Late night memories

It's 1am... Guinness is sleeping at my feet, Jameson on the futon in the green room, Josh by my side... I'm watching TV, Strong Medicine reruns still... I'm on the final season and surprisingly calm right now so I figured I might as well try to pump out some memories I have from when Josh was sick memories I have but most of the time can't even process leg alone talk or write about but now that I'm planning on going to the WWP retreat I really need to get this writing started so that it's ready for the book...

I knew. I knew from the moment I woke up that day that something was very very wrong I knew deep in my chest, in the pit of my stomach that Josh was in the hospital and when I got the phone call that confirmed my fears I lost it... I called my mother in law screaming I couldn't form a full sentence I couldn't think straight I couldn't process what was going on I couldn't move all I could do was scream...

I called a taxi and went over to Belvoir and sat in the waiting room for hours then I went home and I remember laying in bed and shaking... Sleep meds didn't help, holding Guinness didn't help, seeing or smelling any of Josh's things made it worse if that was at all possible

Guinness knew I was upset she tried so hard to comfort me... She pulled the blanket over me with her teeth and tried to lick my cheek... I was in such shock I couldn't even cry... I just laid there with my eyes wide open and looking straight ahead... I didn't get a wink of sleep that night I called the hospital every hour to check on Josh and all they would tell me was that he was stable it was the most stressful night of my life...

I would lay there and go to pick up my phone to call him then remember he wouldn't answer I would go to roll over to talk to him and he wasn't there I would go to call for him to let Guinness out then remember he wasn't here... And each time it was like being shot in the chest again... I wished I could just die so the pain could stop...

Wow I can't believe I just typed all that I can't believe I'm still calm, still breathing, still watching TV without crying... I can feel Josh next to me his leg is touching my thigh I can feel the heat from his body and its calming to me I touch his back and kiss his cheek and know he's there and everything is right in the world, I'm ok, he's ok, our family is ok...