Friday, February 22, 2013


I can still hear the sound in my head and it gives me a feeling I can't explain to you I wish I could... It was the sound that my computer made when Josh logged on line during the deployment.

I had it set loud enough that no matter where I was in the house I could hear it, in the Evergreen house it was very easy, I had no carpet so it would echo haha

My heart is leaping and I'm smiling right now just thinking about it I can see hear it haha

It would wake me up in the middle of the night and I would always be hopeful... Hopefully that I would get the side of him that loved me, the side of him that missed me and made me laugh... that was rare but Every night I hoped for it

Every once in a while I think about that sound and miss it so deeply I miss the excitement of hearing it when I least expected it, when I needed it the most, when it was all I was waiting for

It brings me back to a different time in my life it's funny how a sound can bring back feelings and smells I think of it and can see myself in my bed at the Evergreen house... The room is dark because its the middle of the night and spotless because I was living alone and had nothing but time to clean... There was no carpet in that house so the sound would echo... Josh's side of the bed would always be tucked tight and the bed spread and pillow never disturbed it was like my own personal reminder everyday that I was alone and things were not how they should be...

The sheet thing is something I started as a child, my mom would always tuck me into bed super tight so it would feel like the sheets were hugging me as I grew older it became the only way I could sleep as a teen I would wake up in the middle of the night to re-tuck the sheets around myself... I stopped this when Josh and I got married because he would hold me at night (also because he hates tucked sheets) but as soon as he deployed I started again, come to think of it when he was hospitalized I did it too...

But enough about sheets haha

I always used to sleep very heavy and do again now that he's been stateside for some time but while he was gone a pin drop could have woken me and the Yahooooo of my laptop always did... I didn't care what time it was that was always a welcomed wake up call

When we would have a good talk I would fall right back to sleep with a smile of my face dreaming of homecoming, but when he would be in a mood I would be a head case sometimes I would cry so hard I'd throw up, others I would have to take sleep meds or drink a few cocktails to fall back to sleep, others I would sit up watching Netflix waiting for him to log back in hours and hours later because no sleep would come to me meds or not Til I knew he hadn't gone though with his threats of self harm

It's a sound I miss but also a sound I'm glad ill never have to sit around and wait for again

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