Fred

Have I ever mentioned Fred in here? "Fred" is the nickname I've given Josh's PTSD personality... As in "Drop Dead Fred" haha

Fred is kinda an ass... He makes me cry, he feeds into my deepest fears... He says all the things I'm thinking but I'm afraid to say...

He tells me he never loved anyone, he tells me were gonna lose everything, he tells me he doesn't need me, doesn't need anyone, he tells me he'd be better off alone, he tells me everything that happened is my fault and I created this nightmare were living...

And the scariest part is Josh doesn't know Fred... He has no memory of things I say to Fred or things Fred tells me... It's like when Fred is around Josh is gone...

His eyes change, his mood changes, his voice changes, his face changes...

I'm scared of Fred.

I'm scared of the choices he makes and how they will effect the rest of our lives... He's already made choices that we can't undo...

When Josh was deployed "Fred" turned down his bronze star... Down right refused it and by the time Josh was back in control, it was too late...

Fred has alienated friends, family, co workers, Fred has ruined vacations, days off and holidays... Fred has made me question my marriage and my own sanity...

I started noticing Fred after K9 school... I'm sure he was around before that I noticed mood swings before that but we were newlyweds and I thought it was normal... he was just tired or moody... I never was able to put my finger on what was "off" about Josh...

Before the second deployment Fred was around a LOT and during it he was there more days then not... It got to a point where I almost forgot who Josh was, I thought he had totally changed into this new person...

After the deployment Josh was around for a little... And then Fred totally took over... I didn't see Josh again until after he was hospitalized...

He told me he changed and this was the person he is now and if I don't like it then I need to walk...

Since the hospitalization and the meds I see more and more of Josh, of the man I love who makes me laugh and smile and who swept me off my feet all those years ago, the man I ran away for that I gave up everything for...

Now we have many many more good days then bad, I only see Fred now if something extremely stressful happens or if Josh misses his meds for a day or 2

I can't wait for the day when Fred is gone for good! I'm not a fan :)