Blurred Lines

So Josh and I got into quite a discussion  today... Where does his PTSD end and mine pick up? What part of this story is his, what is mine and what is ours? What trauma is his to own and what is mine? Most importantly What do I need to come to terms with and what does he?

Some parts of the story are easy... Clearly the original trauma is all his I would never try to take that from him I will never understand what he went though in a million years and I've given up trying to I've stopped saying I understand because I don't and I've stopped saying its ok because its not and I've stopped saying go back to sleep it'll be better in the morning because it won't.

Clearly the secondary trauma is mine. I need to own it and I find myself saying more and more often "You just don't get it!" and until this convo tonight I really didn't think he did but for the first time I was able to say more then "You just don't get it" I explained what he didn't get... He didn't get that I am as scarred as he is and while his monsters are so very real they are also on the other side of the world for the most part... My monsters are miles away, They control my life, they control his life... they hold our fate in their hands they can take him from me at any moment... They totally abused their power and they destroyed me as a person... they killed a huge part of who I was that day... They took someone who was once so strong, and turned her into a fearful blob of uselessness... They did it without caring without thinking twice it didn't effect them so who cares who they hurt...

Then theres my other monster... the one who started all this... my monster sleeps beside me at night... I am so madly in love with my monster and at the same time I'm just MAD at him...

 I'm mad that he allowed himself to get that sick, I'm mad he allowed it to spin out of control, I'm mad he didn't listen to me when I told him to get help in the first place, I'm mad that he turned on me even though I know now that he was in no state to be making decisions and didn't mean what he said I can't help but be MAD I'm mad he didn't fight harder for me, I'm mad he assumed I would be ok, I'm mad he trusted them when they said I left him and didn't know me well enough to know I'd never leave, I'm mad he turned to them for help... I'm mad for so many reasons...

I need to find a way to forgive him and I just don't know how...

My anger is mine to hold... But I need to find a way to let it go... I need to turn it into something positive and I just don't know how... If I keep holding onto it I'm going to end up as sick as he is and I can't allow that to happen...

I think something that will help me is to hear him admit out loud that he did these things that he caused these events to happen to me that he stood by and watched my life be torn into tiny pieces and did nothing buy try to protect himself... He claims he couldn't protect me because he could barely hold himself together which makes no sense to me... I'd protect him before myself any day of the week I've proven this I would take a bullet for him I would throw myself in front of a bus before I'd let it touch him but his actions that day made me seriously question his love for me and his devotion to our marriage.

I'm deff going to bring this up at our next counseling session and hopefully I can hear the thing I need to hear... I don't want him to be coached though I want it to come from his heart... He's told me a thousand times since it happened how sorry he was and how he didn't mean it and how he would never do it again but for me its like, You did it once whats to stop you from doing it again?

Then theres the parts we share... the stress that has been put on our marriage because of all this... the issues with infertility that are caused by his medications and the questions those bring up... What is more important to us? His health currently or a baby? Should he just stop taking the medications, get me pregnant then go back on them? Is it worth the risk? Is having a baby even a good idea for us? Would we be good parents? Can we be good parents with all that we have going on right now?

No. No we can't... Wow... I'm reading this right now and feeling what I feel and honestly until I let go of this anger and fear I don't think its safe for me to carry a child let alone have a newborn I'd have to care for... I've never leave my house... I think I just made a major life decision...



We've come a long way in the past year... I mean this time last year we were living in a hotel in the middle of the PCS waiting for the closing on our house... I knew things were getting bad but if you woulda told me on this very day last year what was coming my way I don't think I would have believed you... Or I would have ran back to mommy and daddy and hid in the laundry closet like I did when I was 5 and scared of something (Don't ask I was convinced this closet was my cave LOL)

Sometimes I still wish I could crawl into that closet with pillows, blankets and teddy bears around me, turn on my flash light pull the door shut and feel safe and at peace (Seriously thank GOD noone ever "stopped by" when I was doing this they woulda called CPS so fast my mom's head woulda spun lol)


Maybe by this time next year the lines won't be so blurry...