So here I sit with my fuzzy pink pillow and I'm again reminded that Josh isn't healthy... He's not cured... He'll never be cured... The symptoms may lesson and the mood swings may slow but he will never be the man he was before deployment...
He missed his meds this weekend and it was a sad reminder that I wasn't crazy... He was like a ticking time bomb all weekend... Totally unpredictable :/ I'm just glad we've gotten to a point where atleast we can sorta control it all... We can see the shit coming and can attempt to reign it in... Normally it doesn't work but atleast we don't fight as much as before... I see him getting funky and just walk away... We don't scream and yell and throw things anymore... I'm not sure if that's good or bad...
I don't have any fight left in me... I just lock myself in our bedroom and watch DVR til he pulls his head outta his ass... I uses to feel like I had to save him, like if I hold him tight enough, kiss him long enough, love him strong enough hell get better but I see now that isn't an option... It's not truth... It won't work.
This is the one time where love just isn't enough because if it was he'd be safe as healthy and whole... He wouldn't be suffering like he is...
When he skips his meds, his nightmares are far worse then any other time... Right now I have him sleeping on my chest I'm typing with one hand and rubbing his head with the other... He's already woken up twice tonight scream and crying but I don't think he really "woke up" and thankfully he won't remember any of this in the morning... But I will...
He almost never remembers his "bad days" or "bad nights" and I just let that be.. No reason for him to remember what I remember...
I spoke to this therapist last week about how I feel he needs to feel more "needed" at work... I mean think about it he has more combat experience then anyone in that company and they have him sitting at a computer twiddling his thumbs instead of sharing that knowledge with other soldiers... She agreed with me and promised to speak with the commander... She kept her promise and tomorrow when they do land nav Josh is going to be teaching parts of it... I'm excited for him but then again I wish it was any other day... He's having such a bad night sleep wise I can see it either making him happy as hell or being the straw that breaks him for the whole week...
Fingers crossed that it ends well... I seriously don't have it in me to fight this week...
I seriously need to work on some real story telling blogs... More explaining the before time if I keep talking about it, it won't hurt as bad ya know?
That's my goal for tomorrow :) but til then I'm gonna close my eyes and cuddle with the love of my life <3
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