Well I don't believe in Canada

Sooo if I just make blanket statements such as "I don't believe in Canada" does that mean that Canada is not real?

We were at the VFW tonight and I was already pissed from the moment I walked in, I had left Josh there at about 9 and came home to read and relax then headed back at about 12:30 to get him... When I walked in some old woman (like older then my mom) was hanging all over him and when I walked over I just stood there and looked at her for a few moments and she was like "who are you" and I glared at Josh and then she was like "oh you must be the wife" and quickly introduced herself Josh said it just looked really bad and I believe him because I then watched this woman drunkenly do the same thing to everyone in the bar man and woman alike haha

So we move from the bar to a table and this fucking former Navy guy starts running his mouth about how he "doesn't believe" in PTSD WTF?! How can you not believe in something like that?! I don't believe in Candy Canes or puppies I guess they're not real!

I shocked both myself and Josh with how well I handled the situation... I very calmly told the ass that the night was now over and we'd be leaving and just left... No fight, no screaming, no bitch fit... So unlike me hahaha

I didn't feel any need to lose my shit today which is something that never happens I'm normally the first to look for a fight the first to flip out and speak my mind but like this just didn't feel like it was worth it

He is clearly a fucking moron and you can't fix stupid... I guess I'm finally learning to "pick my battles"

I gotta hand it to Josh though he took my side, and then asked if I was ok and told me how much he loves me and how I'm the most important person in his life and he couldn't live without me :) he kinda sorta made my whole day hehehe

Alrighty time for me to cuddle up with my amazing hubby! :)

Yahoooooooo

I can still hear the sound in my head and it gives me a feeling I can't explain to you I wish I could... It was the sound that my computer made when Josh logged on line during the deployment.

I had it set loud enough that no matter where I was in the house I could hear it, in the Evergreen house it was very easy, I had no carpet so it would echo haha

My heart is leaping and I'm smiling right now just thinking about it I can see hear it haha

It would wake me up in the middle of the night and I would always be hopeful... Hopefully that I would get the side of him that loved me, the side of him that missed me and made me laugh... that was rare but Every night I hoped for it

Every once in a while I think about that sound and miss it so deeply I miss the excitement of hearing it when I least expected it, when I needed it the most, when it was all I was waiting for

It brings me back to a different time in my life it's funny how a sound can bring back feelings and smells I think of it and can see myself in my bed at the Evergreen house... The room is dark because its the middle of the night and spotless because I was living alone and had nothing but time to clean... There was no carpet in that house so the sound would echo... Josh's side of the bed would always be tucked tight and the bed spread and pillow never disturbed it was like my own personal reminder everyday that I was alone and things were not how they should be...

The sheet thing is something I started as a child, my mom would always tuck me into bed super tight so it would feel like the sheets were hugging me as I grew older it became the only way I could sleep as a teen I would wake up in the middle of the night to re-tuck the sheets around myself... I stopped this when Josh and I got married because he would hold me at night (also because he hates tucked sheets) but as soon as he deployed I started again, come to think of it when he was hospitalized I did it too...

But enough about sheets haha

I always used to sleep very heavy and do again now that he's been stateside for some time but while he was gone a pin drop could have woken me and the Yahooooo of my laptop always did... I didn't care what time it was that was always a welcomed wake up call

When we would have a good talk I would fall right back to sleep with a smile of my face dreaming of homecoming, but when he would be in a mood I would be a head case sometimes I would cry so hard I'd throw up, others I would have to take sleep meds or drink a few cocktails to fall back to sleep, others I would sit up watching Netflix waiting for him to log back in hours and hours later because no sleep would come to me meds or not Til I knew he hadn't gone though with his threats of self harm

It's a sound I miss but also a sound I'm glad ill never have to sit around and wait for again

Truth VS Facebook

I remember the first time I admitted to someone things weren't great between Josh and I...

It was Christmas Day during his second deployment and he was being an ass. Like a full blown monster...

He had gone to bed at like 5pm his time and that was the end of that so I went with my family over to my aunt's house for dinner when I got there my cousin asked me what was wrong because I was super distant and just avoiding everyone and I just slipped my guts I told her everything that was going on how scared I was how I was really thinking about leaving him how I didn't know if I could do it anymore the words poured from my mouth and I could stop them I had never spoken that truthfully or freely about what was going on to anyone and as I rambled all I could think was "stop talking stop talking stop talking!!!!!!" But I couldn't.

And then she said the famous line that after his melt down I heard daily "But you look like your so happy on Facebook"

Yeah no shit.

I wish my life was even half as wonderful and careful as it appears on Facebook... I can edit my marriage down to a few cute pictures, a loving quote, and bullshit smilies and noone knows any better...

I was living in WA state, 2800 miles from my family, it was so easy to pretend it was stupid how the hell could they know that while I was posting "Dinner with my super hubby!" I meant I was dropping it off at the kennels and then leaving seconds later because if we spent more then 5 minutes in the same room while awake we'd fight? How could they know that "yay! Girls night!" Wasn't a fun night with my girlfriends but a desperate distraction because Josh was working nights again and I was afraid to be in our apartment alone at night? How could they know that when he would post "love you" on my wall it was his attempt at apologizing for screaming at me for hours about things I knew nothing about

They had no idea.

They didn't know the hours I spent alone, the days I spent wishing I had made a different choice wishing I could go home and pick up my life where it left off

Facebook makes lying so easy, it's telling the truth that's hard.

Late night drives

When I lived in WA, the middle of the night was my fave time of day... Josh was normally deployed or working the road or on CQ so he was never home at night and as you've noticed I have a habit of sleeping during the day (lol)

My friends (Roxie and Lori) were thankfully also night owls and I was always running around with them somewhere in the middle of the night be it a random 2am trip to wander Walmart, pie and salad (haha Roxie fuck Denny's for buying out our diner!!!) at midnight, apple at at 11pm at The Rock, 3am "get in the car" basically kidnapped trips to the casino, random sex store trips where Wed laugh at the toys we were always out at night and it was so peaceful to me it no traffic just me and my friends

That's one of the things I miss most and tonight for the first time since I moved To VA I felt it again my good friend Cole called me and said she wanted to go out for a drive and I was like "LET'S GO!!!" And she came and got me and we just drove around for almost 3 hours it was wonderful!!!

Josh and I are so lucky to have Cole in our lives she is the only person here who has accepted us as we are, has accepted that Josh's health issue can cause massive problems but she doesn't judge us or use it against us or anything and I love her for that!

I love that I can trust her to go out with Josh and know she would keep him calm if something happened

I love that she doesn't laugh at me for my social issues that she doesn't judge of expect or anything

I'm so glad I have her and now that I know she does middle of the night drives, I have a feeling well be doing it a LOT more :)

I'm hoping if we start doing this, ill be a step closer to who I used to be

I've accepted the Washington version of me is gone, she will never totally come back there's no way to go back and pretend I haven't been though all I've been though with Josh last year

But I'm hoping that slowly pieces of that girl will come back... I felt her today and I miss her so much it felt so good :)

Thank you Cole for being a fantastic friend and a wonderful person WE LOVE YOU :)

I wish...

I wish I had the problems the wives at Ft Myer have...

I wish my biggest problem was what day the ball would be or what time my husband was getting home

I wish I thought the worst thing in the world was CQ or a few days in the field

I wish I didn't know the pain of watching your husband board a plane for the Middle East, kissing him good bye and not knowing if you'd ever see him alive again

I wish I could just smile and act like everything is perfect

I wish everything was perfect

I wish for one second I could switch places with some of these women let them see how awful things could really be what it feels like to lay in bed at night alone AGAIN sobbing because you can't remember what he smells like or what it felt like to touch him

I wish I never had to spend months convincing myself that my husband was real and I didn't just make him up

I wish I didn't miss years with Josh, miss days with him we can never get back

I wish he was healthy

I wish we never came here

I wish I would have kept my big mouth shut and kept pretending

I wish these women could see how lucky they are and understand how heartbreaking what we have been though is

I wish we weren't being forced to give up everything we know

I wish we could go back to Ft Lewis

I wish we could go back in time

I wish I wish I wish...

Now and Then

I can't help but stop and think about how far I've come in the past 10 years... If 10 years ago you told me I've be married to a combat vet and we'd own our house I would laugh...

This isn't how I saw my life... Sometimes I wonder what I saw for my life...

A huge part of me never thought I'd leave New Jersey... I had a boyfriend when I was in HS (All though HS it was very serious and honestly as much as I don't like to admit this, 10 years ago if you woulda asked me who I saw myself with it would have been him but it ended very VERY quickly when I met Josh... I had no doubt in my mind the day I met Josh that I was going to marry him and I broke up with Matt that very night but thats another story for another blog) and one of our big fights was that I wasn't ok with not living in NJ... That alone should show you how much I love Josh I not only left NJ but moved as far across the US as possible without crossing an ocean

I still have an issue with being far from Jersey but I'm dealing with it... I'm realizing home is where my husband is <3

That Ex I was talking about above, I just found out he got married and I didn't feel jealous or upset or anything except happy! I sent him an email and congratulated him and his new wife I'm truly happy for him and so glad he has found happiness and I hope they are as happy as Josh and I are :D

10 years ago I never saw myself married to a soldier... Honestly, I was completely against the war... Don't get me wrong, I wasn't against the military it's not like they woke up in the morning and were like "I think we should go invade a middle eastern country!" They did as they were told but I didn't believe in the war in Iraq...

10 years ago I was a totally different person and honestly at times I miss her... But during my time visiting WA I found pieces of her again and that makes me so happy

How far is too far?

So I haven't really talked about this topic much but I might as well do it now, I mean it's a huge part of what we have going on here...

Josh and I have been seriously talking about starting a family these past few months we both know we want children it's just as issue of is now the "right time" I mean we're 25, we are both pretty selfish and self involved... He likes to go hang at the VFW I like I stay up all night and sleep all day, we both like to take random trips where we just throw Guinness and the car and go and then there's all the issues of his health and the MEB and how that's going to effect our future... So basically were stuck :/

We know we're going to need help getting pregnant it's not something that's just going to happen for us like it does for most... Because of the side effects of his meds were going to have to carefully plan it all out and may need medications or possibly IUI or IVF... And that's where things get blurred for me...

How far is too far?

Do we want a child bad enough to have him skip his meds for a few days when I'm ovulating? What if that's not enough? Do I want to take medications that could cause multiplies? Do I want to give myself shot after shot of hormones which may or may not work or again could cause multiplies? Ethically am I ok with "playing God" with IVF? What do we do with the "left overs", what if I end up pregnant with 4, 5 or 6? Do we believe in selective abortion? Do we risk my health to attempt to carry them all and end up with a bunch of babies in the nicu who may or may not survive and if they do could have lasting health issues?

Do we want a child that badly?

And further more, do we want said child now?

I see all my friends getting pregnant and having children and part of me wants that too I spend time with their kids and sometimes want my own but other times I can't Stand them!

I know it's different when they are yours because you raise them how you want they listen to you but am I ready to give up my life as I know it for someone else?

Tomorrow we have a therapy appt and I think I'm gonna bring this topic up and see if the dr has any books she can recommend on the ethical side of this... I mean there's no right or wrong answer there it's all gonna come down to what we believe :/

So... How far is too far?