The "before" time

Can I even remember my life "before"?

I was 19 when Josh was injured... When we got married at 21 shit hadn't hit the fans yet but it was most def brewing... I saw parts of it... I saw it starting... But I'd lie to myself... But that's not what this is about... This is about before...

Before Homecoming, Before the attack, before Sgt Harris was killed, before Josh deployed...

What was I like back then? Who was I? I don't remember who I was before our lives collapsed...  I'm sitting here really thinking hard and I'm drawing a blank... Wow this is scary...

I was in college full time and working two jobs while Josh was deployed the first time... Almost never home, almost never asleep... I would sleep on the floor next to the computer with the cell phone and speakers next to my head so if he called or logged on I'd wake up... We used to joke that my "tent" was nicer then his (I put a sleeping bag on the floor lol

I was in college for psychology... Pretty ironic eh? I was taking sociology, history of the middle easy, ceramics, and forensic science in the semester I was in when he came home from the first deployment...

I was working as a lifeguard at the YMCA and teaching swim lessons at a private club called "American Woman" 

I miss that version of myself... I miss being busy all the time, not having the time to sit down or to eat a gallon of ice cream and if I happened to find the time Id work it off in an hour the next day...

I feel like I was well on my way to being someone and then he got hurt and both of our lives changed forever...

I switched to online classes, I quit my jobs and moved to WA and took on my life full time as his care giver...

I wanna go back to real school... I miss being in a class room and interacting with "normal" people my own age...

I just recently signed up for college again ;) I need to go sign up for the classes :)

I used to like sneaking out of college class, driving my car to the shore with the windows down and the music turned up... Sun glasses on <3 

I used to love shopping alone to get surprise gifts for my family and being so proud I had worked and was able to buy these gifts on my own...

I used to love to swim... I'd have a bad day and after work dive in and do a 500 and it would totally clear my head... I can feel the water moving over my face right now just thinking about it...

I miss that version of myself...

Sometimes I wonder who Id be or what Id be like right now if Josh hadn't gotten hurt and on really bad days I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't married Josh at all...

I know I need to regain parts of who I was... I've lost every part of it all I am is a paranoid freak who baby sits her over grown man child of a husband :/ 

My goals are to go apply for at least 1 class, go over to the Y and sign up to use their pool again, and start reading again!

I wanna get that done before the end of the week!