to go explore the city or head over to Downtown Disney’s Disney Quest attraction which I know he’s a big fan of

Tomorrow morning at 10:30 we have to go pick up tickets to the concert and Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party from my cousin who was awesome and bought them ahead of time for me :D

Then then its back to the hotel to lay in the sun by the pool til our dinner reservation at 4:30pm at Downtown Disney (We’re eating at Raglon Roads the Irish pub over there tomorrow night)

The Rise Against concert is from 7-who knows when

On Sat morning we’re going to get up bright and early and head over to Epcot (Hopefully around 9:30am-ish) spend the day there then head over to Hollywood Studios at night to see the Osborne Family Lights

On Sunday we are debating going to Sea World in the morning but we’ll see how it all pans out then at night we’re headed to The Magic Kingdom for Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party from 7-midnight

Monday morning we fly back home in the morning (Boo!!)

It should be an eventful and exciting weekend!

I’m already starting to plan my next trip to Disney! (I try to get there about every 6 months or so thank GOD for the Military Discount they offer it makes the trip so much more affordable!!!)

The next time I go I am bringing a bunch of girlfriends with me which should be loads of fun! Right now I’m in the very beginning stages of planning that trip trying to pick if Shades of Green, one of the All Star resorts, a Fort Wilderness Lodge or an off property hotel is our best bet…

When I get to Orlando tonight I’m going to create a group for the ladies who are going on the trip so we can start planning and get the ball rolling I wanna get the reservations early so we get the resort we want, the room we want at the price we want!

The next time Josh and I are planning to go is in November of 2013 I know that already We’re gonna head down for the Food and Wine Festival at Epcot which just so happens to fall on my birthday! Works out perfect!! I’m gonna start booking that as soon as I get home as well for the same reason. I’m really not sure which way I wanna go for us on the next trip I’m gonna talk to Josh about it when he finishes watching the show he has on his ipod…

Thoughout this trip I’ll be updating with pictures, tips, ideas and little hints :D Any questions feel free to ask I know Disney upside down and inside out!

Ok time for me to turn off the laptop I’m starting to get a headache hehehe Talk soon!!!

The dark

Lately it seems the dark is a huge topic for me... I wish I could enjoy it again... I wish I wasn't so scared of it :/ I used to love it and now sitting here surrounded by it is enough to make me crazy... My mind wonders and I don't like where it goes... I wanna think about how in 3 days well be on a plane to Disney but instead it goes to dark places... To last year...

When we get to Disney I set it up that well have almost a full day in FL before we have to do anything so I am packing Josh's ps3 and the laptop so he can play and I can write in the hotel

I'm excited about the hotel were staying at... I've stayed there many times before and the beds are like dreams... I love the way it's like sleeping on a cloud and the blankets are so soft and warm its like being wrapped in one hehe

We're only gonna be there for 4 nights but we have a lot planned for those nights!

Thursday we're traveling and then relaxing, Friday at 7pm is the concert (Rise Against... Josh is so excited!!), Sat at 9am we are meeting my cousin at Epcot for a full day of Disney fun,, Sunday we are going golfing in the morning and then at 7pm we have Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party! And then Monday we head back home ;(

It'll be a fun filled jam packed weekend but I'm excited we really need to get away and as crazy as this sounds I sleep better at hotels there aren't any memories there which makes things a lot easier for me... I don't feel like the past is watching me...

Honestly if we didn't own this house I'd have already asked Josh if we could move... I really thought about selling our nearly brand new living room set because I think of the bad night every time I look at it but that's retarded I can't go getting rid of our $2000 living room set... We got it the day everything hit the fans...

Last night I had the oddest dream and I wish I could explain it in a way that would make any sense to anyone who's reading this but I can't :/ the basics of it was that I joined the Red Cross and was sent to Iraq on a relief mission and saw all the things Josh always talks about but it makes no sense because Josh has never been to Iraq he went to Afghanistan on both deployments?? I dunno... Ill have to google it all tomorrow and see if it means something :/

Well ok Josh is sleeping now so I'm gonna turn How I met your Mother back on so I can sleep too... Night all!!

All holidays

Today is an important day for us... For the first time in our marriage we have officially spent every holiday for a full year together... It feels weird :/ I wonder how long it's going to take for the concept of seeing him every day and sleeping with him every night will seem normal...

I mean it still blows my mind that he's never deploying again... It's very freeing to me I don't feel like I have to spend every day with him, I feel freer to travel and visit friends and spend time apart because I know he's not going anywhere its a good feeling :)

Night

I hate night... I used to love it I used to love the dark I used to love the quiet but now it's my enemy... As I lay here, sleep meds in I wanna just go to sleep but I can't I have to turn on the TV low... Just loud enough that I can hear it... Just loud enough that it blocks it my thoughts...

I used to love nighttime and I hope sometime soon I will again...

This time last year...

One year ago today I was sitting in a hotel in Petersburg VA... They only had the king suite left so there my ass was sitting in this huge room which had to have been bigger then our first apartment all alone eating a salad at the desk with the TV on because the silence was enough to make me want to vomit (I guess that's when my whole sleeping with the TV on thing started...)

I had just visited my husband in the psych ward of all places and while I was so glad I got to see him and he was ok and our marriage was totally fine and everything I had been told was a lie I was so emotionally drained and all I could think about was how tired I was, how lonely I was and how I could wait for the night to end so I could be with him again...

Poplar Springs was so good to both of us... When I finally made it there it was well past visiting hours and they still let me in and had dinner waiting for me it was so kind of them and I instantly felt like I could trust them and knew Josh was being taken care of.

I'm just so glad this day is over and as much as I love my birthday I really think its always going to be scarred by the memories of what happened last year... Sad but true...

No urge

I don't want to write... I don't want to do anything... Right now I just want to cry but I don't know why... I just want it all to stop... I just want the stress and anger gone... I keep thinking "I just want to go home" but I look around and I'm in my own house but this doesn't feel like home...

Midnight Lunesta rambles :D

I have had an amazing trip I know I see in my last posts that I didn't but I have I just hope that next time some people stay far far away from me ahha Wow I was really hoping to write a lot more but I'm like half asleep already BOO!! I'm going to save this tonight and let the laptop charge so I can write while on the plane Talk then!

Writing retreat day 2 part 2

Day 2 part 2

The Writers Market~~Book about how to publish a book

Exercise #2 you’re going out for errands, Describe Sightsmell sound touch taste

I was walking away from the hospital it was like 1000lb hadbeen lifted off me He was safe and alive and he loved me and nothing bad wasgoing to happen. I slid into the truck, the seats were freezing against myexposed arms what was I thinking wearing a short sleeve shirt this time of yearand I quickly pulled the door shut and put the key into the ignition it waslike I couldn’t get the heat on fast enough. I put my head back against therest and took a few deep breathes so relieved that I was able to see him,smiling to myself as I looked down at the paper in my hand. It was withoutquestion the oddest birthday card I had ever received saying simply “Happy 24^thBirthday!! I love you more then the Army! Please go to Walmart and get me thefollowing” What a very “Josh” note I love you I need Get me. Even on mybirthday after all I had been though somehow It still goes back to him. Onlychild syndrome never goes away and just gets worse with age I guess! Finallythe car was warmed up enough that I could leave and I flipped on the GPSsearching for the nearest walmart in and was shocked to find that there was one1.1 miles away I looked around and couldn’t fathom where a walmart would justsprout up in the middle of the forest that surrounded the parking lot I wassitting in, but then again who would expect a psychiatric hospital to be there?The sound of TomTom yelling at me blared loud though the speakers and I jumped,startled by how the sound broke the silence. As I drove the steering wheelburned my hands it was so cold it felt like I was being stabbed and I cursedmyself for forgetting my gloves in Jersey. I could still taste the cupcake hisnurse had given me. He told her that I would be visiting on my birthday and hefelt bad he couldn’t go out to get me a cake or gift so she brought me acupcake and broke all the rules by allowing a lit candle on the ward. I wasglad he was at the hospital he was at they were helping him and I felt  sure that they would take care of him. Forthe first time in a long time it didn’t kill me to drive away from him I knewhe was safe. I got to walmart and started to wander around I had a few hours tokill before bed and his list wasn’t that long, I ended up picking him up a fewother nick nakes and some snacks I knew he would love but had forgotten to listand again was hit with the irony that here I was shopping for gifts for him onmy birthday! The store had just put out its Christmas displays and I was overcome by the smells of Christmas…. Gingerbread, sugar cookie, pine trees… and ittook everything I had not to cry… The Christmas before I had been alone, he wasin Afghanistan and this Christmas he was in a Psych ward… Fan Freakin’ Tasic… Iquickly wiped away my tears and grabbed a small pre lit tree and smiled as Irealized regardless of where we were it would still be better than last yearbecause we’d be together. Far from perfect, Far from Normal, But mostdefinitely Better.

I’m getting annoyed again everything is going back to kidsand the same woman who they were paying all the attention to yesterday… Shealways seems to get the most time and its really annoying she just talks aboutthe same thing over and over and over 45 mins and we leave for dinner then Ibelieve we have free time… I wonder what dinner is going to be tonight lastnight it was amazing we went to Southern Hospitality

Goawker.com

Assignment #3

Subject: New Mother

Setting: Wedding

Time: After a flight

Challenge: Something embarrassing has just happened

Jenna walked into the reception with red circles around hereyes it was clear she had been crying and beneath the red was black. She hadn’tslept in days and now she was fighting with her husband because he wouldn’ttake the baby long enough for her to get dressed.  The result was spit up all over the front ofher dress, it took her an extra 30 mins to clean up the mess and get out thedoor to the wedding now he was standing next to her but honestly she wanted himnowhere near her. As she walked in she noticed people were staring at her andshe couldn’t figure out why she looked in the mirror and she looked ok… Didn’tshe? Finally her sister walked up to her and said “Um did you look down beforeyou left the house” and Jenna replied “no why? Should I have?” “Um yeah” hersister said looking at her like she was nuts “Unless you planned to wear acocktail dress with fuzzy blue slippers! Jenna stood in shock and couldn’tbelieve what she had done in her sleep deprived state. Her husband came overlooking to redeem himself and offered to run down the street and get her a pairof flip flops it worked.

Writing retreat Day 2 Part 1

Day 2 part 1

I don’t like silence. I used to love it. There was a timenot long ago when I would happily sit in a room all alone with a good book andnot a sound to be heard, where I would seek out the quietest place I could findand lock myself away there, now it scares me. My monsters live in the silence, they take over anytime the TV goes offor the music stops or during any break in conversation.  I feel like I’m reliving what happened everytimeI’m alone, I used to love to sleep in the dark but now I have to have the TV onor the silence makes it so no sleep can come. I go out of my way to avoid it and sadly I think this is how my life isgoing to be for a while.

I knew something was wrong as soon as I woke up. I felt itand I knew that something awful was about to happen. He had texted me at about7:30am to tell me he was going to a doctor appointment and now here I was at1pm and hadn’t heard anything else, That wasn’t like him.

I can’t do this.

I can’t write that story just those 3 simple lines almostput me into a panic attack! I had to walk out of the room and take a breathoutside… I want Josh… I don’t like that I can’t get ahold of him right now Idon’t like that hes playing around on FB but can’t text me or call me back

He just called and we fought as normal We get stressed and fight

Hes at work but I need him… I always feel like hes alwayswith them when I need him… I need him!

I feel like I can’t sit here and listen to this woman whineeven more today Josh is really sick my life is really falling apart I’m just sosick of it I’m so sick of being stuck in this room with this woman complaininglike her bullshit matters THE KID WAS NEVER A MARINE!

Lets try again. I have to do this. I have to get past thisand if I don’t do it now I never will.

Driving back to the hospital the first time

I have to get home. I kept saying that over and over andover to myself. It was snowing but I had to get home I had no choice I had tobe there and I couldn’t move fast enough the truck wouldn’t move fast enough. Guinnesswas sitting on the passenger seat, looking at me as if asking if I knew what Iwas doing. I didn’t. I was on auto pilot I just had to get home. Josh hadcalled not long before telling me he needed me and he was sorry and begging meto come home I was in the car 20 minutes later. My feet were soaked and so coldI could barely feel them even with the heat on full blast. It had taken meabout 15 minutes just to get the snow off the truck enough to get moving andthe only shoes I had brought were cloth flats that were iced over from the snowI was standing in moments earlier. I kept hearing his voice telling me heneeded me and that drove me forward. My knuckles were white gripping thesteering wheel eyes set straight ahead I had to get there but I had to do itsafely for myself and for Guinness. I tried to get on to Rt 27 to get onto theturnpike and there was a cop t the road they had shut down Rt 27 due to thesnow and black ice he took me to go around and get on the turnpike Via Rt 1 andthe parkway. FUCK that’s going to add atleast an hour to my trip, an hour Ididn’t have to waste.

I kept driving… music on to block out my thoughts and keepme awake. I’ve been awake for days I can’t fall asleep I can’t breathe I can’trelax I need him.  I have to gethome.  He calls me and we talk calmlyabout how I’m driving back and the weather is awful and I’m scared.  I’ve never driven in snow like this but Idon’t have a choice I have no choices I have to get home. 

Finally I saw an end in sight as I got out of New Jersey Isaw the snow was beginning to slow and turn to rain Rain I could handle I candrive in rain no issue Rain doesn’t scare me We had just moved from WashingtonState where it rained every day I was thankful for the rain it felt cleansing.

I was so tired by the time I got home that I couldn’t figureout where my house went and it took me about 5 mins of driving up and down thestreet to realize I had turn down the wrong road.

But I made it. The 4 hour drive took me 9 hours and for thefirst time in 3 days I crawled into bed and was able to sleep because I knew in12 hours I’d be with him. I had to see him and see for myself that he was ok.

Writing exercise #1

Picture a snapshot from your childhood. Write down all thedetails you can write down everything you can what were you like

I was 15 and we were on vacation in Las Vegas. I didn’t wantto be there even then I didn’t see the point of bringing children to Vegas itwasn’t like we could do anything! My brothers Jimmy (12) and Robby (5), myparents and my grandparents. On this day we drove about 30 minutes north of thecity into Red Rock Canyon.  This was thefirst time I had ever seen mountains like that, the first time I had ever beenon the west coast and even though I didn’t know it at the time the closest Icame as a child to meeting my future husband. We later found out Josh wasstaying with his mom at the same hotel my family was staying at that week.  As we drove to the canyon I couldn’t get overhow beautiful it was and how annoyed I was that my cell phone wasn’t gettingservice preventing me from calling my best friend Travis I was used to talkingto him all day every day so not being able to was rather stressful for me.  I was wearing blue jeans and a black and pinkshirt that said Drama Queen all over it in sparkly words. I thought I lookedcool but looking back I feel the shirt made me look much younger then my trueage.  My hair was short, I had just cut15 inches off to donate to locks of love so my normally long flowing hair wascut into a short bob. My brothers were laughing next to me and my parents askedus to all pose together under a rock to get a picture for that years Christmascard. I had to hold Robby tight to make him stay still long enough to snap thephoto. I can hear my grandpa talking to me as he took the picture and lookingback its funny that he was the one to take this photo because years later thiswould be the picture that was placed beside him in his coffin. That was thelast vacation we took with my grandparents as a family and that day is the lastvideo I have of my grandfather on film. Anytime I see this picture I think ofhim and how much fun we had and how later that day he bought me the mostbeautiful blue turquoise earring that I wore in memory of him on my weddingday. 

Writing retreat Day 1 Homework

Our homework was to get VERY detailed about one story, I wanted to write about the hospital but I knew I would get very emotional and I was writing this late at night sooooo I chose Homecoming instead which clearly was a much happier time for us... a time before either of us knew how bad things were going to get... I miss that time...

I stayed up all night waiting for the call and long into the day.  I knew he was leaving Kuwait at 9pm his time but had no idea where he was stopping or for how long, all I knew was that some time in the next few hours my phone would ring and it wouldn’t show a 011 number or just a simple number 4 it would play “Irresistible” and <3 Josh <3 with a picture of him would show up on the screen. In a matter of a few hours he would be in the US and not long after that standing in front of me.

By the time he called I had been up for 36 hours and waiting by the phone like a psycho.  It was one of the most exciting moments of my life; I had waited 15 long months for that call. I was so excited I almost didn’t pick it up in time! When I finally calmed down enough to answer all I could do was squeal like a 5 year old into the phone and scream “WELCOME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He was not pleased with that hehe :D

Once I got all the squeaking out of my system he explained to me he still had to contact the Air Force to set up a flight from McGuirehe  AFB NJ back to Ft Lewis WA and we weren’t sure if he was going to fly into McChord AFB or into Sea Tac air port just yet.

Just our luck, he landed 15 mins after the Air Force left for a 4 day weekend for Easter so he was stuck in NJ for 4 days but it was ok I knew then that when that weekend ended he would be home and I really wanted to believe that he was safe and our lives would just pick up, I still believe that on some level even then I knew that wasn’t going to be the case.

He called me early in the morning on Monday and told me that he was able to get a flight and would be landing in SeaTac at 6pm then said the 4 most beautiful words any military wife could ever wish to hear “Baby I’m coming home” when we got off the phone I danced around the bedroom in slippers singing “MY HUSBANDS COMING HOME” into a hair brush.

I found out I was going to ride to the airport with his unit to pick him up and was told to be at the Kennels at 4pm ready to go, I was there at 3:30 jumping up and down.

We stopped at Taco Bell on the way to the airport, Josh said he wouldn’t speak to me unless I had a taco when he got off the plane.  We also stopped at the grocery store and I picked up one of those pre cooked Prime Rib steaks, Before he left I swore to his dog that if she got him home safe I’d greet her at the airport with Prime Rib she held up her end of the deal so I held up mine.

Finally we made it to SeaTac and the airport was kind enough to let me go though to the gate to meet him as soon as he got off the flight I stood by the gate shaking this was the moment I had waited 15 months for it was all leading up to this.  I had this whole image of Homecoming in my mind and saw myself running to him and jumping into his arms and holding him tight… What I forgot about in that vision was the 60lb Lab who he was bringing with him and who got very upset when I ran at him.  She ran between us and instead of hugging him I went face first into his chest as she tripped me!

As he caught me I looked up and saw he was really there that I was really touching him and for the first time in 15 months I was able to breathe

Writing retreat Day 1 Part 2

(After lunch, Day 1 part 2)

**Read Deep Survival

Writing exercise:

Imagine yourself looking out the living room window of yourhouse describe everything you see, in about 15 mins a 2^nd character walks into the room describe himor her they looke you in the eye  andsays something

I was sitting in the living room on the couch drinking a cupof tea wrapped up in a blanket. Normally I have music on or am watching TV buttoday it was quiet  and I was looking outthe window. I was watching as the leaves that not but a few days ago were greennow change to orange and yellows and fall to the ground slowly each time thewind blew. I watched as the kids across the street played in their front yardyelling loudly and laughing at each other I wondered what they were playing andwhat they were pretending to be.  Ithought to myself “We really need to get a land scaper” as I looked at the oncealive flower beds now full of dead plants and weeds I’ll make a call about thattomorrow I thought but today I just want to sip my tea.

After a while Josh walked into the room, he had just gottenback from getting his hair cut like he did every Sunday and I was struck by how“Soldier-ish” he looked. His hair cut into the mandatory High skin fade,wearing the black and white argial sweater I bought for him last year for ourChristmas pictures, pictures that were never taken.  I hate that sweater.  He has hazel eyes and today I was happy tosee they were green which meant he was in a good mood and he was smiling as hewaved a cell phone excitedly in my face “LOOK!!!!!” he yelled like a 5 year oldon Christmas morning “RISE AGAINST IS PLAYING A SHOW!! THEY NEVER PLAYANYWHERE!!” Wow. That was much more animated then I expected to say the leastand it snapped me out of my day dream about the leaves and back into the realworld I had to squeeze my eyes shut for a second to be able to focus on himproperly “Um Ok… Where are they playing” I asked calmly scared to death he wasgoing to tell me in like Germany or something wild “DISNEY WORLD! At DowntownDisney!!” was his answer, well that I could work with! He went on to explainthat it was on Nov 30^th and that he wanted to take me to see thelights at the Magic Kingdom to make up for how awful last Christmas was hewanted so badly to give me back the Christmas I had missed last year That I personally still feel he took from me Hetook my hand smiling and said “Lets go! Just book the tickets! Lets just GO!”and I did :D

I’m not gonna lie being in this group is seriously pissingme off…. I’m so tired and I just want to go to sleep so badly but I know wehave hours of writing and activities ahead of us (Its currently 2:30pm and theysaid we’ll be going til about 8:30) I think I’m gonna chug a 5hour energy andhope for the best ahha

 OMG it tastes awfulAHHHH Its supposed to be pink lemonade and its so not GAG!!! Ahhh I’m trying toswallow enough water to get the taste outta my mouth and its not working

 

I’m so excited to turn this into a book I can already see mybook in my head I can see the cover I can see people buying it and I want it! Iwant the book to be real I want it in my hends instead of in my head

***Contact publishing companies

JESUS These women are still talking about their fucking kidsSHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just talk about the illness and the injuries I don’twant to hear about kids!!!!!!

I’m missing Josh a lot right now I can feel him next to mebut I know he’s know it’s the weirdest thing being away from him makes me feellike he’s deployed again I saw him last night on Facetime before we went to bedand it was so strange to see him laying on our couch in our living room and notin a shack in Afghanistan… I had to do a double take and to make sure he wasreally there and I wasn’t seeing things

***Go into details about the drive to poplar springs, thedrive back to Belvoir and how Josh looked and how I felt seeing him atBelvoir,  Roxbury and Poplar Springs

“Bird by bird” go into details don’t go past what ishappening at this very moment

I’m so sick of hearing about these effing kids!!! This womanhas not talked about anything but her kids which makes me wonder what kind of awife she is as awful as that sounds it makes me wonder if shes neglecting herspouse because she’s so obsessed with her fucking kids

I wanna talk about the soldiers and the deployment and theinjuries not fucking kids!!!!

Assignment #2 Write about someone trying to persuade someoneto do something wrong ONLY duologue

Wow this is much MUCH harder for me!

Person 1:  We shouldgo to Waverly Hills Sanitarium tonight and walk around

Person 2: Uh isn’t that breaking and entering?

 Person 1: Yeah butwhos ever gonna know?

Person 2: The Police if we get caught?

Person 1: Who cares?

Person 2: Um me.. I’d really like to avoid jail tonight!

Person 1: Come on it ‘ll be SO cool I went last week andwalked around and it looked like they just got up and walked out one day no oneis anywhere around we’ll park down by the burger king and walk up so no onewill notice we are there its totally abandoned

Person 2: What  elseis there?

Person 1: The psych medical records are still in the filesand you can sit and read them! The IVs are still next to the beds and it lookslike it was just hooked up to someone this morning but theres dust everywhereand that’s all there is to tell you no one is there anymore its like a timewarp you have to see it!

Person 2: Fine! Ok Lets go just don’t get us arrested!

I want to start writing right now I want to just startwriting about what happened but I’m afraid to do it right this second because Idon’t think I could stop and I’m honestly afraid I’ll have a full blownbreakdown but I have so much I want to say and I’m so scared I’m going toforget it

Write about being afraid of the dark how I used to love thedark but now its when the voices are so loud and I second guess everythingthat’s going on so I have to sleep with the TV on to block out the voices toquiet them to make it so I can get any sleep at all

 OMFG I don’t want tohear this retard complain about her fucking daughter anymore THE GIRL WAS HURTIN FUCKING BASIC NOT WAR!!!!

Going through an MEB is nothinglike going to war! Nothing like being injured in combat

She went to congress to complain that this girls VApaperwork hadn’t gone though? WTF???

She’s sitting here sobbing like this is some kinda traumaticevent and its just so stupid to me I can’t stand her acting like the world isending because of something this stupid She’s all “I was afraid she’d killherself” blah blah blah SHUT UP ITS BASIC! Your not special your kid isn’tspecial!!

Shes all I didn’t feel like she was safe SHE WAS IN BASIChow was she not safe?!

Now shes bitching that they didn’t pay for her hotel andflight UM NOT THEIR JOB! That’s  theUSMC’s problem!

I feel like I have to get out of here I’m not sure I cankeep my mouth shut much longer

I can’t handle people acting like all injuries are createdequal I feel like this woman just wanted a free vacation because regardless ofwhat anyone says her daughter is NOT a wounded warrior shes just a woundedperson

Theres nothing about her that makes her a soldier or aMarine or whatever according to the USMC standards she WAS NEVER a USMCpersonally I don’t think recruits should be allowed in WWP

Josh just called me and I had to walk out of the seminarHe’s freaking out about the MEB and how if he can’t get this paperwork printedwe’ll have to start the whole process again and I am like big deal worse thingshave happened and whats the worst that can happen?  They have to pay us more LOL I don’t care howlong this shit takes!

                                                                                                                                           

He’s earned it he’s earned every extra cent he’s earnedeverything unlike this woman’s daughter who is just sucking off the system

I feel like I have barely gotten to talk about today aboutmy story or what happened to us because the 2 women keep talking about theirfucking kids!I want more time with the mentors and I want to learn I don’t wantto hear another word about this kids OMFG!

I wish people would either talk about their husbandsdeployments or I could just go back to the room

I’m sure I’m written the same thing 500 times but I’m typinginst             ead of saying it outloudor screaming at the top of my lungs

This woman doesn’t know anger she doesn’t know pain shedoesn’t know how bad it can get!

I wish I could go and pull someone to the side and justburst into tears and tell what I really feel how I am so sick of hearing thisand how its making everything 10 times harder for me to hear someone complainabout something so stupid when I’m going though something so hard

                                                                                

Homework: Work on something youwant to work on I want to write the details I wrote above I want the drive toBelvoir written and how I felt seeing Josh for the first time 

Writing Retreat Day 1 Part 1

This is just a post of the notes I took while listening to other people talk and what not during the first part of day 1 of the writing retreat up to this point we just met our mentors and did introductions and then split into our groups  

I'm realizing I’m a terrible person… I feel like I’m so intomy own life that I can’t sit here and pretend I care about anyone else or theirdrama… I have enough of my own… I don’t want to hear about your kids I have tolisten to people blab about their kids 24/7 I didn’t travel to NY to hear evenMORE about friggin kids!! If you wanna talk to me tell me about your husbandtell me about how your dealing with his injury SHUT UP ABOUT THE KIDS!!! *THEYDON”T MATTER(* Also don’t tell me about how your husband was hurt at basic orAIT sorry but I can’t relate to that I don’t think it counts and I think itsfucked up that your going to sit and try to compare that to what I’m goingthough

Not that it’s a Im better then you issue its just m yhusbandhas a legit combat injury he didn’t just fall down and go boom He didn’t gethurt in a way that could happen in everyday life HE WAS TRAMATIZED He was hurthe was hospitalized for months  I don’tsee how you can even compare the 2 things I don’t see how you can sit and say “Blahblah blah My so and so is a “wounded warrior” well where did the serve? Ohbasic training Um NO they’re not a wounded warrior their not even a soldier!They’re a recrurt STFU and go talk to someone who got hurt in HS on a sportsteam not a group of people whos husbands have been blow up and shot up andruined!

I AM SO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT KIDS Jesus CHRIST get your ownfucking identity!!! Have a life outside of your kids! Be an adult talk aboutadult issues!!

I like not having to worry about kids I like being able todo what I want when I want how I want I like being able to just plan vacationsand just GO! I like that in May I was able to just up and fly to Lori’s becauseI wanted to I like that next month we just booked our trip to Disney for nextmonth (We did end up keeping the Disney trip, we Cali trip for Feb ahha)

This woman is comparing her daughter being injured at BasicTraining WTF NO! Its not the same!!!!!!

Its taking everything I have to sit here and keep a straightface and not let her see how pissed off I am.. I’m insulted honestly Shesacting like her daughter should have been treated differently because she wasinjured But how can you treat one diff then one whos going right back a recruitis a recruit STFU and be thankful she was in the states!

OMFG NOW SHES TRYING TO SAY HER DAUGHTER HAS PTSD*STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*  Jesus I’mtrying so hard to bite my tongue but this is driving me insane Not only did thegirl get hurt at fucking basic she was over weight and couldn’t pass PT

This is like the worst group for me… I don’t wanna besitting here I’m not sure I can be nice all day and all night and all daytomorrow

I wanna be with other combat vet wives People who truly understandnot this horseshit! If  I wanted to talkto people who have never deployed and never been though a deployment I wouldastayed at Ft Myer!!

** Write about small pieces each day… go though each day ofthe event one by one or even break it down by the moment… Like “I was thinkingthis as I was driving” or “This is how the phone call happened”**

I think I’m going to talk to the WWP people and ask if I canhave diff group tomorrow  Ireally can’ttalk to these people I can’t relate to them

My life is falling apart I don’t have the energy to pretendI give a fuck about this woman’s bullshit

I don’t want to be here I don’t want to be here I don’t wantto be here I don’t want to be here I don’t want to be here

I am trying SO hard to stay calm and its not working myblood is boiling and my heart is racing and I’m PISSED and I’m sick ofpretending that this girl is having problems and she won’t stfu shes like blahblah blah an injury is an injury UM NO

My life is ruined Josh’s life is ruined our marriage wastorn into pieces

All these girls are like I wanna leave my husband WTF?!?!?!? Even at our worst I knew I would*NEVER EVER EVER EVER* leave Josh

I would die for him

I have put my own life aside and I have no issue doing iteveryday til I die he is #1 he comes first his life comes before mine

The next girl has started talking I like her I talked to herquite a bit yesterday she has an accent and it makes me want to listen and payattention I know her husband was injured over seas and it makes me feel better tolisten to her because she understands and I can relate to her

I’m next after her and I don’t know how I feel about saying whathappened to me outloud I havenit told anyone except close friends and Josh… Iwrite everyday about it but writing about it and saying it are so different Idon’t know how I’m even going to start telling what happened How do I say itwithout people thinking I’m crazy or that the doctors were right?

I’m so tired and honestly I just want to go back to my hoteland go back to sleep

I don’t want to eat dinner I don’t want to socialize I justwant to write  I didn’t come here to talkI came here to write and write and write

This is so emotionally draining and I’m just so over welmed

How much should I tell? Should I be honest and tell the*WHOLE* story? The one girl admitted to heroin use so atleast I won’t be theworst HAHA!!

I’m distracting myself by chewing on walnuts HAHA

I’m hoping to get all this published I want to help someonebut I’m afraid my thoughts and options are too blunt 

Overwelmed

I feel like I'm going to explode emotionally its just too much... I feel like some of these ladies are super nice and super supportive and want to learn but others just seem to want free stuff and a free vacation and more money from the VA...

I miss Josh and being away from him this time of year is so hard I wanna write so much and I wanna tell you everything I'm feeling but its like its too much Its too much to process too much to think too much to express any of this...

I feel like my chest is full and I just wanna curl up and cry

I'm gonna hop in the shower and then go to sleep so I'm ready in 12 hours to get up and spend all day writing...

I'll be sure to post what I write and pictures tomorrow :D

The hotel is amazing it looks like a space ship I can't even explain how cool it is!!

But ok its time for me to get in the shower more tomorrow NIGHT!

NY/NY

Tomorrow morning I'm off to NYC for the Wounded Warrior Project Writing Retreat... I was really excited about going until yesterday... I saw the status of another woman who's also attending the retreat it was about how excited she is to see Ground Zero.

I never thought I'd see the words "excited" and "Ground Zero" in the same sentence. It looked wrong they don't belong together, the 2 have nothing in common.

It made me mad, madder then I've been in a long time... It insulted me on a level I can't even explain...

I was there I saw it I watched it happen I felt the ground shake as they fell I saw the black sky above I sat in my 9th grade classroom and sobbed I remember running to the office and calling my dad and begging him not to go to work...

How can anyone be "excited" to see that?!

I don't know how I'm gonna get though this weekend... I was looking forward to it but I'm not anymore... The closer its getting to leaving the more stressed and scared I am... I don't wanna leave Josh... Next Friday is THE day and I just don't even like him going to work let alone be away for 4 days but I have to :/

He's doing better and I know he'll be ok without me but I'm still fearful I still make him call me every morning when he gets to work, I still freak out if I can't get ahold of him for even 5 mins...

It's getting better but it's still hard and now I'm thinking about what life on the outside is going to be like and it's even more stressful...

Will he be able to hold down a job? Will I be able to handle the hours he has to work? Will he even be able to get a job with a medical discharge? How long do we have left with the army? Is he going to get retired or discharged? So many unanswered questions and all are so stressful to me...

I'm really starting to think I made the wrong choice. I'm really starting to believe that I fucked our whole lives up... I should have just kept my mouth shut...

Change of plans :D

Plans change daily around here HAHA Josh and I sat down and really talked about the Disney trip today and we agreed its outta control $2000 before plane tickets (Which were another $450) to go to a park and do the things we JUST did less then 6 months ago and a year before that...Thats a LOT of money to do stuff we've already done and some damn lights haahha

SO I went on Southwest,com and changed our tickets!!

We are now flying into Las Vegas, staying for 5 days and in that time visiting his grandparents (they live very close to the strip) and driving out to Fort Irwin to visit some good friends :D Then we're flying to San Jose CA to go to the Winchester Mystery House and drive around Cali for 5 days! I'm so excited!! Winchester Mystery House is on my bucket list! I'm honestly more excited about this then Disney!

Small pieces

Today I saw a small piece of Josh return a part of him I love a part of him I've missed so much... his spontaneous nature :D


He came into the bedroom this morning all excited, more animated then I've seen him in a long time holding his iphone waving it in my face. Once I got him to hold still long enough for me to focus on the screen I realized it was ticketmaster and that Josh's favorite band, Rise Against, is playing at the House of Blues in Orlando Fl at Downtown Disney.

Thats when he said it he said "Lets go! We haven't done the Random 2012 yet LETS GO!" so I quickly agreed and started looking for plane tickets then he kept talking and what he said made me so happy I cried he said "baby, we're not just going to the concert I wanna take you to see the Lights at Disney make this a full Disney trip I know I can't fix your memories of last year but I hope with this I can help you build new ones to replace those"

How sweet is that!?

Really does love me :D

So there you have it friends We're going back to Disney! I've been googling the magic kingdom lights and I'm just is awe I can't wait to see this in person its going to be the perfect start to Holiday Season <3

So far I have set up the hotel, We'll be staying at the All Star Music resort on Disney property,  plane tickets, park tickets and food :D We chose to go with Disney's meal plan on this trip, we've never done that before but theres a first time for everything! I'll keep you posted on how it goes but I booked for 5 big sit down dinner: I picked MGM's 50s Cafe for night 1,Regoan Road at DownTown Disney for day 2,  Morocco  in Epcot for night 3, Germany in Epcot for night 4, and England at Epcot for day 5 but I think some of that is going to need to chance due to park times :D

The concert is on day 2 of our little trip :D

So there you have it my excitement for the day! This is the perfect Birthday/Christmas/Anni gift for us :D Its something for each of us I get my lights and rides, Josh gets his concert and food and we both get to take back our holiday season, rebuild this time of year in our lives and work on being 1 step closer to closure and healing and form some amazing new memories!

Now everyone please join me while I pray that his leave gets approved after I just spent $1500 on this trip HAHA!

My Strange Addiction

So I'm watching this TLC show and I can't help but say I belong on it haha!

I'm addicted to my cell phone if its dead I freak out if I can't have it I have a borderline melt down...

It became my lifeline during the deployment so it only makes sense it's still attached to me :/

I dunno I'll add more to this tomorrow I'm falling asleep sitting up

265 Days

Josh's MEB officially started today they said it should be 265 days from now but to expect 450 days... Wow... Scary to think in about a year well be outta the army... I'm just praying he gets retirement...

In about a year were gonna be normal people... Well be able to go where we want when we want, he can wear his hair how he wants...

I know it seems like nothing but its everything to us...

I'm just praying that the MEB sees that he's doing good now because of the meds :/

My husband has finally come home

It's been almost a year since world came crashing down... It's been almost 5 years since the first he came home, almost 2 since the second time he came home and for the first time I feel like I'm really living with my husband again.

He is finally here with me again... I can see it in his eyes, he's looking at me not replaying scenes from Afghanistan on the wall behind me... He doesn't look like he can see though me anymore... He kisses me and smiles and laughs and loves.

He goes out of his way to make me feel safe and supported and loved. He has become the man I fell in love with again and I've never been so happy.

He's so healthy right now that part of me wants to say lets call off the MEB or say let's try life without the meds but I know those things aren't options as quickly as he came home he can leave again it could happen in the blink of an eye, it could happen in the plan of 1 missed pill...

He's better but he's not if that makes any sense... It's all smoke and fog and anti depressants but ill take it... For the time being, he's home and the man I married and I plan to enjoy every moment with him to the fullest we have a lot of lost time to make up for <3

New beginnings

I haven't written in a few days :/ nothing exciting has happened and I haven't felt that hot... Just a nice quiet weekend in bed with my love :)

We were supposed to go to Williamsburg this weekend to visit one of my good friends but Josh felt like crap on Friday and Sat and asked me if we could cancel so of course I said yes...

One exciting thing did happen this week though... I got back in touch with a woman who 4 years ago was my best friend... My sister... The girl I could tell anything to... She signed my marriage license as our witness... And we got into a huge fight that here I am 3 years later and I can't for the life of me tell you what the fight was about I have no idea at all... And it breaks my heart that we lost 3 years over a fight that was clearly so petty that I can't remember what it was about!

I think everyone has a friend like that... Someone who at one point was their best friend and now they're just a person they used to know... I have one other friend like that... I tried to fix things with her right after Josh got sick last year and it just didn't work... I thought we had worked though everything and she told me to call her the next day and I tried to and she never answered her phone and never called back... She was the maid of honor at the I do Take 2 wedding... She was my best friend and I'm never gonna see her again...

I'm glad that I'm making up with Kristen it feels good and it's almost like we are just picking up where we left off...

New beginnings are a great thing

Lucky

Every day I post here about all the things that are wrong in my life but today is going to be different. Today I'm gonna write about how lucky I am.

I am so blessed.

The other day a news story came out that we had hit 2000 Military deaths in Afghanistan... My husband wasn't one of them.

Josh is alive which is something that those 2000 wives can not say and that breaks my heart...

Yes he came home emotionally and mentally broken but physically he came home whole and safe... For that I thank God every day... I donate blood every chance I get at Walter Reed so that the soldiers who weren't as lucky as Josh have the blood they need to heal.

He loves me... He is my soul mate and he loves me and I am married to him and I'm so thankful he's mine...

He loves me for who I am, he wants me for me and doesn't want me to be anyone I'm not... He gives me the freedom to be myself and has helped me grow...

He doesn't tell me what I can or can't do, he never tells me I can't have something, he homes me when I'm sick and kisses my forehead when I cry and holds my hand when I'm in pain...

He's my other half and I love him as much as he loves me.

We are so lucky and so blessed and so thankful...

I have a beautiful basset hound who I love to the moon and back... She's perfect...

I have a beautiful home that we own.. A home that we can stay in for years, forever if we so choose, a home we can raise a family in... For the first time we have a home that we don't have to leave in 6 months or a year... It's ours.

I have a family that loves me and stands by me though anything... A family who has forgiven my mistakes and love me in spite of them.

I'm gonna close this post up with the lyrics to a song called "Who I am" by Jessica Andrews it kinda sums this all up...

"I am Rose Mary's granddaughter the spitting image of my father and when the day is done my mama's still my biggest fan... Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy but I've got friends who love me and know exactly where I stand its all a part of me and that's who I am"

What if?

So I'm watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy and in this eppie Meredith is dreaming about how her life would be had her mother married Richard and she was raised in a loving home and it got me thinking... What if...

What if I hadn't asked for help? What if I hadn't told anyone Josh was sick?

Would we be happier? Would I be healthier? Would he be happier? Would he be healthier? Would he even be alive?

Would he have really killed himself? Would he have just healed on his own?
Would he have divorced me?
Would he be deployed right now?

What would we be like? Would he still be K9? Would we have stilled PCSed or would we be happy at Lewis?

What if he hasn't re-enlisted the first time? Or the second?

What if we would have gotten married in April of 2008 like we were supposed to?

He says that everything happens for a reason... If we woulda gotten married in April of 08 instead of December, I woulda ended up pregnant on our wedding night (that was the plan back then) I would have been too pregnant to fly back to Jersey when Grandpa died and I would have never seen him alive again...

Had we gotten married in April, we'd more then likely be divorced because he wanted to drink and party and get it all outta his system but I wasn't legal yet so it woulda lead to fights...

What if I hadn't pushed for him to get pcs orders? Would we still be living in WA?

What would I be like?

Would I be happy?

What if none of this ever happened?

Nighttime...

I hate nighttime... I never seem to be able to sleep... And when I'm sitting up all alone is when my mind wonders as it is now...

I start remembering what happened and get all crazy...

I'm sitting in the living room wide awake watching crappy TV that I'm really not paying attention to and thinking about last year and this year and the retreat...

I'm really worried about the retreat... It's right in the middle of "the nightmare time" and it's right in the middle of when r&r was...

It's weird when you think about it... R&r was amazing and some of the happiest days of my life but last year the same days were some of the worst of my life...

I wonder what this year is going to bring? I'm trying so hard to create new memories to over write the bad ones but I can't... I don't know what to do to get past this... If you have any ideas hit me with them!

We're trying to do Halloween themed stuff... Watch a scary movie every day... Josh is trying so hard to make up for last year and he's so amazing and I can't get past it I can't forget I can't move on and I want to so badly... I want things to be how they were in July of last year... So happy, nothing but hopes of the future and love...

When he was in the hospital and I realized everything I had been told was a lie I thought we would be ok... I though that as soon as he came home all the bad would disappear like it did after the deployment but it hasn't... The stress has been replaced by anger and fear...

He's doing so good... And I feel like I'm dragging him down...

I just want to forget all the bad... I'm thinking about telling him I wanna renew our vows... I wanna do it again almost like a new beginning... Just us at the on posh chapel... I think I'm gonna talk to Josh about doing it...

Yeah, I'm gonna talk to Josh and the therapist about it on Tuesday... I think this is a huge step in starting over... Maybe we can do it on "THE DAY"?

Does that sound nuts? Renewing our vows on the day that tore my life apart?

Empty

I haven't felt right in days... I don't know it it's the pain meds or the vaccines or the fact that my sleep has been so messed up but I have felt so empty these past few days...

I feel like something bad is coming the last time I felt like this was the days leading up to the deployment...

Lately I've been scared to death that he's going to deploy again which I know is so stupid but I can't help it...

Josh is worried about me going on the Wounded Warrior Retreat... He says he's worried I'm gonna freak out but honestly if there's anywhere that's a good place to be when you freak out its a wounded warrior retreat lol I'm hoping the other women will be able to help me process some of what happened and I'm hoping some of them understand how I've been feeling lately...

War of the day

So I had therapy today... And Josh and I got into a WAR like a screaming yelling war in this therapist's office...

It started out normal and then we started talking about October and a war broke out ugh

But this fight was different... as quickly as it started, it ended... Any other time we got into a fight like this we woulda been war-ing the rest of the day but as soon as therapy ended we got up, walked out, and went to dinner like nothing ever happened... it was amazing!

I can seriously get used to this! If we can get all our fighting out in that room maybe things will just keep getting better...

I wanna write more but I feel like utter crap ugh :( I had to get 3 vaccines as part of the infertility stuff so my arms hurt and I have a fever and a head ache :( Off to bed (I hope I can sleep tonight)

Damage

Josh and I have been fighting a lot less... we've been able to talk stuff over lately without ending in a screaming match or me crying and him freaking out... Its good and bad... Its good because it means he's getting better but for me its bad because I'm starting to realize how sick I really am...

We both know I am sick because he is sick but I'm starting to question how damaged I was before he got sick, before we got married, before he deployed, before we met... How much of my damage was already there and is just coming out now because of all that happened?

I know grandpa has a lot to do with it... a WHOLE lot... more then I like to admit outloud... and I know boyfriends in the past also have a lot to do with it but how much? And would any of this ever surfaced if it wasn't for what the Army did to us? Would I be this paranoid if those things never happened?

Its 2:43am and I'm wide awake.... I'm talking to some friends on facebook and they're talking about their husbands being deployed... For a moment I panicked and realized I hadn't heard the "YAHOOOOO" of my yahoo messenger alerting me that Josh has logged on in a very long time... it took me a good 30 seconds to calm myself down and realize that was because he was laying next to me snoring... Sometimes when he goes to work I throw myself into a panic convinced he's deployed again... Its downright psychotic...

Sometimes I work myself into a panic when I think about him deploying again before I stop and realize he's never going to deploy again we were laughing the other night because he said he needed his phone and I was like why? I'm the only person who calls you and I'm right here anyone else who needs us knows my number and he was like "What if they need me? You never know we might invade Iran tonight" (Joking ofcourse) and I looked at him dead ass serious and was like "If they're calling you to deploy because we invaded Iran we have MUCH bigger problems then a deployment or a missed phone call" and he was laughing his ass off at this point and goes "Um yeah it means everyone else is dead!" LOL :D

Its good that we're getting to a point where we can joke about some of it but I think I'm gonna talk to the therapist tomorrow about "Before Josh" I mean we have gone over and over and over what happened last year 100 times 100 ways and the reality is nothing is going to change it I'm scarred for life and it is what it is but maybe if I can work though some of the "before" issues the "after" wont seem so bad?

Comments?

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I'm so sick of it!

I am so sick of people faking PTSD and trying to use it as a way to get money from the VA or as a way to get out of doing something they don't want to do (Be it the field, deployment, PCS, TDY whatever)

Faking PTSD is what gives it a bad wrap. Its what makes people think EVERYONE is faking when they're not. Its what makes people like Josh not seek help until they are at the brink of self destruction because all they have ever seen is people lying about it. Faking PTSD takes appointments away from soldiers who truly need them, it takes slots away from the men and women who truly need the help... There are times where Josh has to wait 4-6 weeks for Psych appts people people who are faking issues are taking them up!!


I am so sick of people using their wife or kids as an excuse why they can't do things they don't want to do, See above.

I don't care if your wife is depressed, you think I wasn't depressed while Josh was gone? You think I didn't cry myself to sleep? You think it didn't suck for me? You think it doesn't suck for EVERYONE?! Go to hell. Your wife is no more important then anyone else's! And I think it is horrid that the Army feeds into the bullshit if a wife wants to try to off herself because her husband is deployed they should take her kids from her and lock her in a loony bin til he gets home AT THE END OF HIS TOUR.

Oh your kid is sad? Sucks for your kid! Tell the mother to take care of it! I read an article earlier in the week about a woman who killed her child because she was "Depressed" and people were outraged and acted like it was somehow the military's fault that this woman couldn't care for her baby and acted like they should have brought her husband home or not deployed him at all UM NO she should have gone back to her parents or told someone she couldn't care for her baby and if someone knew she was abusing said child they shoulda called CPS I find it VERY hard to believe noone knew this baby was being starved to death in an on base home those walls are thin as hell and I bet dollars to donuts that child was SCREAMING 24/7!!

I know a woman who recently tried to get her husband out of going to Korea claiming their child had ADD... And my answer was SO?!

If you want to remain on active duty status why should you be paid to do a job your not doing? Why should we give you a slot that could be given to a deploy-able soldier? Why should another soldier have to carry your weight?

Josh is at a point where he knows he can't do it anymore so he's taking the MEB so that a healthy soldier can take his spot... He gets no special treatment and he is the one whos injured! I am so sick of these soldiers who just go to formation then can go home and take care of their families its insane if the mother is healthy and the child isn't actively dying why can't the mother do it?

I'm so sick of people acting like they should be treated special like their wife is special like their kids are special: NO! We're all equal get over yourself!!

As you can see I'm pretty pissed tonight and I can't seem to fall asleep which is making me even madder I have to be up in 3 hours to go to Georgetown for a post op on my ankle which is a total waste of time because I already took out my own damn stitches so all he's gonna do is say "oh look its healed nicely" and send me home grrrr

I also have therapy tomorrow which I'm not looking forward to at all I'm sick of taking about what happened and noone doing anything about it I'm sick of telling everyone how I feel and just being left to feel that way...

It must be nice to be able to destroy someone's whole life and just walk away from it with no repercussions at all I know I wish I could walk around making stuff up and suddenly every word I say becomes truth...

Dangerously close...

So its Sept 24th... we are officially stepping into the "Danger Zone" for me... This time last year cracks were starting to show in our once water tight lies... By this time next month, our world was collapsed... I don't like reliving these events...

I've been trying to keep myself busy and my mind on other thing (Lately I've been watching any and all scary movies I can find because it forces me to focus on what might be hiding in the dark under my bed more then the fact that at any time Josh could relapse at any time...)

Right now its 8:45pm he came home with quite a headache so he went right to bed and I'm laying in the living room watching House...

I hardly ever sleep anymore... my sleep meds don't work... I'm hoping my doctor can do something about it on Wed when I go see my therapist...

So next weekend Josh has a 4 day weekend and we have some pretty awesome plans... Starting on Friday we're going to Terror Behind the Walls in Philly then on Sat we're going down to Williamsburg VA to visit a good friend whos visiting from WA and on Sunday we're going to Busch Gardens :D Should be a nice distraction!

Disney 2.0

So I finally figured out how to upload pictures from my phone so here are some candids from our Disney trip! Followed by my thoughts on rides and how to see everything :)

Round and Round

So its 3am and I should be asleep... Should be are the key words as I'm very clearly wide awake writing this LOL

Josh was PISSED tonight... I was supposed to have 2 appointments in the morning at Bethesda, One for a 3 hour Glucose test and one for an internal ultrasound (Both related to our infertility issues) the bloodwork was at 8 and the ultrasound was at 10:20 then he has an appt there at 2pm for Physical Medicine (Non Surgical Ortho) WELL He called his SGT to let him know about the appts and the dude is all "Ok see you at formation at 5:45am" WTF?!!?!? He expected Josh to drag me to Ft Myer at friggin 5:45am (Meaning we'd have to leave our house before 5am) just so he could check Josh's name off on a clip board and release him 5 seconds later so we'd have to sit in the car from 6-8am and I wouldn't be allowed to eat or drink oh and not to mention the fact that I'm at a SUPER high risk for blood clots because of my ankle... Uh Fuck that.

When Josh finally realized this dude really expected that, he kinda lost his shit and I can't blame him! I asked him why he had to go in like what it was going to do for the SGT and he was like "NOTHING it does NOTHING this is the kinda shit they pull when they can't do anything else"

And he's right! They're hoping we get so stressed out from all the round and round bullshit that we drop the profile quit the MEB and just let them chapter him out well there in for a rude awakening: THIS FAMILY DOESN'T QUIT! WE WILL NOT GIVE IN!!!!

I can't safely sit in the car and then in the hospital that long so I changed my appointments to be on Wed after my Ortho Surgeon appt so hah fuck them I win

He's going to go into formation, do whatever the fuck they need him to do (Which no joke is just stand there and look pretty but damn he's good at that heehh) and then come home and get me at noon so we can drive back to Bethesda together and go to his appt

This is going to be a long doctor appointment filled will honestly

I have the post op for my ankle on Wed and right after that I have to go for the blood work then I have an appt with my PCM to get the Chicken Pox vaccine (Yes I'm 24 and I've never had Chicken Pox LOL) and the flu shot so I should be nice and sick by the end of the week and then I have my therapist which I'm pretty excited about

On Thursday I have an appointment with a nutritionist (Part of the infertility stuff) and Friday I have the last of my "cycle" blood draws (YAY!)

The cool thing is after tomorrow, Josh will get his P3 from Physical Medicine and the MEB can official begin which means we only have 6-9 months left in the army... WOW. This time next year there is a real possibility that we could be normal people living normal lives... or as close to normal as we can get hehe :D

For a while there I was really worried about money and how things would work once we lost what we are used to living on but I've gotten to a point where I just don't care!! We'll make it work his health is more important then money and the best thing for his health is to be as far from Ft Myer and the army as I can possibly get him!

I'm gonna turn on some how I met your mother reruns and try to fall asleep... long day tomorrow and Bethesda is not a place to go when your tired!

My life on Wisteria Lane

Today a friend posted a face book status about Desperate Housewives, how she has started watching the show and how it makes her wonder whats really going on in her friends homes and it got me thinking... I was a desperate housewife... For years I suffered in silence, doing everything I could to keep Josh's illness a secret just like the women on the show...

For those of you who don't want it, the show isn't what you think its not about lonely housewives its about secrets and lies and murder and the fact that you never "really" know whats going on in your neighbors home, even when that neighbor is your best friend... and its true.

When Josh was at his worst noone knew. Not my friends, not my family, not our neighbors, not the military. Noone. We lived a double life on the outside to anyone who looked at us we were happy as could be... We were the happy newlyweds with the tiny apartment and mismatched furniture who were just getting started and didn't need anything but eachother, we were the happy couple who moved into the nice house with the beautiful backyard on post, didn't really talk to our neighbors caused no problems and kept to ourselves,We were a nice normal couple who just bought the beautiful house in a quiet town in VA...

But on the inside, it was a whole other story... Our lives were quietly falling apart behind the walls of our home... It took everything we had to keep up appearances outside so once we got home it all fell apart 

When we first got to Ft Myer I did everything I could to keep what was going on in our home a secret and I was DAMN good at it... I made up excuses for why we couldn't go out, I kept the windows covered so noone could look in and see him curled up in the middle of our living room having a panic attack, I kept the TV just loud enough that noone could hear us fighting... As much as I hate to admit this lying because easy and natural for me and for a while there I got so good at lying that I was even fooling myself..

During the PCS I truly believed my lies but as soon as we got into our home and started living a normal life again with the daily stress of work and keeping the house up and school work I realized how bad I was fooling myself and how desperate I was to believe that my life could one day be normal... But it wasn't and it isn't... and I'm not sure it ever will be...

I don't live on Wisteria Lane anymore... Just like the women in the show sooner or later my secret was bound to get too big to keep and it did... This time last year my friends were shocked and horrified to find out Josh had been hospitalized because of a suicide attempt... As crazy as this sounds even after he was hospitalized I tried SO hard to keep it a secret I honestly tried even harder to keep it a secret for fear he would be judged... But it was too much and I broke down and told my best friend and all she kept saying back to me was why didn't you tell me you didn't have to do this alone but I couldn't I couldn't tell anyone and I'll never be able to explain why...

Everyone has secrets, Everyone lies, Don't judge your neighbors or friends too harshly for the choices they make because you never know whats really going on in their homes... I know my friends sure didn't...