Friday, September 14, 2012

Fear of falling

The closer we get to Oct the more paranoid I'm getting... The more fearful I'm getting... Everyone says noone else cares anymore but I don't believe it... I see the way they look at me I hear what they say behind my back, I notice how a room goes quiet when I walk in, I'm not stupid...

Even if it doesn't matter to anyone else, it still matters to me, its still real to me...

Its like I'm in my own little nightmare and can't wake up...

What if he relapses? I can't do it again, regardless of what everyone thinks I'm not strong enough to do it again the first time almost killed me...

I still remember driving home, being on total auto pilot... Thank God I knew the way and didn't need the GPS just had to drive north... All I thought was I have to get away from here I have to get home... I didn't go home for support I went home because I knew I could lock myself in my room with no visual memories of him and I knew Guinness would be taken care of... I couldn't even get outta bed to feed her...

I put away anything in my childhood room that reminded me of Josh... Pictures, patches, ACUs, a pair of his shoes we had forgotten on our last visit and I just laid there... I didn't move for a week I didn't talk to anyone I didn't eat anything I barely drank and everytime I closed my eyes I heard the doctors again and again so I couldn't sleep... I just laid there...

Numb... Broken... Defeated..

I can't let them win I can't let this be the way our story goes... I can't let this over take myself but it is... Its slowly taking over everything I do, everything I think and everything I am... its slowly becoming more real then anything else in my life...

I can't go to that place again emotionally I can't let myself lose it that badly again... I won't allow it.

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