Friday, February 1, 2013


I'm having a rather calm day today, so I think I'm gonna try to talk a little about "the bad time"

My memories of the bad time are weird... I have flashes that I can't escape and huge parts I can't remember at all

I remember waking up on Thursday morning and just knowing in the out of my stomach something was horribly wrong I called his 1sgt and talked to him and he said Josh was fine and then my phone rang and it was Ft Belvoir Hospital they simply told me he was hospitalized and that I wasn't allowed to know anything else I still panic any time someone calls me from that hospital... Hell talking about or driving past the hospital triggers a panic attack sometimes... I was having a super calm day and forcing myself to remember that day is making my heart rate rise...

I remember screaming and calling my mother in law begging her to fly here from AZ (I'm VERY close to my MiL ill write about that in my next post) she clearly couldn't just get on a plane but she told me to call a taxi and go to the hospital so I did

I went to patient Advocey with my PoA and they called his Dr down... She said he signed to tell me anything but didn't want to see me for 48 hours I felt like all the air was being sucked out of my lungs I couldn't think I couldn't breathe

I laid in bed all night unable to close my eyes, take a full breathe or stop shaking

I remember the shaking the most

My Facebook status was "I didn't think it was possible to feel any worse then I did the day I put Josh on the plane to Afghanistan... I was wrong." I didn't talk to anyone, I wouldn't tell anyone

I felt so alone...

I ended up driving back to Nj with Guinness the next morning and going to the ER there... I sat on the bed shaking still telling them I hadn't slept in 2 days and that my husband tried to kill himself and I was going to have a melt down if I didn't sleep

They have me ambian and a hug and sent me home

I got back to my parents house at about 9am and took an ambian I laid in my childhood bed and stared at the ceiling wishing it would fall on me and take me out of my misery

I was just about to fall asleep when my phone rang and it was Josh... He acted like nothing happened and was all "hey where are ya come take me home" um WHAT?!

We talked for a few and I was like dude you can't just leave a psych ward and I'm in NJ so he told me to sleep for a bit and then drive back and visit first thing the next morning

I was so happy to hear from him but at the same time I was so pissed at him so pissed I could barely think straight...

He let Fred take over, he let Fred hurt me, he let Fred push me to the point of a near mental breakdown

I drove back in a snow storm...

I spent the next week visiting him at Belvoir and finally his Dr called me in for an appt and told me she was sending him to a drug rehab program (he has never ever ever used drugs) and I went NUTS it was like the last straw of a week long breakdown I remember screaming at her to go fuck herself that she's fucking insane if see thinks shes gonna send my MP husband who at that point hasn't had a drink since Jamaica (this was Nov, Jamaica was the first week of May) and had never taken illegal drugs hell he barely took the medically required ones!!

She told me I had 2 options take her side or she'd put an MPO on us what we didn't know what that she already had that in the works...

Wow that's the most I've EVER been able to write about that day!!!! Tomorrow I'm gonna have Josh help me write the rest I'm really proud of myself right now this is a massive step forward in my therapy... Because I haven't been able to get that story out I haven't been able to work as much as I'd like on the book it's hard to write a book when the story that your trying to tell is the part you can't stomach to get out

It took me quite a while to be able to tell the story out loud now I've mastered that, now to type it... Seeing it in black and white is so much harder for me seeing the words is different and I don't know why

All I know is I'm not gonna be able to get past this Til I finish this book and I can't finish the book Til I force these words to leave my mind and take up a new home in the pages of this blog

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