After he got home from Afghanistan things changed again...
I had this idea in my mind of how "perfect" homecoming would be I remember laying in bed alone those last few days of deployment and imagining holding him again... Imagining that first kiss...
When he finally came home things we're how I expected them, I mean we were both happy but it wasn't the dream homecoming... Theres no way that the reality could be as good as my dream it was just to good to ever happen in real life...
He was in a crappy mood when he got off the plane... I ran to home and hugged him and he hugged me back but I could tell he was distracted... He kept telling me he had to get to baggage claim to get his weapon
Its an hour drive from SeaTac back to Fort Lewis... I didn't wanna let him go... We were in the suburban and he sat in the front seat with a friend of ours who was driving and I sat in the seat behind Josh... I remember reaching up and putting my hand on his arm a lot and giggling as I realized I was touching him...
When we got to Lewis we had to stop at the company to return his weapon to the arms room. When we got there a bunch of our friends were there and we stood around talking and laughing for a while... it was weird like I knew I hadn't seen him in months and all that but it was as if he had never left...
After about 30 mins it started to get dark out and I remember whispering to him that it was time to go home so we got back in the suburban and drove to the kennels where our truck was parked... As we went to get in the truck his SGT came up to me and said not to let him drive for 96 hours after homecoming so I drove home bare foot because I had been wearing heels to homecoming.
When we got in the truck and shut the doors he was like a totally different person he cupped my face in his hands and kissed me then pulled away and said "I love you so much and I've missed you more then you'll ever know" and my heart melted.
Josh had never been to the house we had in WA at that point... We lived in Evergreen on Ft Lewis, I had moved in about 3 months before he got home (Feb 14 2011) and I was so excited to show him our beautiful home... I had put welcome home signs on the doors and had all his fave foods in the fridge when we got in the house it was again like he never left...
We went to sleep that night and it was like we were slipping back into a new better normal...
The next few days we spent laughing and smiling and just being together... and then we had our first issue.
Josh was watching TV in the living room and I was sitting on the laptop playing around on FB when I first saw it... Suddenly my news feed was blowing up and I couldn't figure out why so I started clicking posts to read them a little more and I remember saying "oh.my.God." slowly and telling Josh to turn on the news
When he turned on Channel 7 we saw it... Obama was standing there telling the world that the Navy Seals had found and killed Bin Laden. I just sat there in utter shock with tears in my eyes the last time I had been that shocked by something was on 9-11... these were different tears... these were tears of happiness...
Josh and I just sat in silence for a while and then got up and each took a shot of Whiskey to celebrate... He went outside to have a cig and I followed behind him a few mins later... When I got out there he was talking and at first I thought he was on the phone and then I realized he was whispering "We got him..." and it hit me that he was talking to his fallen SGT...
I stood within ear shot of the door and listened and hoped that would be the last time I would ever hear him talk to his SGT... Sadly, it was just the beginning...
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Details, details...
I've basically told our whole story thus far... Nothing spectacular has been going on lately so I figured I could take this time of relative calmness to fill in some blanks... Go a little further into some parts of our story so I have more for the book when I go in April
The time between k9 school and deployment 2 was rough... Some of the worst we've ever had... The fights were never ending and the hours he was gone were endless. But like I've said before I was far from just some innocent bystander who's husband would just leave her for days on end... I was just as nasty back to him, I resented him for his love of K9, for the long hours he had to train for the CQ shifts he had to do... For just about everything under the sun :/
In late Aug of 2009 I had to have my tonsils out. Now I'm not sure how many of you had tonsillectomies as adults but let me tell you it was AWFUL by far without question the worst pain I have ever been in in my life it was so bad I can't even describe it and instead of getting better each day post op like a normal surgery, it got progressively worse for 7 days.
Josh went into work that morning (which pissed me off) then came home to take me to MAMC for the surgery... I was in and out so fast it was crazy I was awake about 30 mins and they sent me home... Mistake 1.
Josh got me home and he promised he was going to stay home with me the rest of the day as the dr said I was at a very high risk of bleeding. I feel asleep as soon as he got me inside...
When I woke up a few hours later for my meds I realized I was alone in the apartment... Next to me was a note that said "sorry had to go to work be back later" and my heart broke...
Here I was only a few hours post op and he left me all alone to go do training... I know it sounds stupid but this surgery was different... Had he done that after the ankle surgery I had last year I don't think I woulda been as mad... I was able to think clearly and breathe normally and stand up (granted I was on crutches) but I could do it without my head feeling like it was going to explode...
Oh yeah, that's the thing noone tells you about getting your tonsils out! The sore throat is the least of your problems!!! Because of where they are located your nasal passage swells shut so you can't breath out of your nose, they clamp your tongue so it's swollen and black and blue like you had it pierced and can barely fit in your mouth and you got the sensation of severe ear pain... Awful.
I remember laying there trying so hard not to cry because of how bad it hurt to cry and wanting to call him but knowing I couldn't talk to do so...
He finally came home hours later and was like "yeah sorry I got bored" seriously?!
The days post op went on like that... He would go to work leaving me home alone for hours begging for death until finally we hit day 7.
I woke up on the morning of day 7 and told him I couldn't do it anymore I was in too much pain and begged him to take me back to the dr.
Good thing he did.
When we got there he let me off at the door and I walked (sorta lol) into the ENT clinic at MAMC clutching my purple garbage pale for dear life praying I wouldn't throw up (again) I went up to the desk and the burst was fantastic she took one look at me and sent me right back into an exam room
Turned out the bottom of the wound hasn't healed right and was still openly bleeding... That's why it hurt so bad and why I was throwing up blood
They gave me the option to be put under again but I decided to have them fix it right then and there (they did, it was awful lol) and the dr decided to admit me for IV pain meds and rehydration
MAMC is a massive hospital... The nurse offered to put me in a wheelchair to take me from the medical mall side that I was on over to the in patient side... Before I even had a chance to reply Josh was all "she can walk" WTF?!?
It took me over an hour to get to my hospital room and when I did I remember curling up on the bed and refusing to move...
Normally I'm scared to death of IVs and it takes quite a bit to get one ingo me... this was a tough stick because I was so dehydrated and I can't even remember the nurse putting it in...
They gave me my first dose of pain meds and hooked up the fluids and I felt a little better with each drop of fluid...
Josh was with me for about an hour and then shocker! Back to work he went...
He just left me all alone in the hospital claiming I'd be just fine...
He had CQ that night so he didn't come back to visit Til I was released the next morning when his CQ shift ended
I was seriously pissed at his sgts thinking how could they have him on CQ with me in the hospital and I later found out they offered to give him the day off... He chose to go in.
That kinda set the tone for how the next few months went... I never forgot how hurt I was that in my mind he chose sitting at the kennels over my health...
I think that's when I decided I hated K9...
The time between k9 school and deployment 2 was rough... Some of the worst we've ever had... The fights were never ending and the hours he was gone were endless. But like I've said before I was far from just some innocent bystander who's husband would just leave her for days on end... I was just as nasty back to him, I resented him for his love of K9, for the long hours he had to train for the CQ shifts he had to do... For just about everything under the sun :/
In late Aug of 2009 I had to have my tonsils out. Now I'm not sure how many of you had tonsillectomies as adults but let me tell you it was AWFUL by far without question the worst pain I have ever been in in my life it was so bad I can't even describe it and instead of getting better each day post op like a normal surgery, it got progressively worse for 7 days.
Josh went into work that morning (which pissed me off) then came home to take me to MAMC for the surgery... I was in and out so fast it was crazy I was awake about 30 mins and they sent me home... Mistake 1.
Josh got me home and he promised he was going to stay home with me the rest of the day as the dr said I was at a very high risk of bleeding. I feel asleep as soon as he got me inside...
When I woke up a few hours later for my meds I realized I was alone in the apartment... Next to me was a note that said "sorry had to go to work be back later" and my heart broke...
Here I was only a few hours post op and he left me all alone to go do training... I know it sounds stupid but this surgery was different... Had he done that after the ankle surgery I had last year I don't think I woulda been as mad... I was able to think clearly and breathe normally and stand up (granted I was on crutches) but I could do it without my head feeling like it was going to explode...
Oh yeah, that's the thing noone tells you about getting your tonsils out! The sore throat is the least of your problems!!! Because of where they are located your nasal passage swells shut so you can't breath out of your nose, they clamp your tongue so it's swollen and black and blue like you had it pierced and can barely fit in your mouth and you got the sensation of severe ear pain... Awful.
I remember laying there trying so hard not to cry because of how bad it hurt to cry and wanting to call him but knowing I couldn't talk to do so...
He finally came home hours later and was like "yeah sorry I got bored" seriously?!
The days post op went on like that... He would go to work leaving me home alone for hours begging for death until finally we hit day 7.
I woke up on the morning of day 7 and told him I couldn't do it anymore I was in too much pain and begged him to take me back to the dr.
Good thing he did.
When we got there he let me off at the door and I walked (sorta lol) into the ENT clinic at MAMC clutching my purple garbage pale for dear life praying I wouldn't throw up (again) I went up to the desk and the burst was fantastic she took one look at me and sent me right back into an exam room
Turned out the bottom of the wound hasn't healed right and was still openly bleeding... That's why it hurt so bad and why I was throwing up blood
They gave me the option to be put under again but I decided to have them fix it right then and there (they did, it was awful lol) and the dr decided to admit me for IV pain meds and rehydration
MAMC is a massive hospital... The nurse offered to put me in a wheelchair to take me from the medical mall side that I was on over to the in patient side... Before I even had a chance to reply Josh was all "she can walk" WTF?!?
It took me over an hour to get to my hospital room and when I did I remember curling up on the bed and refusing to move...
Normally I'm scared to death of IVs and it takes quite a bit to get one ingo me... this was a tough stick because I was so dehydrated and I can't even remember the nurse putting it in...
They gave me my first dose of pain meds and hooked up the fluids and I felt a little better with each drop of fluid...
Josh was with me for about an hour and then shocker! Back to work he went...
He just left me all alone in the hospital claiming I'd be just fine...
He had CQ that night so he didn't come back to visit Til I was released the next morning when his CQ shift ended
I was seriously pissed at his sgts thinking how could they have him on CQ with me in the hospital and I later found out they offered to give him the day off... He chose to go in.
That kinda set the tone for how the next few months went... I never forgot how hurt I was that in my mind he chose sitting at the kennels over my health...
I think that's when I decided I hated K9...
Monday, January 28, 2013
Out of control
I don’t remember how things got so out of control I wish I
would have started writing sooner, taking notes or something to record the
progress of events… As I sit here now and try to remember I can’t… I mean I
remember the screaming, the nightmares, the panic attacks, the fights, the
lies, the hiding, ofcourse I remember all that how could I ever forget but I
don’t remember how it escalated… how it went from where we had it almost in an
organized chaos to totally and completely out of control
Once we got to Ft Myer things were quiet for a bit, we were
both on our best behaviors, both lying to ourselves, each other and everyone we
came into contact with. I accepted the role of FRG leader for 289th
MP CO and threw myself head long into that… Being in the light like that made
me even more careful, made me pretend so well that everything was ok I almost
believed it.
Things were at a controlled point for a while there and then
the first shoe dropped.
We closed on our house on Sept 23rd and house
hold goods arrived on Monday the 26th. I’m not good at moving I’ll
be the first to admit that! I have no issue putting things away and organizing
them but the boxes and paper everywhere makes me nuts!!! Josh was off that day,
we put all the boxes in the upstairs living room and were moving them to where
they belonged from there it was much more tiring then the last time I had
moved, our last home was all on 1 level and had an attached garage which made
moving so easy we just had the movers put all the boxes in the garage and the
furniture where it belonged. Bring a box in, empty it, put the empty box and
the paper back in the garage so there was no mess inside but this house was so
different. We have stairs, lots of them! And the garage isn’t attached and has
a dirt floor so it was more or less useless to us, thus how all the boxes ended
up in the living room.
The next morning Josh went to work as normal and left me
with the task of trying to do something with the mess all over our new house. I
had stayed up late the night before so it wasn’t til around 10 or 11 that I
woke up, I called him as soon as I woke and asked what he was up to expecting
him to tell me about training but I was VERY wrong.
He was in the hospital, he was bit by one of the dogs and it
was pretty bad. I asked him if I should head over there and he said no that
everything was under control and to just pick him up at the kennels in about an
hour once he was released so I agreed I was totally calm til I found out the
rest of the story. He had been at the
hospital for hours, and the bit wasn’t just a bite it was a partial amputation,
Oh yeah and he called my dad as he was on his way to the hospital to say “Don’t
tell Sher BUT…” I lost my shit to say the least!
He says he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to worry me
or scare me but it hurt more that he didn’t tell… I felt that for the past year
and a half I wasn’t able to care for him when he was sick or injured and needed
me because he was deployed and now here he was at a hospital 20 miles away and
wouldn’t let me be there to hold his hand? That was far more stressful. We fought that night pretty bad and ended up
agreeing that from that night on he would never lie to me again. When it was
medical, he would turn to me. He then
reminded me of the POA he had signed before deployment which stated that I had
full medical POA for him.
That day was the beginning of the end if you ask me. It was
the first time that the cracks in our story started to show, it was the first
time I wasn’t able to keep the “Crazy” within our house. That scared the crap
out of me.
His nightmares and mood swings began getting worse at this
point and I would call his therapist and ask for help or ask her if she had any
advice on things I could do to help him and she would blow me off. I have since
read though his medical record front to back and in this time, he had admitted
to being suicidal 13 different times and she never did anything at all.
Reason 53704
So Josh has been doing fantastic... Everything was going well and I thought he was making a lot of improvements and then this weekend happened...
He was kinda funky on Friday and then on Sat he was down right nasty so I asked him what was wrong and he broke down and told me
Sooo it turns out he ran out of meds and has been trying to get a dr appt for weeks but his dr has no appts and Won't call in his meds WTF?!
Are you KIDDING me?!?!? How can they let him runs out of meds!!!
It's like they are handing me reasons to *hate* ft Myer more then I already do!
They're setting him up for failure and its not cute! Maybe if they stopped babying all these people and wasting appts on fakers or hired more then 1 shrink for the whole god damn post we wouldn't have this issue!!!
How can you let a soldier who has SEVERE PTSD and was hospitalized for attempted suicide run out of his anti depressants and anti psychotics?! All other issues aside he's gonna go into withdrawal and get physically ill
I hate the army
He was kinda funky on Friday and then on Sat he was down right nasty so I asked him what was wrong and he broke down and told me
Sooo it turns out he ran out of meds and has been trying to get a dr appt for weeks but his dr has no appts and Won't call in his meds WTF?!
Are you KIDDING me?!?!? How can they let him runs out of meds!!!
It's like they are handing me reasons to *hate* ft Myer more then I already do!
They're setting him up for failure and its not cute! Maybe if they stopped babying all these people and wasting appts on fakers or hired more then 1 shrink for the whole god damn post we wouldn't have this issue!!!
How can you let a soldier who has SEVERE PTSD and was hospitalized for attempted suicide run out of his anti depressants and anti psychotics?! All other issues aside he's gonna go into withdrawal and get physically ill
I hate the army
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Guinness is perfect :)
Guinness is 40lb of pure perfection just thought I'd share that haha
She's taking a nap with me while I try to get the swelling in my ankle to go down (it wasn't the best idea to drive 4 hours then stand all night in the snow on my bad ankle haha I'm now paying for it!!)
She's taking a nap with me while I try to get the swelling in my ankle to go down (it wasn't the best idea to drive 4 hours then stand all night in the snow on my bad ankle haha I'm now paying for it!!)
Friday, January 25, 2013
Now and Then
So we're in Jersey visiting family :)
Josh just accidentally give the pizza guy a $50 tip (um fml lol)
But that's not what this post is about :) I'm sitting here at 1am flipping though the channels and found Clarissa Explains it All on TeenNICK and I'm started on a little trip down memory lane and it got me thinking about how different life was a few years ago
Josh and I were near divorce when he deployed the 2nd time I've seriously down played how bad things were in here but they were BAD like we barely spoke and when we did we fought he openly told people he hated me (how sweet eh?) and we had many very blunt talks about how to go about divorcing... I dont know what happened when he was hospitalized but something changed maybe its because he's medicated now but like everything changed while he was there
I wonder sometimes if we would have gotten divorced had he not been hospitalized? Would I have walked out like I threatened so many times before? Could I really go though with that? Was there something he could do that could possibly push me that far?
Back then we believed the army was our whole future we based our lives around the army and where that life would take us... We based life around the "next deployment, the "next" pcs the "next" TDY....
But now the army is not a part of our future... Everything is wide open yet so much more limited... We have to literally rebuild our whole life plan...
I look back at what we were like at Ft Lewis and I know I was far from the innocent victim I was not a good person, not a good wife back then... I did a lot of things I'm not proud of I would start shit for no reason, I would tell him to pick me or the army... Sometimes I just wanted to hear him say he'd pick me... I never wanted him to really give it all up...
Josh just accidentally give the pizza guy a $50 tip (um fml lol)
But that's not what this post is about :) I'm sitting here at 1am flipping though the channels and found Clarissa Explains it All on TeenNICK and I'm started on a little trip down memory lane and it got me thinking about how different life was a few years ago
Josh and I were near divorce when he deployed the 2nd time I've seriously down played how bad things were in here but they were BAD like we barely spoke and when we did we fought he openly told people he hated me (how sweet eh?) and we had many very blunt talks about how to go about divorcing... I dont know what happened when he was hospitalized but something changed maybe its because he's medicated now but like everything changed while he was there
I wonder sometimes if we would have gotten divorced had he not been hospitalized? Would I have walked out like I threatened so many times before? Could I really go though with that? Was there something he could do that could possibly push me that far?
Back then we believed the army was our whole future we based our lives around the army and where that life would take us... We based life around the "next deployment, the "next" pcs the "next" TDY....
But now the army is not a part of our future... Everything is wide open yet so much more limited... We have to literally rebuild our whole life plan...
I look back at what we were like at Ft Lewis and I know I was far from the innocent victim I was not a good person, not a good wife back then... I did a lot of things I'm not proud of I would start shit for no reason, I would tell him to pick me or the army... Sometimes I just wanted to hear him say he'd pick me... I never wanted him to really give it all up...
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