Sunday, October 21, 2012

Writing retreat Day 2 Part 1

Day 2 part 1

I don’t like silence. I used to love it. There was a timenot long ago when I would happily sit in a room all alone with a good book andnot a sound to be heard, where I would seek out the quietest place I could findand lock myself away there, now it scares me. My monsters live in the silence, they take over anytime the TV goes offor the music stops or during any break in conversation.  I feel like I’m reliving what happened everytimeI’m alone, I used to love to sleep in the dark but now I have to have the TV onor the silence makes it so no sleep can come. I go out of my way to avoid it and sadly I think this is how my life isgoing to be for a while.

I knew something was wrong as soon as I woke up. I felt itand I knew that something awful was about to happen. He had texted me at about7:30am to tell me he was going to a doctor appointment and now here I was at1pm and hadn’t heard anything else, That wasn’t like him.

I can’t do this.

I can’t write that story just those 3 simple lines almostput me into a panic attack! I had to walk out of the room and take a breathoutside… I want Josh… I don’t like that I can’t get ahold of him right now Idon’t like that hes playing around on FB but can’t text me or call me back

He just called and we fought as normal We get stressed and fight

Hes at work but I need him… I always feel like hes alwayswith them when I need him… I need him!

I feel like I can’t sit here and listen to this woman whineeven more today Josh is really sick my life is really falling apart I’m just sosick of it I’m so sick of being stuck in this room with this woman complaininglike her bullshit matters THE KID WAS NEVER A MARINE!

Lets try again. I have to do this. I have to get past thisand if I don’t do it now I never will.

Driving back to the hospital the first time

I have to get home. I kept saying that over and over andover to myself. It was snowing but I had to get home I had no choice I had tobe there and I couldn’t move fast enough the truck wouldn’t move fast enough. Guinnesswas sitting on the passenger seat, looking at me as if asking if I knew what Iwas doing. I didn’t. I was on auto pilot I just had to get home. Josh hadcalled not long before telling me he needed me and he was sorry and begging meto come home I was in the car 20 minutes later. My feet were soaked and so coldI could barely feel them even with the heat on full blast. It had taken meabout 15 minutes just to get the snow off the truck enough to get moving andthe only shoes I had brought were cloth flats that were iced over from the snowI was standing in moments earlier. I kept hearing his voice telling me heneeded me and that drove me forward. My knuckles were white gripping thesteering wheel eyes set straight ahead I had to get there but I had to do itsafely for myself and for Guinness. I tried to get on to Rt 27 to get onto theturnpike and there was a cop t the road they had shut down Rt 27 due to thesnow and black ice he took me to go around and get on the turnpike Via Rt 1 andthe parkway. FUCK that’s going to add atleast an hour to my trip, an hour Ididn’t have to waste.

I kept driving… music on to block out my thoughts and keepme awake. I’ve been awake for days I can’t fall asleep I can’t breathe I can’trelax I need him.  I have to gethome.  He calls me and we talk calmlyabout how I’m driving back and the weather is awful and I’m scared.  I’ve never driven in snow like this but Idon’t have a choice I have no choices I have to get home. 

Finally I saw an end in sight as I got out of New Jersey Isaw the snow was beginning to slow and turn to rain Rain I could handle I candrive in rain no issue Rain doesn’t scare me We had just moved from WashingtonState where it rained every day I was thankful for the rain it felt cleansing.

I was so tired by the time I got home that I couldn’t figureout where my house went and it took me about 5 mins of driving up and down thestreet to realize I had turn down the wrong road.

But I made it. The 4 hour drive took me 9 hours and for thefirst time in 3 days I crawled into bed and was able to sleep because I knew in12 hours I’d be with him. I had to see him and see for myself that he was ok.

Writing exercise #1

Picture a snapshot from your childhood. Write down all thedetails you can write down everything you can what were you like

I was 15 and we were on vacation in Las Vegas. I didn’t wantto be there even then I didn’t see the point of bringing children to Vegas itwasn’t like we could do anything! My brothers Jimmy (12) and Robby (5), myparents and my grandparents. On this day we drove about 30 minutes north of thecity into Red Rock Canyon.  This was thefirst time I had ever seen mountains like that, the first time I had ever beenon the west coast and even though I didn’t know it at the time the closest Icame as a child to meeting my future husband. We later found out Josh wasstaying with his mom at the same hotel my family was staying at that week.  As we drove to the canyon I couldn’t get overhow beautiful it was and how annoyed I was that my cell phone wasn’t gettingservice preventing me from calling my best friend Travis I was used to talkingto him all day every day so not being able to was rather stressful for me.  I was wearing blue jeans and a black and pinkshirt that said Drama Queen all over it in sparkly words. I thought I lookedcool but looking back I feel the shirt made me look much younger then my trueage.  My hair was short, I had just cut15 inches off to donate to locks of love so my normally long flowing hair wascut into a short bob. My brothers were laughing next to me and my parents askedus to all pose together under a rock to get a picture for that years Christmascard. I had to hold Robby tight to make him stay still long enough to snap thephoto. I can hear my grandpa talking to me as he took the picture and lookingback its funny that he was the one to take this photo because years later thiswould be the picture that was placed beside him in his coffin. That was thelast vacation we took with my grandparents as a family and that day is the lastvideo I have of my grandfather on film. Anytime I see this picture I think ofhim and how much fun we had and how later that day he bought me the mostbeautiful blue turquoise earring that I wore in memory of him on my weddingday. 

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