Saturday, October 20, 2012

Writing Retreat Day 1 Part 1

This is just a post of the notes I took while listening to other people talk and what not during the first part of day 1 of the writing retreat up to this point we just met our mentors and did introductions and then split into our groups  

I'm realizing I’m a terrible person… I feel like I’m so intomy own life that I can’t sit here and pretend I care about anyone else or theirdrama… I have enough of my own… I don’t want to hear about your kids I have tolisten to people blab about their kids 24/7 I didn’t travel to NY to hear evenMORE about friggin kids!! If you wanna talk to me tell me about your husbandtell me about how your dealing with his injury SHUT UP ABOUT THE KIDS!!! *THEYDON”T MATTER(* Also don’t tell me about how your husband was hurt at basic orAIT sorry but I can’t relate to that I don’t think it counts and I think itsfucked up that your going to sit and try to compare that to what I’m goingthough

Not that it’s a Im better then you issue its just m yhusbandhas a legit combat injury he didn’t just fall down and go boom He didn’t gethurt in a way that could happen in everyday life HE WAS TRAMATIZED He was hurthe was hospitalized for months  I don’tsee how you can even compare the 2 things I don’t see how you can sit and say “Blahblah blah My so and so is a “wounded warrior” well where did the serve? Ohbasic training Um NO they’re not a wounded warrior their not even a soldier!They’re a recrurt STFU and go talk to someone who got hurt in HS on a sportsteam not a group of people whos husbands have been blow up and shot up andruined!

I AM SO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT KIDS Jesus CHRIST get your ownfucking identity!!! Have a life outside of your kids! Be an adult talk aboutadult issues!!

I like not having to worry about kids I like being able todo what I want when I want how I want I like being able to just plan vacationsand just GO! I like that in May I was able to just up and fly to Lori’s becauseI wanted to I like that next month we just booked our trip to Disney for nextmonth (We did end up keeping the Disney trip, we Cali trip for Feb ahha)
This woman is comparing her daughter being injured at BasicTraining WTF NO! Its not the same!!!!!!

Its taking everything I have to sit here and keep a straightface and not let her see how pissed off I am.. I’m insulted honestly Shesacting like her daughter should have been treated differently because she wasinjured But how can you treat one diff then one whos going right back a recruitis a recruit STFU and be thankful she was in the states!

OMFG NOW SHES TRYING TO SAY HER DAUGHTER HAS PTSD*STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*  Jesus I’mtrying so hard to bite my tongue but this is driving me insane Not only did thegirl get hurt at fucking basic she was over weight and couldn’t pass PT

This is like the worst group for me… I don’t wanna besitting here I’m not sure I can be nice all day and all night and all daytomorrow

I wanna be with other combat vet wives People who truly understandnot this horseshit! If  I wanted to talkto people who have never deployed and never been though a deployment I wouldastayed at Ft Myer!!

** Write about small pieces each day… go though each day ofthe event one by one or even break it down by the moment… Like “I was thinkingthis as I was driving” or “This is how the phone call happened”**

I think I’m going to talk to the WWP people and ask if I canhave diff group tomorrow  Ireally can’ttalk to these people I can’t relate to them
My life is falling apart I don’t have the energy to pretendI give a fuck about this woman’s bullshit

I don’t want to be here I don’t want to be here I don’t wantto be here I don’t want to be here I don’t want to be here

I am trying SO hard to stay calm and its not working myblood is boiling and my heart is racing and I’m PISSED and I’m sick ofpretending that this girl is having problems and she won’t stfu shes like blahblah blah an injury is an injury UM NO

My life is ruined Josh’s life is ruined our marriage wastorn into pieces

All these girls are like I wanna leave my husband WTF?!?!?!? Even at our worst I knew I would*NEVER EVER EVER EVER* leave Josh

I would die for him

I have put my own life aside and I have no issue doing iteveryday til I die he is #1 he comes first his life comes before mine

The next girl has started talking I like her I talked to herquite a bit yesterday she has an accent and it makes me want to listen and payattention I know her husband was injured over seas and it makes me feel better tolisten to her because she understands and I can relate to her

I’m next after her and I don’t know how I feel about saying whathappened to me outloud I havenit told anyone except close friends and Josh… Iwrite everyday about it but writing about it and saying it are so different Idon’t know how I’m even going to start telling what happened How do I say itwithout people thinking I’m crazy or that the doctors were right?

I’m so tired and honestly I just want to go back to my hoteland go back to sleep

I don’t want to eat dinner I don’t want to socialize I justwant to write  I didn’t come here to talkI came here to write and write and write

This is so emotionally draining and I’m just so over welmed

How much should I tell? Should I be honest and tell the*WHOLE* story? The one girl admitted to heroin use so atleast I won’t be theworst HAHA!!

I’m distracting myself by chewing on walnuts HAHA

I’m hoping to get all this published I want to help someonebut I’m afraid my thoughts and options are too blunt 

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