Now and Then

So we're in Jersey visiting family :)

Josh just accidentally give the pizza guy a $50 tip (um fml lol)

But that's not what this post is about :) I'm sitting here at 1am flipping though the channels and found Clarissa Explains it All on TeenNICK and I'm started on a little trip down memory lane and it got me thinking about how different life was a few years ago

Josh and I were near divorce when he deployed the 2nd time I've seriously down played how bad things were in here but they were BAD like we barely spoke and when we did we fought he openly told people he hated me (how sweet eh?) and we had many very blunt talks about how to go about divorcing... I dont know what happened when he was hospitalized but something changed maybe its because he's medicated now but like everything changed while he was there

I wonder sometimes if we would have gotten divorced had he not been hospitalized? Would I have walked out like I threatened so many times before? Could I really go though with that? Was there something he could do that could possibly push me that far?

Back then we believed the army was our whole future we based our lives around the army and where that life would take us... We based life around the "next deployment, the "next" pcs the "next" TDY....

But now the army is not a part of our future... Everything is wide open yet so much more limited... We have to literally rebuild our whole life plan...

I look back at what we were like at Ft Lewis and I know I was far from the innocent victim I was not a good person, not a good wife back then... I did a lot of things I'm not proud of I would start shit for no reason, I would tell him to pick me or the army... Sometimes I just wanted to hear him say he'd pick me... I never wanted him to really give it all up...