Saturday, September 22, 2012

The Tightrope

I always feel like I'm walking a tight rope before two massive sky scrapers and I'm trying so hard to balance so I don't fall... Sometimes theres a safety net, others theres not... but I'm always walking it...

People say I'm a controlling wife because I guard him... I control what movies are shown in my home, I blocked the military channel on Comcast, I watch closely when he's playing video games for any sign of distress, I time our trips to stores perfectly to avoid crowds, I ask for our check to be brought with our food and boxes as soon as we sit down when we go out to eat and always ask for the table closest to the exit so I can get him out quick if needed, We don't go to clubs because the loud music upsets him and make sure to go to quiet hole in the wall bars if we're going to have a drink to avoid people bumping into him...

I do these things not to be controlling but to keep some sort of peace in his life and in our marriage... These things control the symptoms they don't control him and if any of them go wrong, I fall off the tightrope and its days when things go wrong that I have no safety net...

I try so hard to protect him and it breaks my heart when people mistaken my love for him for something abusive... sometimes I feel like we live in a world that would rather see something wrong with a family then see what I'm doing as a positive move to protect him...

If it were my child we were talking about and my child were autistic and hated the color red, would I be a bad mother if I kept red things out of my home? NO! I'd be searching for peace! 

I just want him to find peace... I just don't want to fall off the tightrope... or atleast give me an umbrella to cushion the fall...  

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