Sunday, September 30, 2012

Nighttime...

I hate nighttime... I never seem to be able to sleep... And when I'm sitting up all alone is when my mind wonders as it is now...

I start remembering what happened and get all crazy...

I'm sitting in the living room wide awake watching crappy TV that I'm really not paying attention to and thinking about last year and this year and the retreat...

I'm really worried about the retreat... It's right in the middle of "the nightmare time" and it's right in the middle of when r&r was...

It's weird when you think about it... R&r was amazing and some of the happiest days of my life but last year the same days were some of the worst of my life...

I wonder what this year is going to bring? I'm trying so hard to create new memories to over write the bad ones but I can't... I don't know what to do to get past this... If you have any ideas hit me with them!

We're trying to do Halloween themed stuff... Watch a scary movie every day... Josh is trying so hard to make up for last year and he's so amazing and I can't get past it I can't forget I can't move on and I want to so badly... I want things to be how they were in July of last year... So happy, nothing but hopes of the future and love...

When he was in the hospital and I realized everything I had been told was a lie I thought we would be ok... I though that as soon as he came home all the bad would disappear like it did after the deployment but it hasn't... The stress has been replaced by anger and fear...

He's doing so good... And I feel like I'm dragging him down...

I just want to forget all the bad... I'm thinking about telling him I wanna renew our vows... I wanna do it again almost like a new beginning... Just us at the on posh chapel... I think I'm gonna talk to Josh about doing it...

Yeah, I'm gonna talk to Josh and the therapist about it on Tuesday... I think this is a huge step in starting over... Maybe we can do it on "THE DAY"?

Does that sound nuts? Renewing our vows on the day that tore my life apart?

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