Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
What stage am I at? It's been a year and a half and most of the time I'm ok now... I'm far more ok then I thought I'd ever be again but I'm by no means the person I was before...
Living with someone with severe PTSD changes you... You take on their symptoms, their fears become your fears, their doubts become yours...
Just because I'm not scared of IEDs in the street or convinced the 7-11 guy is Taliban doesn't mean I'm not just as scarred as he is now... I'm scared that he is going to vanish... Any time he doesn't answer his phone or is late coming home I convince myself they took him again... Sometimes I'm so scared I can't breathe or see straight...
It's been happening more frequently lately... I'm noticing a pattern... When he misses his meds he gets wild and when he gets wild, I get paranoid...
I don't like it.
I made a therapy appt for the 17th... I think a big part of what's going on is its been long enough now is that I'm starting to remember more and more...
The other day I had to go to Belvoir to pick up my MRI CD for Dr Cooper... My chest tightened as soon as I walked into the building... I hate that hospital so much... It was so weird I could see myself there that day... I could see myself standing there... Alone, scared, heartbroken, just plain broken... I could remember looking out of the office in the the general lobby and I kept expecting to see Josh walk in or see him sitting somewhere... The common sense side of me knew that wasn't going to happen but the totally illogical part of me still expected... Like I was going to wake up and it was all a dream... The only other time I've felt like that was after my first car accident when I was 17... I kept looking at the car and thinking "No way this isn't real... This can't be real... This didn't just happen"
I couldn't form full sentences, I couldn't think I could barely breathe...
That day broke me worse the both times he deployed, more then watching him leave after r&r... More then anything else ever did... It changed me...
That's all I can think about lately and I really need to stop...
So it's now 3:15am... Do I keep writing? Haha why not!
So last weekend was a freakin nightmare... I shoulda saw it coming but I felt like being "nice" someone PLEASE remind me the next time I feel like being nice... DON'T!
The shit show started on Tues... You know your gonna have a shitty weekend when it's TUESDAY and the shit has already started haha
So Josh called me on Tues around noon and was like "I need a huge favor" oh fantastic "can Marissa stay with us for a few days?" Little back story I *hate* Marissa not just a little either lol she makes me crazy! She was a friend of his at Ft Lewis before we got married, she lost her legs in Iraq, and for ONCE she is the perfect example of a bad thing happening to a bad person. She is a very very bad person.
But Josh had me stuck he had told her "let me ask Sher" then called me... Which basically put me in the if I say no I'm the ass position so of course I said yes...
I expected her to come on Friday because her event in the city was on Sat... Oh no no no that bitch showed up 6 hours later.Fuck.
She has this habit of playing Josh and I against each other and making us fight and We can fight enough on our own we don't need her help!
So I put up with her nasty comments, bitchy behavior and condescending tone of voice til Friday. On Friday I lost my shit.
I had told her weeks earlier that we had the Army Birthday Ball on Friday at 6... Long story short at 7:30 we were still waiting for her to get ready because she's a selfish self centered cunt who thinks and cares about noone and nothing besides herself!
The straw that broke the camel's back for me was that after making us an hour and a half late HER DRESS DIDN'T FIT not just a little tight oh no no no Im talking not even effing close like she hasn't tried this thing on in months!
I know it sounds petty but add that to all the shit she had done all month and I was DONE so I told her to get her shit and get the fuck outta my house... I had to call the cops to get that psycho bitch to leave! Who in their right mind locks themselves in someone else's bedroom?! She really believed the cop was going to take her side LOL I was like hey nut job! I OWN this house YOU were asked to leave they're gonna make ya!
God I hate stupid.
Oh! In other news I'm having my left ankle surgery on July 11th :/ 1 month from now ill be casted up to my knee YAY! Not!
But alright I better at least try to sleep ill write more soon :) night!
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