So it's 2:09am and for the first time in a LONG time I'm not awake due to fear or panic or insomnia I'm wide awake watching TV and smiling like a nut!
I was flipping though the channels after I finished reading my daily Kate Middleton gossip (yeah yeah yeah I know but I can't get enough of the Royal drama haha) and I was pleasantly surprised to find one of my favorite movies was on, Miracle!
I know it's a weird movie to be my face but I have a reason and I can't help but smile when I think about it, it brings me back to a very different point in my life, a point where I still whole heartily believed in magic and well Miracles ;)
I was a Junior in High School when the movie came out, my dad took Jimmy (my brother) and I to see it (Mom stayed home with the baby) the movie is based on the true story of the 1980 Olympic Hockey team, The Miracle on Ice as it came to be known. The movie was fantastic and the fact that my dad could tell me about the day it happened brought it to life for me he told me he had tickets to the game but him and his friends decided to go to Atlantic City instead because they were convinced that the US wasn't just going to lose but be humiliated by the Soviet team... Boy were they wrong and boy were they pissed haha
They ended up missing one of the most amazing hockey games ever played and one of sports most important moments!
My first week of Senior year I was told about our Senior Paper assignment it had to be 25+ pages on an event in history with an interview from someone who either was involved in or witnessed the event... Lots of people chose 9/11 because of where we lived, the start of the war on terror or the day JFK was killed but not me! I chose the 1980 Olympic hockey Team's amazing win... Needless to say my teachers thought I was nuts.
After I handed in my idea, my English teacher asked to see me and wanted to be sure I knew what I was doing she informed me she wouldn't force me to change my topic but if I didn't get an interview she would be forced to fail me and she couldn't see any way I could possibly get the needed interview. I wasn't worried I already knew how I was gonna do it my dad had handed me the keys to that kingdom the year before and didn't even know it!
At the end of the movie they show each team member as the real person, the actor who played him in the movie and a little blurb about what they are doing now... Most of them went on to be coaches or team owners but not Bill Baker... Bill Baker was my golden ticket!
The film said he went on to become an Oral Surgeon in his home state of MO! Take that info with any knowledge of Google and you have yourself an office phone number! I called and left a message with his front desk staff explaining my project and requesting a call back. I got it that night!
My dad came into my room holding his hand over the phone and said "um there's a Dr Bill Baker on the phone for you is this for real" smiling so wide I was shaking I jumped took the phone and asked him a few questions about his time on the team.
He was VERY nice! Told me how when they were presented their gold metals that was the last time they were all in 1 place together... he said all the quotes in the movie were really things Brooks (Their coach) did and said "The name on the front of your jersey is far more important then the name on the back!" "Red line back blue line back far red line back far blue line back... AGAIN!" that work put became known as suicides...
I told him how my fave part of the movie was when Brooks was trying to get them to say they play for the USA not their College teams and he said that really happened and that was the moment they bonded as a team.
Before we got off the phone he asked me for my address which I quickly gave him.
A few days later a fed ex package came with autographed cards, pucks, a jersey and a letter thanking me for taking interest in history!
My teacher was in utter shock! She called my parents twice to be sure this was real and as you can guess I got an A on my term paper :)
How many girls can say they interviewed a Sports Legend for their senior paper... That's what I thought hehe :)
Monday, March 4, 2013
5 years
So this year will be our 5th wedding anni :)
I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of Annis but it's HUGE for us!
It's a sign that we made it though, we have survived together against the odds... Noone thought we'd make it, hell for a while there we didn't think we'd make it :/
But now things are different we have figured out how to work together how to be a couple AND an individual and I love it :)
So this blog will be updated many times over the next few months as I plan our anni party :) the first wedding was pure perfection, baked ziti and cake with the people we love most, the people who totally supported our choice to be married even if they were placing bets under the table about when we would get divorced haahah I do take 2 was for me and it was a hot mess :/
This party is for Josh :) BBQ, beer, shorts and flip flops in our beautiful massive back yard :) why have a 1/4th acre yard if your not gonna have parties in it?!?
But we said I can hang lights and fancy table clothes and of course Baked Ziti will be served as it has been on every one of our Annis :)
Not gonna lie, I'm pretty effing excited!!!
I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of Annis but it's HUGE for us!
It's a sign that we made it though, we have survived together against the odds... Noone thought we'd make it, hell for a while there we didn't think we'd make it :/
But now things are different we have figured out how to work together how to be a couple AND an individual and I love it :)
So this blog will be updated many times over the next few months as I plan our anni party :) the first wedding was pure perfection, baked ziti and cake with the people we love most, the people who totally supported our choice to be married even if they were placing bets under the table about when we would get divorced haahah I do take 2 was for me and it was a hot mess :/
This party is for Josh :) BBQ, beer, shorts and flip flops in our beautiful massive back yard :) why have a 1/4th acre yard if your not gonna have parties in it?!?
But we said I can hang lights and fancy table clothes and of course Baked Ziti will be served as it has been on every one of our Annis :)
Not gonna lie, I'm pretty effing excited!!!
Friday, February 22, 2013
Well I don't believe in Canada
Sooo if I just make blanket statements such as "I don't believe in Canada" does that mean that Canada is not real?
We were at the VFW tonight and I was already pissed from the moment I walked in, I had left Josh there at about 9 and came home to read and relax then headed back at about 12:30 to get him... When I walked in some old woman (like older then my mom) was hanging all over him and when I walked over I just stood there and looked at her for a few moments and she was like "who are you" and I glared at Josh and then she was like "oh you must be the wife" and quickly introduced herself Josh said it just looked really bad and I believe him because I then watched this woman drunkenly do the same thing to everyone in the bar man and woman alike haha
So we move from the bar to a table and this fucking former Navy guy starts running his mouth about how he "doesn't believe" in PTSD WTF?! How can you not believe in something like that?! I don't believe in Candy Canes or puppies I guess they're not real!
I shocked both myself and Josh with how well I handled the situation... I very calmly told the ass that the night was now over and we'd be leaving and just left... No fight, no screaming, no bitch fit... So unlike me hahaha
I didn't feel any need to lose my shit today which is something that never happens I'm normally the first to look for a fight the first to flip out and speak my mind but like this just didn't feel like it was worth it
He is clearly a fucking moron and you can't fix stupid... I guess I'm finally learning to "pick my battles"
I gotta hand it to Josh though he took my side, and then asked if I was ok and told me how much he loves me and how I'm the most important person in his life and he couldn't live without me :) he kinda sorta made my whole day hehehe
Alrighty time for me to cuddle up with my amazing hubby! :)
We were at the VFW tonight and I was already pissed from the moment I walked in, I had left Josh there at about 9 and came home to read and relax then headed back at about 12:30 to get him... When I walked in some old woman (like older then my mom) was hanging all over him and when I walked over I just stood there and looked at her for a few moments and she was like "who are you" and I glared at Josh and then she was like "oh you must be the wife" and quickly introduced herself Josh said it just looked really bad and I believe him because I then watched this woman drunkenly do the same thing to everyone in the bar man and woman alike haha
So we move from the bar to a table and this fucking former Navy guy starts running his mouth about how he "doesn't believe" in PTSD WTF?! How can you not believe in something like that?! I don't believe in Candy Canes or puppies I guess they're not real!
I shocked both myself and Josh with how well I handled the situation... I very calmly told the ass that the night was now over and we'd be leaving and just left... No fight, no screaming, no bitch fit... So unlike me hahaha
I didn't feel any need to lose my shit today which is something that never happens I'm normally the first to look for a fight the first to flip out and speak my mind but like this just didn't feel like it was worth it
He is clearly a fucking moron and you can't fix stupid... I guess I'm finally learning to "pick my battles"
I gotta hand it to Josh though he took my side, and then asked if I was ok and told me how much he loves me and how I'm the most important person in his life and he couldn't live without me :) he kinda sorta made my whole day hehehe
Alrighty time for me to cuddle up with my amazing hubby! :)
Yahoooooooo
I can still hear the sound in my head and it gives me a feeling I can't explain to you I wish I could... It was the sound that my computer made when Josh logged on line during the deployment.
I had it set loud enough that no matter where I was in the house I could hear it, in the Evergreen house it was very easy, I had no carpet so it would echo haha
My heart is leaping and I'm smiling right now just thinking about it I can see hear it haha
It would wake me up in the middle of the night and I would always be hopeful... Hopefully that I would get the side of him that loved me, the side of him that missed me and made me laugh... that was rare but Every night I hoped for it
Every once in a while I think about that sound and miss it so deeply I miss the excitement of hearing it when I least expected it, when I needed it the most, when it was all I was waiting for
It brings me back to a different time in my life it's funny how a sound can bring back feelings and smells I think of it and can see myself in my bed at the Evergreen house... The room is dark because its the middle of the night and spotless because I was living alone and had nothing but time to clean... There was no carpet in that house so the sound would echo... Josh's side of the bed would always be tucked tight and the bed spread and pillow never disturbed it was like my own personal reminder everyday that I was alone and things were not how they should be...
The sheet thing is something I started as a child, my mom would always tuck me into bed super tight so it would feel like the sheets were hugging me as I grew older it became the only way I could sleep as a teen I would wake up in the middle of the night to re-tuck the sheets around myself... I stopped this when Josh and I got married because he would hold me at night (also because he hates tucked sheets) but as soon as he deployed I started again, come to think of it when he was hospitalized I did it too...
But enough about sheets haha
I always used to sleep very heavy and do again now that he's been stateside for some time but while he was gone a pin drop could have woken me and the Yahooooo of my laptop always did... I didn't care what time it was that was always a welcomed wake up call
When we would have a good talk I would fall right back to sleep with a smile of my face dreaming of homecoming, but when he would be in a mood I would be a head case sometimes I would cry so hard I'd throw up, others I would have to take sleep meds or drink a few cocktails to fall back to sleep, others I would sit up watching Netflix waiting for him to log back in hours and hours later because no sleep would come to me meds or not Til I knew he hadn't gone though with his threats of self harm
It's a sound I miss but also a sound I'm glad ill never have to sit around and wait for again
I had it set loud enough that no matter where I was in the house I could hear it, in the Evergreen house it was very easy, I had no carpet so it would echo haha
My heart is leaping and I'm smiling right now just thinking about it I can see hear it haha
It would wake me up in the middle of the night and I would always be hopeful... Hopefully that I would get the side of him that loved me, the side of him that missed me and made me laugh... that was rare but Every night I hoped for it
Every once in a while I think about that sound and miss it so deeply I miss the excitement of hearing it when I least expected it, when I needed it the most, when it was all I was waiting for
It brings me back to a different time in my life it's funny how a sound can bring back feelings and smells I think of it and can see myself in my bed at the Evergreen house... The room is dark because its the middle of the night and spotless because I was living alone and had nothing but time to clean... There was no carpet in that house so the sound would echo... Josh's side of the bed would always be tucked tight and the bed spread and pillow never disturbed it was like my own personal reminder everyday that I was alone and things were not how they should be...
The sheet thing is something I started as a child, my mom would always tuck me into bed super tight so it would feel like the sheets were hugging me as I grew older it became the only way I could sleep as a teen I would wake up in the middle of the night to re-tuck the sheets around myself... I stopped this when Josh and I got married because he would hold me at night (also because he hates tucked sheets) but as soon as he deployed I started again, come to think of it when he was hospitalized I did it too...
But enough about sheets haha
I always used to sleep very heavy and do again now that he's been stateside for some time but while he was gone a pin drop could have woken me and the Yahooooo of my laptop always did... I didn't care what time it was that was always a welcomed wake up call
When we would have a good talk I would fall right back to sleep with a smile of my face dreaming of homecoming, but when he would be in a mood I would be a head case sometimes I would cry so hard I'd throw up, others I would have to take sleep meds or drink a few cocktails to fall back to sleep, others I would sit up watching Netflix waiting for him to log back in hours and hours later because no sleep would come to me meds or not Til I knew he hadn't gone though with his threats of self harm
It's a sound I miss but also a sound I'm glad ill never have to sit around and wait for again
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Truth VS Facebook
I remember the first time I admitted to someone things weren't great between Josh and I...
It was Christmas Day during his second deployment and he was being an ass. Like a full blown monster...
He had gone to bed at like 5pm his time and that was the end of that so I went with my family over to my aunt's house for dinner when I got there my cousin asked me what was wrong because I was super distant and just avoiding everyone and I just slipped my guts I told her everything that was going on how scared I was how I was really thinking about leaving him how I didn't know if I could do it anymore the words poured from my mouth and I could stop them I had never spoken that truthfully or freely about what was going on to anyone and as I rambled all I could think was "stop talking stop talking stop talking!!!!!!" But I couldn't.
And then she said the famous line that after his melt down I heard daily "But you look like your so happy on Facebook"
Yeah no shit.
I wish my life was even half as wonderful and careful as it appears on Facebook... I can edit my marriage down to a few cute pictures, a loving quote, and bullshit smilies and noone knows any better...
I was living in WA state, 2800 miles from my family, it was so easy to pretend it was stupid how the hell could they know that while I was posting "Dinner with my super hubby!" I meant I was dropping it off at the kennels and then leaving seconds later because if we spent more then 5 minutes in the same room while awake we'd fight? How could they know that "yay! Girls night!" Wasn't a fun night with my girlfriends but a desperate distraction because Josh was working nights again and I was afraid to be in our apartment alone at night? How could they know that when he would post "love you" on my wall it was his attempt at apologizing for screaming at me for hours about things I knew nothing about
They had no idea.
They didn't know the hours I spent alone, the days I spent wishing I had made a different choice wishing I could go home and pick up my life where it left off
Facebook makes lying so easy, it's telling the truth that's hard.
It was Christmas Day during his second deployment and he was being an ass. Like a full blown monster...
He had gone to bed at like 5pm his time and that was the end of that so I went with my family over to my aunt's house for dinner when I got there my cousin asked me what was wrong because I was super distant and just avoiding everyone and I just slipped my guts I told her everything that was going on how scared I was how I was really thinking about leaving him how I didn't know if I could do it anymore the words poured from my mouth and I could stop them I had never spoken that truthfully or freely about what was going on to anyone and as I rambled all I could think was "stop talking stop talking stop talking!!!!!!" But I couldn't.
And then she said the famous line that after his melt down I heard daily "But you look like your so happy on Facebook"
Yeah no shit.
I wish my life was even half as wonderful and careful as it appears on Facebook... I can edit my marriage down to a few cute pictures, a loving quote, and bullshit smilies and noone knows any better...
I was living in WA state, 2800 miles from my family, it was so easy to pretend it was stupid how the hell could they know that while I was posting "Dinner with my super hubby!" I meant I was dropping it off at the kennels and then leaving seconds later because if we spent more then 5 minutes in the same room while awake we'd fight? How could they know that "yay! Girls night!" Wasn't a fun night with my girlfriends but a desperate distraction because Josh was working nights again and I was afraid to be in our apartment alone at night? How could they know that when he would post "love you" on my wall it was his attempt at apologizing for screaming at me for hours about things I knew nothing about
They had no idea.
They didn't know the hours I spent alone, the days I spent wishing I had made a different choice wishing I could go home and pick up my life where it left off
Facebook makes lying so easy, it's telling the truth that's hard.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Late night drives
When I lived in WA, the middle of the night was my fave time of day... Josh was normally deployed or working the road or on CQ so he was never home at night and as you've noticed I have a habit of sleeping during the day (lol)
My friends (Roxie and Lori) were thankfully also night owls and I was always running around with them somewhere in the middle of the night be it a random 2am trip to wander Walmart, pie and salad (haha Roxie fuck Denny's for buying out our diner!!!) at midnight, apple at at 11pm at The Rock, 3am "get in the car" basically kidnapped trips to the casino, random sex store trips where Wed laugh at the toys we were always out at night and it was so peaceful to me it no traffic just me and my friends
That's one of the things I miss most and tonight for the first time since I moved To VA I felt it again my good friend Cole called me and said she wanted to go out for a drive and I was like "LET'S GO!!!" And she came and got me and we just drove around for almost 3 hours it was wonderful!!!
Josh and I are so lucky to have Cole in our lives she is the only person here who has accepted us as we are, has accepted that Josh's health issue can cause massive problems but she doesn't judge us or use it against us or anything and I love her for that!
I love that I can trust her to go out with Josh and know she would keep him calm if something happened
I love that she doesn't laugh at me for my social issues that she doesn't judge of expect or anything
I'm so glad I have her and now that I know she does middle of the night drives, I have a feeling well be doing it a LOT more :)
I'm hoping if we start doing this, ill be a step closer to who I used to be
I've accepted the Washington version of me is gone, she will never totally come back there's no way to go back and pretend I haven't been though all I've been though with Josh last year
But I'm hoping that slowly pieces of that girl will come back... I felt her today and I miss her so much it felt so good :)
Thank you Cole for being a fantastic friend and a wonderful person WE LOVE YOU :)
My friends (Roxie and Lori) were thankfully also night owls and I was always running around with them somewhere in the middle of the night be it a random 2am trip to wander Walmart, pie and salad (haha Roxie fuck Denny's for buying out our diner!!!) at midnight, apple at at 11pm at The Rock, 3am "get in the car" basically kidnapped trips to the casino, random sex store trips where Wed laugh at the toys we were always out at night and it was so peaceful to me it no traffic just me and my friends
That's one of the things I miss most and tonight for the first time since I moved To VA I felt it again my good friend Cole called me and said she wanted to go out for a drive and I was like "LET'S GO!!!" And she came and got me and we just drove around for almost 3 hours it was wonderful!!!
Josh and I are so lucky to have Cole in our lives she is the only person here who has accepted us as we are, has accepted that Josh's health issue can cause massive problems but she doesn't judge us or use it against us or anything and I love her for that!
I love that I can trust her to go out with Josh and know she would keep him calm if something happened
I love that she doesn't laugh at me for my social issues that she doesn't judge of expect or anything
I'm so glad I have her and now that I know she does middle of the night drives, I have a feeling well be doing it a LOT more :)
I'm hoping if we start doing this, ill be a step closer to who I used to be
I've accepted the Washington version of me is gone, she will never totally come back there's no way to go back and pretend I haven't been though all I've been though with Josh last year
But I'm hoping that slowly pieces of that girl will come back... I felt her today and I miss her so much it felt so good :)
Thank you Cole for being a fantastic friend and a wonderful person WE LOVE YOU :)
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
I wish...
I wish I had the problems the wives at Ft Myer have...
I wish my biggest problem was what day the ball would be or what time my husband was getting home
I wish I thought the worst thing in the world was CQ or a few days in the field
I wish I didn't know the pain of watching your husband board a plane for the Middle East, kissing him good bye and not knowing if you'd ever see him alive again
I wish I could just smile and act like everything is perfect
I wish everything was perfect
I wish for one second I could switch places with some of these women let them see how awful things could really be what it feels like to lay in bed at night alone AGAIN sobbing because you can't remember what he smells like or what it felt like to touch him
I wish I never had to spend months convincing myself that my husband was real and I didn't just make him up
I wish I didn't miss years with Josh, miss days with him we can never get back
I wish he was healthy
I wish we never came here
I wish I would have kept my big mouth shut and kept pretending
I wish these women could see how lucky they are and understand how heartbreaking what we have been though is
I wish we weren't being forced to give up everything we know
I wish we could go back to Ft Lewis
I wish we could go back in time
I wish I wish I wish...
I wish my biggest problem was what day the ball would be or what time my husband was getting home
I wish I thought the worst thing in the world was CQ or a few days in the field
I wish I didn't know the pain of watching your husband board a plane for the Middle East, kissing him good bye and not knowing if you'd ever see him alive again
I wish I could just smile and act like everything is perfect
I wish everything was perfect
I wish for one second I could switch places with some of these women let them see how awful things could really be what it feels like to lay in bed at night alone AGAIN sobbing because you can't remember what he smells like or what it felt like to touch him
I wish I never had to spend months convincing myself that my husband was real and I didn't just make him up
I wish I didn't miss years with Josh, miss days with him we can never get back
I wish he was healthy
I wish we never came here
I wish I would have kept my big mouth shut and kept pretending
I wish these women could see how lucky they are and understand how heartbreaking what we have been though is
I wish we weren't being forced to give up everything we know
I wish we could go back to Ft Lewis
I wish we could go back in time
I wish I wish I wish...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)