Sunday, September 9, 2012

Grandpa (RIP 9-20-08)

Again I'm just going to post the blogs from myspace into this blog to explain the mindset I was in in the weeks leading up to our marriage:

Sept 5, 2008

I can't handle this
I *NEED* Josh here NOW
So yesterday I went to the hospital to visit grandpa...
I drove over and met up with grandma in the lobby and we walked in together
It was worse then I ever imagined.
I lasted all of 5 mins before I walked out
Grandma called me on the drive home cuz the dr. who was in the room said I looked like I was gonna pass out...
Truth is, I didn't wanna burst into tears in front of grandma
I told her I was ok but I wasn't.
I'm still not.
Today he's even worse
I called Aunt Tammy before to ask her something and found out he was in a coma
She told me not to visit that I didn't need to see it
But I couldn't not
and I went and OMG it was just terrible...
I want Josh
I want him here to tell me its ok
To hold me and help me be strong
My mom says I need to just pray and he'll be ok
I don't believe her.
I'm going to bed... Drug induced ofcourse...
If you need me, text or call me
Honestly, I need the support right now...

Sept 6, 2008

So I just got back from the hospital...
I'm hiding right now
I locked myself downstairs with advil PM, my cellphone, and the pillow with pictures of Josh on it... and I am gonna go the fuck to sleep
Josh called before and it helped a bit
It was so weird I was a wreck and then he told me he loved me and everything would be ok and suddenly I was calm
I need him... I really REALLY wish he was able to get leave
We only got to talk for a min but tommrow we'll talk more I hope
The doctors are saying 24 hours...
This is gonna be the longest 24 hours ever...

Sept 7, 2008

Hey... I'm goin' upstairs to lay down
Grandpa is still alive if that means anything... barely... but still alive...
BP was 90/40 when I left the hospital and his O2 stats were at 90% (They should be at least 98%) and they have him on a resperator with 100% O2... and they still can't get it above 90%
He's also in kidney failure and his lungs can't obsorb the O2
And the sad part is that even if he makes it thru this he still has cancer..
God I will Josh was here to hold me...
I can't even cry anymore I'm outta tears...
I'm goin' upstairs.. call or text me if you wanna talk...

Sept 8, 2008

So who here agrees with me that I need to go shopping to forget how fucked everything is here right now?
Shopping is a good idea. Who cares to join me?
I am so effing worn out
its like every bit of energy left in me is gone
I'm so sick of trying to be the strong one
this isn't how it was all planned to happen
surgary. heal. come home. be fine.
That was the plan
Vent and multiorgan shutdown was NOT on that list the last time I checked
and now my family from down south is coming
we don't need that right now
I'm havin' a hard enough time holding it together as it is, when they show up they bring 30 people with them and that will just add MORE unneeded stress to us
theres only one person I want with me and he can't be here

Sept 9, 2008

No change on the grandpa front...
I just want something to happen
I hate limbo.
And now we have a new issue
I haven't slept in DAYS cuz everytime I close my eyes I see him laying there with the tubes and wires and I end up sobbing (Hell even when my eyes are open I see it)
I haven't told my mom cuz she has enough to worry about
So I'm just sitting here crying to myself

Sept 15, 2008

So here I am at 3:44pm sitting here crying...
Tommrow is grandpa's 2nd operation and that is whats gonna tell us if he lives or dies...
God I fucking miss Josh
I feel like I'm dating a figment of my imagination
I talk about him
But NEVER *TO* him and I never see him
Every part of my body hurts
I'm so drained and depressed I dunno what to do anymore
I just wish so badly he was able to somehow get leave to be with me right now

Sept 20,2008

My Grandpa is dead. 

My mom, Aunt Tammy and Grandma took grandpa off the vent this morning and he passed away shortly after...

Services will be held at Gosslin's Funeral home at Monday from  2-4pm and 7-9pm the address is 660 New Dover Road Edison NJ
In lue of flowers please donate to the American Heart Assi or The American Cancer Assi in honor of Harold Cox

Thank you all for your support in advance
RIP Grandpa...

Sept 22, 2008

Obituary of Harold Lee Cox
Dateline: Colonia, NJ

Harold Lee Cox, of the Colonia section of Woodbridge township, passed away Saturday (9-20-2008) at the JFK Medical Center in Edison. He was 69.

Born in Kinston, North Carolina, he lived in Westfield and Hillside before moving to Colonia in 1964.

He worked as a Service technician for Sears in Union and North Plainfield for 36 years before retiring in 2000

He was a US Army Verteran, Serving in Germany in the early 1960s
He was a member of the Woodbridge YMCA Community Center
He was an avid fisherman who loved the outdoors
He was Predeceased by his parents, John and Carrie Cox, and sister Peggy Edwards.

Surviving are his wife of 46 years, Janet (nee:Mitchell), and daughters and son-in-laws Lorie and James Esposito of Colonia and Tammy and Timothy Sprouse also of Colonia, brother John "J.W" Cox of Midland, North Carolina, sister Kathy Edmundson of Seven Springs North Carolina and 5 grandchildren, Sherie Esposito, Jimmy Esposito JR, Amanda Sprouse, Robert Esposito and Kimberly Sprouse.

A Blessing will be held on Tuesday  (9-23-2008) at 10am at the Gosselin Funeral Home, 660 New Dover Road, Edison, Committal serivce to follow at Rosehill Crematory, Linden.  Visitation Monday 2-4 and 7-9pm at the funeral home

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the American Hearth Association New Jersey Affliliate Memorials Program 2550 Route 1 North Brunswick NJ 08902-4301 or to the Cancer Association of America, 615 Chestnut Street 17th Floor Philadelphia PA 19106

Condolences to the family may be sent to

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