Looking back, walking ahead

So thats our story thus far... Now we're looking to the future.. Things are changing daily...

Right now we're starting the MEB (Medical Evaluation Board) and Josh is about to be transferred to the WTU (Warrior Transition unit) which will make the MEB 100 times easier on both of us

I'm having my second ankle surgery on Thursday and I'm pretty excited, SO ready for the screw to be taken out of my ankle... Hopefully this time it all heals right and there will be no more treatments or surgeries needed

I'm also planning our annual Thanksgiving event, I'm not sure how I feel about it this year...

We didn't have it last year because of Josh getting sick and being hospitalized...

I don't know if I want to do it... I'm not sure if I want anything to do with the fall this year... The closer we are getting to the 1 year anni of him getting sick and being hospitalized...

I'm scared to death...

One part I forgot to write about in my past blogs is how I feel and how his illness has affected me...

I have panic attacks... A lot of panic attacks... I'm scared all the time... I'm terrified theyre going to take him again.. Even a year later I'm scared all the time... I went to a doctor about a month ago and asked for help... I told him everything and he blew me off... He looked at me like I was stupid and threw some Prozac and sleeping pills at me...

I have a therapy appt tomorrow we'll see how it goes... I've seen this therapist before and I couldn't stand her... she made me feel insane... She kept saying stuff like "Well tell me about your dog She seems to make you happy" Uh yeah she does make me happy but she doesn't take away the fact that I am pissed as shit that I wanna scream that I feel trapped that I'm scared she can't fix my problems she can't make the fear go away noone can...

I want revenge... I want the truth to be told I want my name cleared... Everyone keeps saying I'm the only one who any of this still upsets and it doesn't matter anymore but It does... It does matter...

Ok... I'm off to bed I'll write about my appt tomorrow