It's 1am... Guinness is sleeping at my feet, Jameson on the futon in the green room, Josh by my side... I'm watching TV, Strong Medicine reruns still... I'm on the final season and surprisingly calm right now so I figured I might as well try to pump out some memories I have from when Josh was sick memories I have but most of the time can't even process leg alone talk or write about but now that I'm planning on going to the WWP retreat I really need to get this writing started so that it's ready for the book...
I knew. I knew from the moment I woke up that day that something was very very wrong I knew deep in my chest, in the pit of my stomach that Josh was in the hospital and when I got the phone call that confirmed my fears I lost it... I called my mother in law screaming I couldn't form a full sentence I couldn't think straight I couldn't process what was going on I couldn't move all I could do was scream...
I called a taxi and went over to Belvoir and sat in the waiting room for hours then I went home and I remember laying in bed and shaking... Sleep meds didn't help, holding Guinness didn't help, seeing or smelling any of Josh's things made it worse if that was at all possible
Guinness knew I was upset she tried so hard to comfort me... She pulled the blanket over me with her teeth and tried to lick my cheek... I was in such shock I couldn't even cry... I just laid there with my eyes wide open and looking straight ahead... I didn't get a wink of sleep that night I called the hospital every hour to check on Josh and all they would tell me was that he was stable it was the most stressful night of my life...
I would lay there and go to pick up my phone to call him then remember he wouldn't answer I would go to roll over to talk to him and he wasn't there I would go to call for him to let Guinness out then remember he wasn't here... And each time it was like being shot in the chest again... I wished I could just die so the pain could stop...
Wow I can't believe I just typed all that I can't believe I'm still calm, still breathing, still watching TV without crying... I can feel Josh next to me his leg is touching my thigh I can feel the heat from his body and its calming to me I touch his back and kiss his cheek and know he's there and everything is right in the world, I'm ok, he's ok, our family is ok...
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Ready to Fly
So these past few months I'm been debating if I wanna go on the New York Writing Retreat with Wounded Warrior Project... The last one was fun but it seemed that for every good thing I had 3 bad things :/
I met some great women, but I also met some awful system abusing assholes...
I enjoyed learning from the mentors but I couldn't stand listening to some of the women read their work and complain about shit that is so petty I wanted to hit them...
I decided though that I'm gonna go and enjoy the ladies I met and loved and learn all I can from the mentors its kinda once in a lifetime thing to get to learn from some of the most well known writers in the entertainment world...
I can't let other people control me and I need to learn to control my panic and stress... I'm gonna bring my panic meds and hope for the best
I'm also going to be more honest with the WWP staff about my issues and stressors and explain I may just want to be alone after dinner...
I'm kinda worried about it but I have to relax... I have to accept that people suck and I can't change them but I can learn who I don't want to be one day...
I met some great women, but I also met some awful system abusing assholes...
I enjoyed learning from the mentors but I couldn't stand listening to some of the women read their work and complain about shit that is so petty I wanted to hit them...
I decided though that I'm gonna go and enjoy the ladies I met and loved and learn all I can from the mentors its kinda once in a lifetime thing to get to learn from some of the most well known writers in the entertainment world...
I can't let other people control me and I need to learn to control my panic and stress... I'm gonna bring my panic meds and hope for the best
I'm also going to be more honest with the WWP staff about my issues and stressors and explain I may just want to be alone after dinner...
I'm kinda worried about it but I have to relax... I have to accept that people suck and I can't change them but I can learn who I don't want to be one day...
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Nothing to report
Nothing exciting has happened around here lately just been catching up on TV and relaxing with the hubby hehe
On Saturday night we went to the Gala for Cancer Research at our VFW it was kinda sorta awesome heeh
I won 2 free nights in Savanna GA and 2 free rights in Orlando Fl all from The Hampton Inn! Very exciting! We're planning to take a nice little drive down there and just relax and take it easy Josh wants to go hunting in GA so I asked him if we could do that in GA and go to Sea World in FL and he agreed :) we're doing Disney in the fall so I don't wanna end up going 5 times in 24 months haha
Josh also won a prize too! He's far more excited about his then mine hehe he won't 150 free drinks at our VFW!
Then on Sunday we took a random ride down to Bass Pro Shop about 2 hours away it was a lot of fun we made a whole day of it stopping at Sonic for slushes and lunch then walked around the store for a while normally not my idea of a good time but Josh loves it so it made me happy to see him happy :) we were looking at stuff he'd need for his hunting trip in GA and while there we found out dogs are welcome in Bass Pro Shop so next weekend well be taking Guinness down there :)
This weekend we already have plans!
On Saturday I'm having a bunch of girl friends over for a Pure Romance Party to celebrate a good friend getting married I'm pretty excited were gonna play a game where we all bring a pair of (new) panties in the Brides size I'm going tomorrow to buy the sluttiest pair I can find hahahahaha
Then on Sunday there is a gun show at our VFW that Josh has been looking forward to so after breakfast well be headed over there to hopefully find a new shot gun for the hunting trip :)
We're also planning a trip to Dublin Ireland and to New Orleans for later in the year we talked about it and we might as well travel as much as we can before we have kids
Oh yeah about kids!
We have agreed (with the help of my dr) that I should finish losing weight and get my ankle totally fixed before adding a pregnancy into the mix... I'm 0.9lb from my first weight watchers goal and about 40lb from totally 100% happy I've lost 15 so far :)
Alrighty I gotta run ill try to update more often :)
On Saturday night we went to the Gala for Cancer Research at our VFW it was kinda sorta awesome heeh
I won 2 free nights in Savanna GA and 2 free rights in Orlando Fl all from The Hampton Inn! Very exciting! We're planning to take a nice little drive down there and just relax and take it easy Josh wants to go hunting in GA so I asked him if we could do that in GA and go to Sea World in FL and he agreed :) we're doing Disney in the fall so I don't wanna end up going 5 times in 24 months haha
Josh also won a prize too! He's far more excited about his then mine hehe he won't 150 free drinks at our VFW!
Then on Sunday we took a random ride down to Bass Pro Shop about 2 hours away it was a lot of fun we made a whole day of it stopping at Sonic for slushes and lunch then walked around the store for a while normally not my idea of a good time but Josh loves it so it made me happy to see him happy :) we were looking at stuff he'd need for his hunting trip in GA and while there we found out dogs are welcome in Bass Pro Shop so next weekend well be taking Guinness down there :)
This weekend we already have plans!
On Saturday I'm having a bunch of girl friends over for a Pure Romance Party to celebrate a good friend getting married I'm pretty excited were gonna play a game where we all bring a pair of (new) panties in the Brides size I'm going tomorrow to buy the sluttiest pair I can find hahahahaha
Then on Sunday there is a gun show at our VFW that Josh has been looking forward to so after breakfast well be headed over there to hopefully find a new shot gun for the hunting trip :)
We're also planning a trip to Dublin Ireland and to New Orleans for later in the year we talked about it and we might as well travel as much as we can before we have kids
Oh yeah about kids!
We have agreed (with the help of my dr) that I should finish losing weight and get my ankle totally fixed before adding a pregnancy into the mix... I'm 0.9lb from my first weight watchers goal and about 40lb from totally 100% happy I've lost 15 so far :)
Alrighty I gotta run ill try to update more often :)
Jameson, meet the world :)
So today was a big day in the Tucker house! Josh surprised me with a 1 year old kitten! His name is Jameson Ireland Tucker and I kinda sorta love him hehehe
I've been begging Josh for months for a kitten and we haven't found the right one til now :) we wanted a larger breed, older, adoptable cat who is friendly and social and boy did we find our perfect little guy!
He is just perfect he purrs in his sleep, cuddles, loves to be pet, is playful and funny, and meows at me if I meow at him!
It's gonna take a few days to get Guinness and Jameson to be best friends but it'll happen :)
World, meet Jameson!
I've been begging Josh for months for a kitten and we haven't found the right one til now :) we wanted a larger breed, older, adoptable cat who is friendly and social and boy did we find our perfect little guy!
He is just perfect he purrs in his sleep, cuddles, loves to be pet, is playful and funny, and meows at me if I meow at him!
It's gonna take a few days to get Guinness and Jameson to be best friends but it'll happen :)
World, meet Jameson!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Graduated
So do I get a party for graduating therapy?
Since Josh got really bad I've been going to therapy at least once a week... Sometimes as many as 3 times a week depending on how bad Josh was but lately I've been doing a lot better and everyone including my therapist is taking notice
The last few times I've gone to therapy I've really had nothing to talk about Its kinda weird to say this but I don't care as much anymore
I mean I care I DEFF care but I can't let what happened last year over power my life I can't let them win
When you break it down, I won. I have my husband and he's doing a lot better... Fuck them. They can't ruin my marriage I won't allow it!
So on Friday I went and the therapist basically told me I was doing a lot better and she didn't see a need for me to go as often anymore she said once a month should be good and that I have basically graduated therapy she still has to see me once a month because of my meds but other then that I'm 100 times better :)
I'm glad that I'm doing better but I can't help but fear when the other shoe is gonna drop...
I'm scared about the MEB :/ some people get 100% and others get 20% both having the same symptoms... What if Josh only gets 20%? How long is this gonna end up taking? One of the SGTs in Josh's unit has been waiting on his PEB since Oct... But I have a friend who's husband moved though it all super fast...
I wish I knew a date I wish I could plan ahead this whole waiting thing is making me nuts I don't like not knowing which pay check will be our last, how much I need saved to be sure our mortgage payment can be made while we wait for the VA pay to kick in, when he should apply for college to be sure he gets in...
There's so much to plan and none of it can happen til we have a percent and a date and honestly part of me doesn't want to get either thing because it means this is all really over...
I dunno...
Since Josh got really bad I've been going to therapy at least once a week... Sometimes as many as 3 times a week depending on how bad Josh was but lately I've been doing a lot better and everyone including my therapist is taking notice
The last few times I've gone to therapy I've really had nothing to talk about Its kinda weird to say this but I don't care as much anymore
I mean I care I DEFF care but I can't let what happened last year over power my life I can't let them win
When you break it down, I won. I have my husband and he's doing a lot better... Fuck them. They can't ruin my marriage I won't allow it!
So on Friday I went and the therapist basically told me I was doing a lot better and she didn't see a need for me to go as often anymore she said once a month should be good and that I have basically graduated therapy she still has to see me once a month because of my meds but other then that I'm 100 times better :)
I'm glad that I'm doing better but I can't help but fear when the other shoe is gonna drop...
I'm scared about the MEB :/ some people get 100% and others get 20% both having the same symptoms... What if Josh only gets 20%? How long is this gonna end up taking? One of the SGTs in Josh's unit has been waiting on his PEB since Oct... But I have a friend who's husband moved though it all super fast...
I wish I knew a date I wish I could plan ahead this whole waiting thing is making me nuts I don't like not knowing which pay check will be our last, how much I need saved to be sure our mortgage payment can be made while we wait for the VA pay to kick in, when he should apply for college to be sure he gets in...
There's so much to plan and none of it can happen til we have a percent and a date and honestly part of me doesn't want to get either thing because it means this is all really over...
I dunno...
Friday, March 15, 2013
Amazed
So it's 3:40am I'm sitting up watching reruns of "Strong Medicine" it's a show that was on Lifetime in the early 2000s that I used to watch with my mom, I ordered season 1 off amazon about a week ago and then tried to order season 2 and found it isn't on DVD BUT I got lucky! All 6 seasons are on YouTube so I'm enjoying a trip down memory lane :)
It's amazing what 25mg of adderll can do to a girl! Normally if I'm up at 3:45am I'm tweaking out, paranoid, thinking about everything that could go wrong but instead I'm laying here smiling and thinking about how blessed I am
My husband is amazing... Even though he's sick he works so hard to keep it under control
He said this weekend he's going to work on a quilt with me because I've been trying to find interest in things he likes :)
I feel like a HS freak giggling about a crush haha
That's one thing I don't like about my meds I feel like I can't write as well I can't use words like I'd like I have zero memory :/
SHIT speaking of zero memory I have to go to the dr at 11am! Guess I gotta get to bed! More later!!
It's amazing what 25mg of adderll can do to a girl! Normally if I'm up at 3:45am I'm tweaking out, paranoid, thinking about everything that could go wrong but instead I'm laying here smiling and thinking about how blessed I am
My husband is amazing... Even though he's sick he works so hard to keep it under control
He said this weekend he's going to work on a quilt with me because I've been trying to find interest in things he likes :)
I feel like a HS freak giggling about a crush haha
That's one thing I don't like about my meds I feel like I can't write as well I can't use words like I'd like I have zero memory :/
SHIT speaking of zero memory I have to go to the dr at 11am! Guess I gotta get to bed! More later!!
Friday, March 8, 2013
Awful to admit
I can't believe I'm writing this... I feel like the worst person in the world admitting this but I have to... I have to be totally honest here because if I'm not, where can I be totally honest?
Sometimes I wish Josh had a physical injury that people can see when they look at him...
People look at him and see a healthy 6'5 man they see the medicated side of him and they hear us say what is going on and then they say things like
"It's not THAT bad is it?"
"At least he still has all his limbs"
"Just think at least he's healthy and whole"
And I stand there dumbfounded...
YES it's that bad... Yeah he has his arms and legs too bad he lost his brain... And are you fucking stupid he's not healthy!!!
People have made PTSD into a joke they fake it so much, abuse the system so much, lie so much that everyone thinks its fake and made up and bullshit...
It's ruining our lives...
If he had a physical injury so many things would have been different... Noone could tell me I caused his problems, no one could say he's faking, no one could say we're exaggerating because you could look at him and clearly see the injury with your eyes... There would be no speculation, it wouldn't be at the thoughts of the doctors... It would be black and white. No gray... I had the color gray...
It's easy to see how lost limbs effect someone's life, no one can fight that it's cut and dry the process is simple and the same across the board but mental injuries are different how do I explain how hard it is to be living with a stranger? How do I express what it's like to not know the man who's laying in bed next to you...
Never knowing which side of him your gonna get never knowing who's gonna wake up never knowing if it will be a good day or bad day...
Sometimes he changes in seconds... He's totally fine and then BAM he's an ass...
So today I'm gonna take a stand against this... When he comes up stairs in a few mins (he's down stairs playing with Guinness hehe) I'm gonna call my friend Trevor and have him 3 way his friend Allan and the 4 of us are going to come up with a plan to ensure Josh gets the treatment he needs and the rating he deserves I refuse to be thrown under the bus again, pushed aside anymore, treated like a second rate citizen ever again and if that means we have to be the whistle blowers against Ft Belvoir Hospital, Radar Clinic and the Old Guard then fine! So be it!
If they have done these things to us then it means they've done these things to other people and I refuse to let it happen to anyone else...
I have a feeling things are gonna get wild around here soon... Part of me is worried about what they are gonna do to fight back when we go at them with all we have I know how they work they're most def gonna fight back but I won't be scared anymore!!!
I will NOT let them scare me anymore I will NOT let them hurt my family again. I will NOT let them hurt another family.
I'm preparing to go to war... Just because you can't see his injuries doesn't mean they aren't there and I'm about to bring his injuries into light!
Sometimes I wish Josh had a physical injury that people can see when they look at him...
People look at him and see a healthy 6'5 man they see the medicated side of him and they hear us say what is going on and then they say things like
"It's not THAT bad is it?"
"At least he still has all his limbs"
"Just think at least he's healthy and whole"
And I stand there dumbfounded...
YES it's that bad... Yeah he has his arms and legs too bad he lost his brain... And are you fucking stupid he's not healthy!!!
People have made PTSD into a joke they fake it so much, abuse the system so much, lie so much that everyone thinks its fake and made up and bullshit...
It's ruining our lives...
If he had a physical injury so many things would have been different... Noone could tell me I caused his problems, no one could say he's faking, no one could say we're exaggerating because you could look at him and clearly see the injury with your eyes... There would be no speculation, it wouldn't be at the thoughts of the doctors... It would be black and white. No gray... I had the color gray...
It's easy to see how lost limbs effect someone's life, no one can fight that it's cut and dry the process is simple and the same across the board but mental injuries are different how do I explain how hard it is to be living with a stranger? How do I express what it's like to not know the man who's laying in bed next to you...
Never knowing which side of him your gonna get never knowing who's gonna wake up never knowing if it will be a good day or bad day...
Sometimes he changes in seconds... He's totally fine and then BAM he's an ass...
So today I'm gonna take a stand against this... When he comes up stairs in a few mins (he's down stairs playing with Guinness hehe) I'm gonna call my friend Trevor and have him 3 way his friend Allan and the 4 of us are going to come up with a plan to ensure Josh gets the treatment he needs and the rating he deserves I refuse to be thrown under the bus again, pushed aside anymore, treated like a second rate citizen ever again and if that means we have to be the whistle blowers against Ft Belvoir Hospital, Radar Clinic and the Old Guard then fine! So be it!
If they have done these things to us then it means they've done these things to other people and I refuse to let it happen to anyone else...
I have a feeling things are gonna get wild around here soon... Part of me is worried about what they are gonna do to fight back when we go at them with all we have I know how they work they're most def gonna fight back but I won't be scared anymore!!!
I will NOT let them scare me anymore I will NOT let them hurt my family again. I will NOT let them hurt another family.
I'm preparing to go to war... Just because you can't see his injuries doesn't mean they aren't there and I'm about to bring his injuries into light!
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