Tuesday, September 25, 2012


Josh and I have been fighting a lot less... we've been able to talk stuff over lately without ending in a screaming match or me crying and him freaking out... Its good and bad... Its good because it means he's getting better but for me its bad because I'm starting to realize how sick I really am...

We both know I am sick because he is sick but I'm starting to question how damaged I was before he got sick, before we got married, before he deployed, before we met... How much of my damage was already there and is just coming out now because of all that happened?

I know grandpa has a lot to do with it... a WHOLE lot... more then I like to admit outloud... and I know boyfriends in the past also have a lot to do with it but how much? And would any of this ever surfaced if it wasn't for what the Army did to us? Would I be this paranoid if those things never happened?

Its 2:43am and I'm wide awake.... I'm talking to some friends on facebook and they're talking about their husbands being deployed... For a moment I panicked and realized I hadn't heard the "YAHOOOOO" of my yahoo messenger alerting me that Josh has logged on in a very long time... it took me a good 30 seconds to calm myself down and realize that was because he was laying next to me snoring... Sometimes when he goes to work I throw myself into a panic convinced he's deployed again... Its downright psychotic...

Sometimes I work myself into a panic when I think about him deploying again before I stop and realize he's never going to deploy again we were laughing the other night because he said he needed his phone and I was like why? I'm the only person who calls you and I'm right here anyone else who needs us knows my number and he was like "What if they need me? You never know we might invade Iran tonight" (Joking ofcourse) and I looked at him dead ass serious and was like "If they're calling you to deploy because we invaded Iran we have MUCH bigger problems then a deployment or a missed phone call" and he was laughing his ass off at this point and goes "Um yeah it means everyone else is dead!" LOL :D

Its good that we're getting to a point where we can joke about some of it but I think I'm gonna talk to the therapist tomorrow about "Before Josh" I mean we have gone over and over and over what happened last year 100 times 100 ways and the reality is nothing is going to change it I'm scarred for life and it is what it is but maybe if I can work though some of the "before" issues the "after" wont seem so bad?

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