The Psychic Visit

Something happened to me a few years ago that I can't seem to get off my mind lately...

As I've said before, I have a psychic that I go to all the time but this is the story of the first time I went to her... this is what she told me...

It was on the boardwalk in Point Pleasant NJ, August of 2009... Josh and I had just had our big wedding and at this point he didn't have any deployment orders yet.

I had seen her office before many times but never went in for some reason on this day I wanted to... I took off my wedding rings and handed them to Josh then pulled my hair into a pony tale and by the time I was done I look maybe 18 or 19 most deff not like a 21 year old married woman...

I went in and sat down I chose a full life tarot reading at this visit and she began... She had me cut the cards into 3 piles then cut them again and then one more time but this time she told me to think of a question I had but not say the question out loud... the question was a little odd but I wanted to know if he was my true soul mate I knew what I felt but I wanted to know if the universe saw it the same way I did...

She put the cards into their spots and then began turning them over one by one... As soon as she turned over the first card she said "Your married... He does something dangerous for a living... and I see a partner by his side but I don't get the sense that its a human partner" (Josh was a K9 MP at the time) then she turned the next card and said "He's going to deploy in early spring" and thats when her behavior changed she looked me in the eye and said "Can he get out of it?" and I said no and tears welled up in her eyes... Normally your not supposed to ask questions but I said "Is he going to be killed" (I assumed worst cast because she looked like she was trying not to cry) and she said "No. I see death all around him but he will come home... alive" she was careful in the way she said alive though and I said "So he's going to be injured" and she said yes and I said how bad and she said not all wounds are visible...

She told me he would be sent on a 12 month tour but she saw him coming home at month 7 and his partner wasn't with him (I spent 7 months convinced his dog was going to die and I remember clear as day when he came home on R&R as I stood at the bottom of the stairs watching him walk down them to me thinking "OMG its month 7 and hes coming home without his dog! SHES NOT GONNA DIE!) then she told me how he would come home and be hospitalized but he would be ok and be would be diagnosed with PTSD

She said she saw us having 3 children (All psychics I've been to as well as Josh and His mom have gone all said 3 kids for us)

When he was hospitalized I hate to admit this but the only time I left the house when I was in NJ was to go to my psychic... She knew he was in the hospital before I even said anything and told me everything I needed to hear... she's amazing and I love her

I plan to go again next time I'm home... I think I'm ready to ask the hard questions... and I wanna know what those last words between me and grandpa were...

Josh has gone to see her as well (On a diff day and I wasn't with him) and he said as soon as he walked in she said "I met your wife the other day hows your dog" before he even sat down and was able to give him details about his deployments that noone besides me, him and the people who were there knew... he told him he needs to unload some of his baggage before he can heal... But that he would heal and that our lives would go on...

The Tightrope

I always feel like I'm walking a tight rope before two massive sky scrapers and I'm trying so hard to balance so I don't fall... Sometimes theres a safety net, others theres not... but I'm always walking it...

People say I'm a controlling wife because I guard him... I control what movies are shown in my home, I blocked the military channel on Comcast, I watch closely when he's playing video games for any sign of distress, I time our trips to stores perfectly to avoid crowds, I ask for our check to be brought with our food and boxes as soon as we sit down when we go out to eat and always ask for the table closest to the exit so I can get him out quick if needed, We don't go to clubs because the loud music upsets him and make sure to go to quiet hole in the wall bars if we're going to have a drink to avoid people bumping into him...

I do these things not to be controlling but to keep some sort of peace in his life and in our marriage... These things control the symptoms they don't control him and if any of them go wrong, I fall off the tightrope and its days when things go wrong that I have no safety net...

I try so hard to protect him and it breaks my heart when people mistaken my love for him for something abusive... sometimes I feel like we live in a world that would rather see something wrong with a family then see what I'm doing as a positive move to protect him...

If it were my child we were talking about and my child were autistic and hated the color red, would I be a bad mother if I kept red things out of my home? NO! I'd be searching for peace! 

I just want him to find peace... I just don't want to fall off the tightrope... or atleast give me an umbrella to cushion the fall...  

Blurred Lines

So Josh and I got into quite a discussion  today... Where does his PTSD end and mine pick up? What part of this story is his, what is mine and what is ours? What trauma is his to own and what is mine? Most importantly What do I need to come to terms with and what does he?

Some parts of the story are easy... Clearly the original trauma is all his I would never try to take that from him I will never understand what he went though in a million years and I've given up trying to I've stopped saying I understand because I don't and I've stopped saying its ok because its not and I've stopped saying go back to sleep it'll be better in the morning because it won't.

Clearly the secondary trauma is mine. I need to own it and I find myself saying more and more often "You just don't get it!" and until this convo tonight I really didn't think he did but for the first time I was able to say more then "You just don't get it" I explained what he didn't get... He didn't get that I am as scarred as he is and while his monsters are so very real they are also on the other side of the world for the most part... My monsters are miles away, They control my life, they control his life... they hold our fate in their hands they can take him from me at any moment... They totally abused their power and they destroyed me as a person... they killed a huge part of who I was that day... They took someone who was once so strong, and turned her into a fearful blob of uselessness... They did it without caring without thinking twice it didn't effect them so who cares who they hurt...

Then theres my other monster... the one who started all this... my monster sleeps beside me at night... I am so madly in love with my monster and at the same time I'm just MAD at him...

 I'm mad that he allowed himself to get that sick, I'm mad he allowed it to spin out of control, I'm mad he didn't listen to me when I told him to get help in the first place, I'm mad that he turned on me even though I know now that he was in no state to be making decisions and didn't mean what he said I can't help but be MAD I'm mad he didn't fight harder for me, I'm mad he assumed I would be ok, I'm mad he trusted them when they said I left him and didn't know me well enough to know I'd never leave, I'm mad he turned to them for help... I'm mad for so many reasons...

I need to find a way to forgive him and I just don't know how...

My anger is mine to hold... But I need to find a way to let it go... I need to turn it into something positive and I just don't know how... If I keep holding onto it I'm going to end up as sick as he is and I can't allow that to happen...

I think something that will help me is to hear him admit out loud that he did these things that he caused these events to happen to me that he stood by and watched my life be torn into tiny pieces and did nothing buy try to protect himself... He claims he couldn't protect me because he could barely hold himself together which makes no sense to me... I'd protect him before myself any day of the week I've proven this I would take a bullet for him I would throw myself in front of a bus before I'd let it touch him but his actions that day made me seriously question his love for me and his devotion to our marriage.

I'm deff going to bring this up at our next counseling session and hopefully I can hear the thing I need to hear... I don't want him to be coached though I want it to come from his heart... He's told me a thousand times since it happened how sorry he was and how he didn't mean it and how he would never do it again but for me its like, You did it once whats to stop you from doing it again?

Then theres the parts we share... the stress that has been put on our marriage because of all this... the issues with infertility that are caused by his medications and the questions those bring up... What is more important to us? His health currently or a baby? Should he just stop taking the medications, get me pregnant then go back on them? Is it worth the risk? Is having a baby even a good idea for us? Would we be good parents? Can we be good parents with all that we have going on right now?

No. No we can't... Wow... I'm reading this right now and feeling what I feel and honestly until I let go of this anger and fear I don't think its safe for me to carry a child let alone have a newborn I'd have to care for... I've never leave my house... I think I just made a major life decision...



We've come a long way in the past year... I mean this time last year we were living in a hotel in the middle of the PCS waiting for the closing on our house... I knew things were getting bad but if you woulda told me on this very day last year what was coming my way I don't think I would have believed you... Or I would have ran back to mommy and daddy and hid in the laundry closet like I did when I was 5 and scared of something (Don't ask I was convinced this closet was my cave LOL)

Sometimes I still wish I could crawl into that closet with pillows, blankets and teddy bears around me, turn on my flash light pull the door shut and feel safe and at peace (Seriously thank GOD noone ever "stopped by" when I was doing this they woulda called CPS so fast my mom's head woulda spun lol)


Maybe by this time next year the lines won't be so blurry...

Me outside PTSD

Lately in therapy I've been working to find who I am outside of the wife of a wounded soldier... My therapist said Josh's illness has over taken both of our lives and honestly, it has! So I'm gonna make this blog all about *ME* and who I am... and I'm gonna use a lot of pictures because I think that would be more fun haha!

I believe in magic

Peter Pan and Sleeping Beauty are my fave Disney Movies

I'm a certified Red Cross Lifeguard

I love to read :D 

 Born and Raised Jersey Girl <3

I'm a Scorpio and I totally believe in it

I love to swim and was competitive so many years

I love the Original Twilight Zone 

My Favorite Ride EVER 

I believe in Tarot cards and psychics and honestly, I consult my psychic any time I feel unbalanced 

I hate 9/20.

I hate September 20th. Not just a little bit, a lot. a WHOLEEEEEEEEEE lot. I can't believe its been 4 years... Its been 4 years since I hugged him, since I talked to him, since I made the biggest mistake of my life...

4 years ago today my grandpa died... and I didn't say goodbye... I knew he was having surgery and I didn't say goodbye...

It was Sept 2rd... I knew he was having surgery the next day... he came over to my parents (and at the time) my house for dinner and I can still see him sitting there laughing I can hear it... He had me download a funny ring tone on his phone for when grandma called him... He never got to use it...

I went upstairs half way though dinner, Josh called me and at this point he was still pretty bad into his drinking and didn't talk to me (or anyone really) much... My mom came into my room and told me grandpa was leaving and that I should say goodbye because he was having surgery in the morning... I think I yelled bye and told my mom I'd see him the next day... I wouldn't. If you've read this from the start you know what happened next... Grandpa died... I can't remember what his last words to me were... I really wanna go to a psychic today I wanna know what the last thing I said to him was so badly... It makes me crazy... for weeks after it happened I sat and tried to remember and I couldn't and I still can't and here I am 4 years later and I'm still going nuts over it...

Broken hearts and nightmares

I realize I haven't gone into enough detail of what caused Josh's PTSD and how the army treated us when we asked for help...

Josh's PTSD stems from his first deployment and his second did nothing to help it... The further into treatment we're getting the more I'm finding out about his second tour and I'm finding its as traumatizing as the first... I don't want to go into too much detail of what happened on here for many reasons...

-OPSEC
-I'm not sure what the Army told the family of the Soldier who was KIA
-Its not my story to tell

The trauma on his first tour is his... his to remember, his to own, his to deal with, and if and when he wants to tell his story, he will...

All you need to know is my husband witnessed the death of a fellow American Soldier and was actively engaged with the enemy on more then one occasion

His symptoms started while he was in country still... He wasn't sleeping, was angry and his behaviors changed... friends of ours who were with him said he changed the day the death occurred...

When he got home he started drinking... a LOT... a WHOLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE lot... He blew through $25k in 6 months (I'm sure it was fun I once spent $3000 in Target in one day and it was a BLAST) sadly he put a stripper though college and killed a nice chunk of his liver during his $25k bender where as I just furnished an apartment haha

It was odd, as quickly as he started drinking, he stopped... and he hasn't started again... it only lasted about 6 months and that was 4 years ago...

After he got into K9 things changed quickly... It was hard to tell what was a symptom and what was just stress from being completely over worked

The months between finishing K9 school and him leaving for his second tour went quickly and are horribly fuzzy for me, he doesn't even remember them

We had 1 big fight that I remember... it changed me and it changed our marriage forever... I don't think I'll ever forget it... It was a few day before Christmas of 2009 and Josh was on CQ... I was pissed (as I was quite a bit back then) We got into a war at the Kennels and Kevin walked in... I didn't know Kevin yet at this point, I just knew he was the new Kennel Master at the time and Josh was not happy at all that he walked in on his screaming match we were having... Kevin pulled me into his office and what he said changed me... It changed the way I saw K9 and saw Josh's health...

He handed me a calendar and said "Your husband deploys in 90 days." and I was like "uh no he is leaving in April" and thats when he pointed to the calendar and said "I know. Your husband leaves in 90 days. If your fighting like this now with him in the US how are you going to hold your marriage together when he deployed?" He then took the time to explain to me what Josh's dog did, something noone had taken the time to do up to that point...

Thanks Kevin, you saved my marriage that day and I doubt you knew it...

While deployed the second time his symptoms got worse...

Nightmares, mood swings, panic attacks...

and then he came home and shit just hit the fans...

I'll add more to this tomorrow... Theres a handsome man standing in front of me asking me to cuddle before he goes to sleep :D

Disney Tips for PTSD (And military) Families

All the info I have is for the Walt Disney World resort in Orlando FL I have been there about 22 times and am kinda obsessed :D I've never been to the Disney Land resort so I don't feel I can give any info on it

The 2012-2013 Military Disney Deals for 2012-2013 came out the other day and its a 4 day hopper pass for $158 per person or a 4 day hopper+Water parks for $183 These prices are up from their last year discounts but are still about 50% off and now with the added discounts at their on property hotels most deff can't be beat!

Real quick before I forget! There are black out dates of the Military tickets here they are:

23 December 2012 - 2 January 2013 (No theme Park Use)
15 – 17 February 2013 (No theme Park Use)
25 March – 5 April 2013 (No theme Park Use)
4 July 2013 (No theme Park Use)

Ok next is Hotels... you have 3 options on this 1. is to stay on Disney Property, 2. is a hotel off property and 3. is a condo off property... Because of the size of your family I'm gonna recommend option #3 it gives you guys the most space but honestly option #2 is without a doubt the cheapest... I'll give you the figures on all 3 and you guys can pick what is best for your family 

Option #1, On Property:

Up until about 2 weeks ago I would say don't even think about it but when Disney released their 2012-2013 deals, they changed up 1 thing, they are now giving discounts at resorts other then Shades of Green...

40% off Deluxe Resorts
35% off Moderates and Fort Wilderness Cabins
30% off Value Resorts including Art of Animation

Disney World Room Blockout dates:

22 – 24 November 2012
23-31 December 2012
25 March - 4 April 2013

The Deluxe resorts start at $265 a night going up to $3730 a night (I would LOVE to know what could possibly make a hotel worth that much ahahh) At the discount they start at $159

The Moderate/Fort Wilderness start at $159 ($104 Discounted), the cabins (Which is what I would recommend for your family if your going to pick on property due to how many they sleep) start at $285 a night ( $186 a night at the discount)

The value resorts start at $84 a night ($59 a night discounted) which really isn't that bad the Value resorts are VERY family friendly

I have personally stayed in all of these resorts and Fort Wilderness was my fave it gives you the feeling of camping but your in a hotel room and maid service comes daily (My kinda camping!)

The up sides to staying on property: You don't have to drive anywhere, just park your car and use the Disney transportation system, you save $14 a day in parking

The down side: Your stuck on Disney property and stuck eating at their restaurants which while amazing are VERY expensive! When we were there, just a normal lunch cost $20 a person... Dinner was $26 a person for no joke a plate of pasta...

Option #2 is an off property hotel:

This is a good option if you guys are ok all squeezing together like my family was when I was growing up  $29.99 a night in that area will get you a decent hotel room (Red roof inn, Howard Johnson, Econo Lodge, Travel lodge kinda thing... nothing spectacular but its a room, its cheap and its clean)

Upside: you can get away from the Disney craziness, Food is affordable, you can go to other parks (Seaworld, Universal Studios)

Downside: $14 a day to park which honestly with the new discounts at the Value Resorts puts you at almost the same cost nightly

Option #3: a Condo

This is my personal fave! AFVclub.com offers hundreds of condos to military families at HUGE discountshttp://www.afvclub.com/search_resorts/search_results&swdate=12/2012&mlid=175 Thats a link to the Disney area condos 

$369 for a week ($50 off that if you book online! it breaks down to about $52 a night before the discount) gets you a condo that can sleep 6, with a full kitchen, dining room, living room, and multi bedrooms! There are many to look at, and pick which is best for you!

I've stayed with them before and the rooms are beautiful, the service is great and they have a wonderful cancel policy if things change

Upside: You can cook in your room saving TONS of money on food... We ate breakfast in the room and then would start the crock pot before we left in the morning and go back to the condo at Dinner time to eat! Even if you only ate breakfast in the room and did the crock pot once your looking at hundreds in savings, then all the same perks as the off property hotel 

Downside: same as above, and there is no room service at condos

Honestly, due to the new discounts at on property resorts I'd really take a look at them 

Now for the PTSD part of this...

 Josh and I have gone three together since he was diagnosed with PTSD... Once as just a couple in June of 2011, and more recently in July of 2012 with my parents and brothers and once in December of 2012 for the Christmas events... Josh did SHOCKINGLY well on all trips (I was dumbfounded... I'm not gonna lie I was expecting quite a few breakdowns and only had one!)

All times we went we went for more then 7 days... That time line worked well for us because it gave him MAJOR down time and we were able to take our time and see everything rather then feeling rushed to go to the park everyday and stay from 9am-midnight which is stressful for a healthy family let alone one with the added stresses caused by PTSD.

Disney is VERY accommodating to their guest so as soon as you get to the park go to Customer Service (I recommend the one at the Magic Kingdom its right inside the park gates on mainstreet USA at Town Hall) and explain to them your situation they gave our family a pass to skip lines by going in though the exit, this really helped in the sense that he wasn't standing in line for hours surrounded by tons of people feeling like he can't get out... it also helped that he was able to walk away quickly if the stress got to be too much (We only had to walk out of 2 rides thankfully but knowing we could at any time was a huge help for him!) They will ask you how long your planning to stay in the area (Up to 14 days) and how many people are in your party (Up to 6) and give you a pass for that long... This goes without saying but don't take advantage of their kindness If the line is less then 15 minutes long, wait in it like everyone else... We mainly used our pass for major attractions that had fast pass access and could stress him out quickly.

**** update: Disney has recently changed their policies on guest assistance passes due to the overwhelming amount of abuse to their system which breaks my heart. I haven't been down there since the change to know personally how they will handle a situation like ours with such a cut and dry veteran disability with documents and what not but I know according to their website, it's now only for wheelchairs or those with service dogs.

Another big thing a lot of people don't know is they are currently doing parades more then once on Main Street USA at night... Josh DID NOT like these parades at all (Honestly neither did I people are rude and only care about "THEIR CHILD" and don't care how they effect anyone else as long as their kid has the best view) The street is crowded and its the only way in or out of the Magic Kingdom... Unless you know the secret :D

All the stores on Main Street USA are connected on the inside so you can walk from the gates of the Magic Kingdom all the way to the entry of Tomorrowland though stores... These stores are also pretty sound proof so if your soldier has a hard time with fireworks or crowds its a great place to run and hide... I had to pull Josh into the stores on more then one occasion and it worked great for us!

We also found that if after each ride he took time to sit down, have a soda or a snack and smoke he was able to better handle it.

We also found that taking the trip "Slow" helped. We were careful not to spend too much time in the parks and didn't rush from attraction to attraction. 

Below is an example of our most recent trip:

June 30- Drove to FL leaving VA at Midnight and arriving at about 1pm... We checked into a hotel and went to sleep

July 1- Woke up early and was at MGM when the park opened, we went on 4 rides and then left the park completely going to Chili's for a quiet lunch. We then returned to Animal Kingdom where we stayed for about 4 hours and then went back to our condo. We went out to Dinner with my family before returning to the Magic Kingdom for about 2 hours... We found this was a little much for Josh and it ended in quite a fight so we agreed we would not be returning to the Magic Kingdom at night (The Parades and people were just too much for him)

July 2- We slept in til about 10am and then went to Typhoon Lagoon from about 5pm, We went back to the condo, showered, changed and went to Downtown Disney for a very short amount of time just to walk around... Nice, quiet day :D

July 3- We went to EPCOT in the morning (Josh had quite an episode and we had to leave quickly... we spent about 3 hours driving in circles around the Disney property while he calmed down) we then went back to EPCOT for a short time (Like I think we went on one ride) before leaving and going over to MGM to meet up with my family... They went to see Fantasmic! (My fave Disney show we'll talk about about that in a bit!) and Josh and I walked around, I went on a few rides... He didn't feel right the rest of the night so we just walked around quietly and wanted to get home before the rush (which we did) I got very lucky this was the only meltdown of this trip and he woke up the next morning totally ok!

July 4- We went to Universal Studios (My mom had tickets left over from a prior trip) We didn't stay long at all the weather was REALLY crappy and personally I just don't like Universal LOL We went back to the room and relaxed for the night and avoided fireworks at all costs

July 5- Another calm day... woke up late, relaxed, went to Downtown Disney to "Disney Quest" and then to a concert (I surprised Josh with tickets to see one of his favorite bands) I was SHOCKED by how well he handled the concert being how loud and crowded it was

July 6- This was BY FAR the most go-go-go day we had... I have a think for pictures and on this day my goal was to get ALL my pictures done! We started at the Magic Kingdom and I believe the only ride we went on there was Splash Mountain (Like I said, I like pictures haha I wanted one picture of the whole family and I got it!) we then went over to Epcot and walked around all the countries in the World Showcase stopping to take pictures at each one and eat in Morocco (Highly recommend it! The food was amazing!!!!) We then walked to the almost exit of the park, down by the Spaceship Earth Ball and watched the fireworks... Far enough away they were quieter but close enough we could see them it worked really well

July 7- Another quiet day... Just at Typhoon Lagoon a little while then home and relaxing... We laughed and drank in the hot tub... He seemed calm and happy

July 8- Our last day at Disney (Boo!!) We went to the Magic Kingdom at around 1pm and then over to MGM to finish off our trip We had a wonderful dinner at the 50s Cafe... a wonderful end to a wonderful trip!

Notice how we took days off between big park days...  We found the days off helped him and leaving the park completely to eat helped as well 

Next thing we'll talk about is the shows:

I *HIGHLY* recommend the Fantasmic! Firework show at MGM its amazing!! When we went, we made sure to sit in the last row of seating at the top of the arena where we coulda gotten out quickly if we needed to, we also made sure to leave right before the end of the show to beat the rush of people (That arena seats THOUSANDS and its like a stampede when it lets out)

Magic Kingdom has the Electric Parade which if you have kids is a must see but you have to do it carefully the crowds are overwhelming I recommend watching from the steps of Town Hall very close to the exit to the park and Town Hall is sound Proof and normally rather empty so its somewhere to hide out if needed... Right after the Electric Parade is the Wishes firework show right over the Castle, you can see it from same spot on the steps and again be able to go inside if needed

Epcot has Illuminations: Reflections of Earth  The best place to watch this show from is "France" in the world showcase but the crowds there are massive so I recommend watching from right outside of "The Land" or down by the Space Ship Earth ball... yes your view will be impaired but there are FAR less people and you can get out quick if needed 

I don't believe Animal Kingdom has fireworks (Correct me if I'm wrong)

Please leave any questions for me (or Josh) in the comments section and we'll be quick to answer!