Before I go any further into this point I want to start by saying this was OUR experience, and like everything else it could be very different for someone else but for us Poplar Springs was a God Sent
When I got there they hugged me, welcomed me with open arms, offered me dinner as soon as I got there and brought me coffee while dinner cooked
The facility itself was beautiful it felt more like we were at a YMCA camp then in a psych ward... Well besides the 2 giant alarmed doors that locked behind you hehe
There were 3 TV areas one was really cool and set up like a movie theater, a beautiful patio and a nice walking trail... Josh and I spent many hours talking and talking and even more cuddles up watching movies
The staff was fantastic, the other patients were all active duty military and they were so kind and helpful all of them truly wanting to heal, all combat wounded like Josh... I heard stories there that were heartbreaking and the fact that they trusted me enough to share their pain with me meant the world
I would offer to leave when they'd start talking and they would say no stay your one of us now too
Josh and I pulled our marriage back from the brink of disaster within those walls
The more days he was on his meds the more and more I could see him coming back to me until finally I went one day and without question it was josh I was talking to the man I love the man I would die for I was so happy I cried and brought the nurses cupcakes to thank them for giving me my husband back
I mean how do you thank someone for something like that? How do you thank someone for saving your marriage, for saving your husbands life?
If anyone can think up a way please let me know because those nurses deserve it!!!
Friday, February 1, 2013
???
Hey everyone I know some of you read this a lot so could you please comment and tell me what you'd like to see more of? And share this to more people? I really want our story to be a warning tale so it doesn't happen to other families thanks!! :)
The bad time
The part of "the bad time" that upset me the most was that I wasn't dealing with Josh, I was dealing with Fred and I can't read Fred I don't know Fred...
Josh I can handle I know what he's gonna do in situations I know Josh wouldn't hurt me I know he knows what would send me to the point of a nervous breakdown and would never ever push me that far, he wouldn't even let me get close to there
But Fred... Fred doesn't care... He doesn't care how bad I hurt, he doesn't care how bad anyone hurts... Honestly I believe he thrives on the heartache and pain he causes like that's what gives him power that's what makes him feel good...
I remember my friend calling and telling her over and over "this isn't Josh I have no idea what's going to happen next I have no idea what's going on I have no idea what the next minute holds I don't know who my husband is anymore I don't even know if I HAVE a husband anymore I just don't know anything" I repeated myself a lot back then
I have very VERY few memories of the week when I wasn't allowed to see or talk to Josh...
I remember talking to Kasey, other friends tell me I talked to him but made my sense, I remember going to church and lighting a candle and sitting in the church sobbing, praying, begging God to make the pain go away begging him to bring my husband back to me begging him to make it better
I remember going to my grandpa's grave and sitting there in the pouring rain telling him everything that was happening and how I wished I could hug him and how I wished he was there to tell me what to do next grandpa was always able to calm me down it was really weird but while I was there I swear I could feel him hugging me I could feel my head against his stomach the way it was when I was a child and could run up and hug him I could smell him... It was like he was there and for a few moments I felt a bit of peace and honestly I knew at that moment everything would be ok
(A little off topic but when I told Josh about this he asked me what time and I told him around noon and he was like wow that's creepy around that same time I got this overwhelming feeling in my stomach and I couldn't think of anything but how much I missed you and then I heard your grandpa say "call her" he called an hour later)
When he finally called it was my birthday... I was driving home from the cemetery, soaked, and he called and told me he loved me and how sorry he was and that he wanted to see me that day and told me how to get to where he was
It took me almost 8 hours to get there and when I finally did it was like for the first time in weeks I was able to breathe I remember running to him and him wrapping his arms around me and letting out the deepest breath against his chest
I ended up staying at a hotel next door to the hospital for the whole month
Ill write about the hospital tomorrow that doesn't upset me to write about believe it or not Poplar Springs was a good thing for us it saved my marriage :)
Josh I can handle I know what he's gonna do in situations I know Josh wouldn't hurt me I know he knows what would send me to the point of a nervous breakdown and would never ever push me that far, he wouldn't even let me get close to there
But Fred... Fred doesn't care... He doesn't care how bad I hurt, he doesn't care how bad anyone hurts... Honestly I believe he thrives on the heartache and pain he causes like that's what gives him power that's what makes him feel good...
I remember my friend calling and telling her over and over "this isn't Josh I have no idea what's going to happen next I have no idea what's going on I have no idea what the next minute holds I don't know who my husband is anymore I don't even know if I HAVE a husband anymore I just don't know anything" I repeated myself a lot back then
I have very VERY few memories of the week when I wasn't allowed to see or talk to Josh...
I remember talking to Kasey, other friends tell me I talked to him but made my sense, I remember going to church and lighting a candle and sitting in the church sobbing, praying, begging God to make the pain go away begging him to bring my husband back to me begging him to make it better
I remember going to my grandpa's grave and sitting there in the pouring rain telling him everything that was happening and how I wished I could hug him and how I wished he was there to tell me what to do next grandpa was always able to calm me down it was really weird but while I was there I swear I could feel him hugging me I could feel my head against his stomach the way it was when I was a child and could run up and hug him I could smell him... It was like he was there and for a few moments I felt a bit of peace and honestly I knew at that moment everything would be ok
(A little off topic but when I told Josh about this he asked me what time and I told him around noon and he was like wow that's creepy around that same time I got this overwhelming feeling in my stomach and I couldn't think of anything but how much I missed you and then I heard your grandpa say "call her" he called an hour later)
When he finally called it was my birthday... I was driving home from the cemetery, soaked, and he called and told me he loved me and how sorry he was and that he wanted to see me that day and told me how to get to where he was
It took me almost 8 hours to get there and when I finally did it was like for the first time in weeks I was able to breathe I remember running to him and him wrapping his arms around me and letting out the deepest breath against his chest
I ended up staying at a hotel next door to the hospital for the whole month
Ill write about the hospital tomorrow that doesn't upset me to write about believe it or not Poplar Springs was a good thing for us it saved my marriage :)
Memories
I'm having a rather calm day today, so I think I'm gonna try to talk a little about "the bad time"
My memories of the bad time are weird... I have flashes that I can't escape and huge parts I can't remember at all
I remember waking up on Thursday morning and just knowing in the out of my stomach something was horribly wrong I called his 1sgt and talked to him and he said Josh was fine and then my phone rang and it was Ft Belvoir Hospital they simply told me he was hospitalized and that I wasn't allowed to know anything else I still panic any time someone calls me from that hospital... Hell talking about or driving past the hospital triggers a panic attack sometimes... I was having a super calm day and forcing myself to remember that day is making my heart rate rise...
I remember screaming and calling my mother in law begging her to fly here from AZ (I'm VERY close to my MiL ill write about that in my next post) she clearly couldn't just get on a plane but she told me to call a taxi and go to the hospital so I did
I went to patient Advocey with my PoA and they called his Dr down... She said he signed to tell me anything but didn't want to see me for 48 hours I felt like all the air was being sucked out of my lungs I couldn't think I couldn't breathe
I laid in bed all night unable to close my eyes, take a full breathe or stop shaking
I remember the shaking the most
My Facebook status was "I didn't think it was possible to feel any worse then I did the day I put Josh on the plane to Afghanistan... I was wrong." I didn't talk to anyone, I wouldn't tell anyone
I felt so alone...
I ended up driving back to Nj with Guinness the next morning and going to the ER there... I sat on the bed shaking still telling them I hadn't slept in 2 days and that my husband tried to kill himself and I was going to have a melt down if I didn't sleep
They have me ambian and a hug and sent me home
I got back to my parents house at about 9am and took an ambian I laid in my childhood bed and stared at the ceiling wishing it would fall on me and take me out of my misery
I was just about to fall asleep when my phone rang and it was Josh... He acted like nothing happened and was all "hey where are ya come take me home" um WHAT?!
We talked for a few and I was like dude you can't just leave a psych ward and I'm in NJ so he told me to sleep for a bit and then drive back and visit first thing the next morning
I was so happy to hear from him but at the same time I was so pissed at him so pissed I could barely think straight...
He let Fred take over, he let Fred hurt me, he let Fred push me to the point of a near mental breakdown
I drove back in a snow storm...
I spent the next week visiting him at Belvoir and finally his Dr called me in for an appt and told me she was sending him to a drug rehab program (he has never ever ever used drugs) and I went NUTS it was like the last straw of a week long breakdown I remember screaming at her to go fuck herself that she's fucking insane if see thinks shes gonna send my MP husband who at that point hasn't had a drink since Jamaica (this was Nov, Jamaica was the first week of May) and had never taken illegal drugs hell he barely took the medically required ones!!
She told me I had 2 options take her side or she'd put an MPO on us what we didn't know what that she already had that in the works...
Wow that's the most I've EVER been able to write about that day!!!! Tomorrow I'm gonna have Josh help me write the rest I'm really proud of myself right now this is a massive step forward in my therapy... Because I haven't been able to get that story out I haven't been able to work as much as I'd like on the book it's hard to write a book when the story that your trying to tell is the part you can't stomach to get out
It took me quite a while to be able to tell the story out loud now I've mastered that, now to type it... Seeing it in black and white is so much harder for me seeing the words is different and I don't know why
All I know is I'm not gonna be able to get past this Til I finish this book and I can't finish the book Til I force these words to leave my mind and take up a new home in the pages of this blog
My memories of the bad time are weird... I have flashes that I can't escape and huge parts I can't remember at all
I remember waking up on Thursday morning and just knowing in the out of my stomach something was horribly wrong I called his 1sgt and talked to him and he said Josh was fine and then my phone rang and it was Ft Belvoir Hospital they simply told me he was hospitalized and that I wasn't allowed to know anything else I still panic any time someone calls me from that hospital... Hell talking about or driving past the hospital triggers a panic attack sometimes... I was having a super calm day and forcing myself to remember that day is making my heart rate rise...
I remember screaming and calling my mother in law begging her to fly here from AZ (I'm VERY close to my MiL ill write about that in my next post) she clearly couldn't just get on a plane but she told me to call a taxi and go to the hospital so I did
I went to patient Advocey with my PoA and they called his Dr down... She said he signed to tell me anything but didn't want to see me for 48 hours I felt like all the air was being sucked out of my lungs I couldn't think I couldn't breathe
I laid in bed all night unable to close my eyes, take a full breathe or stop shaking
I remember the shaking the most
My Facebook status was "I didn't think it was possible to feel any worse then I did the day I put Josh on the plane to Afghanistan... I was wrong." I didn't talk to anyone, I wouldn't tell anyone
I felt so alone...
I ended up driving back to Nj with Guinness the next morning and going to the ER there... I sat on the bed shaking still telling them I hadn't slept in 2 days and that my husband tried to kill himself and I was going to have a melt down if I didn't sleep
They have me ambian and a hug and sent me home
I got back to my parents house at about 9am and took an ambian I laid in my childhood bed and stared at the ceiling wishing it would fall on me and take me out of my misery
I was just about to fall asleep when my phone rang and it was Josh... He acted like nothing happened and was all "hey where are ya come take me home" um WHAT?!
We talked for a few and I was like dude you can't just leave a psych ward and I'm in NJ so he told me to sleep for a bit and then drive back and visit first thing the next morning
I was so happy to hear from him but at the same time I was so pissed at him so pissed I could barely think straight...
He let Fred take over, he let Fred hurt me, he let Fred push me to the point of a near mental breakdown
I drove back in a snow storm...
I spent the next week visiting him at Belvoir and finally his Dr called me in for an appt and told me she was sending him to a drug rehab program (he has never ever ever used drugs) and I went NUTS it was like the last straw of a week long breakdown I remember screaming at her to go fuck herself that she's fucking insane if see thinks shes gonna send my MP husband who at that point hasn't had a drink since Jamaica (this was Nov, Jamaica was the first week of May) and had never taken illegal drugs hell he barely took the medically required ones!!
She told me I had 2 options take her side or she'd put an MPO on us what we didn't know what that she already had that in the works...
Wow that's the most I've EVER been able to write about that day!!!! Tomorrow I'm gonna have Josh help me write the rest I'm really proud of myself right now this is a massive step forward in my therapy... Because I haven't been able to get that story out I haven't been able to work as much as I'd like on the book it's hard to write a book when the story that your trying to tell is the part you can't stomach to get out
It took me quite a while to be able to tell the story out loud now I've mastered that, now to type it... Seeing it in black and white is so much harder for me seeing the words is different and I don't know why
All I know is I'm not gonna be able to get past this Til I finish this book and I can't finish the book Til I force these words to leave my mind and take up a new home in the pages of this blog
Unfair
I look at some people and get so angry...
They have life handed to them, they are lying and pretending and faking and just taking taking taking
I see these people who totally bullshit the system and take advantage of everything
I don't understand how someone who has never deployed can get 100% Va for a back injury caused by a genetic condition... But someone who lost body parts in a war only gets 70%
How someone who never saw combat can get a rating for PTSD... Call me a bitch but I don't think the military should pay for non-combat related PTSD or TBI... I'm sorry but it's not the military's fault you were in a car accident or were raped or were beaten as a child... It's sad but it's not the military's problem it's not their fault they didn't do it...
I personally think a lot of the people who claim PTSD are lying or faking to some point... There's more to PTSD then nightmares and mood swings... It's a life changing condition...
If your able to stay active duty and work though it then don't go claiming it when you get ready to ETS to up your rating...
If your not actively going to therapy you shouldn't be getting paid for PTSD clearly it's not bad enough to be effecting your everyday life if your able to work and function normally
That's just my 2 cents :/
They have life handed to them, they are lying and pretending and faking and just taking taking taking
I see these people who totally bullshit the system and take advantage of everything
I don't understand how someone who has never deployed can get 100% Va for a back injury caused by a genetic condition... But someone who lost body parts in a war only gets 70%
How someone who never saw combat can get a rating for PTSD... Call me a bitch but I don't think the military should pay for non-combat related PTSD or TBI... I'm sorry but it's not the military's fault you were in a car accident or were raped or were beaten as a child... It's sad but it's not the military's problem it's not their fault they didn't do it...
I personally think a lot of the people who claim PTSD are lying or faking to some point... There's more to PTSD then nightmares and mood swings... It's a life changing condition...
If your able to stay active duty and work though it then don't go claiming it when you get ready to ETS to up your rating...
If your not actively going to therapy you shouldn't be getting paid for PTSD clearly it's not bad enough to be effecting your everyday life if your able to work and function normally
That's just my 2 cents :/
No fear.
Josh didn't answer his phone before
I talked to him at 1:45 after his dr appt and then I tried to call him at 2:45 and 3:45 with no answer...
Last year, last month, hell last week I would have had a full blown panic attack from him not answering... I would have convinced myself that he was back in the hospital, that they took him again... All the panic attack meds in the world wouldn't have calmed me...
But not today.
I just put the phone down and went back to watching the movie that's on Lifetime movie network... No fear, no panic, my heart didn't race, my breathing didn't increase... Nothing!!
I'm calm, were almost normal again... Our lives are becoming normal... Or however close to normal I could expect with a husband who's about to be retired at 26...
I started taking Prozac and adderll and it's made all the difference in the world...
Before the meds I was freaking out all the time I couldn't focus on anything I would look at the living room or the laundry or the bedroom and not even know where to start on cleaning up... So my answer would be fuck it I'm taking a nap but now I can calmly break things down into manageable pieces and tackle the tasks one at a time
I'm not scared... I know Josh loves me I know he is in a state of mind where he can protect himself, me and our marriage. I don't feel like I need to protect him anymore I know he can handle it on his own now
I have no more fear, just joy
I talked to him at 1:45 after his dr appt and then I tried to call him at 2:45 and 3:45 with no answer...
Last year, last month, hell last week I would have had a full blown panic attack from him not answering... I would have convinced myself that he was back in the hospital, that they took him again... All the panic attack meds in the world wouldn't have calmed me...
But not today.
I just put the phone down and went back to watching the movie that's on Lifetime movie network... No fear, no panic, my heart didn't race, my breathing didn't increase... Nothing!!
I'm calm, were almost normal again... Our lives are becoming normal... Or however close to normal I could expect with a husband who's about to be retired at 26...
I started taking Prozac and adderll and it's made all the difference in the world...
Before the meds I was freaking out all the time I couldn't focus on anything I would look at the living room or the laundry or the bedroom and not even know where to start on cleaning up... So my answer would be fuck it I'm taking a nap but now I can calmly break things down into manageable pieces and tackle the tasks one at a time
I'm not scared... I know Josh loves me I know he is in a state of mind where he can protect himself, me and our marriage. I don't feel like I need to protect him anymore I know he can handle it on his own now
I have no more fear, just joy
Fred
Have I ever mentioned Fred in here? "Fred" is the nickname I've given Josh's PTSD personality... As in "Drop Dead Fred" haha
Fred is kinda an ass... He makes me cry, he feeds into my deepest fears... He says all the things I'm thinking but I'm afraid to say...
He tells me he never loved anyone, he tells me were gonna lose everything, he tells me he doesn't need me, doesn't need anyone, he tells me he'd be better off alone, he tells me everything that happened is my fault and I created this nightmare were living...
And the scariest part is Josh doesn't know Fred... He has no memory of things I say to Fred or things Fred tells me... It's like when Fred is around Josh is gone...
His eyes change, his mood changes, his voice changes, his face changes...
I'm scared of Fred.
I'm scared of the choices he makes and how they will effect the rest of our lives... He's already made choices that we can't undo...
When Josh was deployed "Fred" turned down his bronze star... Down right refused it and by the time Josh was back in control, it was too late...
Fred has alienated friends, family, co workers, Fred has ruined vacations, days off and holidays... Fred has made me question my marriage and my own sanity...
I started noticing Fred after K9 school... I'm sure he was around before that I noticed mood swings before that but we were newlyweds and I thought it was normal... he was just tired or moody... I never was able to put my finger on what was "off" about Josh...
Before the second deployment Fred was around a LOT and during it he was there more days then not... It got to a point where I almost forgot who Josh was, I thought he had totally changed into this new person...
After the deployment Josh was around for a little... And then Fred totally took over... I didn't see Josh again until after he was hospitalized...
He told me he changed and this was the person he is now and if I don't like it then I need to walk...
Since the hospitalization and the meds I see more and more of Josh, of the man I love who makes me laugh and smile and who swept me off my feet all those years ago, the man I ran away for that I gave up everything for...
Now we have many many more good days then bad, I only see Fred now if something extremely stressful happens or if Josh misses his meds for a day or 2
I can't wait for the day when Fred is gone for good! I'm not a fan :)
Fred is kinda an ass... He makes me cry, he feeds into my deepest fears... He says all the things I'm thinking but I'm afraid to say...
He tells me he never loved anyone, he tells me were gonna lose everything, he tells me he doesn't need me, doesn't need anyone, he tells me he'd be better off alone, he tells me everything that happened is my fault and I created this nightmare were living...
And the scariest part is Josh doesn't know Fred... He has no memory of things I say to Fred or things Fred tells me... It's like when Fred is around Josh is gone...
His eyes change, his mood changes, his voice changes, his face changes...
I'm scared of Fred.
I'm scared of the choices he makes and how they will effect the rest of our lives... He's already made choices that we can't undo...
When Josh was deployed "Fred" turned down his bronze star... Down right refused it and by the time Josh was back in control, it was too late...
Fred has alienated friends, family, co workers, Fred has ruined vacations, days off and holidays... Fred has made me question my marriage and my own sanity...
I started noticing Fred after K9 school... I'm sure he was around before that I noticed mood swings before that but we were newlyweds and I thought it was normal... he was just tired or moody... I never was able to put my finger on what was "off" about Josh...
Before the second deployment Fred was around a LOT and during it he was there more days then not... It got to a point where I almost forgot who Josh was, I thought he had totally changed into this new person...
After the deployment Josh was around for a little... And then Fred totally took over... I didn't see Josh again until after he was hospitalized...
He told me he changed and this was the person he is now and if I don't like it then I need to walk...
Since the hospitalization and the meds I see more and more of Josh, of the man I love who makes me laugh and smile and who swept me off my feet all those years ago, the man I ran away for that I gave up everything for...
Now we have many many more good days then bad, I only see Fred now if something extremely stressful happens or if Josh misses his meds for a day or 2
I can't wait for the day when Fred is gone for good! I'm not a fan :)
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