It's been a while

It's been months since I written and so much has happened and changed... Josh retired, began new treatment at the VA, oh ELLEN CAME HOME, ya know nothing big I just fought SecArmy with the help of Congress and won :)

We went to KY for random 2014 in Feb while we waited for Ellen to come home... And in Oct were going to Disneyfor a week with Joshs mom and my grandma (can't wait!)

But the big shocker in the past few days is Josh booked a surprise weekend trip in Jan for us... 2 nights at Animal Kingdom Lodge with a Arusha view room for our Anni! Even got us a dining plan! I have no idea how were ever gonna eat that much food haha he got us the deluxe dining plan... For each meal we EACH get an appi, entree and dessert! That's a ton of food hahaaha but more on our Anni adventure later!

But things have been far from magical :/ we've had some serious issues in our marriage, issues that I'm not sure we can get past but I really am not ready to talk about them publicly... Esp since I know my blog is followed by news companies who followed Ellen's homecoming...

 

Josh had a seizure on June 28th... It was the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life... He has no memory of it but I sure do... I didn't sleep for weeks after it happened and I still have a hard time...

We have however started sleeping in seperate rooms... Not for bad reasons but because Ellen sleeps with him now LOL she's cuddled with him right now...

I'm gonna start writing more... I have a few topics already in mind... Lately the only thing I can think about is what would have happened had we never left Ft Lewis... What would our lives be like now?? I'm also going to make a post about Ellen's homecoming and his current treatments :)

Retired!!

I can't really write much right now I'm having a super bad ankle day so I took so pain meds and now I'm all lalalalal hahha but as of 5pm today Josh is officially medically retired and I couldn't be prouder of him <3

Oh also our kitchen exploded lmao the Plummer was here and while he was here  the pipes burst and the garbage disposal fell off and the dish washer took a shit so we bought a new Dish washer (so pretty!!! Praying it fits in the "hole") and the home Warranty are replacing the garbage disposal and fixing everything else (yay for the HW! This would been over $1300 and I paid $600 for a year of this coverage!!!!!)

Alrighty I'm going to bed I'll write more this week... So weird to think I'm aretired veterans wife and Josh is a vet not a soldier anymore :) 

One week

Wow. It's all come down to this.

In one week our lives will change forever. In one week Josh will be out of the army.

And yet here we are 1 week before retirement STILL fighting the army! Nothing can ever be easy!

They messed up his orders and forgot to include terminal leave... BIG uh-oh!

When you get out of the army (ETS or medical retirement/discharge basically anyway except chapter or dishonorable) you have 2 options: take what's called "terminal leave" where you use up all your left over leave days and are just on leave til your ETS date being paid full pay and BAH like any other time your on leave or you can sell back your leave time but you only get base pay and it's taxed to shit.

If you ask me anyone who sells back their leave is an idiot.

For us it's the difference of $4500 right off the bat by losing BAH and then whatever they tax! No way! Josh has earned that money!!

So for the past month or so Josh has been working to have his orders amended so we get his terminal leave... Here's to hoping it works!

Once he's out of the army I'm not sure what's going to happen it's a whole new world and that's both exciting and terrifying... We've both only know military life... I don't know what it means to be able to live wherever you want or go on vacation wherever you want or anything...

We know he is going to go to college and he picked political science as his major.. He's hoping to go to law school and become a politician to help other vets.

The army says PTSD is accepted and they don't judge and won't punish but that's an out and out lie as we've seen!

Right now I'm working really hard to our VFW's gala for cancer research... Last year we made $19K and were hoping to beat that this year!!!! 

Josh and I are also hoping to go on vacation to Europe once we know everything with the VA is settled. I can't help but be so scared that something awful is gonna happen with the VA... I've heard so many horror stories about people not being paid for months and months or the soldier not being able to get medical care or a whole list of other worst case issues...

I just want it all to go smoothly so badly... Just a nice calm tranisition... I hope Josh enjoys college and I hope he finds fulfillment in his civilian life...   

Dear *AWDIWH* fans

Hi ladies and thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read this...

I know how scary the situation some of you are in is, I don't say this as someone who read a book or a dr or someone who is just trying to make you feel better I say this as someone who sat where you're sitting as someone who not all that long ago was doing just what your doing...

My husband deployed twice to Afghanistan in support of OEF. Both times a MP, once a regular MP and once a K9 MP. Neither time was he on a FOB.

I don't like to go into Joshs story on here because it isn't my story to tell. Also, there are parts of it due to OPSEC and respect for the wives of those who were KIA on the deployments that just doesn't need to be made public at all.

The first deployment was from Jan 07-April 08 That one was bad... But the second, April 10-May 11 was horrific. Things were on edge before he left the second time and the second deployment just sealed our fate.

Cliffnotes: Shit hit the fans in Oct of 2011, he was hospitalized on a 51/50 after I called 911, he ended up staying in patient for 3 full months. He now is in therapy 3 times a week, on a whole list of meds and still isn't the man I married, still isn't the man I kissed goodbye at the airport... When we fight and I bring that up he reminds me that man is dead now... It feels like a knife going straight through my heart...

Josh is being medically retired, we were given his ratings a few weeks ago and this week are expecting his orders to clear and begin terminal leave.

I want each and every one of you to know I am here for you!!! I am currently working to make Life After Homecoming a charity... I want to have a 24 hour hotline not for the soldiers and not ran by the military... A hotline that a wife can call at 3am when her husband just had a flash back and she knows she can't tell her friends (or atleast I know I felt I couldn't) and wants to talk to someone who understand but what's to be sure it won't end up in their records or in the hands on the chain of command.

Message me day or night, If you need to talk I am available here or I will gladly give you my number to call or text... 

I write this to release what I've been holding inside for many years. I am VERY aware the grammar and punctuation is awful, many times when I write we've had an exceptionally bad day and I'm writing this from the blogger app on my iPhone in bed crying so I'm very sorry for that... I thought about going back and editing it but I don't want to take away from the true emotion.

Thank you for reading and I hope to talk soon

-Sher

The real me

Thank you to a random Facebook game. Thank you for forcing me to remember things about myself I had forgotten 

1. 13 is my favorite number and I think it's lucky

2. Moving to WA was the scariest thing I've ever done and without question the best I have never once doubted what I did 

3. While Ill always be a Jersey Girl when I talk about "home" I'm talking about WA 

4. I can't sleep without "How I met your mother" on... It drives Josh insane 

5. The first time I ever stayed in a hotel by myself was after Josh was injured 

6. I never drank til I turned 21

7. I have ever card I've ever been given 

8. Seeing or hearing someone chew on an ice pop makes me want to scream I'm getting goosebumps thinking about it

9. Peter Pan is without question my fave Disney movie... and even after all the times I've been to Disney World I still get excited EVERYTIME I see the sign... I love it not for what it is but for what it brings out in me when I'm there it brings me back to a simpler time 

10. I HATE vomit! My own, other peoples, the dogs, hearing it, smelling it, seeing it, knowing it was done GAH yuck

11. I like my dogs and cat more then anyone 

12. I've broken my right foot 8 times and had 2 major surgeries to fix it

13. No matter where I live I've never gone a summer without going to Wildwood NJ

14. I hated Ellen when I first met her, referred to her as "the homewrecker" for the first year Josh had her then she saved his life the first time and I've loved her ever since so much so that I'm fighting the Army to adopt her

15. I believe in ghosts 110% and I'm sure I've seen them before

16. For my 16th birthday my then boyfriend paid to have an Oompa Loompa deliver me candy to my front door because I always joked that I wanted one because who doesn't want a chocolate making slave?!?

17. I'm kinda sorta obsessed with Kate Middleton and all the royals really

18. When we booked our Jamaica vacation post deployment we were there in under 24 hours on booking it

19. I watch Grey's Anatomy because it reminds me of home

20. One of the most awe-inspiring moments of my life was the first time I saw Mt Rainer on a clear day... I have yet to see anything as naturally beautiful

21. I went to church (roman catholic) every Sunday til I was 21 and wanted to marry Josh. The church refused to marry us so I left the church and found one that accepted our lifestyle (military) to marry us 

22. Since being married Josh and I have been to 27 states and 1 country together by the end of 2014 our goal is to add 3 more countries and at least 5 states!

23. My childhood dog, Ranger, will always have a huge piece of my heart and I believe he will greet me in heaven when I die

24. I spent my whole life wanting true friends and the army has blessed me with the best a girl could ever ask for  the issues is I still don't have friends I now have family all over the world

25. I'm am frequently stressed out about things I did or said that I feel guilty for from years ago

2 long years now...

There's this Dixie Chicks song it's called Taking the Long Way... It fits how I feel right now... "It's been 2 long years now since the top of the world came crashing down but I'm getting it back on the road now I'm takin the Long way"

That's how I feel... In a week and a half it will be 2 long painful years since our lives were shattered... 

But for the first time in 2 years I think I'm ok... I believe I'm ok... I know I'm ok. 

Josh is doing as well as could be expected... He finally got his ratings... 70% DOD, 80% VA... Which are good... They're medically retirement... BUT once his Sleep Apnia and TBI are added we will more then likely get 90% if not 100%...

We have about a week and a half to 2 weeks til his orders for Medical Retirement will be cut and delivered then from that point 90 days and he's a civilian. We still have 60 days of Terminal leave... I'm really looking forward to those 60 days... 2 months for us to find our new normal... Were gonna travel, relax, party and most importantly were gonna beregistering for college again... I'm so excited to go back to college and I'm so excited for Josh to go for the first fondant finally experience all he missed out on whole serving over seas...

I'm not even going to comment on the shutdown in this post it doesn't matter til tomorrow and I need to learn to deal with stuff tomorrow not at 2:45am ;)

So I'm gonna go watch Homeland and then ill update more tomorrow night all!!    

The "before" time

Can I even remember my life "before"?

I was 19 when Josh was injured... When we got married at 21 shit hadn't hit the fans yet but it was most def brewing... I saw parts of it... I saw it starting... But I'd lie to myself... But that's not what this is about... This is about before...

Before Homecoming, Before the attack, before Sgt Harris was killed, before Josh deployed...

What was I like back then? Who was I? I don't remember who I was before our lives collapsed...  I'm sitting here really thinking hard and I'm drawing a blank... Wow this is scary...

I was in college full time and working two jobs while Josh was deployed the first time... Almost never home, almost never asleep... I would sleep on the floor next to the computer with the cell phone and speakers next to my head so if he called or logged on I'd wake up... We used to joke that my "tent" was nicer then his (I put a sleeping bag on the floor lol

I was in college for psychology... Pretty ironic eh? I was taking sociology, history of the middle easy, ceramics, and forensic science in the semester I was in when he came home from the first deployment...

I was working as a lifeguard at the YMCA and teaching swim lessons at a private club called "American Woman" 

I miss that version of myself... I miss being busy all the time, not having the time to sit down or to eat a gallon of ice cream and if I happened to find the time Id work it off in an hour the next day...

I feel like I was well on my way to being someone and then he got hurt and both of our lives changed forever...

I switched to online classes, I quit my jobs and moved to WA and took on my life full time as his care giver...

I wanna go back to real school... I miss being in a class room and interacting with "normal" people my own age...

I just recently signed up for college again ;) I need to go sign up for the classes :)

I used to like sneaking out of college class, driving my car to the shore with the windows down and the music turned up... Sun glasses on <3 

I used to love shopping alone to get surprise gifts for my family and being so proud I had worked and was able to buy these gifts on my own...

I used to love to swim... I'd have a bad day and after work dive in and do a 500 and it would totally clear my head... I can feel the water moving over my face right now just thinking about it...

I miss that version of myself...

Sometimes I wonder who Id be or what Id be like right now if Josh hadn't gotten hurt and on really bad days I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't married Josh at all...

I know I need to regain parts of who I was... I've lost every part of it all I am is a paranoid freak who baby sits her over grown man child of a husband :/ 

My goals are to go apply for at least 1 class, go over to the Y and sign up to use their pool again, and start reading again!

I wanna get that done before the end of the week!