Sunday, September 16, 2012

Attics and basements

What is it about Attics and basements that scare us so much? Almost all horror movies involve one of those at some point... Personally I'm crazy about horror movies... I love the shivers down my spine feeling, if a movie scares me so much I have to wake Josh up at 2am to talk to the bathroom with me I call it a success! It's all fun and games if you ask me... We all know there's no monster under the bed and nothing in the dark is going to hurt you... It's the thrill of the unknown... Of what you can't see that could hurt you...

But what do you do when the nightmares aren't fake but memories? What do you do when the monsters aren't just make up and graphic design but real? What happens when you can't wake up?

I know my monsters aren't real, I know its all fun and games no one is gonna get hurt... But Josh's monsters are real... His don't go away when the movie ends or when the lights come on or when halloween ends...

People think I'm lazy because I sleep all day... What they don't know is that I am up all night...

I sit up and watch Josh sleep... Sometimes I play online, sometimes I watch reruns of favorite shows, Sometimes I clean the bedroom, lately I've been writing and coloring a lot... But all night I sit and watch him... I don't dare close my eyes til his alarm has gone off at 4:15am and I have him safely off to work... Even then sometimes sleep won't come for me...

Most mornings I sit up til he calls or texts me that he has made it to work only then do I curl up and sleep...

People don't know that... all they see is some crazy chick who sleeps all damn day and never seems to get anything done...

I have to stay up.. I have to watch him to make sure he's ok... Sometimes he wakes up screaming, other times his whole body moves like he's fighting someone I can't see, still other times he sweats so bad the bed is dripping wet and I have to wake him up to change the sheets... I sit by his sit and rub his back with a cool wash cloth... Strip him down to just boxers and turn the fan up as high as it will go... Whisper in his ear that everything is ok...

I long to say to him "Its ok sweetheart its just a nightmare" or "Go back to sleep my love it wasn't real" But I can't. His nightmares ARE real. His nightmares happened... His monsters are real people... His fears aren't made up or paranoia...

How do I protect him from his own memories?

Then theres my memories... the ones that I try so hard to lock away...

I'm not scared of ghosts or monsters or the dark... I'm scared of doctors and the army and Josh not picking up his phone

I'm scared of history repeating itself and I don't know how to get past that fear...

No comments:

Post a Comment