Friday, February 1, 2013

The bad time

The part of "the bad time" that upset me the most was that I wasn't dealing with Josh, I was dealing with Fred and I can't read Fred I don't know Fred...

Josh I can handle I know what he's gonna do in situations I know Josh wouldn't hurt me I know he knows what would send me to the point of a nervous breakdown and would never ever push me that far, he wouldn't even let me get close to there

But Fred... Fred doesn't care... He doesn't care how bad I hurt, he doesn't care how bad anyone hurts... Honestly I believe he thrives on the heartache and pain he causes like that's what gives him power that's what makes him feel good...

I remember my friend calling and telling her over and over "this isn't Josh I have no idea what's going to happen next I have no idea what's going on I have no idea what the next minute holds I don't know who my husband is anymore I don't even know if I HAVE a husband anymore I just don't know anything" I repeated myself a lot back then

I have very VERY few memories of the week when I wasn't allowed to see or talk to Josh...

I remember talking to Kasey, other friends tell me I talked to him but made my sense, I remember going to church and lighting a candle and sitting in the church sobbing, praying, begging God to make the pain go away begging him to bring my husband back to me begging him to make it better

I remember going to my grandpa's grave and sitting there in the pouring rain telling him everything that was happening and how I wished I could hug him and how I wished he was there to tell me what to do next grandpa was always able to calm me down it was really weird but while I was there I swear I could feel him hugging me I could feel my head against his stomach the way it was when I was a child and could run up and hug him I could smell him... It was like he was there and for a few moments I felt a bit of peace and honestly I knew at that moment everything would be ok

(A little off topic but when I told Josh about this he asked me what time and I told him around noon and he was like wow that's creepy around that same time I got this overwhelming feeling in my stomach and I couldn't think of anything but how much I missed you and then I heard your grandpa say "call her" he called an hour later)

When he finally called it was my birthday... I was driving home from the cemetery, soaked, and he called and told me he loved me and how sorry he was and that he wanted to see me that day and told me how to get to where he was

It took me almost 8 hours to get there and when I finally did it was like for the first time in weeks I was able to breathe I remember running to him and him wrapping his arms around me and letting out the deepest breath against his chest

I ended up staying at a hotel next door to the hospital for the whole month

Ill write about the hospital tomorrow that doesn't upset me to write about believe it or not Poplar Springs was a good thing for us it saved my marriage :)

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